Red Bull New York Admits Interest In Mario Batali

NEW YORK - After an internet campaign by three people in the Secaucus area brought the idea to light, Red Bull New York admitted their interest in Italian striker and chef Mario Batali.

We think the kids call this a mashup.

"It's no secret that we could use help with our on field chemistry as well as our food preparation," stated Jesse Marsch. "What we didn't expect was the we would have fans out there so passionate as to ask for Mario Batali. I'm not entirely certain what he could do for us from a soccer perspective, but if the front office is willing to give him a trial spot.... well... I guess I'll take a look at him."

The internet campaign for #BATALITORBNY was formed by brothers Eric and Lou Dibraggio and their friend Rober Naves of Secaucus, NJ

"We wanted someone that was an international player and we heard that Batali was on the outs with whatever team he is with right now," stated Naves to The Nutmeg News. "We thought this would be a great way for our team to get more goal scoring into the team and a player we want to watch."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as RBNY and Batali combine to create a new delicious line of Energy boosting Spaghetti sauces with Taurine!

Revolution Fan Completely Fine.... Totally... 100%.... Completely Fine.... Ok? Stop ASKING. FINE! TOTALLY FINE!

Boston, MA - New England Revolution Fan Linda Stevens admitted that they were completely fine after the recent trade of Charlie Davies to the Philadelphia Union during the closing hours of the MLS Transfer Window.

The interns found this on Pinterest, but that does not make it any less relevant.

"I'm fine," stated Stevens to The Nutmeg News. "Completely Fine.... Totally... 100%.... Completely Fine.... Ok? Stop ASKING. FINE! TOTALLY FINE!"

Reportedly, Stevens appeared to not actually be fine and was coping with their favorite player being lost to a conference rival after all the things that the Revolution fanbase had gone through with Charlie Davies over the years.

"STOP ASKING. I'M COMPLETELY FINE WITH EVERYTHING," denied Stevens as they decided to continue the exasperating condition of denial before moving onto acceptance in the stages of grief.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stevens admits that they might not be fine after all.

"Zika Chants Taking Things Too Far," State Fans Of Hope Solo

Belo Horizonte, BR - United States Women's soccer fans were, reportedly, aghast as Hope Solo was bombarded with chants of ZIKA and a chorus of boos while playing in the opening women's soccer game of the Olympics.

This isn't THAT bad....... It isn't like she followed it up with

"I don't understand how they can treat a legend that way," stated Philip Levalle of Des Moines. "Those fans in Brazil better be careful or she is going to beat their ass like she drunkenly assaulted her nephew."

Oh, right. Well this probably ruffled the locals the wrong way. It should be said that we here at The Nutmeg News support protecting yourself from getting a virus.

"Doing a zika chant is way too far! WAY TOO FAR! It's one thing to drunkenly steal the team van and joy ride with your husband while he gets a DUI and the police admit to showing favoritism to keep you from going to jail. It's another to actively attempt to avoid and dismiss prosecution for domestic violence against her nephew and sister, but chanting zika at Hope is TOO FAR!," stated Wendy Albacan of Santa Fe.

The Nutmeg News caught up with Ms. Solo and her husband Jerramy Stevens as they drove around in the USA Team van buying Caipirinha ingredients.

"This is an outrage," stated Solo. "Just because I demonstrably made a point of over exaggerating all the gear I was going to bring and took pictures with a bed full of deet and a selfie with me wearing a full head net and a pint of mosquito repellent, doesn't mean that I should expect the fans here to make fun of me. I can make fun of me, they can't make fun of me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Solo continues to play well for her team despite the threat of prosecution back in the United States.

 

Columbus Crew Still Waiting For 2016 Season To Start

Columbus, OH - Players for the Columbus Crew were reportedly still waiting for the 2016 season to start as they watched many of the teams in Major League Soccer getting ready for the stretch run into the playoffs.

See? 8 other teams have started the season!!

"I keep asking Gregg when the season is going to begin," stated designated player Federico Higuain. "I found it very odd to find out that my hernia injury would not be affecting what should be the time when we should be fighting for the playoffs, but Gregg indicated that we would be fine and ready to go when the season kicks off."

