"Bagpipes For Football, Not For ESPN," Claims FC Edmonton Piper

Edmonton, AB - FC Edmonton Bagpiper Paul MacDonald stated that, "Bagpipes are for football, not for ESPN," after receiving requests from the ESPN staff to play for the camera during the FC Edmonton win over the New York Cosmos on Sunday.

"Our brothers were banned from Twickenham! They were banned from Rugby! Against Modern Football! Against Modern Rugby Administrators And Other Fans That Don't Know That Bagpipes Are Great" - Paul MacDonald

Photograph: Tom Jenkins for the Guardian

"I play for football, I play for my team, and I don't play for ESPN president John Skipper," stated MacDonald to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I'm not a trained monkey playing for an organ grinder. My pieces are meant to inspire, to lift up our team or to denigrate the opposition. I am firmly Against Modern Football Pipers and Against the appropriation of bagpipe culture and the commodification of Bagpipers as well as supporters culture, of which bagpipes are a part."

Reportedly, Mr. MacDonald has indicated that there is a trend of new modern pipers to just play for the cameras and to select pieces that don't reflect what is going on the field.

"I'm here for the lads and for the football, but there are pipers out there that are in this for the fame. The only fame is that achieved by the 11 on the field. When the cameras are gone, I'll still be playing. I'll be playing on recreational fields, and outside, and somewhere out Forest Heights or Mill Creek Ravine practicing because I need a place since the neighbors complained about this the last time I tried to practice in doors, but you CANNOT stop the brotherhood of football bagpipers!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Macdonald works on more up tempo selections to reflect a more youthful pipe perspective and attempts to pump up the team by exploring Beyonce's Lemonade as a Bagpipe exposition piece.

US Soccer Federation Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Last League Finally Leaves For The Start Of The Season

CHICAGO - The US Soccer Federation (USSF) breathed a huge sigh of relief, drank some mimosas and opened up a bottle of wine as the last league in the federation finally left for the start of the 2016 season.

"Now if we can just get the Central Conference out the freaking door."

"It's been a struggle to get the National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) to the starting date, but finally we can kick back, relax, catch up on some daytime TV and just veg out with a nice Bordeaux," stated the United States Soccer Federation to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"We've been hording episodes of the Blacklist and the Mentalist so that when we get the NPSL out of the blocks we can just relax and watch some shows. I can't tell you how happy we are to finally get some peace and quiet around here.

The Nutmeg News spoke to the National Premier Soccer League about the start of the season and they had the following to say.

"With our staggered start, we were already slightly out the door, but now finally we are going to get gone. We kept going back to get laundry and extra players and more uniforms and use the kitchen, but at some point it's time to get back to actually playing games. I mean, the Aguiluchos have already played six, but that doesn't mean we can't go back to get those sweet lemon cakes that Sunil makes before the Milwuakee Torent start playing in June."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the NPSL comes back with a couple new league entrants to just hang out next season, but totally not going to throw a party and light smoke bombs this time, ok? C'mon say it's ok, we will be responsible.

Denver Man Absolutely Certain He Has Handle On MLS Acquisition Rules

Denver, CO - Steven Albright has announced that he has finally gotten a handle on Major League Soccer Acquisition Rules, provided that nothing changes in the next few months, after a deep dive into the complex world of acquisitions, right of first refusal, salary cap, targeted allocation money, allocation money, designated player rules, young designated players rules, international spots, and roster rules.

"It's taken me 7 months, but I'm finally confident that I know how Major League Soccer acquires both regional and international players."

"It took me a few months, but I feel like I finally have a handle on the whole thing," stated Mr Albright to The Nutmeg News. "It's been a long road getting here, but it has been educational. As long as absolutely nothing major happens in the next few months, then I feel like I really have a grasp on everything."

While Mr. Albright foolishly has thought of the league acquisition rules as fixed and permanent, he also still has the best concept of the acquisition rules out of his circle of friends that attends Rapids games.

"We all depend on Steven to tell us how in the world players come and go in this league," said friend Philip Hilstep. "He always seems to know or at least has the want to learn how things happen. He has been a great resource."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Albright realizes that he is studying rules that have already changed in a few months.

"This Is Why We Need More Expansion," states Garber As He Prepares To Give LAFC Money To Zlatan

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) nervously paced the floor at MLS headquarters before signing a check for $110 million dollars to Zlatan Ibrahimović and stating to The Nutmeg News, "This.... This is why we need more expansion."

