After Day Three Of Pouring Through USSF Filings, Journalist Reports On Sense Of Ennui

CHICAGO - Journalist Peter Franklin reported a deep sense of ennui stemming from spending the last 3 days of digging through the collected filings of the US Soccer Federation and US Women's National Team regarding the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) complaint.

A modern soccer journalist in North America

"The only thing I can tell you is that I have clearly reached a stage where I don't care," stated Mr Franklin to The Nutmeg News on Friday. "There's just a mountain of legal documents that are being filed in this EEOC complaint and both sides are firmly entrenched and I'm not even certain what we are looking at anymore from a reporting standpoint."

While Franklin clearly has to file something, his determination of what that something is has changed from actual information to a general summation of the current details after seeing how much crap he has to sift through to try to find some kind of morsel of information.

"Look, I don't even know what I'm looking for, and I'm the one who actually gets to look through this stuff. And here's the thing.... I'm not getting paid any more money to spend my entire Thursday and Friday sifting through legalese and a bunch of terminology from the USSF. I'd rather write a preview of the games this weekend. Hell, I'd rather write a North American kit power ranking column than look through another document from this case. So draw your own conclusion from this and lets just wait til something else happens."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as despite his reservations, Mr Franklin continues to pour over documents until he just gets frustrated, shuts his laptop and boldly states, "fuck this".

Andrea Pirlo Deeply Sighs By A Mural As He Remembers He Actually Has To Go Back To Work

NEW YORK - Andrea Pirlo took in the mural that he was enjoying in the East Village at Doc Holliday's bar before the realization that he was having to go back to work and actually play football hit him right between the eyes.

Photo Credit: @Pirlo_official

"Merda! No matter how many times I tell myself I'm going to eventually retire and do something that I love, I end up having to go back to my 9 to 5 job." 

"I was enjoying myself by walking, thinking and discussing French literature written about the terroir of Burgundy and the sudden realization that I had to go back to work on Sunday hit me in a very specific and determined way. It was then on east sixth street while wating for my hired car that I experienced a deep feeling of dissatisfaction," stated Pirlo to The Nutmeg News.

"I had a deep longing to call my friend Gianlugi Buffon and jet back off to Ibiza again. It's been ages. I just need a vacation. It is what the Americans call a feeling of dread before the work week, the feeling of an approaching Monday."

While Pirlo is travelling to RFK stadium with NYCFC to play DC United, this hasn't cheered up the mood of the Italian as he admitted to procrastinating his preparation for the job on Sunday.

"I have been hitting snooze on my alarm and attempting to still enjoy the day. I'm not looking forward to the commute. I'm not looking forward to having to slave over a hot pitch for 90 minutes. However, I keep repeating that I'm not going to let having to go back to work ruin my weekend."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as Pirlo lets the idea of returning back to his job ruin the last 4 hours of his Saturday evening before he goes to bed when he is supposed to be relaxing but instead he pensively sucks on the corner of his cheek while he scans over his smart phone clicking on nothing in specific but just scanning facebook and twitter while delaying his bedtime because he knows that closing his eyes means he has to go back to his job again.

Supporters Group Claims Diversity Award

Duluth, MN - Thor's Hammer, a supporters group of the Minnesota Menace, have claimed a 2016 Supporters Group diversity award after they recently acquired a bisexual Vietnamese fan on loan for the rest of the year.

Soccer supporter group demographics in North America (excluding Mexico) can be a bit monochromatic.

"Let's not beat around the bush," stated Berthold Smith, president of Thor's Hammer, to The Nutmeg News. "We are a pretty non-diverse group of supporters, even if you look at many of the big groups nationally. It isn't intentional, but the demographics into the sport right now don't lie. It's especially obvious when you browse pictures across the pantheon of soccer supporters in the United States. Soccer stands in the US and Canada aren't exactly a hugely diverse place, yet. So when we added Samuel Nguyen to our ranks this year it upped the diversity of the league supporters group by a whopping 10%."

Mr. Smith admitted that the group pictures of Thor's Hammer used to resemble an IT company's annual picnic, but now he stated that the supporters group is proud to showcase actual physical evidence that they are inclusive and welcoming, even if most of the membership remains lily white.