According to insider sources, many of the Crew players found the fact that the season had not begun by August 3rd to be more than odd but they continued their preparation for the upcoming games anyway.

"At some point, I assume we are going to be playing games that matter instead of friendlies and exhibitions to get ready for 2016,"stated Crew midifelder Ben Swanson. "I'll just continue working on my rehabilitation from this injury that came out of nowhere and hope that the season starts soon."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Crew players try to determine whether they should just start getting ready for 2017 as the 2016 season is already more than half over.

 

Chicago Fire Fan Feels Completely Mollified By Amount Of Pretend Money Team Has Stockpiled

CHICAGO - Fire fans, today, said that they felt completely mollified by the amount of pretend money that the Fire stockpiled by being the worst team in the league for the past few years. 

Look at all those fans that are thoroughly excited for the stockpile of allocation money that the Fire have. 

The Fire's strategy of being absolutely, heart-rendingly god-awful, squatting on the top allocation spot, not signing players, trading their rights to other teams in the league for spreadhseet points, signing players that have been uniformly awful, and then trading/releasing them has drawn a large amount of recent praise from the talking heads online as a template for the future.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Daryl Jones of Edison Park and he had the following to say, "Yes, indeed, I am totally fine with my team being the worst team in the league over the last three seasons because now, as the transfer window slowly closes, they have a lot of theoretical Garber bucks. As the internet commentators say, I'm totally fine with the implosion of my team and the complete inept fortunes that have taken place of the past few years that now allow my team the chance to rebuild from the absolute bottom of the league."

As many commentators stated, the Chicago Fire are now in a great position to rebuild, continuing a rebuilding project that has continued to happen over the course of the past 5 years. 

"I don't know how much longer we will be rebuilding," stated Jefferson Grant of West Garfield Park. "However, I do know that we need to trust the teams process of being utterly shit, treating their fans like pariahs and not winning a game on the road while shuffling off quality players to other locations. That way, when they amass a ton of money to spend, they can ensure to spend it on players like Gilberto."

"It takes a really talented front office team and ownership to make such a vibrant, diverse, energetic and cosmopolitan city be saddled with one of the worst and most unattractive teams to play for in the league," stated Sandra Blevens of Lawndale. "Hats off to them for that. It's really is a Herculean feat to make playing for a soccer team in Chicago feel akin to playing for a municipal baseball team in Lubbock during a dust storm."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire parlay more of their terrible league position into money.

 

 

Bored Journalist Begins Writing, "Chicago Fire Part Ways With Veljko Paunovic" Copy

NEW YORK - Soccer journalist David Morrow admitted that he started writing the "Chicago Fire Part Ways With Veljko Paunovic" story Tuesday morning in order to combat a momentary amount of boredom.

This image should do, Frank. It has the right amount of stoic gazing at the camera before the crushing realization of what coaching in Major League Soccer will do to your soul.

"Just look at his record," stated Morrow. "With that organization it is only a matter of time.... and by time I mean a short while, not 8 years from now."

Morrow began his column with the typical statements of "Paunovic released by Chicago Fire after disappointing 2016" before attributing the base platitudes such as, "The Chicago Fire wish Veljko Paunovic well and thank him for his time with the club" to the Fire that are typically included in press release statements.

"Some may say that I'm ahead of the game," stated Morrow. "I mean, look at what happened with Mastroeni in year two. However, the worst thing that happens is that I bin the article for another year and just change the dates."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Morrow starts working on the column for Jay Heaps because of a gut feeling.

Dead Horse Beaten Online

Reports of a dead horse being beaten online surfaced after another argument was made between many individuals online as to the reason why people don't support a local soccer team over a foreign soccer team.

PRITHEE, WHY DOTH THOU ROOT FOR YON ARSENAL?!

"CONSARN IT! I SAW THAT HORSE GET BEAT!" stated Dale Abernathy of Little Rock, Arkansas. "It was that there online personalities and commentators that done it!  I just had to turn off my twitter account."

The semi monthly convergence of holier than thou opinions about the growth and consumption of the game in the United States and Canada resurfaced after bored people on twitter decided that the 486th iteration of the "WHICH TEAM DO YOU SUPPORT AND WHY ISN'T THE TEAM THAT I WANT YOU TO SUPPORT" argument was presented online to an audience that could be called comatose and brain dead after being shoveled a pile of dung called "a presidential election" for the past eight months.

