TNN Style And Brand Watch: City And United, Rising - Regionally Appropriate Nicknames, Falling

HI FRIENDS, The Nutmeg News style editor, man about town and resident brand expert Stephen Harrow here to tell you about the trends in Men's soccer in the United States for 2016.

Well, kick this thing right off with the #1 trend of 2016:

CITY/UNITED:

YES, brand recognized important demographic of readers and viewers, City and United are the way forward for your club or franchise team branding while nicknames like Whitecaps, Sounders, and Timbers are on their way out. The branding experts have spoken and their focus groups of unaffiliated people in the office that were pulled out of accounting meetings think that Location followed by United and/or City speak to a general fan, while also conveying an ideal of dignity and universality. 

City and United, as branded entities, bring us together and most of them also give an air of the European to our provincial leagues which helps bring on board those that think names like Chicago Sting are stupid! As our brand experts indicate, the only thing about City and United that will offend someone is the lack of effort put forth towards picking a different name. 

YES, FRIENDS. The brand of your club is the methodology by which the front office engages you at a specific price point for an exchange of entertainment! It's SCIENCE! 

What The Nutmeg News style board is looking for in 2016 is branded and appropriately marketed supporters groups in Major League Soccer. Names like Timbers Army, Emerald City Supporters, The Southsiders, and The Cauldron are all woefully out of date when it comes to current branding trends. 

We hope to see Portland City Supporters United, Or Seattle United Soccer Club City, or possibly Vancouver City United Football Club Supporters, or possibly Kansas City City United Supporters United Football Club (KCCUSUFC). The way forward for these groups of fans is appropriate branding and a concerted effort at trademarking while expanding their brand potential through social media! 

So keep on trend and keep on brand, friends. We will see you in the future for more TNN style trends and brand watch!

Desperate For Authenticity, Local Sports Reporter Covers Ballon d'Or As Though It Matters

Topeka, KS - Desperate for authenticity and page views, local Kansas sports reporter Graham Darrow covered the Ballon d'Or ceremony by live blogging the happenings on the Topeka Capital-Journal website as though the ceremony actually mattered.

It's basically one or the other for 8 years. Even if someone has a  better season it is likely Ronaldo or Messi are going to win. 

"I could be covering something local or even trying to cover the early season for Sporting Kansas City, but I've been told that this Ballon thing is a big deal internationally so I'm just going to write about it as though I'm shocked that the guy who wins isn't the guy who wins nearly every year," stated Darrow to friends on Sunday evening. 

While this grasp at authenticity may seem shallow to some, Darrow desperately needs the clicks on his newspaper live blog to keep his job within the quickly vanishing industry. "Newspapers are dead and I'm just trying to ride this thing into the ground. The more clicks I can get the better, even if that means that I'm just repeating trite observations like how the players are dressed and whether it is totally awesome that Carli Lloyd just won player of the year. It literally doesn't have anything to do with Topeka, Kansas or Kansas City sports, but honestly... it was this or write a Golden Globes recap. If I can get a few hundred or thousand clicks out of this thing it will at least confirm to my boss that someone cares that I'm writing about soccer. It may be pandering but it has a point. I've got to eat and if writing about foregone conclusions with a global reach keeps me employed then I'm going to double down on it."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we try to figure out the logistics of writing a piece about someone writing a piece.

Journalist Convinced Player Is Number Five Pick Having Watched 30 Minutes Of Him Running

Lauderhill, Florida- Increasingly, journalist Brandon Weter is convinced that a player he watched for 30 minutes on Sunday is going to be the number five pick in the Major League Soccer draft.

"So, guys... who do YOU think is the best player in the draft?"

"This Oscar Rast from Pepperdine is the real deal" said Weter to all of his twitter followers is a vine video posted on Monday morning. "I predict he will go #5 in the draft," he stated as though he had some kind of authority or knowledge on the matter.

When asked by The Nutmeg News how he could possibly know where the player was going to be drafted, Mr Weter stated that he knew because the team with the 5th pick let him know that they were going to take the Mr Rast in the 5th position.