"We have always had people flying pride flags, but many of our members in our LGBT community moved to Minneapolis in the past few years. So it's really nice to have a double whammy of someone from Vietnam who also is part of the LGBT community. Really gives us that edge in the awards categories."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thor's Hammer tries to figure out a way to reach out to more fans from different socioeconomic areas of the city who may not even understand that they might enjoy soccer.

33 Year Old Fan Defies Common Sense On Gameday

Salt Lake City, UT - "It's not like back when I was 22 when I could drink all day without a problem, but I'm fine... I'm COMPLETELY FINE," stated Tim Brown of the Sugarhouse neighborhood while defying the advancement of his age that will require him to pay for his actions at the game on Saturday by being unable to move on Sunday. 

"Every time he gets to the weekend and another home game, he promises me that he is going to take it easy," stated Mr. Brown's fiancee Jerry Stillwater. "Then he goes to the game, has a few beers, forgets how it makes him feel and the next thing you know he is jumping up and down on concrete, waving a flag and yelling profanities at the field. I keep telling him that he is 33, and he can't go to the game wearing a replica kit like a 14 year old kid, slamming beers in the parking lot, and jumping around like crazy. You have to have a bit of a limit and he is still realizing his."

While Mr. Brown was indisposed on Sunday to speak with The Nutmeg News, we caught up with him at The Park Cafe on Thursday morning to speak with him about his actions.

"Well, I went to the game, talked to some friends outside the stadium, which turned into talking to some of their friends, which continued into doing tequila shots with some 20 year old college kids at their first game that were hanging outside which lead to drunkenly singing songs, which lead to 6 Bud Lights during the game, which lead to me pulling my kit off and whirling it around my head around 70 minutes after the Yura goal which turned into a massive headache, a migraine most of Sunday, and needing to lie in a cool dark place to recover."

Reportedly, Mr. Brown has considered changing his tickets from a supporters section to something a bit less rowdy, but forgets how awful he feels post hangover by the time the next game rolls around and continues to want to deny his advancing age.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Brown notices a persistent back and knee pain and deliberates whether he needs to switch to craft beer because Bud Light is just, "wrecking me, ugh... god."

Blogger Works Hard To Somehow Connect Leicester City Victory To United States

Des Moines, IA - Blogger Steven Kuparik diligently worked on a story, Thursday, that would allow him to connect the seemingly dissimilar events of the Leicester City premier league title and the current landscape of American soccer.

"I'm not sure yet how this is going to work out," stated Mr Kuparik to The Nutmeg News, "but I'm hoping that when I'm done writing this story that my heart wrenching emotes will connect the two situations allowing all of us in the entire United States to bask in the reflective glory of the Leicester City championship."

Reportedly, Mr. Kuparik came to this idea as 10,000 bloggers did, by watching Chelsea draw Tottenham to hand Leicester the championship and then wondering, "what does this say about MY situation."

"I just wanted to understand myself better, my situation better and my soccer better by allowing all of that to be covered in the glory of the win of a mill town in England. Despite neither of the situations really having anything to do with each other, I'm going to struggle on through that for some tenuous grasps such as, 'the struggle for authenticity is one we face everywhere' or I'll cribb some of the data from Wells Thompson's ESPN piece that I'll pass off as new information for my tens of readers. Somehow, someway I'm connecting this victory to my own situation."

Goal Allows Fleeting Joy For Critic Of North American Soccer Structure

NEW YORK - Eternal critic of the soccer structure in North America Carl Pearson admitted that he allowed himself a feeling of fleeting joy while watching a goal scored by Steven Mendoza during NYCFC's 3-2 win over the Vancouver Whitecaps.

"One must only allow themselves feelings when they watch the European leagues. Only league stooges allow themselves any sentimentality towards the act of soccer within North America."

"I felt a tremor in my extremities which soon enveloped my entire body. Words of joy came out of my mouth before I could stop them," stated Mr Pearson to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "I momentarily felt the kind of happiness that leads one to abandon all kinds of moral pretense. I resolved quickly after that to regain my resolute dissatisfaction of the structure of soccer within North America and buried that feeling of joy of the game of soccer without pondering on the overall impact that it has upon a society deep within my soul where it will not awaken until an inadvertent yelp will be exclaimed after a David Villa goal four months from now."