"I have no feeling left in my body," stated Thomas Westing of New York City. "Just tell me who I am supposed to watch so my twitter feed can return back to normal. I'm barely hanging on as it is, and I spent the last 20 minutes waffling over deleting my account."

The Nutmeg News will investigate as to whether this dead horse is any further dead from the beating it took today.

MLS To Explore Portland Thorns Fever

Portland, OR - Major League Soccer officials are reportedly taking a long hard look at the Portland Thorns during the recent announcement of new and upcoming league expansion.

Photo by Jeff Wong

MLS officials met last week in San Jose during the league’s All-Star Game to discuss possible expansion among other agenda items. Portland Thorns President and General Manager Gavin Wilkinson, along with Owner Merritt Paulson, traveled Wednesday to San Jose for the United Soccer League’s Thursday board of governors meeting and while there attended the MLS’ Homegrown Game, All-Star Game and other social events. The meetings and events provided the ideal opportunity for Portland Thorns officials to share what has been one of the more remarkable sports stories of the year.

Portland Thorns rookie campaign obliterated the expectations of many people in just about every way imaginable. Before the 2013 season, team officials had hoped to draw an average of 10,000 fans per home game. Now, after four seasons, the Portland Thorns are averaging about 16,772 per home game, Wilkinson said. The Thorns already broke the single-season attendance record in their current league. The team is currently in first place in the NWSL standings and recently won a rivalry game against the Seattle Reign while missing many of their stars due to Olympic duty. Wilkinson said the team is eyeing the playoffs with aspirations of bringing another championship to Portland in its fourth season.

The Nutmeg News spoke to insiders with Major League Soccer who stated that they are excited about adding another 19,000 fans to the league as well as the possible rivalry that would develop with the other Cascadian clubs in the league with the Timbers, Whitecaps and Sounders.

"We can neither confirm, nor deny that we are in the Thorns business," stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as Major League Soccer picks a half empty stadium in Miami.

.

.

This column shamelessly ripped off from here.

$200 Million Dollar MLS Expansion Fees Now Include Still Frame Warmer And World Traveler Bar

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced that their increase to $200 million dollar expansion fees will now include a Still Frame warmer and World Traveler bars that evoke a smell of adventure and dark pomegranate.

"We also have a nutritional shake, detox mixture and aura cleansing by Herbalife, if you are so inclined. Make $100 million dollars from home, now! ASK US HOW!"

"It was important for us to not only arbitrarily set the price tag for franchises at $200 million dollars, but as well offer some kind of benefit for our new MLS Consultants," stated president of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbot. "With our August special package, you can get started with a new MLS franchise by receiving a Warmer of the Month as well as a scent of the month as well as a 600 page rule book on financial transactions and the benefits of a closed system and low wage salary cap for Major League Soccer."

According to inside sources, the acquisition of a new franchise for prospecting MLS Consultants has become quite a bit more exciting after Major League Soccer switched from offering Amway to offering scent bars. 

"It's become quite the scene!" stated one anonymous employee. "Why the other day, David Beckham said the only reason why he was purchasing a Miami franchise was to obtain a rare Lace Warmer for his house in Malibu."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer relentlessly spams the Facebook feed of all the companies thinking about bidding on a franchise about the August deals and workshops to become an MLS consultant.

Critic Of Alexi Lalas Reluctantly Favorites Tweet

Gainsville, FL - Bianca Arndt, a frequent critic and obstinate hater of Alexi Lalas, admitted that she recently and reluctantly favorited a tweet of the former player and current pundit when his views aligned with hers on a criticism of Major League Soccer.

"Fine, I clicked like. It doesn't mean I'm going to start listening to his podcast." - Bianca Arndt

"My god, I didn't want to do it. I just didn't. But I couldn't stop myself. I had to favorite the tweet. It was too good," stated Ms. Ardnt to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I've been against his punditry and his talking head shtick forever, but he just made such a cogent point in 140 characters that I couldn't stop myself."