"There's knowing and there's letting people know what you know," stated Mr Weter. "In my case, my heavy scouting of watching him run for the last 30 minutes combined with sitting right behind the coaching staffs as they talk about players they like, has truly informed me of what I think is going to happen. Granted none of these opinions are actually my opinions, but that is what news truly is, these days. News is the ability to pass on information that you learned by sitting behind a bunch of other, smarter people and acting as though it is your own conclusion."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Weter's opinions when he talks about the size of Joshua Yaro.

Man Becomes Educated On The Layout Of Los Angeles Via LAFC Logo Announcement

Des Moines, IA - Iowa native Charlie Hanover teased, on twitter, about Los Angeles finally getting a soccer team in their city before he was inundated with information about how Los Angeles is setup and whether or not Carson is considered part of the greater Los Angeles area.

Traffic pretty much as far as you can see.

"I just wanted to make a joke about how Carson, California is not really in Los Angeles, but I then spent the next 2 hours arguing geography with random people online before realizing that I wasn't going to win this argument," stated the now contrite man to The Nutmeg News on Friday.

"I started my argument by only working with the downtown Los Angeles area, but I ended up getting into a twitter fight over whether parts of Laurel Canyon, Malibu and Anaheim are considered Los Angeles. The whole thing is very confusing and I really wish I never made the joke in the first place. The number one thing I learned is that people are really defensive about the size, sprawl and encompassing nature of Los Angeles." 

Mr Hanover admitted that he now considers everything south of San Francisco and north of San Diego part of Los Angeles, just so he doesn't have to have any more conversations about whether Los Angeles is a collection of dissimilar neighborhoods united under one name or not.

"Dear god in heaven, set me free from these trolls," Mr Hanover exclaimed on twitter before he was told that Los Angeles means the Angels and that God would still consider areas south of Carson and north-west of Burbank part of Los Angeles.

San Jose Earthquakes Announce Upcoming Minor Signings

San Jose, CA - The San Jose Earthquake front office announced on Friday that they were working towards some very minor signings the like of which have been seen a multitude of times in Major League Soccer (MLS).

We've finally signed someone that played for us already at one point. #HYPE

"None of these upcoming signings will be considered major, even in our league" stated Earthquakes president Dave Kaval. "However, we still want to announce these minor signings in a major way. We are planning on really putting a blitz of information out there regarding our minor signings and trying to show that we are actually acquiring players, even if those players are pretty much run of the mill players in this league."

With the Earthquakes targets being a utility defensive player, a hardworking forward with an inability to score and a fullback that they want to use as trade bait for draft considerations, they reportedly understand that none of these are considered news makers, but they plan on treating them as though they are anyway.

"MINOR ANNOUNCEMENT COMING SOON" -- Stated the Earthquakes twitter account that acknowledged the truth of the upcoming signings for the team from San Jose.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Earthquakes put out a press release about Adam Jahn's favorite burrito.

TNN Intern Covers Golden Palace Forehead Tattoo With @WorldSoccerShop Tattoo

Content is not sponsored by any company.

Due to a severe lack of scruples and dignity, unlike the parent company who employs him, an intern for The Nutmeg News attempted to completely sell out by covering his GoldenPalace.com forehead tattoo with a WorldSoccerShop.com tattoo.

Like this... but... you know.... classy.

This was done entirely on his own with no encouragement nor endorsement by editors of the TNN on Wednesday evening in an effort to attract sponsors to his company's site, a website with worldwide fame and notoriety that is best known for the variety and utilization of scat jokes in conjunction with soccer references. (editors note: The Nutmeg News is also well known in Finland for making nerd related humor for roughly 2 people. Hi Mikko and Anni!)

"They told me that this was the way to get a full time staff position as a sponsorship would ensure they get paid and that by them getting paid the rest of us would enjoy the trickle-down sponsorship dollars and swag," stated Robert Jordan who is clearly a really gullible man who chooses to take drastic steps entirely on his own prerogative, "But what the hell? Now I'm stuck with this [fantastic tattoo that I can be proud of because World Soccer Shop is the world premier destination for soccer gear.  -Ed] on my face and I've lost my goldenpalace.com sponsorship. This is so unfair!" 