Mr. Pearson has stated that he does not allow himself to feel any joy at the game of soccer from any league in the United States or Canada due to the fact that all leagues are complicit in the, "Cabal like structure that strangles real growth of a league based upon anarchic community owned syndicates that operate within a grass roots endeavor." 

He stated, as well, that on rare occasions he can once again regain the love of the game of soccer independent of the geo-political ramifications of enjoying the sport, but that this typically only happens twice per year before he reminds himself, "man in this country cannot enjoy soccer ever whilst the elite oligarchy strangle our dreams in the cradle with the umbilical chord of the centrally controlled league bourgeois elite while our dreams of a socialist utopia involving cut throat capitalist league structures ensuring that mediocrity and failure is resolutely punished dies and withers."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Pearson asks his friend Leonard to not post the photo of him doing a "fist pump" in celebration.

Soccer Trolls Unite To Set New Standards

Soccer trolls the continent over announced that they are uniting to set new standards for their members in order to further their trolling over the game they hate.

"We had t-shirts but the soccer morons kept buying them to wear ironically."

"We've been utilizing the 'this is 'MURICA we hate ties' argument for so long that it has been well and truly fucked out," stated Jason Levinthen director of Soccer Haters Of North America (SHONA). "I even saw someone utilizing the old standard of throwing out homophobic slurs in order to demean soccer players as 'limp wristed' or 'pansies' while praising football and the olden days when, 'men were men'. This kind of terrible trolling will not stand. We must work together as a group to enable new standards in order for people who hate soccer to actually get under the skin of people who love soccer."

The Nutmeg News spoke with SHONA member and soccer hater, Jim Davies of Tallahassee, Florida, about his trolling game and he had the following to say, "I've had to step up my game. I realized that yelling about how this country won't stand for soccer doesn't work anymore. So I've started watching games to get intimate details that I can use to troll soccer fans with. I mean, without knowledge I'm just an empty blowhard spewing vomit out into the internet. With knowledge, I can really make these communists feel bad."

Reportedly, Mr Levinthen has advised SHONA members to be careful about their soccer consumption as he has already lost some members to the sport with their repeated viewing.

"I recommend that all SHONA members douche their frontal cortex with a heavy amount of the hardest hits in the NFL in order to restore their manliness. We can't be losing our essence to these godless round ball loving fools. We must stay strong and remember that we watch so that we can hate."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Levinthen depressingly finds himself excited for an upcoming Champions League Game.

NWSL Officials Primed For Second Go Round After Reminder To Not End Games Early

NWSL Officials were primed for a second go round of the season after a reminder from FIFA, PRO and the rest of the world to not end games early.

Photo Credit: http://www.proreferees.com/

How many minutes are there in a game? 85? 70? Who knows?!

After a situation in Boston where the head referee of the Boston Breakers versus Portland Thorns NWSL match ended the game and picked up the ball before the minimum of two minutes of stoppage time had elapsed and then realized that there was still time left in the game before restarting the game, PRO admitted that their referees were confused by how much time was actually in a soccer game.

"We had some referee's asking how much time was in a soccer game and whether it was necessary to continue a game that was all but over with all that stupid stoppage time in a match if they had dinner reservations at Alden & Harlow," stated general manager of PRO Peter Walton. "We had to reiterate that it was a minimum of stoppage time, not a general suggestion, and that they should always plan their dinner plans to be further out from the finish of the game."

The Nutmeg News can confirm that while nearly everyone including the players, crowd, coaches and assistant referees thought the game was over that it was, in fact, not. The result was that the game restarted and finished with 90 seconds of pure quality that shows how on level the refereeing from PRO is with other sports.

"We may have messed up the finish, but those 90 seconds were amazing," stated Walton. "It was right up there with Howard Webb in a Champions League final. And honestly, anyone could make that mistake, it isn't like we are getting paid to be referees. Soccer is a fluid game, maybe we should just be able to end games whenever we like. Until that happens, though, we DO plan in the future to actually have the game finish when it is designated to do so and not early."