GIDDYUP

Reportedly the high octane pursuit of Zlatan occurred when Garber and company found out that the Paris St Germain striker was not as interested in moving to England as he was interested moving for $110 million dollars to literally anywhere.

"In order to prepare for Zlatan, we have had our rules and acquisitions committee working overtime to shred all of our previous transfer requirements, allocation orders, and discovery lists," stated Garber to The Nutmeg News on Friday morning.

"This is just going to be a fresh new start just for Zlatan that we are going to call the Zlatan Rule, which is coincidentally close to the same rule that we allow for every major star we get in this league with the major twist that we are just going to pay him a boat load of money. Basically the Zlatan rule will consist of players of a certain level being asked, 'where do you want to go?' When they tell us where they want to go and agree to go there, they get a massive over-sized check for real moneys that we collected a year earlier; and they, the player, go to the team they selected. It's that simple."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ibrahimović submits his playing contract which includes stipulations on no travel over 1100 miles in length and no turf games.

Kamara Heel Turn Elevates Higuain Face Status Before MLS Wrestlemania

NEW YORK - It has been revealed by sources in Major League Soccer (MLS) that Kei Kamara's heel turn from face contender was reportedly well received at the Major League Soccer front office in November after the former Crew forward pitched the idea during an advanced strategy meeting with the Major League Soccer front office.

"CAN YOU SMEELLLLLLLLLLL WHAT KAMARA IS COOKING?!"

"We knew that Kamara going Heel during the final moments of the transfer window would push Higuain to epic face status and set up an high flying no holds barred ladder match at MLS Wrestlemania," stated director of programming for Major League Soccer Carlotta Stevens. "This character arc really enforces the upcoming match between Kamara, Higuain, Samoa Joe and Finn Balor that will bring the house down when Finn betrays Joe and teams up with Higuain to pile drive Kamara into a collection of tables and then score a panenka."

While the heel turn for Kamara was unexpected by fans, Major League Soccer has reportedly been setting this up for over six months after intentionally leaking out Kamara's contract dispute to pave the way for his eventual betrayal.

"It's all part of the master plan. It's not quite on the level as the Montreal Screwjob, but we are just starting to work with our athletes to guide them on a character development arc," stated Ms. Stevens. "Eventually we want to work with Alex Morgan and Sydney Leroux to have them team up with Sasha Banks for a three woman battle Royal when we incorporate NWSL stars at our MLS Cup Wrestlemania halftime review."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Kei Kamara changes his walk out music to reflect his new identity.

Random Man On Internet Very Disappointed In USOC Actions

Dallas, TX -  Jerry Canover, soccer fan and moral arbiter of all things in the universe, reportedly was exceptionally disappointed in both the Harpos FC team and Detroit City FC fans for their actions after their US Open Cup games stating, "I'm not a fan of either of your teams, I barely follow the US Open Cup, none of you know me, I will never buy any of your merchandise, and I will never make it to any of your games, but I feel compelled to tell you online how disappointed you made me."

"I used to enjoy your antics, but I hope you understand how much you have disappointed me. You aren't Manchester United and you should feel bad because of this. Don't you know that soccer isn't about having fun? It's about pain and regret and slowly killing yourself with angst." - Jerry Canover

Reportedly, Canover was not following the annual tournament at all until he logged on to Reddit in the early hours of Thursday only to find that Harpos FC actually had a picture of their players drinking a beer in celebration and that the Detroit City FC fans rushed the field in celebration of their penalty kick victory over the Michigan Bucks.

"THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS," screamed Canover through his twitter account @DALInternetSoccerExprt. "How dare they enjoy themselves. Soccer is a dour affair where men must suffer and fans live in anguish and total subservience to the utter meaningless nature of their life. This life we live is hell upon earth and the only cleansing thing you can do to take things very seriously and live with my moral code imprinted upon your heartbeat until you die."

According to sources that know him, Canover is still frustrated that fans and teams that he doesn't know and don't care about him aren't beholden to his own personal viewpoints on North American Soccer, Major League Soccer, The US Open Cup and how to live a daily life.

"It's my way, full stop. And I'm going to ensure that I vocalize this every time some subjective rule of mine is broken in a major way online. The only way to ensure that people understand how wrong they are is by telling them this frequently in internet forums and social media."