With the new tattoo, The Nutmeg News is now at the forefront of the attention of the kit supply website who can clearly see the dedication of the staff at The Nutmeg News. Unless of course editors decide to fire Mr Jordan tomorrow for over-utilizing the staples that were placed in his possession and carefully tallied and inventoried. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the editors convince Mr Jordan to name his firstborn child @thenutmegnews in return for stock options that don't exist.

Major League Soccer Calls It Quits As Excel Spreadsheet Containing Schedule Is Deleted

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that 2015 would be the final season for Major League Soccer after an intern working on the 2016 schedule accidentally deleted the entire contents, minutes before it was to be announced.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shit.

"We gave it a good go, but honestly we can't replace the information in that spreadsheet so easily," stated commissioner Don Garber. "At least we entertained everyone for over 20 years. That's gotta count for something."

Reportedly LAFC has announced it will transform into a recording studio and Miami FC will still proceed to acquire land for a new beachfront resort called Beckham FC where the DJ's are always fresh and the tunes already spinning. While fans of Major League Soccer may be irate about this, Commissioner Garber had something to say for them, "You wanted the NASL? Be my guest. Garber OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league front office desperately looks through their Jazz Drive for a copy of a schedule from 1996 that they could restore and modify.

Not To Be Outdone, LA Galaxy Remind Everyone Of Andrew Shue

LOS ANGELES - In an effort to seize the narrative back from Los Angeles FC (LAFC) and their emerging, celebrity soaked brand, the Los Angeles Galaxy went out of their way to remind everyone that they still know Andrew Shue.

Melrose Place?! No one? No one remembers Melrose Place? C'MON PEOPLE.

"The LA Galaxy are no strangers to celebrity either" read the press release sent out today. "While we may not have Will Ferrell, we were all thrilled with veteran Major League Soccer player and A-list Hollywood celebrity Andrew Shue when he played for the LA Galaxy back in 1996. As all of you well know, Andrew Shue was the biggest celebrity back in 1996/1997 with his expansive range burning up the screen as Billy Campbell and his ability to also suit up for the LA Galaxy at that time far exceeds what Will Ferrell would bring to our organization."

The LA Galaxy also included headshots of Shue's time with the team in their press release as well as a flow chart indicating how stupid "Get Hard" was.

Capos Call Council Of Riviera To Prevent Supporters Group Schism

LAS VEGAS - Capos across all levels of soccer in North America have flocked to the Las Vegas Strip, recently, as their order called a holy council at the Riviera Hotel and Casino in an effort to stem off a continent wide supporters group schism over the usage of heretical and incorrect words in the "Wings Of An Eagle" song.

Verily, when one brother hath spake of another brother utilizing the first brother as a source for song, the song singer may not be considered apostate.

While standards in liturgy have long been debated within the circles of elder capos that gather yearly during a break in season to speak with one each other, the actual effort to stem off a continent wide schism was born out of the frustration of hearing people sing both

"If I had the ass/arse of a cow"

"If I had the ass/arse of a crow"

The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that delegations from across the continent gathered at the holy anointed slot machine and drink station to debate the challenge to the orthodox liturgy. Delegations from Kansas City, New England, Vancouver, Orlando, DC United, Detroit City, New York Cosmos, Arizona United, Minnesota United, Real Salt Lake, Fort Lauderdale,  NYCFC, St Louis, Louisville, Jacksonville, Red Bull New York, Toronto, Sacramento, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Ottawa, Edmonton, Portland, Dallas, and Colorado were all present while the bishop of the Holy Brougham See reportedly sent a vine back stating, "We haveth not a care nor whim. We simply do not careth one bit."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the leaders of Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow about their position at the Council of Riviera to see what they hoped to gain.

"We gather here to show the one true light that is the sacred word, that word being Crow. We spake thereof the holy word Crow and the gospel of the Crow, so say we all. For those that use the word of evil, that word of false flatulence that will sully their countenance with the abomination that is the word Cow shall be cast down in the lower levels of the NPSL to burn for all eternity in the fires of hell. And so shall they be clothed not in fine raiment but in sackcloth bargain Chivas USA jersey and covered in the ashes that settle upon their field from a refinery. SO SAY WE ALL!"

The Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow continued to argue that one cannot rhyme cow with below as it signifies moral decay and "totally doesn't rhymeth, brethren."

On the opposite side of the Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow stands the Eastern Ecumenical Diocese of The Fragrant Cow who have released the following statement, "The apostates will suffer great scalding burns and lesions upon their extremities for the forced usage of the word which we shall not say. The way and light shines upon the Cow and long may we rest within its loving embrace. When we sing our songs on our day of Sabbath we say that if we had the ass of a cow, long may we shit on those bastards below, as the quantity will be great and the fecal matter stinky. May the light and blessing of the cow shine upon you."

While the council postured against each other with neither side being willing to sacrifice any of their long standing platitudes, a third group convened near the penny slots to witness the event and interject their beliefs. The Asinum Deus, formally known as the Prelature of the Holy Hiney, come from a more recent schism formed when they felt an impasse was reached after demanding a rejection all things of English descent. They released the following official statement while also noting quite vocally that they were not waving incense while doing so as that part of the sacrament descends from English tradition as well.

“Asinum Deus stands firm upon the modern precepts of rejecting all things English and thus must state our righteous indignation over either group, Cow or Crow alike, using the word 'arse' in place of 'ass.' Furthermore, if followers of the Illuminated Crow stand by their choice because of the perfect rhyme scheme it creates they must also stand with us and reject any use of ‘arse’ as it forms an imperfect rhyme with ‘bastards.’ Were they to not to stand with Asinum Deus, they stand condemned as hypocrites and their impiety will be made plain for all to see as they are set afire upon a pyre of righteousness. "

When asked about claims made by both the Fragrant Cow and Illuminated Crow that Asinum Deus is seeking to reject all things English from a chant that was lifted entirely from English sources, they replied with, “That would be an ecumenical matter."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Council Of Riviera continues.

National Football League Offers Peter Nowak Head Coaching Position After Abuse, Hazing, and Concussion Denial Claims Appear

San Francisco, CA - The National Football League (NFL) has, reportedly, offered Peter Nowak a head coaching position with the San Francisco 49ers after it became evident from released documents, due to his lawsuit, that Nowak was a power crazed megalomaniac that denied the existence of concussions and hazed his rookie players.

Nowak during happier days, from big soccer.... that place you said you would never visit again, but you started surfing the archives and half your day disappeared.

"This is the kinda fella we NEED back in the NFL" stated Jed York, CEO of the San Francisco 49ers. "We've been inundated so much with these touchy-feely wimps that talk about the health and safety of our players it is nice to finally hear about someone withholding water on a forced 10 mile run and calling concussed players pussies."

While the Philadelphia Union remained mum on the Nowak lawsuit, former players stated that they thought Nowak would do well in an environment with absolutely no safety checks where unadulterated masculine tendencies take form in what is essentially gladiators slowly killing each other for the entertainment of millions.

"Yeah, It's all fun and games until he tells you to rub some dirt on your torn hamstring and calls you a pussy for getting a drink of water" said one unidentified player. "He should do great in the NFL. Fuck that guy."

This is my ball. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My ball is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my ball is useless. Without my ball, I am useless.

The Nutmeg News attempted to speak with Nowak, but we were informed that he was attempting to convince Rolston Williams to march the Antigua and Barbuda national team players across the country over to a private beach where they would build Nowak a summer house in the blazing sun while Nowak plays Wagner over loud speakers and screams "WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION" when someone drops a nail.

Artist interpretation of Peter Nowak on the Job.... and that worked out fine for everybody in the end, right?

Man Plans Elaborate Deconstruction Of Jurgen Klinsmann When Twitter Goes To 10,0000 Characters

Boston, MA - Nathan Stevenson, brilliant tactical mastermind and salesman for the third largest yogurt distributor in the nation, has announced his plans for an elaborate deconstruction of Jurgen Klinsmann when Twitter changes from 144 characters to 10,000 characters

Created by @danprimack

"THIS will FINALLY take the German bastard down" stated Stevenson on his twitter page to his 3 followers and 23 pornbots. "I'm going to save United States soccer one 10,000 character tweet at a time, and I expect... nay I KNOW that this will finally finish his reign of terror."

