Nihilist Crew Fan Admits, "None Of This Really Matters"

Columbus, OH - Nihilist Columbus Crew fan Harold Buttermaker has admitted that none of the recent problems with the Columbus Crew matter in the long run because, "They will likely make the playoffs anyway."

"Kei, you don't understand that the sun is going to explode and incinerate the Earth in a few million years anyway and even if that happens we will still make the playoffs... I mean, that's why you shouldn't take the penalty kick."

"Kei, you don't understand that the sun is going to explode and incinerate the Earth in a few million years anyway and even if that happens we will still make the playoffs... I mean, that's why you shouldn't take the penalty kick."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Buttermaker at his job on Tuesday afternoon as rumors swirled of a purported trade of either Kamara or Higuain before the transfer window closes.

"None of this matters. The arguments of the fans, the Capital Side, The Nordecke, Harrison Afful, Federico Higuain, Kei Kamara, Gregg Berhalter, Anthony Precourt, they come and go, and yet we all still make it into the playoffs in perpetuity as the world spins endlessly towards totally annihilation, dooming us all in the future."

According to sources inside his life, Mr Buttermaker's opinion on the situation of the Columbus Crew has been greatly influenced by the rising oceans, the theft of our natural resources, the knowledge that all humans die eventually and the knowledge that it is nearly impossible to miss the Major League Soccer playoffs and once you are in, "who knows what will happen."

"I'd get bent out of shape but in the end... does it really matter if Higuan or Kamara fight over a penalty kick? Does it matter if I stand in the Nordecke or on the Capital Side? Does it matter if Precourt signs Berhalter to a 10 year extension? No. We are still going to make the playoffs, and we will likely play better at some point, or not. Everyone will find a way to get along, or they will trade players. Something will happen, or nothing... either way, we are likely going to make the playoffs."