The Nutmeg News will have more on as Mr. Canover takes Ventura County Fusion, Sacramento Gold, and Lansdowne Bhoys FC to task for failing to understand their place in the soccer world.

Targeted Allocation Money Happy For Second Chance In Columbus

Columbus, OH - After hearing of the trade from the New England Revolution to the Columbus Crew, Targeted Allocation Money (TAM) hung up his phone, hugged his mother and gave thanks for a second chance at cracking the lineup once more.

"I thought I was done in this league," stated TAM to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "However, we can all now see that if you keep working, if you keep grinding, you will have a chance to really make an impact. Glory to God on this momentous day."

While most Revolution fans indicate that Targeted Allocation Money wasn't living up to the hype during his time in Revolution colors, many of the fans that we spoke with wished him well as he headed off for the Yellow, Black, Blue, White and other colors they added to the third kit of Columbus.

"He was versatile, and they really tried to get him to make an impact but it was very clear that TAM needed a second chance somewhere else," stated Revolution fan Heidi Montcalm. "We liked his fire, but he just wasn't useful for us in this current lineup."

Crew fans have stated disbelief that they acquired the vaunted Targeted Allocation Money as many fans rushed the team store to purchase kits with #10 Money kits.

"He's Ours! WHAT A DAY TO BE ALIVE! We acquired Targeted Allocation Money," stated David Burroughs of Columbus.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TAM prepares for his first day with the Crew.

PreCog Taylor Twellman Finds Future and Present Time Indistinguishable

Boston, MA - As he woke up in a translucent liquid that focuses his ability to see the future, Taylor Twellman screamed, ** TRANSFER INCOMING -- KEI KAMARA TO THE NEW ENGLAND REVOLUTION**"

Twellman's focusing pool where he works with other precogs to train them on finding confirmed transfer reports.

This was the beginning of The Nutmeg News interview with Mr Twellman and we waited til he was dressed to speak to him about his precognitive abilities on the veranda of his palatial estate in Boston

"Life Is hell and I'm about to lose my hat," stated Twellman as he looked off into the distance while a cold wind blew his hat off into his waiting hand. "Or maybe life was hell. I can no longer distinguish between the present and the future. All things are one within the multiverse, the universe, player transfers and major soccer events. Also, you are about to have a ladybug land on your jacket and your phone is going to ring."

Both of these last events happened as predicted, but this should come as no surprise anymore. It has long been an open secret that Twellman's ability to disclose transfer information before it happens is unnatural, but he reports that living with the ability to see the future, the past and the present all as one heaving organism that tumbles within his frontal cortex out to the world is not a walk on the beach.

"Giovinco goal, assisted by Bradley, 31st minute, the defense should have closed down the open man," randomly stated Mr. Twellman again as he spoke with our reporter. "I don't know where it comes from, but I can feel it upon me at times. It is akin to when you can't remember a song title, but you know it will come to your memory if you just focus. I can see the things that happen," Mr Twellman paused here, shuddered and screamed ** MASSIVE TRADE INCOMING** before continuing with our interview, "but I can't do anything but be a vessel, a conduit for the information out there."

While Mr Twellman stated that being able to see both the future and the present and the past at one time is both a blessing and a curse, he also emphatically stated, "Matthew, Don't get married to Karina, it doesn't turn out well. Also, this whole seeing the future thing has never worked for me with MLS Fantasy, which is crazy. It seems that being able to see the future only works in the real world. Go figure."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Twellman accurately predicts that the response to the Kamara trade within the Columbus fanbase will not be immediately positive.

Man Arbitrarily Roots For Sunderland Relegation

LOS ANGELES - Soccer fan Horatio Gomez decided, randomly, at 8:30 am pacific time to root against Sunderland for the remaining two games of the season stating, "Fuck those guys, I hope they get relegated," on his twitter account.

"I have no strong feelings on Luton Town" - Horatio Gomez

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Gomez via phone about his recent realization.

"I don't have any particular reason to hope that they go down, but I saw some fans talking shit online about teams that I tend to like and they were Sunderland fans so I've just decided that I don't like them now and I hope they get relegated."

Reportedly, Mr Gomez doesn't typically feel strongly about any of the teams in the relegation battle and empathizes with their fanbase, but the twitter account of one Sunderland fan has rendered him into a frothing hater of all things Wearside. 

