Kit Sponsor, Fans, Stadium And Legacy Of Functional Ownership All Working Against Sacramento Admits Garber

NEW YORK - In an interview with the commissioner of Major League Soccer on Friday, Don Garber stated that the current and future kit sponsor, built in fanbase, stable and expandable stadium situation, cooperative local government, energized sponsors and legacy of functional ownership are all working against Sacramento getting an MLS team in the future.

Privately Funded? WHERES THE FUN IN THAT!

"We need more speculative MLS expansion sites based in locations where soccer has already failed multiple times with variable ownership groups and no stadium solution," stated Garber to our reporter. "This whole stability, growth, and good ownership thing is BOOOOOOORING. Who wants that? We are getting married to these franchises and we want something sexy, something sleek, something completely and utterly insane. That's Florida, that's Miami, and that's where we want to be."

Reportedly, despite all the obvious advantages to expanding immediately in Sacramento, the siren call of South Beach still holds sway, despite the inability of Brand Beckham to find fans, land, or even a foothold of publicity there.

"Do we want the slow motion panning shots up the Miami coastline or a helicopter shot of cows and cornfields," stated Garber. "I think we all know which one we want. I'll take a half empty stadium in 95 degree weather as long as we can cut into an MLS game with a shot of a couple playing beach volleyball. It's gonna be great!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sacramento continues to shoot itself in the foot with all this stability.

Revolution One Step Closer To Losing In The Finals

Boston, MA - The New England Revolution took another step towards their ultimate goal of losing in the finals of the US Open Cup as they defeated the Philadelphia Union on penalty kicks to advance to the semi-finals of the 2016 tournament.

Brad Knighton coming up big.

"We care about our traditions and our history," stated head coach Jay Heaps. "We know that we are 7 time runner ups in important finals and we plan on ensuring that we keep our legacy alive."

Despite it only being 9 years since the last time the Revolution actually won the US Open Cup, the legacy of finishing as league runners up in 2002, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2014, and 2001 (in the US Open Cup) has continued to show the expertise of the Revolution in making it to the final before utterly capitulating.

"This is our time, this is our tournament, this is our moment to shine before faltering at the final hurdle," stated Kei Kamara to his teammates. "Let's carry this torch forward."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our interns screw up a mundane fact that we used to have in this place and get fired. YOU LIKE THAT DAVID, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU DON'T RESEARCH ITEMS.

Disappointed Arena Bemoans US Open Cup Win

Carson, CA - A disappointed Bruce Arena bemoaned his sides victory in the recent match against the Seattle Sounders as the LA Galaxy advanced to the next round of the US Open Cup.

"Gordon, you MORON! We were OUT!"

"I've been trying to get out of this competition the entire season," stated Arena to The Nutmeg News. "Good grief, take one look at my lineups over the last few games and see how important this is to me. I mean, come ON, now."

Purportedly, Arena told his Galaxy players through a pre-recorded video that he hoped they would give a decent effort, and that he would see them in the games that really matter like the ones to ensure the position of the Galaxy heading into the playoffs.

"Gordon, you MORON! We were OUT!" stated Arena to Alan Gordon after he scored a goal 13 minutes after the Sounders took the lead in the game. "How many times do I have to say that we are trying to win another MLS cup, here!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Arena starts the U-16 Galaxy team in the semifinals.

Sons Of Ben To Start Yelling, "YSA" In Effort To Get Philadelphia Union Allocation Money

Philadelphia, PA - The Philadelphia Union supporters group known as the Sons Of Ben stated that they would start yelling "You Suck, Asshole" in an effort at getting the league to give their team Allocation Money to shut up the fans as it was revealed, today, that Major League Soccer offered Red Bull New York Fans the same deal.

From Unusual Efforts, Please read the article here: http://www.unusualefforts.com/homophobia-american-soccer-2/

In a fantastic article about transphobia and homophobia in soccer on the website Unusual Efforts, a board member of a supporters group for Red Bull New York indicated that the league offered fans the option of stopping YSA in exchange for their team getting allocation money. 