Journalist Seeks New Pejorative As "Soccer Hipster" Description Pronounced Dead

NEW YORK - "Soccer hipster is DEAD" declared writer for the New York Observer Edward Lipscott, "And I need something new to utilize in a way that will marginalize and demonize any groups of fans that I disagree with, find quirky, or simply don't know anything about at all."

HOW DARE YOU SUPPORT THIS SPORT. GET OUT.

Mr. Lipscott spoke to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday about his quest for a new pejorative to replace "Soccer Hipster" as a word utilized to generalize and insult groups of fans in North America or abroad. 

"We had an influx of heavy soccer-hipster usage in the early 10's," stated Lipscott, "and everything was hunky dory. We had hipsters following World Cups, hipsters in Brooklyn following Atletico Madrid, proto-anarchist-hipsters supporting St Pauli, coffee-sucking-quasi-seceding-hipsters supporting the Sounders, Timbers, and Whitecaps, anti-nationalist-hipsters supporting illogical national team sides, and provincial-hipsters supporting NPSL teams; but it is a long time coming that we journalists find another term to utilize in order to express our disdain."

Mr. Lipscott has admitted to a long list of test pejoratives that will demonize fans in a way that suggests they are both illegitimate, silly, vapid and worth mocking, but he states, "I won't release what I'm going to use til I co-ordinate the usage and release of the word across the entire continent. It's important to ensure that self-righteous bloggers, firebrands, sports radio talk show hosts, and every reporter not worth their salt utilizes this word going forward as the catch-all way to show your readership how awful these people are in life. Currently, I admit, there is nothing more illuminating than the usage of 'Soccer Hipster' in a paragraph which distinctly allows your readership to immediately peg you as an unimaginative hack and lazy writer indulging in trope. I hope to change this for the worse and eventually allow all of us to revisit soccer hipster in another 10 years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Lipscott works feverishly to ensure that the soccer hipsters don't get their grubby hands on his word.

After Disappointing Team Dinner, Columbus Crew Feel They Deserve Better

Seattle, WA - After another disappointing team dinner held at Salena Mexicana in the Westlake Center on Saturday evening, the Columbus Crew felt that they deserved better from their meal.

"The Crew dominated the early ordering but were unable to break through and actually have a lengua torta in time."

The Nutmeg News spoke to sporting director and head coach Gregg Berhalter about the performance and he had the following to say.

On the food...

"I think it was a meal of two halves in terms of us controlling the order in the first half and them controlling the serving in the second half, which I guess they don't do there. I'm a little bit disappointed with our reaction to the extra cost of guacamole and I thought we lost our aggression and purpose. You know, our queuing wasn't good enough to allow all the players to order in a timely fashion and it allowed them to take control of the meal and after the first half of order, which I felt we had a couple of good opportunities to eat well, it was disappointing to end the game like that."

On the message to Federico Higuain coming out of the bathroom half way through ordering...

"It was about the next chance to order a torta. Not worrying about any potential misses from the people in line in front of him but focusing on the next opportunity. You always order the torta if you get a chance. In eating, sometimes you make them, sometimes you miss them so it's not getting too down and just focusing on the next opportunity that you get to order a torta. My god, they are delicious."

On the aspect of a low-calorie meal...

"Listen, overall I think the team probably got some good calories out of this game. You know we came to eat like we always do. We eat regardless of the atmosphere at the mall and we came to dominate the game. For large stretches we did just that. Unfortunately, we weren't able to maintain that up to our standard and we ended up eating at a mall. It's a mistake, but it's a long season. We won't be coming out here to eat again.

The Nutmeg News also spoke with defender Michael Parkhurst about the meal and he had the following to say.

On the match...

"We are upset. We are distraught. Our bowels are clenched. We felt like we deserved to win that meal and at the minimum leave there without gastrointestinal distress. We are very upset with ourselves that we gave up a soft taco on a misorder like that. We fell asleep and they punished us for it. We have to finish a meal out."

On what they can take from this meal moving forward in the season...