Reportedly, Ms. Ardnt's hate of Lalas stems back to watching Lalas play in the denim kit during the 1994 World Cup, when she was 12. 

"It ruined me on red heads and it ruined me on denim. I just can't. Even these days, I won't wear jeans."

When The Nutmeg News spoke to family of Ms. Ardnt, their disappointment could not be contained.

"I raised a better daughter than THIS," stated Leonard Ardnt of Modesto Beach. "You don't superficially agree with someone that you disagree with on a regular basis to support your gains. What is this shit? COMPROMISE? GET OUT!"

Mr Ardnt then lit two flares and started screaming, "WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA! WHO ARE YA!" at is daughter til she retreated from the family living room.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Ardnt hovers over the favorite button on a tweet of Eric Wynalda.

Bruce Arena Interview Consists Entirely Of Cliches And Uninteresting Life Observances

Seattle, WA - A recent post-game interview with LA Galaxy manager Bruce Arena consisted of nothing but commonly used sports cliches and uninteresting life observances as the manager attempted to tamp down on his recent illuminating comments.

"You know, this game could use a goal."

"Yeah, you know... we really gave it 100% out there," stated a disinterested Arena to the hastily assembled press corps asking him about the recent 1-1 result. "I thought that both teams played hard and really gave it their all. You know, Football is a funny old game and we just have to take it one game at a time."

Arena peppered these mundane statements with liberal observances about the area including the statement, "It wasn't raining today, but it also wasn't too hot. It was nice."

Arena also had the following to say about the fans, "Well, what can you say about the fans, they are fantastic and so are our fans. Have you ever thought about how a butterfly can fly?"

When asked about the removal of Sigi Schmid, Arena stated, "Well, every game is a cup final now, and it's a game of two halves, and there are no easy games at this level, so all we can do as managers is just try to make each game a great advertisement for the game, give 110% and live life to its fullest."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this  as Arena is fined for his postgame comments.

NWSL Announce Unpaid-Stars Game Sponsored By Dove

NEW YORK - The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), today, announced the formation of the first annual Unpaid-Stars Game sponsored by Dove for 2017.

Photo: @JeffKassouf

The field for the NWSL Unpaid-Stars Game

"The National Women's Soccer League is proud to announce the formation of the DOVE Unpaid-Stars Game to be held July 2017. The game will be held at Frontier Field in Rochester, New York in order to give the game the size and scope that it needs to fit the occasion. The NWSL is proud of our players and this game will give us an opportunity to celebrate the talents of our players that literally do not get paid." - NWSL Press Release

According to inside sources, The NWSL Unpaid-Stars game will feature a skills exhibition the night before the game begins which includes the following activities.

"Shopping For Fruits And Vegetables On $1 - NWSL Extreme Coupon Cutting"

"Going On A Job Interview, Working Second Shift At Starbucks, Attending NWSL Team Training, And Working Out all in 24 hour span - NWSL Crossfit"

"Room Organization For 6 Players In A Studio Apartment - NWSL Tetris"

Reportedly, executives for the NWSL are excited about the upcoming Unpaid-Stars game as this meaningless exhibition will allow the league to cram another game into a schedule where they don't have to pay the players, can ratchet up the beer prices, overcharge for tickets and charge for meet and greet activities between the players and fans.

"This is going to be amazing! We are going to do a sliding scale payment process for our players. You want Jess Fishlock to sign something? $50. You want Alyssa Naeher to sign something? $75. You want Alex Morgan to sign something? $250. Just think of all the money making opportunities," stated the commissioner of Major League Soccer, Jeff Plush. 

"It is important to note that we can't pay the players in the Dove Unpaid-Stars game as this would void their amateur status and lead to us not making money on this game. And we know that our fans wouldn't want the league to go out of business, so clearly we can't pay the players, right? Right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an Amateur player suffers a career ending injury during the game and is forced to walk off the field as the league didn't provide stretchers.

 

Boston Breakers To Offer Grief Counseling And Therapy Night Sponsored By Paxil

Boston, MA - The Boston Breakers, in association with Paxil and the teams current form, have announced a new "Grief Counseling and Therapy Night" promotion aimed at solving the issues that have developed in their remaining fanbase from an 11 loss season having played 13 games.