"I hate Sunderland, I hate Sam Allardyce, and I hate... um.... what's the name of a player on their team? Is Altidore still playing for them? No? Well, I hate... hold on.... Whabi Kharzi. There. I hope they go down to the Championship and never come up. SUCK ON THAT @WearSunFanatic69"

Nicklas Bendtner Explores Idea Of Creating MLS Transfer Rumor

Wolfsburg, DE - International superstar and Major League Soccer rumor acquisition bait Nicklas Bendtner has reportedly started exploring the idea of creating an MLS Transfer Rumor as his recent contract with Wolfsburg has been terminated.

Coming to the LA Galaxy! MAYBE!

Photo: Oliver Hardt : Getty 

"I need money and I need fame," stated Bendtner to TNN international correspondent Gustaf Reinholt on Wednesday. "I feel like I could find both by leveraging the MLS as a place to run rumors while utilizing those rumors to get another team in Italy to take a chance on me."

Reportedly Bendtner called his agent Ivan Marko in order to strategize a way to utilize the North American league in order to get more money and interest from teams like Chievo Verona or Bologna.

"We can leverage some interest in my name as it is internationally famous," stated Bendtner. "Let's just use the US Press machine to make it seem like I'm in demand and then we can get a better paycheck from Italy."

The Nutmeg News spoke to commissioner Don Garber about the Bendtner To MLS rumor and he had the following to say, "Major League Soccer is beyond excited to work with a player of Lord Bendtner's capabilities. We are already changing the league structure by virtue of instituting new player acquisition rules in order to allow the acquisition of Niklas by whichever teams he deems worthy of his services."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as rumors of Bendtner to MLS swirl and the die off. 

US Open Cup Madness Sweeps Over Dozens Of People

Denver, CO - As she gently tapped on the window on her local coffee shop shouting, "Harpo's FC is the team of the proletariat," Ms Doris Applebee of Denver, Colorado admitted that she was excited for this evening's US Open cup matchup of Harpo's FC versus Albuquerque Sol FC with the 2016 version of the United States Open Cup tournament kicking off on Wednesday.

"Can they do it again? 10's of people want to know!" 

Photograph: Richard Laemming Wheeler /Pockets of Peace

"Harpos FC will rise up and give a voice for the people as we gather around our youtubes and our computers to watch grainy feeds of the...is there a feed? No? Maybe? Well, if there isn't a feed we will gather around our twitter accounts and watch as the game unfolds allowing us to re-tweet the sundry game action in smug satisfaction!" 

While Ms. Applebee is excited for the upcoming tournament, she is not the only one as literally dozens of fans nation wide are excited by the tournament kicking off today.

"I can't wait," stated Paul Harrison of Tucson as he prepares for FC Tucson to take on San Nicolas FC. "I know that I and a few people that I know from the few times we casually nodded to each other while at a Tucson game are excited to host our US Open Cup game tonight."

The Nutmeg News acquired an interview with US Soccer Federation CEO Dan Flynn about the kickoff of the 2016 US Open Cup and he had the following to say, "Who, and What is kicking off? Are you on drugs?"

The Nutmeg News also spoke with Sandra and Alvin Redding of Portland, Maine about tonight's GPS Portland Phoenix game against AFC Cleveland and they expressed a measure of excitement stating, "Our son plays for Phoenix, so naturally we are going. Can't wait to see the game, we hope there is going to be more people there than the two of us."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people in your twitter feed constantly attempt to remind you of the USOC kicking off tonight before you forget.

Aggressive USSF US Open Cup Advertising Concludes With Singular Scheduled Tweet

The US Soccer Federation (USSF) concluded their aggressive US Open Cup advertising with a singular scheduled re-tweet on the day before the USOC kicks off shining an impressively dim spotlight on the annual tournament.

THAT IS SOME ADVERTISING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I had it in my outlook calendar to re-tweet something appropriate," stated US Soccer Federation public relations manager James Hargood. "We thought that we could create a firestorm by re-tweeting a notification from another, less popular twitter account that we are kinda using to aggregate everything. I mean, that's information enough for the general population."

Sources within the US Soccer Federation indicate that the top brass didn't want to push the tournament too much via advertising, public relations and television opportunities in case there was too much media saturation of the nationwide phenomenon.

