Chicago Fire Fan Feels Completely Mollified By Amount Of Pretend Money Team Has Stockpiled

CHICAGO - Fire fans, today, said that they felt completely mollified by the amount of pretend money that the Fire stockpiled by being the worst team in the league for the past few years. 

Look at all those fans that are thoroughly excited for the stockpile of allocation money that the Fire have. 

Look at all those fans that are thoroughly excited for the stockpile of allocation money that the Fire have. 

The Fire's strategy of being absolutely, heart-rendingly god-awful, squatting on the top allocation spot, not signing players, trading their rights to other teams in the league for spreadhseet points, signing players that have been uniformly awful, and then trading/releasing them has drawn a large amount of recent praise from the talking heads online as a template for the future.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Daryl Jones of Edison Park and he had the following to say, "Yes, indeed, I am totally fine with my team being the worst team in the league over the last three seasons because now, as the transfer window slowly closes, they have a lot of theoretical Garber bucks. As the internet commentators say, I'm totally fine with the implosion of my team and the complete inept fortunes that have taken place of the past few years that now allow my team the chance to rebuild from the absolute bottom of the league."

As many commentators stated, the Chicago Fire are now in a great position to rebuild, continuing a rebuilding project that has continued to happen over the course of the past 5 years. 

"I don't know how much longer we will be rebuilding," stated Jefferson Grant of West Garfield Park. "However, I do know that we need to trust the teams process of being utterly shit, treating their fans like pariahs and not winning a game on the road while shuffling off quality players to other locations. That way, when they amass a ton of money to spend, they can ensure to spend it on players like Gilberto."

"It takes a really talented front office team and ownership to make such a vibrant, diverse, energetic and cosmopolitan city be saddled with one of the worst and most unattractive teams to play for in the league," stated Sandra Blevens of Lawndale. "Hats off to them for that. It's really is a Herculean feat to make playing for a soccer team in Chicago feel akin to playing for a municipal baseball team in Lubbock during a dust storm."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire parlay more of their terrible league position into money.