The only time the Breakers won this season.... May 22nd, 2016.

(ISI Photos)

"The Boston Breakers understand that a season like this can develop long lasting mental scars that can be debilitating for future support in sports," stated Tom Durkin, Club Director of Coaching. "As such we are offering free antidepressants and grief counseling for our remaining fans that sadistically torture themselves by continuing to show up for games despite our awful form."

Reportedly, the Breakers plan to fix the problem of their season is to not improve their overall team, but instead treat the mental issues for their fanbase that comes from having a terrible season stating, "We aren't paying for shit! We are going to stick with this squad until the end of the year and then we might try some new players," stated Durkin.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans continue to wonder if the team could go with no more wins for the rest of the season, and whether their prescription will last long enough to continue attending games.

Landon Donovan Emerges From Cryogenic Sleep To Pitch All-Star Homegrown Game

San Jose, CA - Landon Donovan emerged, on Wednesday, from the Cryogenic Sleep Chamber designed to preserve his current playing condition for the USMNT til after Jurgen Klinsmann leaves the head coaching position to talk about the upcoming MLS All-Star Homegrown game.

It's Landon Donovan, Clint Mathis and a replicant made from Steve Cherundolo's spliced DNA.

"What's Tim Howard up to?" stated Donovan to the gathered media that came to see his unfreezing process. "Still dominating the city in the first team of Everton?"

Reportedly, Donovan was unfrozen by Don Garber as part of the Chipotle MLS Homegrown All-Star Game provision in his contract that requires him to appear and coach once per year before he is stuck back in the cube to be frozen for the Qatar World Cup in 2022.

"I'm here to talk about the Chipotle Homegrown game and ... wait.... what's this about President Trump?" stated Donovan to the collection of credentialed bloggers dispatched to the secret freezing location by MajorLeagueSoccerSoccer.com

"So I'm here to talk Chipotle, MLS All Star Games, and the future of our homegrown youth. I'm also here to say that Guacamole is going to be raised to $2 per scoop, that you should try the new Chipotle Burger when it opens, and that our homegrown youth are better in Major League Soccer than overseas. Major League Soccer is the bees knees and with the upcoming expansion to Portland and Vancouver, we expect.... what? ...that already happened?..... oh.... ok, nevermind..... Now please, put me back in before I decay too much to be of service in the USMNT midfield in 2022."

The Nutmeg News will continue to cover the unfreezing process of Donovan as he finds out that he is required to at least make some media appearances before heading back to isolation.

PRO Respond To Tampa Bay Rowdies By Permanently Assigning Them Silviu Petrescu and Dave Gantar

The Professional Referees Organization (PRO), today, responded to the recent article by the ownership of the Tampa Bay Rowdies by permanently assigning the team Silviu Petrescu as their center referee and Dave Gantar as the fourth official for all games in the future.

Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

"After hearing the complaints from the Rowdies, PRO would like to categorically state that these complaints by the front office of the Tampa Bay Rowdies are false. Despite our vehement denial of these claims, we have assigned, permanently, Silviu Petrescu and Dave Gantar to referee all future Rowdies home games as a testament to our commitment for fair and balanced referees."

With Petrescu being one of the few referees in the past year suspended by PRO for missing several calls in a 2015 game, the Rowdies can be guaranteed that they are getting the best in what PRO has to offer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rowdies are denied any chance of any kind of penalty appeal for the rest of the season.

Relentless Crank Already Lining Up New People To Blame After Schmid Firing

Redmond, WA - Donald Ferris, a Sounders fan and relentless crank, admitted that he was already lining up new people in the Sounders organization to blame for last season, this season and next season after Sigi Schmid was fired on Tuesday.

#SIGIOUT .... er... wait.... um.... #LAGERWEYOUT

"It's important for me to appropriately place the blame," stated Ferris to The Nutmeg News. "With Sigi gone, now, we must have an accurate amount of blame placing being done on the front office."

Reportedly, Ferris spent the last three years campaigning for the removal of Schmid only to suddenly switch his technique after the removal of the head coach and suggest that perhaps it wasn't Schmid's fault, this season.