"It's important to us to not tell people about the tournament," stated President of the USSF Sunil Gulati. "We don't want people to be overwhelmed with all the information out there on The Cup. What with the 24 hour ESPN coverage and the day of Cup broadcasts on all NBC Sports affiliates and the whip around show on Youtube that has cut in coverage of all the games with professional hosts, we fear that the general population is approaching a saturation point with US Open Cup Coverage."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation scales back it's advertising for next year.

Nihilist Crew Fan Admits, "None Of This Really Matters"

Columbus, OH - Nihilist Columbus Crew fan Harold Buttermaker has admitted that none of the recent problems with the Columbus Crew matter in the long run because, "They will likely make the playoffs anyway."

"Kei, you don't understand that the sun is going to explode and incinerate the Earth in a few million years anyway and even if that happens we will still make the playoffs... I mean, that's why you shouldn't take the penalty kick."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Buttermaker at his job on Tuesday afternoon as rumors swirled of a purported trade of either Kamara or Higuain before the transfer window closes.

"None of this matters. The arguments of the fans, the Capital Side, The Nordecke, Harrison Afful, Federico Higuain, Kei Kamara, Gregg Berhalter, Anthony Precourt, they come and go, and yet we all still make it into the playoffs in perpetuity as the world spins endlessly towards totally annihilation, dooming us all in the future."

According to sources inside his life, Mr Buttermaker's opinion on the situation of the Columbus Crew has been greatly influenced by the rising oceans, the theft of our natural resources, the knowledge that all humans die eventually and the knowledge that it is nearly impossible to miss the Major League Soccer playoffs and once you are in, "who knows what will happen."

"I'd get bent out of shape but in the end... does it really matter if Higuan or Kamara fight over a penalty kick? Does it matter if I stand in the Nordecke or on the Capital Side? Does it matter if Precourt signs Berhalter to a 10 year extension? No. We are still going to make the playoffs, and we will likely play better at some point, or not. Everyone will find a way to get along, or they will trade players. Something will happen, or nothing... either way, we are likely going to make the playoffs."

Chicago Fire Offer "Buy 0 Get 10" Ticket Event To Attract Fans

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire announced a "Buy 0 Get 10" ticket event on Tuesday in order to attract fans as Andrew Hauptman panhandled tickets to anyone willing to talk to him at the 294 overpass right next to the McDonald's off 76th Ct. 

PHOTO: @EmptySeatPics

"I mean this is a sellout!"

"FREEE TICKETS! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TICKETS" screamed Hauptman as a line of cars drove by and the drivers attempted to not make eye contact with the owner of the Chicago Fire.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Hauptman on his new street corner about this new ticket sales event and he had the following to say.

"We are reducing tickets to a low low price! All you need to do is be living or willing to bring a corpse with you and we will give you tickets to the game. How many do you want? I'll give you 5... no 6... no 10...no 20 tickets! 20 Tickets and all you have to do is show up to a game with as many living or dead people, or even mannequins, to fill the stands."

Hauptman stated that he was considering filling the stands with sentient robots if he couldn't give away his tickets stating, "Robots don't care if you insult them and show them terrible play and ensure that in a league where everyone makes the playoffs that you don't. At least the ones we would have in the stands wouldn't care."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chicago Fire try to come up with more ticket giveaway ideas.

Vancouver Whitecaps Issue Press Release Stating, "We Offer No Opinion On Fort McMurray" After Banner Hang Kerfuffle

VANCOUVER - The Vancouver Whitecaps hastily issued a press release clarification stating their ambivalence to the Fort McMurray situation on Monday after a "Support Fort McMurray" banner was allowed to hang in the supporters section of the Whitecaps fans during a game against the Portland Timbers on Saturday.

"Pride has been cancelled and we are expecting refunds from You Can Play"

"We do not condone political messages of any kind," stated Whitecaps Chief Operating Officer Rachel Lewis. "After a quick discussion with our Whitecaps supporters we decided to leave the banner as it was already hanging and we didn't want to cause a scene. However, the Whitecaps must categorically state that we will not tolerate political messaging of any kind and renounce the idea that the Whitecaps support  or do not support or even think about Fort McMurray and the issues that city is facing."

