LAS VEGAS - Capos across all levels of soccer in North America have flocked to the Las Vegas Strip, recently, as their order called a holy council at the Riviera Hotel and Casino in an effort to stem off a continent wide supporters group schism over the usage of heretical and incorrect words in the "Wings Of An Eagle" song.
While standards in liturgy have long been debated within the circles of elder capos that gather yearly during a break in season to speak with one each other, the actual effort to stem off a continent wide schism was born out of the frustration of hearing people sing both
"If I had the ass/arse of a cow"
"If I had the ass/arse of a crow"
The Nutmeg News was able to confirm that delegations from across the continent gathered at the holy anointed slot machine and drink station to debate the challenge to the orthodox liturgy. Delegations from Kansas City, New England, Vancouver, Orlando, DC United, Detroit City, New York Cosmos, Arizona United, Minnesota United, Real Salt Lake, Fort Lauderdale, NYCFC, St Louis, Louisville, Jacksonville, Red Bull New York, Toronto, Sacramento, Tulsa, Oklahoma City, Ottawa, Edmonton, Portland, Dallas, and Colorado were all present while the bishop of the Holy Brougham See reportedly sent a vine back stating, "We haveth not a care nor whim. We simply do not careth one bit."
The Nutmeg News spoke to the leaders of Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow about their position at the Council of Riviera to see what they hoped to gain.
"We gather here to show the one true light that is the sacred word, that word being Crow. We spake thereof the holy word Crow and the gospel of the Crow, so say we all. For those that use the word of evil, that word of false flatulence that will sully their countenance with the abomination that is the word Cow shall be cast down in the lower levels of the NPSL to burn for all eternity in the fires of hell. And so shall they be clothed not in fine raiment but in sackcloth bargain Chivas USA jersey and covered in the ashes that settle upon their field from a refinery. SO SAY WE ALL!"
The Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow continued to argue that one cannot rhyme cow with below as it signifies moral decay and "totally doesn't rhymeth, brethren."
On the opposite side of the Western Orthodox Order of the Illuminated Crow stands the Eastern Ecumenical Diocese of The Fragrant Cow who have released the following statement, "The apostates will suffer great scalding burns and lesions upon their extremities for the forced usage of the word which we shall not say. The way and light shines upon the Cow and long may we rest within its loving embrace. When we sing our songs on our day of Sabbath we say that if we had the ass of a cow, long may we shit on those bastards below, as the quantity will be great and the fecal matter stinky. May the light and blessing of the cow shine upon you."
While the council postured against each other with neither side being willing to sacrifice any of their long standing platitudes, a third group convened near the penny slots to witness the event and interject their beliefs. The Asinum Deus, formally known as the Prelature of the Holy Hiney, come from a more recent schism formed when they felt an impasse was reached after demanding a rejection all things of English descent. They released the following official statement while also noting quite vocally that they were not waving incense while doing so as that part of the sacrament descends from English tradition as well.
“Asinum Deus stands firm upon the modern precepts of rejecting all things English and thus must state our righteous indignation over either group, Cow or Crow alike, using the word 'arse' in place of 'ass.' Furthermore, if followers of the Illuminated Crow stand by their choice because of the perfect rhyme scheme it creates they must also stand with us and reject any use of ‘arse’ as it forms an imperfect rhyme with ‘bastards.’ Were they to not to stand with Asinum Deus, they stand condemned as hypocrites and their impiety will be made plain for all to see as they are set afire upon a pyre of righteousness. "
When asked about claims made by both the Fragrant Cow and Illuminated Crow that Asinum Deus is seeking to reject all things English from a chant that was lifted entirely from English sources, they replied with, “That would be an ecumenical matter."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Council Of Riviera continues.