"SURE SIGI WAS THE PROBLEM... BUT WAS HE THE ONLY PROBLEM,?! #Foreshadowing " ranted Ferris on his twitter account as he desperately lashed out at someone else to blame.

"I can only say that I've been carefully curating a list of people within the Sounders organization to blame over the course of the last few months and I plan to shift my #SigiOut campaign, now, to the people who deserve it the most," stated Ferris.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ferris takes credit for the firing of Schmid.

Remote Fan Has Supporters Group Experience Brought To Them

Billings, MT - Remote Orlando City fan Jerrod Wadding recently found out that he won a supporters group experience that will allow him the ability to experience an upcoming game as though he was in the stands.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Wadding about the opportunity and his remote love of Orlando City SC and he had the following to say, "The T.I.F.O displays, the vibrancy of the crowds, the chants, the flags, the work they do in the community, man.... it must be great to be part of everything. I picked Orlando City because I lived in Orlando for 5 years when I was a kid, and I still have some cousins there. It was a natural connection."

Mr Wadding went on to say that he hasn't attended a game, but just lends his vocal participation to all matters online about the team and supporters groups.

The Nutmeg News spoke to individuals giving Mr Wadding the Supporter Group experience and they stated they had the following items planned for him.

"First we are going to ensure that he gets in a few Twitter and Facebook arguments about minutia regarding the team and the supporters groups," stated Deryk Fellows of The Ruckus. "That will happen the night before the game to ensure that he doesn't know what is going to happen when he meets the people he was having an argument with the next day. We will make his argument about something like flags during the run of play and the legacy of Adrian Heath, that's a good base.

The next day we will show up at his house, early. Wadding will be forced to leave and then pay $20 for parking, at his own house, at which point we will have a massive tailgate and get everyone drunk. Wadding won't be allowed to use the facilities in his house in order to replicate our current tailgating scenario.

After we drink and stand outside in the sun for 3 hours we will be allowed, 'into the game' where Wadding will be subjected to a bag search, metal detector and pat down search followed by being required to pay $11 for a Heineken in accordance with stadium policy. 

It is at this point that we will ensure that we replicate the full experience in the stands, in his back yard. Wadding is about 5 foot 10 so we will be placing him behind Nick Simon and Dominic West who are both roughly 6'4 and 6'5, respectively. He will be placed next to Hippy Bob, a man known for being one of the first people to take his shirt off and an avowed non-user of deodorant. Bob loves to give hugs, so that'll happen when he gets in our stand mock up.

As well, we will ensure that Darwin Cerez will be there farting up a storm as he usually does. We will ensure that there is a scuffle just to the left of Wadding about 10 minutes into the game over the usage of the word 'puto'. A capo will yell at him for not knowing all the lyrics to the songs at about 25 minutes and his $11 Heineken will be spilled during either a Goal Celebration or someone moving across his row with nachos, whichever happens first.

At the start of the second half, we will ensure that Wadding gets sucked into the overall melee in the stands as the drunken antics of the fans around him ensure that he over-consumes. This will guarantee that he spends roughly $60 on beer in the faux-stadium. At this point, Wadding will take off his shirt ensuring a vicious sunburn, stand on the temporary seats and scream for his team going for full hugs with everyone around him before witnessing three people taking selfies. He will, at that point, scream at the selfie takers for being tourists. 

The evening will finish with more drinks with completely random strangers that he met at the game as Wadding falls into a full, low-energy stupor. He will be required to post to twitter and facebook about the game at this time when he is absolutely smashed from being in the sun and drinking all day. He will then have a moment of clarity that he has to work the next day as this is Sunday. Mr Wadding will then wake up the next morning with a hangover that can only be called apocalyptic and a Facebook/twitter feed full of drama from his wild statements issued online."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Wadding reconsiders whether he wants this prize in the first place.

 

League Attempts To Add Meaning To Meaningless Game By Making Meaningful Games Meaningless

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer continued to state that players selected for the Major League Soccer All Star Game that were injured and unable to play in the game would still be suspended for an additional game following the All Star Game proving that they ARE the leading assholes in the state.

Where's a time traveler when you need one to go back and stop this thing before it ever started in the first place.