"We can take that we need to focus for 90 straight minutes after the game to decide to eat somewhere other than a mall. In this league you can't fall asleep for a second. We have a tiny per diem and our indecision cost us. You know what we did and we got punished for it and now we go home with bad food, zero points and we need to learn from that mistake.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Crew attempt to rectify their ordering mistakes with some home cooking.

Eight Month Title Drought Comes To Dramatic End For New Leicester Fan

NEW YORK - Leicester City fan Bob Steward finally had his title drought come to an end in dramatic fashion after Chelsea Football Club knocked Tottenham Hotspur out of the Premier League title race on Monday evening to hand Leicester City FC the Premier League title.

Photo Credit: AP

THIS IS YOUR GOLDEN GOD.

"It's been a tough 8 months since I switched from being a Chelsea fan to being a Leicester City fan," stated Mr Steward to the Nutmeg News on Monday evening. "But finally my suffering has come to an end. We are champions for the first time since.... um... hold on, let me check wikipedia..... Oh... EVER. CHAMPIONS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER! What a feeling"

While Mr. Steward was celebrating Chelsea's title last season at this time, he didn't know what a long trip it would be towards supporting Leicester City as he switched his allegiances just in enough time to suffer through months of a title drought that extended back to the formation of the club in 1884. 

"It's a been a long time coming since  Leicester City was formed by a group of old boys of Wyggeston School as 'Leicester Fosse' until just now, when we became champions," stated Mr Steward as he casually browsed the Leicester City wikipedia page. 

"I'm just getting tearful thinking about the long time, and I'm planning on celebrating by ordering my Manchester City kit for next season right now."

Reportedly, the friends of Mr. Steward say that they have never known a bigger Leicester City fan as none of them before 2016 even knew that Leicester City existed.

"Yeah, Bob is really a huge fan of Leicester City and Chelsea so today was a great day for him. He really seems to love all teams in blue," stated friend Andrea Townsend. "It's a great day for him and almost as good a day as the day when he learned how to appropriately pronounce the name of the city. What a day to be a fan for the last 8 months."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Steward celebrates vociferously. 

Pioneers Of Equality: Man Plays Seattle Reign Game On Tablet

Bremerton, WA - Seattle sports fan Paul Oliver made the bold decision to play the live Seattle Reign game on his Nexus Tablet while watching the Sounders replay on his phone and the Mariners game he DVR'd on Television on Sunday.

"I think something happened in one of the games, but I'm not entirely certain what it is."

"I was going to watch the Reign game on my phone, the Sounders replay on my tablet and the Mariners game on TV, but I decided... you know what? Time to give those gals their due, so I moved the Reign game to my tablet, the Sounders replay to my phone and kept the Mariners on TV," stated Oliver to The Nutmeg News on Monday.

"I'm a woman's man and as such I think it's important to keep progressing the social order of things. That's why I gave the Reign second billing in my household. Now granted, I had to make a few errand runs while the games were going on, but I can guarantee that my tablet stayed on the YouTube stream most of the night."

While Mr Oliver's progressive stance stands in stark contrast to his neighbors, he forges ahead with his feminist belief that the Reign deserve second billing in his household.

"It's like I say. Equality is me giving second billing to the women while the Mariners piss away another game in Kansas City on a DVR recording I would have watched live if I wasn't at the farmers market all afternoon. We are breaking boundaries here. Just three years ago, I didn't even acknowledge the Reign, but now we are here and I'm seriously thinking of purchasing an Alex Morgan kit for my daughter Elizabeth."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Oliver proudly contemplates his new feminist ideal.

Office Mixup Leads To Chastened Timbers Fan

Portland, OR - "What a game...WHAT... A... GAME.... GREAT RESULT," said confused Timbers fan Jeremy Quigly as he inserted himself into a sports conversation that he thought had to do with the Timbers 2-1 victory over Toronto FC only to find out that his office mates were discussing the Portland Trailblazers 12 point loss against the Golden State Warriors.

"So.... um.... what ARE we talking about here?"

"I was listening to Tara, James and Simon talking about sports and, 'the game yesterday' and I mistakenly inserted myself into the conversation," stated Mr. Quigly to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "It turns out that the Timbers aren't the only game in town and that they were drowning their sorrows in shared commiseration over the Blazers loss to the Warriors on Sunday and NOT the Timbers 2-1 win over TFC."