Reportedly, the Son's of Ben indicated that if they knew this was an option, they would have instigated "You Suck, Asshole" until the league gave the Union allocation money as well.

"This seems a fantastic opportunity to give our team a distinct advantage by acting completely juvenile," stated SOB capo Jimmy "Swigs" McGee. "We yell it for a couple weeks. MLS cracks down, We respond in kind and the Union get a 200k for our stopping. We think the chant is juvenile and stupid but if it nets our team some scratch, that would be great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as YSA makes a resurgence for that cold hard cash.

Reflective Kreis Returns To Coaching With Focus On Roll For Initiative And Endurance Points

Orlando, FL - Jason Kreis, former coach for Real Salt Lake (RSL) and New York City Football Club (NYCFC), sat down for an interview, today, after it was announced that he accepted the head coaching position for Orlando City Soccer Club (OCSC).  

Kreis stated that since he spent most of his player's experience points on Charisma, during his tenure with NYCFC, he will be taking time during the 2016 off season to grind slimes to try and get his Endurance and Hit Points raised up higher for the 2017 Orlando City season.

Kreis during his days with NYCFC.

"When I left the Real Salt Lake coaching job I did my initial creation rolls and put everything on Charisma," stated Kreis. "I really wanted to take on the role of Crusader. While I was at RSL I tried to put a little bit of energy into studying Barcelona passing tactics, the diamond formation conjuring spell and allocating experience points to Constitution but towards the end I assigned nearly everything else directly to Charisma.”

“Well, as we know my time at Real Salt Lake went pretty well and it enforced that my strategy was right, towards the end. So when I was given the job of NYCFC coach I decided to double down and really sink everything into Charisma by going to Manchester City to study their system for a year.”

Even after his time at Manchester City, Kreis had a hard time finding a rhythm at NYCFC, ultimately leaving them with a disappointing first year after not being able to bring the team to the MLS playoffs.

As Kreis stated to The Nutmeg News, " I was stunned by being unable to make saving throws against anything at a level Chicago Fire or higher. I realized that I need to get my roll for initiative on point and increase my endurance."

Analysts and pundits declared many reasons for Kreis' failure at NYCFC with a variety of arguments made such as players that didn't fit his style, a field size too small to play his passing style, and just not enough time given to the manager after his first season. However, most smart analysts say that his failures came due to him only studying 2nd edition rules of MLS-D&D.

Kreis finished his interview with our reporters by stating, “I have to say that despite it all, I’m really excited for this new campaign with Orlando City. In order to prepare for it I’m watching every single game on MLS Live from this year, studying Gods, Demi-Gods & Heroes, previewing the Hollow World Campaign Set and I’m going to be grinding on slimes all throughout December. I really need to get those Endurance points back up.”

NYCFC Release Stadium Progress Video Via Vine

NEW YORK - New York City FC (NYCFC), today, released a new stadium progress time-lapse vine that featured exclusive video for their twitter followers.

First we build the synthetic futsal field. Then we get the city to knock down the school so we can build a stadium there.

The vine reportedly featured NYCFC COO Jon Patricof going to community development meetings and then leaving empty handed after ultimately failing to find any political purchase in the city despite bringing briefcases full of cash.

"Even those of us with City Football Group have to admit that it is a lot more difficult to purchase land in the New York Metropolitan area than we originally thought," stated Patricof to The Nutmeg News.

"As it currently stands, the City Football Group is realizing that the only way we are going to get a deal done is through backroom politics and bribing public officials to utilize eminent domain. Even then, we are finding it difficult as bribing politicians in New York City is more expensive than we originally thought, as well."

Patricof admitted that despite the financial assets of City Football Group that if a deal doesn't get done in 10 or eleven years that, "we might have to consider a stadium in the vicinity of New York City rather than directly in one of the five boroughs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as City Football Group explore what kind of concessions they could receive from the city of Hoboken.

Lou Holtz Advocates For Local Soccer At Republican National Convention

Cleveland, OH - At the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Lou Holtz took time out of his busy schedule to advocate for local soccer while dropping a number of ethnic slurs against immigrants attempting to force him to watch Bayern Munich. 