Ms. Lewis went on to say, "we are also retracting our support for Pride, and give racism the red card as these are both are inherently political statements. Supporters will be advised that supporting LGBT rights and opposing racism as a political statement in B.C. Place are antithetical to what the Whitecaps are about. We are attempting to craft a family friendly atmosphere free of any kind of thoughts as to the outside world what-so-ever and rampant political abuse like Support Fort McMurray draws attention to the suffering of others."

While Whitecaps supporters offered solidarity with the banner that was spray painted, they were reportedly not surprised to hear of the Whitecaps decision as security there has cracked down on any political statements in the past.

"While it is disappointing to find out that the Whitecaps must vocalize that they don't support Fort McMurray, we the fans will still make ourselves heard, unless, of course, they confiscate all of our supposedly political banners in the future," stated Whitecaps fan Dean Parot. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Whitecaps issue a statement claiming the previous statement and the conversation about the banner was taken out of context.

USWNT Fan Flips Car In Protest Of Wambach Witch Hunt

Boise, ID - Sandra Valen, fan of the United States Women's National Team, admitted that she flipped her car in protest of the recent, "Abby Wambach witch hunt," after TMZ revealed that Wambach flipped her SUV in the front yard of a house in Portland, Oregon two years ago.

Photo: Getty Images

"I'm here to announce that I've already forgiven Abby for any kind of infraction she may have done in the past including any supposed DUI's, drug running, xenophobic comments, dog fighting, illicit comments about teammates, or even murder," stated Ms. Valen to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I'm flipping my car in solidarity with Abby because this is bullshit. I'm posting this to my Tumblr account as a way to show that anyone can flip a car at any time. What someone does in the past stays in the past. There's no reason to dredge this back up. Abby told me to forget her, and I did. I literally forgot and forgave all her sins. I'm like Jesus in that way."

Ms. Valen admitted that she forgot everything about Ms Wambach except for her eternal love of Ms Wambach and the notion that, "Abby can do no wrong."

"SHE CAN DO NO WRONG. Have you seen how many goals she scored? Have you seen her trophy case? Have you seen old pictures of Abby recently and wept? I HAVE! This is just the liberal media out to get Abby and I won't stand for it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Valen starts talking about people from Germany taking her brothers job.

D.C. United Announce "The Customer Is Always Wrong" Policy In Light Of Criticisms

WASHINGTON - In response to recent criticisms of the D.C. United front office by fans such as the District Ultras, the D.C. United front office rolled out their new campaign which states, "The Customer Is Always Wrong."

Photo: Patrick McDermott/Getty Images

"We are almost there, boys! If we have no fans by the time we move into the new stadium we can increase pricing for the inaugural season!"

"We realized that if we stopped caring about our fanbase and told them that they were wrong that they would just have to accept it, because our attendance is shit anyway," stated  general manager Dave Kasper.  "We had a general front office and ownership meeting about our fans at the end of the 2014 season and we decided that we don't really like them. It behooves us to remove all the elements that we don't like before we move into a new stadium where we don't want the ruffians around that might bring down our team value."

Reportedly, the D.C. United front office is trying to flip the team for a tidy profit two years after the stadium at Buzzard Point is built and has plans to collectively buy a Brooklyn Brownstone with the money.

"We actually called Merritt Paulson to ask him about how to tell fans off, but he told us that his fans just end up loving him anyway for doing so. He really didn't have any advice on how to actually get fans to stop showing up to games," stated Mr. Kasper to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "So we called Jorge Vergara, who told us that the key to pissing off a fanbase was collectively apathy on and off the field, unreasonable sanctions on fans, increasing ticket prices, failing to keep promises and finding a way to ensure that the front office is a bigger story than the team on the field. We also reached out to Andrew Hauptman about this issue and he told us that the best way to reach a fanbase is to insult them by OP/ED online followed by not talking to them for the next few years and complete ineffectiveness on the field."

Sources within the D.C. United front office stated that if they can reduce the size of the supporters groups, they can sell more field level tickets at a higher price when they move into the new stadium so it behooves the team to eliminate as many fans with dissenting views as possible.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the D.C. United front office talks about invalidating the season tickets of any fans that dare challenge them in order to resell them to anyone else that wants the seats.

NBC Coverage Of Leicester City Pre-Game Sparkles As They Show 5 Seconds Of Coverage

NEW YORK - NBC today showed their new coverage of the Premier League champions by pushing the game to the USA network and showing roughly 5 seconds of Nessun Dorma as sung by Andrea Bocelli.