Reportedly, Mr. Quigly quickly removed himself from the conversation while slowly slinking away to the coffee machine and bathroom to pretend that he didn't interrupt three heartbroken fans with his over exuberant statements.

"That didn't work out like I planned, but how did I know what they were talking about. I just heard, 'that game yesterday' and I jumped into the deep end. I should have known better, but I thought everyone would be talking about the win yesterday."

While Mr. Quigly may have breached office protocol, he remains steadfast in his opinion that soccer should be talked about at work stating, "Someone's got to do it. So I just walked around the cubicles looking for soccer paraphernalia until I found someone that had a Barcelona scarf in their office. We had a nice conversation about the game, so I've got that going for me."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Craster from Human Resources notices three fans talking about the game yesterday and excitedly interjects about the Portland Thorns recent 1-0 win over the Boston Breakers.

Fan Spews Hot Take On Fanbase He Knows Nothing About

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy fan Victor Denilson stated, "I think Sporting Kansas City fans love fan culture more than they love the game" despite having never attended a single game of any sport in Kansas City.

Well done, Cauldron.

"It's clearly obvious that all they like is to drink, hang out with their friends and paint pretty pictures." stated Denilson to The Nutmeg News on Monday morning. "I don't actually know anyone from Kansas City and I don't have any intention to go to watch a game there and actually I've never even gone to the city but I am 100% certain of my belief about Kansas City fans based on, like, three guys that I used to follow on Twitter."

While the righteous anger from Mr. Denilson oozed out on his twitter account in the morning, he spared no one as he continued to take his battle against fans that didn't even know he exists to all avenues of the internet including Big Soccer, Facebook, MLS comments and reddit.

"These fans must know that they are just self serving art-and-crafts fans who show up for a sporting event every week. Real sports fans sit there with their arms crossed, scowling at the field and ignoring everything around them as they criticize and internalize all the action that happens in front of them. If you are singing, or dancing or holding flags and two sticks, you are in this for the wrong reasons, BUCKO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Mr. Denilson continues his online harangue against all fans by stating that, "This is why soccer will never be big in the United States."

Fans Keep Others Away To Hide Popularity Of Lower Division Club

EDITORS NOTE: In order to file this story we were required to keep the location and names of the people herein anonymous. The following contains redacted locations and team names, and pseudonyms to protect their identity.

REDACTED - REDACTED supporters group members "David Jefferson" and "Kelly Landow" (names changed to protect their identity) have long followed the saga of other groups in the United States and Canada including the Atlanta Silverbacks and Detroit City FC in an effort to figure out how to save their own soccer culture from being absorbed into the upper leagues and reborn as a different club. The two hit on a methodology at keeping their team their own as they stated to The Nutmeg News, "We just stopped talking about our club, and try to encourage other members of our supporters group to appear apathetic about soccer online."

"Yes, I would like to talk about soccer that exists somewhere within the borders of North America. No, I would not like to show you."

"Attracting attention to yourself is death in these countries," stated the duo, "and we have watched people who have drawn attention of the league front offices to their own passionate love of soccer who end up watching their creation and energy pilfered by the so-called big leagues of the area in the USL, NASL and MLS. We have decided to take down our pictures of games from our private servers, ensure that people do not post to facebook, take down our twitter page, and we have stopped inviting people to go to REDACTED games with us."

Reportedly, the two have gone to extreme levels to protect their fun by "wearing code" as they eschew things that supporters in North America typically use like scarves, team apparel, flags or anything with imagery associated with the beautiful game.

"We dress to ensure that no one knows we are going to have fun with our friends for 90 minutes at a soccer game," stated Ms. Landow. "We also ensure that we tell NO ONE of our team, our fun, or our passion. We ensure that we use smoke not as a celebratory device but as a way to hide our true numbers so that people can't say, 'look at all the passion for soccer here, we should talk expansion.' It's that important to us."

Mr. Jefferson stated to The Nutmeg News that the group has a code for meetups which include adapted statements from the 1996 book Fight Club as the group states, "THE FIRST RULE OF redacted IS THAT YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT redacted."