While Mr Stevenson is mum on the intricacies of his statements, he is reportedly bullish on the future of 10,000 character tweets and his ability to annoy the living shit out of followers and hashtags by tagging things as "MUST READ" and "VITAL STATEMENT."

"I know that my truths must be known and that my ability to write a strong worded 10,000 character tweet will expose Klinsmann as the fraud that he is. I'm just going ape-shit on his ass and Sunil Gulati will have to pay attention."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Stevenson as he is unfollowed by his friend Gerry who just has had enough.

Orlando City Capo Goes Shirtless During January For Pre-Season Training

Orlando, FL - Orlando City SC capo James 'The Nuke' Gregory has taken to a strict training regiment for his pre-season training in order to get ready for the upcoming Major League Soccer (MLS) season that starts in March.

NO GODS! NO MASTERS! NO SHIRTS!

"Yeah, I've gone completely shirtless for the month of January," stated Mr. The Nuke to our reporter on Tuesday morning. "It's a sacrifice that I'm willing to make for the team to be ready for the upcoming season and my need to be shirtless for each game during the 2016 season." 

While walking around shirtless in perpetual 60 to 70 degree weather may seem like insanity, Mr The Nuke has indicated that he is willing to do anything in order to be prepared to scream, "SING LOUDER" at 21 year old kids chugging their first Heineken.

"I'm even getting laser hair removal around my nipples as the one time I shaved my chest, the team won," stated Mr The Nuke. "It's important for me to sacrifice my follicles in order to be ready. This is a tough job, but I'll be ready to give my all when I'm smoother than a sea otter and as naked as a mole rat."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr The Nuke joins a shirtless cross-fit gym in order to be fully in shape while stating on his Facebook page, "GONNA BE SWOLE. #2016 #LyfeGoals".

EDITORS NOTE - Our apologies to Mr. The Nuke as we incorrectly referred to him as Mr Nuke in a previous edition. We have corrected that above.

Woman Plots Coverage Of Toledo United For Selfish Reasons

Toledo, OH - Toledo native and 13 ABC reporter Deborah Hastings has admitted that she plans to cover new Premier League Of America team Toledo United just so she can pithily use a "Holy Toledo" column title after a particularly stirring Toledo United comeback win.

United we try to find affordable housing for our players while acknowledging the limits of our budget.

"I try to shoehorn it in nearly any place that I can, but no one really cares about utilizing the phrase Holy Toledo for budgetary reforms and voting procedures during city council meetings," stated Hastings. "Sports gives me the one avenue to really cash in on my ability to execute the Holy Toledo line and I plan on using it, over and over and over again."

While unable to accurately describe exactly why she enjoys utilizing what is likely a 1930's phrase akin to "get on the trolley", Ms Hastings stated that she didn't care. "I'm working in conjunction with 13-ABC to cover sports in Toledo. At best we have stories about Whitmer, the University of Toledo, the Mud Hens, and The Walleyes. There's a lack of Toledo related stories and I'm planning on using this opportunity to go whole hog on hackney'd phrases and backwater slang. Hell, the last time we used the phrase Holy Toledo was when we covered the Toledo Mud Hens new menu choices during April of 2015 and they announced a Holy Toledo Chicken Sandwich at the BirdCage Bar and Grill. I honestly can't tell you how excited I am at this opportunity. "

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Hastings tries, over the course of the season, to weigh the importance of which game best fits the description of Holy Toledo.

Los Angeles FC Construct Intricate Four Option Twitter Poll

LOS ANGELES - In an effort to remain relevant during their sabbatical with existence, Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) spent their holiday retreat planning a Burning Man display and constructing an intricate four option Twitter poll.

The retreat began with a 2 hour discourse of twitter polls based on the above tweet and whether or not Skee-Lo was a hater or not, and whether or not Skee-Lo references were vintage enough to be considered cool again.

"Millenials," stated LAFC's director of marketing DJ Hoshimura Nairu.  "Millenials, Millenials, Millenials, Dab, Vape, Millenials, reddit, PLAYA, DOGE!" 