"I don't want to celebrate your holidays, I sure as hell don't want to cheer for your soccer team," stated Holtz to Betsy Woodruff, Daily Beast reporter. 

The Nutmeg News tracked down Holtz to have him expand on his comments and he had the following to say, "Those fucking krauts and jerrys aren't going to get me to watch Bayern Munich. I remain a fan of my local Columbus Crew, who I started following back in 1968 when I was an assistant coach at Ohio State," said Holtz who reportedly was described as smelling like alcohol and desperation as he relentlessly swigged Crown Royal.

"Support local soccer, support promotion and relegation. The only way that we are getting our way out of this socialist MLS shit is if we find a way to bring in the most ruthless form of capitalism possible. We MUST enable our local clubs to fail. Immigrants support Socialism. I'm from the US OF A. My parents were true blooded Americans and their grandparents and their grandparents all the way back to when we were celebrating St Patricks day in 1230 AD in the city of New Amsterdam."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Holtz started ranting about MLS Television ratings being brought down by Liga MX.

"There's Absolutely No Problem With The Television Ratings," Exclaims New MLS Press Secretary

NEW YORK - Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, the new press secretary for Major League Soccer, has roundly decried the criticisms of many, "so-called internet experts" that the television ratings for the league have stagnated.

"The ratings are fantastic, they are wonderful, please tune in to catch MLS in Miami, soon!"

"The numbers are lies!" stated Mr. al-Sahhaf on Tuesday. "We know this because they come from the media, and the media lies. Our television numbers are strong, we tell this to our national sponsors on a monthly basis. All they should know are the internal numbers that we don't release out that state that our numbers show growth."

Mr. Al-Sahhaf also took bloggers and fans to task stating, "These fans and these bloggers don't know the numbers. We know the numbers. The numbers are good. When I say that the numbers are very good, they should know that the numbers are very good. And I say that our numbers are very good. We will make them better because despite them being good, they can be better, but there is no better number than that number that we have right now save for the number that we can make better in the future, which will be better and bigger but not better than our current number which is absolutely great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer continues to deflect an honest conversation about television ratings.

"We Already Have Too Much Publicity," States Real Salt Lake

Salt Lake City, UT - Showing their power in the local market, Real Salt Lake decided to ban Salt Lake Tribune sports writer and Radio talking head Gordon Monson as the team stated, "We already have too much publicity."

"This team doesn't need more publicity, it needs LESS publicity. We need fewer people talking about the team and fewer people thinking about the team. The less news the better, I say."

The Nutmeg News spoke to owner and prickly real-estate personality Dell Loy Hansen about the recent press kerfuffle and he had the following to say.

"Too many people are talking about soccer here in the United States and way, way, way too many people are writing and talking about soccer in Salt Lake City. We, at Real Salt Lake, want people to stop talking about soccer, stop writing about soccer, and let us return back to the days when the team played at Rice Eccles and nobody gave a shit."

Reportedly, Hansen felt aggrieved that the Salt Lake Tribune and Monson would cover Real Salt Lake and actually write critical things about the team as Hansen stated, "We aren't here for sports writers to cover and write critical things. Save that for sports that matter like the NBA. We are here to make money, sell merchandise and not be judged critically. If I wanted to be judged critically I'd go on American Idol."

Despite their chickenshit approach to media management, Real Salt Lake and Dell Loy Hansen maintain that they are in the right regarding the credential revocation for Monson stating, "Screw that guy, anyway. WE WRITE THE NEWS HERE, NOT THE WRITERS OR THE NEWSPAPER."

Continent Ready To Move On From Cascadia Overload

The United States and Canada collectively announced their desire to move on from the repetitive public relations deluge of Cascadia game information to the other scintillating and pulsating rivalries in North American soccer this weekend.

Did you even know that FC Cincinnati drew 35,000 people for a game this weekend? NO? MLS/CASCADIA CONSPIRACY!