The Nutmeg News would have more on this but we were informed that the groups 15 minutes of TracFone time was up and they had to throw the burner phone away.

Bored Journalist Writes Article In Support Of Concussions

TORONTO - "Back when men were men," stated bored journalist Kyer Maclethorpe as he penned a piece even he didn't really believe defending concussions as a function of the game of soccer that has by his own statement, "been watered down by a bunch of dickheads bent on making Canadian soccer less manly."

"There's not enough brain damage in the league anymore. Both of these players should be completely bloody and unable to remember their children's names" - Kyer Maclethorpe

"Look, I'm out of topics that don't pertain the the game that just happened, there are 6 days of content I have to fill before we get a new talking point and I need something that will work. And lets be honest, nothing sells papers and gets clicks on your website like a contrary opinion that evokes nostalgia of a by-gone era where everything was more simple and people were really tough while inflaming the passions of people from this current generation by insulting them and calling their generation entitled un-knowing rubbish. All you have to do is pick a controversial topic, take the opposite stance on it and then let the words fly," stated Mr. Maclethorpe. 

Hanson Reynolds, the Toronto Times sports editor stated, "We told Kyer that he needed to produce clicks in order to keep his job. We don't really care what he writes as long as he gets some page clicks and we see some advertiser money."

Maclethorpe defended his position on support of concussions by stating, "You really don't even need to believe what you are writing, that's the best part. Just defend the living hell out of it and watch the readers roll on in. The more flamboyant the take and the more relevant to recent events, the better. Go after someone like Taylor Twellman or blame the fans enraged reaction on entitled millennials or stupid fans who appropriate soccer culture as faux-hooligans and you can get a job writing for papers. You might even get a position reporting on the game for ESPN. It's a shell game but one that we can all live with as our careers slowly become shuttered by the death of newspapers world wide."

The Nutmeg News will have more as Mr. Maclethorpe writes an article about how the game has been ruined by having referees at all and that players should play even if they have to amputate their own limbs on the field.

Major League Soccer Announces That Detroit Can Skip Having A Stadium If They Give The League 750 Million Dollars

Detroit, MI - Major League Soccer announced an addendum to the league stipulation of a stadium for expansion if the Detroit bid will, "Just give the league 750 million dollars instead."

Shout out to Amway!

Reportedly the league has required a stadium for all new expansions but realized the value in just allowing a team to go ahead and play anyway after getting a truck load of money from the New York City FC expansion operator group.

"A stadium is good, so are fans, but money is better," stated commissioner of Major League Soccer Don Garber. "I don't want to speak out of turn but if 750 million dollars just showed up in our bank account, Detroit FC could start playing next year. Shit, we will do a deal with the Tigers, give them a small cut in on ownership and get Detroit Football Club to indefinitely play at Comerica Park just like we did with NYCFC. That way they can hammer out underhanded and backhanded deals with the local government for about 10 to 20 years while we hammer out articles like, 'Is the Detroit FC stadium coming soon?!' on our website. It'll be the Revolution and D.C. United all over again."

Sources within Major League Soccer stated that while the league relaxed its mandate on actually having a stadium if you have a boat load of cash, that they have not relaxed their mandate on having billionaire owners.

"I grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side, Staying alive was no jive, Had second hands, moms bounced on old man. So then we moved to Detroit land. Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M Dolla dolla bill y'all," stated Don Garber before he dropped the microphone off the lectern and posed for a photo.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this saga as it continues in your city.

Major League Soccer Registers All Male Zygotes As Homegrown Players

EDITORS NOTE: We spoke with Mr. Alderson about the issue that all zygotes/humans start life as female, but he stated this does not deter the current plans of Major League Soccer and that they will register all zygotes on the outside chance they turn into male soccer players.

NEW YORK - In a precautionary move, Major League Soccer announced that they registered all male zygotes currently gestating in their mothers wombs as homegrown players for Major League Soccer.

"We have to label these early term developmental zygotes before they mature into a fetus and declare for Chivas Guadalajara or Bromby."