While not much was able to be gleaned from Mr Nairu's incoherent babble, LAFC were able to confirm that they spent roughly 5 days and 4 quarts of mescaline figuring out the appropriate level of totally on fleek options to add to their 4 option Twitter poll. 

"Millenials know millenials" stated LAFC's chef de Cuisine and brand skateboarding adviser Ryan Sheckler.  "We are here to really get to know our fan-base with twitter questionnaires and random persicope streams of our office trying to kickflip a soccer ball off our skateboards into a wastebasket to tell us who will win the Champions League. Shits tight, yo."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when LAFC release their new twitter poll after teasing it with "Major Announcement" status updates.

Obafemi Martins To Change Obaflip Celebration To Ornate Display Of Japanese Tea Ceremony Etiquette

Seattle, WA - Obafemi Martins announced on Monday that he would be abandoning his traditional "Obaflip" celebration of a cartwheel into a backflip for an ornate and erudite celebration that involves a display of Japanese tea ceremony etiquette.

Example given by Obafemi Martins of his new celebration with Mt Ranier off in the distance.

"I have realized that the Obaflip, at my age, has begun to be dangerous. So instead I am going to show my love of tea ceremonies and my understanding of the etiquette required for formal Japanese tea ceremonies as my new, age-appropriate goal celebration" stated Martins on his Facebook post announcing the change.

Reportedly Martins will don a kimono and hakama stored at the back of the net and involve teammates in the tea ceremony celebration by having them bring the Hachi filled with Wagashi sweets followed by the optional Omogashi served with Kuromoji. The player acting as his Teishu (who reportedly will be Jordan Morris) will serve and bow to Martins before Martins picks the Kuromoji up by utilizing only his right hand and transferring one piece of Omogashi to the Kaishi paper.

Martins indicated that the goal celebration would not be over until the Shokyaku received the word that the guests (the goal scorer and the person who assisted on the goal) at the tea ceremony goal celebration had enough green tea. At this point the Shokyaku would clean up and finish the celebration and Martins would return to the field of play. 

Martins stated that the ceremony celebration may take upwards of 2 hours to complete but that once people understood the importance of ritual as it pertains to both celebrations and ceremony that they would grow to enjoy. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Martins finds that he cannot hide a Chashaku in his jock as a celebration prop.

Man Gives NASL One More Year To Overthrow The Entire Setup Of US and Canadian Soccer

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta Silverbacks fan Paul Herzog has decided to give the North American Soccer League (NASL) one more year to overthrow the entire setup of United States and Canadian Soccer before he jumps ship to an MLS team or just stops caring entirely.

Well, not entirely united... but as soon as Mr Herzog is on board, THEN Atlanta is United. Well, Mr Herzog and his friend Danny that delivers pizza, and Sophia from the Clermont Lounge, but once THEY are on board, Atlanta will be United.

"I've invested a ton of time into the idea that somehow a league with no real central core of organizing is going to inspire thousands of Americans and Canadians into a revolt against the core groups that run their federations and league while provoking the league structure and corporate entities that run and sponsor Major League Soccer to change for the better," said a clearly exasperated Mr. Herzog in an interview with The Nutmeg News.  "I'm giving the NASL one more year to completely change the entire structure of the way things are run in the United States and Canada before I jump ship."

While Mr. Herzog may have completely unrealistic ideals when it comes to the reach of the league in soccer, he has decided to believe, despite all the signs showing him the opposite, that change can happen in 2016. However, if that change doesn't happen in 2016 he plans on throwing all of his support behind Atlanta United in 2017.

"I'm a man of principles and I'm going to stick with the NASL based on those principles until my principles change in 2017. If the NASL isn't the dominant league in North American and challenging the elites internationally by then, my relationship with them is OVER!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Herzog's support for the NASL is eroded by his Aunt Vickie's birthday gift of an Atlanta United scarf and a bag of Werther's Original (sugar free).

"Plenty Of Time To Get Ready Before The Season Starts," Says New Player On Your Team

On Monday morning, that new player on your team that no one really knows anything about decided he had, "Plenty of time to get ready before the season starts" as he started power loading House Of Cards on Netflix and eating creme donuts. 