"It is our intention to create meaning in a meaningless game by devaluing the meaningful games following it," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "If you can't play in this utterly meaningless exhibition game, then your team, who has been fighting for 20+ games this season, deserves to be penalized in very important games as we head into the run for the postseason."

Reportedly, fans of any team, anywhere, think that this might be the dumbest thing to happen to an All-Star game since the tie in Major League Baseball, the invention of the meaningless contest in the first place, and Gary Bettman's carnival of bullshit called the National Hockey League.

"At least the NFL doesn't pretend that this game means something," stated Orlando City and Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan Henry Sampson. "This kind of bullshit is the kind of thing we expect from a person like Bud Selig, Gary Bettman or Don Garber. Oh, well... I guess this thing all makes sense."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS fines players who don't fully commit when they go into tackles during the All-Star Game.

Hipster Still Following Soccer

Portland, OR - James Murphy, a self described "soccer hipster who feels aesthetically post-hipster", admitted that, for the 10th year, he is still following soccer  in a short ranging interview on Tuesday to The Nutmeg News.

"I don't have a problem with mascots anymore, either. That's a pre-hipster conception. As a hipster post-hipster I think that It's great for kids, and they seem to enjoy them."

"It's a great sport, I love it," stated the formerly dirty hipster who was looking for a hand pressed, vinyl, Final Warning ep in a record bin somewhere at a record store he wouldn't tell us about. "With the death of bike polo, and my friends all switching to endurance rides as their hobby, I decided to stick with the game as my hobby. After 10 years I can honestly state that I still enjoy going with my soccer friends, I like watching the game. I like the tactics and the players and the energy that a match brings," stated Mr Murphy, who admitted to recently giving up his vegan beliefs for a soy free, lechithin avoidance subsistence lifestyle.

Reportedly, Mr Murphy has even taken to a new ethos in dress as he stopped wearing pinned together crust-punk t-shirts and humorous sweaters found at Goodwill  for wearing items he considers lucky and appropriate for games (as long as those new clothes fit within his current wardrobe aesthetic of clean, bright and relevant for weather conditions). He, as well, claims to only bring a scarf during games that are cold and doesn't bring one during games that are warm.

"It's important to me as a hipster post-hipster to keep the aesthetic of a properly dressed individual for a soccer game. We must show up appropriately dressed in decent clothes to support our teams with both ruthless determination and atavistic intensity," stated the clean shaven Murphy who admitted to recently shaving his beard due to the influx of fans with beards.

"It's distinctly post-hipster to continue loving soccer for 10 years, but I'm really glad that I stuck with something this long. The rewards are great for staying with soccer, and I love the amount of history that I now have with the game. I'm almost as glad with staying with soccer as I was to get lasik to fix my eyes. No longer do I have to suffer wearing those heavy black rimmed glasses and when I'm sweating in the stands I don't miss any of the action."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Murphy debates a lease on a fuel efficient 2017 Acura.

African-American Soccer Fan Tired Of Being The Example Of Diverse Fanbase

Foxborough, MA - New England Revolution fan Sean Driscoll has admitted that he is more than a bit tired of being the example used of how his team has a diverse fanbase.

MLS soccer supporter diversity is not a local issue.

MLS soccer supporter diversity is not a local issue.

"Look we get it, I'm a black man in the United States and I love an MLS team. I understand that right now that duality isn't exceptionally common. I still don't think that I should be used as the example of having a diverse fanbase if I'm one of the only people in the section that is African-American," stated Driscoll to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "Most people have been very welcoming, almost apologetically so, but you can't claim to have a diverse crowd because I'm the only person in the multitude of 1000s that is black. This is more than a bit ridiculous."

Mr Driscoll stated that despite his feelings on the matter that he has no issues supporting the Revolution and showing up on gameday, but reiterated his statement further.

"Stop having that whispered conversation and pointing my way. I am not a totem for your sympathetic explanation of the racial makeup in the stands. Also, no, I don't know the other African-American fans that come to a few of the away games in team gear."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Revolution fan Sandra O'Connor about this issue and she stated, "Whoa whoa! We are absolutely anti-racist and anti-homophobic. We ensure that people know that our fan groups are an inclusive community that tries to reach out to all the different ethnic groups that make our city great. Just look at Sean over there! HEY SEAN!"