"We have to protect our trademark and our brand," stated director of Eugenics for Major League Soccer, Brad Alderson. "It's important for the fan to realize that we must be proactive in adding players to our league, even if those players aren't going to play any time soon. If we are going to register our websites and trademarks for teams and locations that don't even exist yet, we are damn certain going to do the same for players."

Reportedly, Major League Soccer has worked with hospitals and health insurance companies to ensure that there are league loyalty clauses and contracts for newly pregnant women across the United States and Canada.

"While we have retroactively added all current zygotes to our development and gestation academy, we are also working on the future babies not even in our development and gestation academy system. We like to call this decision day," stated Mr Alderson to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday. "Mothers and fathers on the day that they find out they are expecting a child get to decide if their zygote has a chance at being a professional soccer player bound to Major League Soccer for the entirety of their child's life or if their upcoming fetus will be barred from all future development opportunities in the sport of soccer. It's a simple choice, really. We are just trying to protect the future by signing up all unborn male children in the United States and Canada. What's the harm in that?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer offers a $10,000 bonus for any mother who names her son, "Firstname Lastname brought to you by Advocare and Major League Soccer"

Revolution Security Agent Concerned At Tampon Choices Of Fan

Foxborough, MA - Revolution security agent Timmy Oliver stated that he was, "very concerned about the tampon choices of season ticket holder Jane McHendry of Attleboro." 

"You should likely also think about switching away from that Maybelline mascara as it has known carcinogens."

With the New England Revolution mandating a clear bag policy for entrance into Gillette Stadium, Mr. Oliver has found himself staring more and more at the private items that women bring through. It was during his recent search of personal property that he noticed through her clear plastic bag that Ms. McHendry was using Tampax regular but not Tampax radiant or not even the Tampax pearl

"I spoke to her about the fact that Tampax radiant gives her a better absorbency for her menses, but she just wouldn't listen," stated Mr. Oliver to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday. "With the fact that I am an amateur gynecologist, I feel that I should be taking note of what women are bringing in on a daily basis. For example: I noticed that Tiffany Emberson switched from bringing in a random PLAN B pill to not bringing one in at all. I asked her if she had been sexually active and warned her about HPV. I mean, I saved that girls life."

While nearly everyone on the planet thinks that making people bring in their items in clear plastic bags is just utterly stupid and does nothing except allow snooping dickheads to look at your stuff, the NFL, The Revolution and likely (eventually) Major League Soccer think they need to see what is in your bag.

"It's important for us to ensure that your health and safety are paramount," stated President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "Just like our mandatory prostate exams for men, we will ensure that women are taking care of their cycle correctly and ensuring that they are informed about birth control choices including abstinence which is a core cornerstone of Major League Soccer at every level."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer takes out a full page advertisement warning specific season ticket holding women, by name, that their makeup has expired and they should think about changing it out for a MLS sponsored bare minerals kit.

Millennial Develops Opinion On Player He Never Watched

Erie, PA - "John Harkes is the best player the United States has ever produced," announced 18 year old William Arbus to THE INTERNET on Monday afternoon.

"Some of you had to google this," stated a pompous little shit known as Mr. Arbus

Despite his inability to watch a single minute of Harkes play live and having been born four years before Harkes officially retired from the Columbus Crew, this still didn't stop Mr Arbus from developing an opinion on the former United States international.

"This man is drastically overlooked in the pantheon of US players," ranted Mr. Arbus. "Granted, I never watched him play in the flesh and I'm relying entirely on grainy youtube highlight packages and my fathers faulty memory but that isn't going to stop me from telling everyone that will listen that John Harkes is the best and that they are wrong about everything mostly because they started watching soccer in 2010."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Arbus father Geoff about his son's opinion and he had the following to say, "I really based my own opinion on this subject with the limited soccer options that we had to watch during the early 90's. Honestly, we didn't even have regular soccer to watch til way after the 1994 world cup so I would likely have thought that any player that I heard about on a regular basis was the best. This is why everyone that started watching soccer in the early 2000's thought Landon Donovan was the best, it's not like we had other options. Honestly, any player who played at any level in England was the best player we ever had at that time. Although I'm not certain there is any difference between then and now in that regard."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Arbus develops an opinion on Garrincha.