The Top 10 Excuses You Can Use When Your Team Loses In 2016

In the grand tradition over overwrought top 10 lists at the end of the year required by all publications, here is The Nutmeg News top 10 excuses you can use when your team loses in 2016.

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#1  The Illuminati Conspiracy Keeping US/Canada Soccer From Promotion And Relegation

Because clearly there is a Global Conspiracy that keeps teams in Canada and the United States  from utilizing Promotion and Relegation which, of course, stunts the growth of players and teams in both countries and it has nothing to do at all with the lack of interest in the game beyond the top three teams in Major League Soccer who are desperately hoping for the opportunity to play in Grand Rapids next season when they get relegated because the league mandated that their ownership can only spend pennies on the dollar to keep a fullback that would have a hard time finding a job with Coventry City. IT'S A CONSPIRACY. CHECK THE PARTNERSHIP WITH SUM AND HUGO BOSS.

 Don Garber is the representative of the mole people, clearly.

Don Garber is the representative of the mole people, clearly.

#2 The Referee

Remember: "That referee cost us the game. Not the player who lunged at the other player. Not the player who gave up on the play. Not the fullback that played the forward onside. No, it was the referee who is clearly on the take because he lacks the ability to see all things at all times on a massive field with 22 players.

 Speaking of conspiracies.

Speaking of conspiracies.

#3 Your owners

They don't care, care too much, have too much money, don't have enough money, don't have any other interests, have too many other interests, don't know anything about the game, don't have business acumen, hate the fans, hate the city, hate the sport or are carpetbaggers. Pick one, run with it, start a blog.

 TRIGGER WARNING: CHICAGO FANS

TRIGGER WARNING: CHICAGO FANS

#4 Your Fans

God you suck. Did you know this? Yes, you. Your fans suck. The other guys are more original, we think. Except for those guys who steal everything from Europe. Either way, your team is going to lose because you suck. Basically you care either too much or not enough.  You didn't sing loud enough, you didn't drink enough, you were too drunk, you sang the wrong words, you wore the wrong scarf, you didn't wear a scarf at all, or you entered the wrong gate at the wrong time wearing the wrong underwear and without carrying your lucky ben-wa balls. Either way, it's you... not them. 

 Promotion still with paid models? MLS to MIAMI Coming .... um... at some point.

Promotion still with paid models? MLS to MIAMI Coming .... um... at some point.

#5 Your Players

Luke Rodgers started next to one of the greatest soccer talents to ever grace the planet in the entire history of the game. LUKE. RODGERS. Not only this but he was effective. Not to mention players like Dominic "I can run fast and that's about it" Oduro. 

 The forward version of Marvell Wynne.

The forward version of Marvell Wynne.

#6 Your T.I.F.O wasn't inspirational enough

Yes, you spent 10 hours in a warehouse with a bunch of people with body odor problems and paint that reeks like it was mildewing in the back 40 of a hillbillies estate, but we hate to inform you that the idea that you painted was, in fact, derivative and uninspiring. Also the players couldn't see it from the field. Also, T.I.F.O is an acronym for TODAY I FOUND the OLIGARCHY. So take that you proto-anarchists.

 Who DOESNT want a turkey leg. That's the first thing they ask you on the citizenship test. "You like turkey legs? Yeah? Cool."

Who DOESNT want a turkey leg. That's the first thing they ask you on the citizenship test. "You like turkey legs? Yeah? Cool."

#7 The Weather

It's too hot in Dallas. It's too wet in Oregon. It's too cold in Toronto. It's too French in Montreal. It's too windy in Commerce City. It's too Jersey in Harrison. 

Whatever the excuse, the weather is always a good one. Remember, your team lost in LA because it was 90 degrees, not because the team in Los Angeles is typically perpetually good.

 "I was unaware that it is warm in Los Angeles. I've made a terrible mistake. Can you send someone to shadow me with a mister at all times?"

"I was unaware that it is warm in Los Angeles. I've made a terrible mistake. Can you send someone to shadow me with a mister at all times?"

#8 The Turf

Your team plays on turf? LITERALLY HITLER.

 The beautiful game.

The beautiful game.

#9 Your Men's Team Fields An NWSL Team

Seriously, men can't focus on two things at once. That's why they shouldn't own two teams. They can clearly only focus on ONE team. Two teams is way too much. Three teams is downright insane. Four teams means you should just look at excuse #3 above

 Women playing soccer? What's next... Giving them the right to vote? NOT MY AMERICA!

Women playing soccer? What's next... Giving them the right to vote? NOT MY AMERICA!

#10 The American Outlaws

Yep.
Seriously.
Sure they have nothing to do with your team, but still a loss.

 Soccer event or LMFAO concert from 2011. YOU DECIDE

Soccer event or LMFAO concert from 2011. YOU DECIDE