"We are over the grand T.I.F.O, the packed stadiums, the loud home/away fans, and the media blitz," stated the collected soccer fans in both the United States and Canada. "We are ready to see long form written material on the scintillating Dallas v Colorado game, the devastating derby of Puerto Rico and Rayo OKC, and the NPSL playoff game between Chattanooga and Miami United FC (provided that Miami United FC are still in business by the time that game kicks off)."

Reportedly, fans of the other 18 teams in Major League Soccer are just done with the whole thing stating, "What about us!?" before realizing that they are a week away from having to sit through an overload of public relations regarding the MLS All Star Game.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer tries to figure out a way to extend the public relations benefit of the rivalry by scheduling the two teams to play each other back to ba...........oh wait.

Portland And Seattle Millenial Hooligans Battle On Virtual Streets

Portland, OR - Millennial hooliganism has once again reared its ugly head, this time on the streets of Portland ahead of the upcoming Timbers v Sounders game.

"Your weedle is more shit than Preston Burpo." #obligatorybeard

Reports are flooding in that Timbers fans and Sounders fans are battling it out with Pokemon Go all over the streets of Portland. Local Portland Pokemon Go players are getting territorial and are blocking off their local Pokestops to try and keep Sounders from gathering revives and potions.

Alice Campbell, a neutral eye witness who was at the gym simply to try and raise her local team gym’s prestige, told The Nutmeg News reporters what she saw happen. “It was horrible. I was standing there sparring with an Eevee and trying to get my XP up when suddenly I’m surrounded by Timbers fans and Sounders fans, a dozen or so on each side. They all start chanting and singing and pulling their phones out and doing battle at the gym. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse I heard one of the Timbers fans yell out ‘Hey! Did you guys hear that we won the MLS Cup?’ to which one of the Sounders fans yelled back ‘We sure did, Slowpoke!’  That’s when I knew I had to get out of there as fast I could.”

The Nutmeg News spoke to Seattle Pokemon Hooligan Dawn Erlich about her firms attempt to take over a Portland Pokestop and she had the following to say, "We came to sing, we came to drink, we came to take out their weak ass Spearow. Everyone is going to get owned. We are going to mask up with balaclavas pop some incense, and just go to TOWN on their shit. Then we are going to go to Powell's Bookstore for some tea and to browse some books on post industrial revolution architecture based noir graphic novels."

Team specific firms are keeping things heavily under wraps (likely because of a separate article this publication put out this week about not talking to the media) but there is currently no word if Valor or Mystic is the preferred team for Seattle Pokemon Hools, but we can all be assured it’s not Instinct because Instinct sucks.

"Yeah, Well..... Columbus invented street Pokemon."

Successful MLS Gambler Only $345,233 In Debt

Las Vegas, NV - Successful Major League Soccer gambler Sonny 'Albini' Jurgenson admitted to The Nutmeg News that he is only $345,233 in debt after another tumultuous half-season of betting on Major League Soccer games.

"I don't even know how anyone makes money on this," stated Jurgenson to The Nutmeg News on Thursday morning. "Hell is paved with the gamblers souls that will break by trying to bet on this league."

Reportedly, Jurgenson stuck to his ethos of avoiding prop bets and trying to find favorable odds while finding underdogs that would cover but his gambling ideal was burned repeatedly by draws and variations in team play.

"One week a team would be good, the next they would be shit. I'd bet against Chicago and then they win last night. That was Kansas City on the road at a place they don't lose against a side that has been terrible all year long. What the hell is wrong with this league?"

While Jurgenson admitted that he started to think about leaving the ranks of professional gamblers trying to make money on Major League Soccer, he still holds out hope that he can make back his money by hedging heavily on draws for the rest of the year.

"Fuck winners, I'm just betting draws. The whole rest of the year, draws. Draws and the home team. I'm getting out after 2016. I can't take these losses!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jurgenson disappears while attempting to talk his connection into allowing him to roll his losses over another week.

Soccer Fans Continue To Talk To Journalists

Despite being screwed repeatedly by desperate writers hell bent on creating their own narrative, soccer fans across the United States and Canada continued to talk openly to idiot journalists.