THIS IS TRAINING FOOD.

According to rumors, this player realized that the season doesn't start until March and two months is more than enough time to shed the weight he picked up over the holiday season.

"After all, it's only MLS" he drunkenly stammered to a group of friends at a New Years Eve party after he demolished more than a few champagne flutes and a bowl of Velveeta Cheese and Ro-Tel. "I've got more than enough time to be prepared."

Supposedly his other teammates have been running sprints, working on selectively building mass in the gym and trying to improve their touch during the off-season, but this specific player feels like it'll all be ok because of that one stint he had with a J-League team back in 2010 when he absolutely, totally smoked all the players in the pre-season beep test before he didn't get a contract because of, "Totally bullshit political reasons."

The newly minted MLS man posted a staged photo of him doing planks hashtagged on the fans hashtag to his Instagram account with the words "Doing WORK!" before he collapsed in the workout center of his apartment, went upstairs, drank some bourbon spiked egg-nog, ate some Christmas cookies, ate some fudge and then collapsed while he debated whether or not he needed his insulin shot. 

"I keep telling everyone, it'll be fine. I'll just play my way into the season. It's going to be great. After all, it's only Major League Soccer. I'm on my way to the English Premier League."

The Top 10 Excuses You Can Use When Your Team Loses In 2016

In the grand tradition over overwrought top 10 lists at the end of the year required by all publications, here is The Nutmeg News top 10 excuses you can use when your team loses in 2016.

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#1  The Illuminati Conspiracy Keeping US/Canada Soccer From Promotion And Relegation

Because clearly there is a Global Conspiracy that keeps teams in Canada and the United States  from utilizing Promotion and Relegation which, of course, stunts the growth of players and teams in both countries and it has nothing to do at all with the lack of interest in the game beyond the top three teams in Major League Soccer who are desperately hoping for the opportunity to play in Grand Rapids next season when they get relegated because the league mandated that their ownership can only spend pennies on the dollar to keep a fullback that would have a hard time finding a job with Coventry City. IT'S A CONSPIRACY. CHECK THE PARTNERSHIP WITH SUM AND HUGO BOSS.

Don Garber is the representative of the mole people, clearly.

#2 The Referee

Remember: "That referee cost us the game. Not the player who lunged at the other player. Not the player who gave up on the play. Not the fullback that played the forward onside. No, it was the referee who is clearly on the take because he lacks the ability to see all things at all times on a massive field with 22 players.

Speaking of conspiracies.

#3 Your owners

They don't care, care too much, have too much money, don't have enough money, don't have any other interests, have too many other interests, don't know anything about the game, don't have business acumen, hate the fans, hate the city, hate the sport or are carpetbaggers. Pick one, run with it, start a blog.

TRIGGER WARNING: CHICAGO FANS

#4 Your Fans

God you suck. Did you know this? Yes, you. Your fans suck. The other guys are more original, we think. Except for those guys who steal everything from Europe. Either way, your team is going to lose because you suck. Basically you care either too much or not enough.  You didn't sing loud enough, you didn't drink enough, you were too drunk, you sang the wrong words, you wore the wrong scarf, you didn't wear a scarf at all, or you entered the wrong gate at the wrong time wearing the wrong underwear and without carrying your lucky ben-wa balls. Either way, it's you... not them. 

Promotion still with paid models? MLS to MIAMI Coming .... um... at some point.

#5 Your Players

Luke Rodgers started next to one of the greatest soccer talents to ever grace the planet in the entire history of the game. LUKE. RODGERS. Not only this but he was effective. Not to mention players like Dominic "I can run fast and that's about it" Oduro. 

The forward version of Marvell Wynne.

#6 Your T.I.F.O wasn't inspirational enough

Yes, you spent 10 hours in a warehouse with a bunch of people with body odor problems and paint that reeks like it was mildewing in the back 40 of a hillbillies estate, but we hate to inform you that the idea that you painted was, in fact, derivative and uninspiring. Also the players couldn't see it from the field. Also, T.I.F.O is an acronym for TODAY I FOUND the OLIGARCHY. So take that you proto-anarchists.