WALL TO WALL COVERAGE

"We realized that we needed to do more than absolutely nothing, so we upgraded from 0 seconds of coverage to 5 seconds of coverage," stated Michael Perman, vice-president of programming for NBC Sports.

"It was important for NBC to cover this in a really overbearing manner to show our commitment to the game so we managed to sandwich roughly 200 adds around the 2 seconds of atmosphere that we all knew existed but didn't really want to show at all. It was really more important to show some horses getting rubbed down and people talking about things that were eventually going to happen over on the main channel and show some hightlights while our announcers talk over the amazing scenes and then cut away before Bocelli sings."

Reportedly, NBC Sports was very proud of the fact that they moved from not giving a shit about the ceremony to do a really horrible job broadcasting it.

"It's a major step up for us! We are now doing an incompetent job. Before we weren't even doing A job. Hopefully we will figure out a way to do an even more moderately awful job going forward. Next year we hope to show you about 6 seconds of atmosphere followed by 86 commercials and then hopefully we will miss the first kick of the game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

American E-Sports Fans Bemoan Lack Of Ambition After FIFA Stars Sign Locally

LOS ANGELES - "How are we going to compete with Europe if our biggest E-sports competitors are signing with inferior teams in an inferior league," claimed Dennis Billow of Santa Cruz, California. 

West Ham Football Club's Dragonn with a second place finish to Mohammad Al-Bacha.

What Mr Billow is referring to is the current trend of US E-Sports specialists in FIFA such as Mr FiGoSkiLLz (Michael Ribeiro) and Brian Jaldin signing locally instead of testing out their skills internationally with clubs such as West Ham in the Barclay's Premier League.

"Until we get FiGoSkiLLZ signing with Chelsea like Dragonn signed with West Ham we won't be a soccer nation," stated Barbara Hemsworth of Upper Darby Township, PA. "Our best players need to be playing internationally, and they need to go up against the kind of competition you will see at the FIFA Interactive World Cup on a regular basis. Otherwise we are just going to end up flaming out in the early stages again."

"These Americans need to be playing in the best league in order to test themselves," stated head coach of the US FIFA team Jurgen Klinsmann

Reportedly while many Premier League teams are starting to look at the burgeoning E-Sports scene in England as a place to tap talent, they feel as though the soccer IQ in the United States isn't there yet.

"We looked at a young man from Boston who was 14," stated Finance Director of Sunderland Angela Lowes. "However, we felt as though he was lacking in tactical part of the game. He liked to play athletic, strong and fast and we felt like he couldn't hold down a nuanced position in our e-sports 11."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as LAFC tries to make a splash by offering HugeGorilla (Spencer Ealing) a contract in order to make a splash in the transfer market.

Christy Clark: British Columbia Ready To Take In Oregon Refugees But Still Needs Details On Federal Funding

Burnaby, B.C. - Mindful of maintaining border control during a contentious United States election year, the British Columbia provincial government announced an effort at settling refugees from the Oregon territory as they stream across the border this weekend to escape the election and future government of their country, Premier Christy Clark says.

Photo Credit: Ray Terrill - For more photos, please see his Flickr Account 

"They come here on foot carrying everything with them. We must nourish their spirit after such a long journey and offer counselling."

"We hope that the federal government will be able to make sure that they have the funding in place to ensure that every refugee has a section in B.C. Place to settle for fans from Oregon of the Portland Timbers."

"The province has set aside $250 dollars to resettle newcomers with Canadian beer as these refugees will need trauma counselling after being forced to leave their homes," Clark said Friday.

"We feel that the best way to treat these refugees is humanely and with the decency not found on the other side of the border," stated Premier Clark. "We expect to see a wash of green clad migrants struggling across the acrid land of the peace arch and arriving on our shores within the hour. We have made our facilities, hostels, bars, and dance clubs available in select parts of the city while ensuring that our coffee shops maintain the highest quality in pour over techniques."

Clark said it’s not known how many refugees will come to B.C., though she has previously said the province is ready to accept roughly 600 of them before the whole thing gets really annoying in B.C. place for the fans that sit next to them.

"Likely we are going to need to open that roof as the refugees from Oregon have not showered after their long journey across the wastelands."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as British Columbia works on integrating these new members of society into the social fabric of Gastown.