"I'm interviewing people about a story on.... um ..... puppies and soccer, so if you have any dirt I can use on your friends that happened at a game, please let me know"

The Nutmeg News spoke to some guy that we think was called Racist McJerk in Seattle about this and he had the following (which was lazily transcribed and heavily edited by our interns to fit the theme of this piece) to say, "All soccer fans in the United States are racist and speak in British accents. We all voted for Brexit, we eat Weetabix, and we all listen to Oi! music while flying a Union Jack flag and sending money to the EDL. It's completely logical that we talk to journalists all the time."

The Nutmeg News will not issue an apology for any mistakes with regards to interview transcribing.

Reportedly, Columbus fans were even worse as our reporter heard from friends that heard from someone else on Twitter that Columbus fans were still actively talking to journalists just waiting to twist their words to fit a story agenda.

The Nutmeg News spoke to soccer writer Bert Tamrand about his piece, Blood in the Stands: The horrific rise of the North American Ultra.

"I spoke to a number of different Columbus Crew fans and managed to coddle and caress their quotes into a story that is essentially a hit piece about burgeoning soccer hooliganism. I'm planning on utilizing the fight had between Crew supporters and West Ham supporters 8 years ago to further my agenda. To make it difficult for anyone to refute, I've included factual statements about toxic hyper masculinity and fans wanting to emulate eastern European hooligans while including a nice long story about racist and far-right politics in Croatian football firms. This way, there are factual things that would work in a well handled and researched book that will make it nearly impossible for anyone to fully dismiss the book that I'm writing."

Tamrand also claimed that he spoke with LA Galaxy fans, Sporting Kansas City Fans and Red Bull New York fans while obtaining quotes from group leaders that he plans on utilizing by either twisting their meaning or placing them in an entirely different context than the words were utilized in the the first place.

"I'm also just planning on cutting a lot of things. If it doesn't fit the story, then it doesn't fit my book. I need sensational and over the top items to fit my book, otherwise it isn't going to sell," stated Mr Tamrand.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as supporters groups continue to trust random journalists with agendas.

TNN Trend And Style Watch: HAO?! HAO!!! HAO!?! HAO!?!?!

HI FRIENDS, The Nutmeg News style editor, man about town and resident brand expert Stephen Harrow here to tell you about the items trending in Women's soccer in the United States for July 2016.

With the United States Women's Soccer roster being released today, thousands of angry people online tweeted out HAO, while typically following up the statement with some kind of belligerent profanity. HAO, of course, stands for Heather O'Reilly, for those of you too old to stay hip with the current US Soccer Fanatic Lingo. And Oh My GOODNESS, people are mad.

HAO?! HAO ! HAO! HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!HAO!

"HOW IS HAO NOT INCLUDED," stated Danica Jones of Rutherford, NJ. "OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO DIE."

This example shows that HAO is currently completely on trend to complain about. Make certain that you include over exaggerated statements that indicate you really haven't watched any soccer, NWSL or friendly matches since the first two games of the Victory Tour after the Women's World Cup.

Following the above bellicose statement we have a different kind of verbosity from Twitter that shows a way to complain about Hao that doesn't just complain about the player, but also about the coach.

"HOW IS HAO NOT INCLUDED," stated twitter account @HAOSTALKER2016. "I WANT HAO, NO ONE ELSE IS GOOD. JILL ELLIS IS HORRIBLE."

This method of tweeting allows you to be on trend complaining about the HAO oversight as well as slamming current Women's World Cup Winning coach Jill Ellis. These are just some of the methods that YOU can use to stay on trend today in Women's Soccer. 

I'm Stephen Harrow for The Nutmeg News and have fun out there!

NOW WHERE IS HAO. WE WANT HAO. HAO HAO HAO AHOAHOAAHOAHOAAHOAHAOAHOAHOA

HOA!

HAO!

Chicago Fire Set Sights On New Record After Reaching Ownership Goal

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire and owner Adrew Hauptman announced that they set sights on a new record after the team finally reached their goal of two years without a road win.