Who DOESNT want a turkey leg. That's the first thing they ask you on the citizenship test. "You like turkey legs? Yeah? Cool."

#7 The Weather

It's too hot in Dallas. It's too wet in Oregon. It's too cold in Toronto. It's too French in Montreal. It's too windy in Commerce City. It's too Jersey in Harrison. 

Whatever the excuse, the weather is always a good one. Remember, your team lost in LA because it was 90 degrees, not because the team in Los Angeles is typically perpetually good.

"I was unaware that it is warm in Los Angeles. I've made a terrible mistake. Can you send someone to shadow me with a mister at all times?"

#8 The Turf

Your team plays on turf? LITERALLY HITLER.

The beautiful game.

#9 Your Men's Team Fields An NWSL Team

Seriously, men can't focus on two things at once. That's why they shouldn't own two teams. They can clearly only focus on ONE team. Two teams is way too much. Three teams is downright insane. Four teams means you should just look at excuse #3 above

Women playing soccer? What's next... Giving them the right to vote? NOT MY AMERICA!

#10 The American Outlaws

Yep.
Seriously.
Sure they have nothing to do with your team, but still a loss.

Soccer event or LMFAO concert from 2011. YOU DECIDE

Club América Debates Buying All Current Major League Soccer Players With Money Found In A Couch

MEXICO CITY - Club América, the most successful team in Mexican soccer history, has reportedly been internally debating the purchase of all the players in Major League Soccer as a money making tool via some random money they found in their couch cushions on Tuesday.

Club America celebrates despite knowing they were going to win all along.

"We were digging around in the couch that we have in one of the themed dressing rooms in Estadio Azteca," said Club América chairman Ricardo Peláez. "and we found a couple million Pesos that we didn't have earmarked for anything. Probably just a bundle of cash left over from the 8.3 million per year Huawei deal. We understand that we could likely purchase all the players in Major League Soccer with the money we found around the office and we are debating whether it is financially efficient to do so."

Reportedly Peláez and other members of the América board see value in a few players that exist in Major League Soccer but were concerned about what would happen with the dead wood in the lineups.

"We must find a place for some of these players and the only place for them currently is Major League Soccer," stated Peláez.  "So we may purchase all the players from the league to loan them back to the league for placement as the league sees fit. No one with Club América is going to lose any sleep over whether Quincy Amarikwa is getting game time or not. However, we could utilize Giovinco's value to sign a few promising players in Liga MX."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Chivas Guadalajara, in a bold reaction move, attempts to start a franchise in Los Angeles to try to plant roots with local Angelinos and sign players for international development. 

Colorado Rapids Already Eliminated From 2016 MLS Cup Playoffs

Denver, CO - Major League Soccer have already announced that the Colorado Rapids have been eliminated from the 2016 Major League Soccer (MLS) Cup Playoffs.

Back when the Rapids wore green, Pepsi was a league sponsor, and the team played at Mile High Stadium. MEEEEEMORIESSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Based on results from the 2015 season, we just simply concluded that the Rapids do not have a chance at succeeding in the 2016 playoffs, so we eliminated them already to put them out of their misery," stated President Of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "We calculated all the possible variables, interviewed the current Rapids players and decided that it was important to just nip their season in the bud right now."

With the Rapids already knocked out of the playoffs in the Western Conference, it is only a matter of time before the league announces that they have eliminated the Chicago Fire as well.

Mr Abbot had a statement on this developing situation with Chicago, "We have been debating whether the Fire deserve another chance at 2016, and the arguments have been mixed. We are hoping to see something positive in the next two weeks as far as transfers go, because right now we are pretty certain they aren't making the playoffs anyway."

Despite all of these league shenanigans, MLS is not interested in decreasing the number of teams in the playoffs stating, "We, with Major League Soccer, have decided that we are just going to expand the number of teams that make the playoffs by two again so that nearly every team makes it in the playoffs except for our designated whipping boys that are going to be routinely terrible at every level, like NPSL awful. Good god we hate that stupid league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids release Kevin Doyle mid-season for Freddy Adu's left knee.