2016 - 2015 - 2014 record for the Chicago Fire

The Chicago Fire away record over three seasons is 2 wins - 26 losses - 14 draws. The Fire dropped a total of 106 out of 126 available points on the road in 3 years.......... AND COUNTING!

"It's quite a record for us to achieve, but we are always hungry," stated Hauptman to a mirror where he frequently conducts fake press conferences about the team he owns. "We set out in 2014 to ensure that we would make it to 2016 without an away win, and by god we can do one more. The last road win we had was against the New England Revolution on July 12, 2014. We can go 3 or even 4 years without an away win! We can really do it!"

Reportedly, insiders for the Fire say that the ownership and management of the Chicago Fire want to see if they can go 2 years without a win at home stating, "not being able to win on the road isn't even a challenge anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire try to finish under a point per game for the second season in a row. 

Major League Soccer Announces Digimon Partnership

NEW YORK - In an effort to capture a slice of the burgeoning interactive game market, Major League Soccer today announced a new MLS Digimon Stay app that will allow you to search for Digimon in the general area around your couch if you will just watch MLS on your television and increase the television ratings.

So much fun that you will wonder why you ever tuned into soccer in the first place!

"We are excited for MLS Digimon Stay," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "It represents a new way for us to bribe fans to watch Major League Soccer games at home and increase our television ratings. We even have branded Digimon in the game as you can attempt to catch a wild Wondolowskimon that will continuously sit on your couch or sofa as long as you watch Earthquakes games through a Nielsen box."

Reportedly, fans greeted the decision with mixed emotions, but some fans were excited to have a reason to stay indoors even if it meant watching Major League Soccer games that they didn't care about in the first place.

"Honestly, I'll tune out of the games anyway," stated Walter Pulison to The Nutmeg News. "Plus, I don't have a Nielsen box, so it doesn't matter if I leave it running in the background so I can catch a Charizard.... Wait.... Digimon.... DIGIMON?! Oh hell no."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NASL reaches out to Tamagotchi for a product tie in.

NWSL Announce New Nike Branded "Nike Wet T-Shirt Weekend"

NEW YORK - The Commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL), Jeff Plush, announced on Monday morning that the NWSL would have a new Nike Wet T-Shirt Weekend in an attempt to bolster crowds for the league with attendance down as many of the international stars are gone on international duty for the upcoming Olympic tournament.

"I got Alyssa Naeher!"

"We know what our fans want to see and it's a whole weekend of our player getting hosed down by continuously running sprinklers while they run about on the field trying to play soccer," stated Plush to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

"We are working with Nike who is creating a new fabric that really accentuates the female body while being completely transparent when touched by water, with the exception of swoosh branding that will show up on the back when the jersey is see-through. Now we can really say that we have nearly naked amateurs on the main field!"

According to some league insiders this "Nike Wet T-Shirt Weekend" idea was the genesis for the small field that was utilized for the recent Western New York Flash v Seattle Reign game as the NWSL management committee realized that what fans needed was a smaller field to allow them to gawk openly at the players as they ran by in nearly nude conditions.

"We are giving back to our fans by giving those fans who pay for field seats our NWSL branded Super Soakers for them to utilize on our players. It's going to be great, sexy and fun for the whole family," stated the NWSL press release.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is actually considered by the NWSL.

Investigative Report Shows That NWSL Is NOT Run By Moronic, Imbecilic And Infantile Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat

A lengthy two day investigation into the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) by The Nutmeg News shows that the fledgling league is, in fact, NOT run by a moronic, imbecilic and infantile Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat. The NWSL is, instead, run by a group of moronic, imbecilic, and infantile Northern Hairy-Nosed Humans.

LEFT: Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat 

RIGHT: Jeff Plush, Commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League

Much of The Nutmeg News early investigation into who runs the NWSL centered around what kind of idiotic, lazy, addlepated imbecile would actually approve a field like the one that the Western New York Flash and Seattle Reign played upon during their recent July 9th game in New York.

You'd have to be the kind of rare dickhead who just stopped caring years ago in order to approve this travesty.

"What we found," stated senior Nutmeg News correspondent Geoffrey Brandice, "was that this field situation was only the tip of the iceberg. Really, the field just represents the feckless way that these women are treated on a regular basis. The Nutmeg News can also confirm that the league is also employing women from all walks of life as amateur players for emergency depth call-ups because they claimed they couldn't pay the players. These 'unpaid amateurs' include players that were formerly professional players who retired because they weren't making a living but came back for one or two games. The NWSL are also paying some women a wage of $7500 for a seasons worth of work which enforces many women to carry multiple jobs. TNN also found out that the NWSL engaged in placing women in nursing/hospice home for the elderly as housing. This is a league that clearly is run by half-illiterate jackasses with really no care as to the quality of the game or the care of its players."

While a bold statement has been given by Mr Brandice and the investigative section of The Nutmeg News, we were unable to get the NWSL leadership, nor the Western New York Flash ownership to confirm that they were drunk, stoned, or just stupid when they approved the field for the recent game.

The only quote that The Nutmeg News was able to receive from the National Women's Soccer League was the following by the Commissioner of the NWSL, "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. And that quote comes to us from Rear Admiral Grace Hopper. Who is a Woman! Which means that what we did this weekend is totally fine. NOT SEXIST, GUYS! PLUSHY OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NWSL try to figure out more new and inventive ways to screw the players and the fans.

Doctor Increases Dosage Of Prescribed Soccer To Massively Depressed Man

Denver, CO - Larry Contor told friends and family that his local physician, Dr. Stephen Wannamaker, increased the dosage of prescribed soccer in an effort to snap him out of his general feeling of shit that pervades his life.

"You should be watching 20% more Liga MX and 50% more USL games, then call me in the morning of the 17th. Please don't tell me the score of the Querétaro - Veracruz game, because I want to watch that on delay, later."

"Mr Contor told me that his various social media feeds on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit and even Instagram are a non-stop carnival of death, killing, hate, people fighting against hate and people telling other people why they are wrong," stated Dr. Wannamaker.

"I advised him to ignore those people, and increase his dosage of soccer to include Liga MX, NPSL, USL, Premier League Rumors, MLS, NWSL, the Olympics and any current team playing anywhere at any time on YouTube live. Hopefully these soccer distractions will allow him some kind of momentary feeling of peace before he logs back on to Facebook to see videos of people being shot by police, other people shooting at police, refugees dying, people using bombs everywhere, horrific abuse, staggering corruption, complete incompetence, and friends professing horrifying ideologies."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Contor as he parked himself in front of a television to watch the Germany v France game yesterday afternoon.

"This is the only way I'm getting through this, right now. I'm just going to try to enjoy a blissful moment when I can, where I can, and the only thing that is helping me is soccer. Everything else in this social construct we call existence has seemingly fallen apart, but I'll continue to try soccer as a method of coping, even though it really isn't working. I might as well try to find something good in this world, even if that good thing is a just a skillful back-heel by Antoine Griezmann."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a depressed Mr. Contor tries to find a glimmer of hope by sitting in a darkened room eating ice cream with his phone turned off and a USL game streaming via YouTube.

"Welcome," Statement Tweeted To Lloyd Sam Not Entirely Sincere

WASHINGTON - A "Welcome" message to Lloyd Sam posted by Twitter user and DC United Fan @HamidOnRye seemed to not be entirely sincere as the DC fan attempted to get over Sam's past as a Red Bull New York player.

THINGS HAVE GONE CRAZY, AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!

"This is all kinds of bullshit," tweeted the DC Fan as other United fans attempted to utilize the myriad of transfers between the two teams in an effort to dampen his anger at the process. "If I wanted to see Red Bull players, I'd drive out to New Jersey to watch them play."

While @HamidOnRye tweeted, "Welcome," he later stated, "HE IS NOT WELCOME. HE CAN GO BACK TO JERSEY!" and then closed his twitter account for the rest of the day as he was inundated with conflicting messages from his friends.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as @HamidOnRye debates buying a Lloyd Sam kit in 2017.