Person With Zero Influence Has Fool Proof Plan To Remove Jurgen Klinsmann As Coach

INTERNET - Reddit user TwerkLongHours recently stated, on the social media site subgroup R/MLS, that they have a fool proof way to remove Jurgen Klinsmann as manager of the United States National Team.

"Straaaaaaaaaaangers in the night........exchanging glancesWond'ring in the night....... what were the chancesWe'd be sharing love before the night was through"

"Straaaaaaaaaaangers in the night........exchanging glances
Wond'ring in the night....... what were the chances
We'd be sharing love before the night was through"

"C'mon Bros! We can do this!" the post stated indicating a faint soupçon of the milieu of the North American Bro that includes tremendous fortitude and the pulsing nature of wild untapped potential. "Like, we need like a petition or a plane or something" continued the post showing that indeed these bros did have a plan worth following.

The responses varied from the sarcastic to the disrespectful but un-phased, TwerkLongHours continued on their quixotic quest to rile up the user base of Reddit into a frenzy that would lead to the long awaited revolution, coaching change, and world cup win for the United States.

"He doesn't know what he is doing, like AT all," continued TwerkLongHours before logging onto Change.org in an attempt to get a petition started. "This will finally once and for all solve the problem. This with frequent and repetitive complaining online. He will be gone tomorrow!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as TwerkLongHours creates a Klinsmann parody Reddit account before it gets banned after one post.

 

 

 

Indiana Man Can Only Remember Three Of The Four MLS Playoff Teams

Jasper, IN - William (Billy) Connel admitted that he just honestly can't remember all the teams left in the MLS Playoffs.

I know it isn't Chicago, of that I'm pretty much certain.

I know it isn't Chicago, of that I'm pretty much certain.

Mr. Connel was called out by his friends as being a complete and utter moron after he trailed off mid conversation while stating, "Yeah with New York and... um.... Dallas and um.... P...Port...Land?" and then running away to get more beer and dip.

"I just can't remember, It was last month, I've been busy, I've been working, I've got things to do, I had to balance my check book, I've got some serious things to think about. At this point, I'm more concerned about my fantasy team and whether I can con my league into giving me bonus points for Cam Newton's lambada or whatever the hell that was." stated a clearly fucking stupid Mr Connel.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when he remembers that it is Orlando.

 

Nation United In Effort Of Continuing To Give Separate Soccer TV Ratings For Spanish And English

The nation of the United States of America announced their continuing effort at splitting the Spanish and English language television ratings for soccer to subtly indicate that Spanish language fans are not considered American enough to count as one rating with their English language counterparts.

Well, it may be separate but at least they are equally on the same graph, right?

Well, it may be separate but at least they are equally on the same graph, right?

"What we have here is an importance at continuing the institution of reporting the ratings like 150k Fox Sports 1 followed by nothing for a few hours on twitter and then someone will pipe up with 300k on Univision or wherever the hell those folks watch their soccer" said director of the Neilsen Media Research group Harold Stubens. "We ensure that when the ratings come out that they come out separately, otherwise what is the point of measuring statistics. Honestly, I blame you people out there, the American public, for not acknowledging that your friends and neighbors that watch the game in Spanish contribute as much to the popularity of the game in North America as your English speaking friends."

While some say this may just be incidental reporting for this situation, others blame the fact that many people in America speak Spanish and according to Little Rock, AR native Jimmy Holland, "They should learn to speak English so our MLS ratings will go up on FOX, otherwise soccer will never be big in this country. Who cares what they watch on that Univision? It's a big enough problem that I gotta watch it every once in a while when there is a game, and I'm hunting all over for that SAP button."  

Mr. Holland took a swig of Budweiser and continued, "We gotta be like that Trump fella and Make Soccer Great again so that I can turn to English language websites for English language ratings and watch games on English channels without having to figure out what they are saying. Let's make soccer great again like when we had L-DO jamming up them Mexicans in the Gold Cup and we was winning world cups left and right! MURICA!"

Reporter James Abraham of the Philadelphia Ambassador Daily News had the following to say, "It isn't that I don't care about Spanish language soccer ratings, it is that the Spanish language ratings aren't relevant to me. I talk English speaking soccer with English speaking people and I don't care what the Univision ratings are. As far as I know all Spanish speaking people love MLS and the World Cup, so getting them on board won't help television ratings at all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US bands together to protect its Neilsen ratings.

Anti-Refugee Loudmouth Buys Darlington Nagbe US Kit

Biloxi, MS - Anti-Refugee loudmouth and US Soccer fan David Kovalich has admitted that he recently purchased a Darlington Nagbe United States kit as Kovalich stated, "I think he is going to become my favorite new player on the team."

Are you sure he isn't here to implement Sharia law?

Are you sure he isn't here to implement Sharia law?

Kovalich was reportedly either unaware of the irony of this or just didn't care as he continued to state, "We can't let those filthy Islamic refugees into our country. They are here to destroy us from the inside and ruin our moral fiber" before fist pumping as he looked at Instagram pictures of Liberian refugee Nagbe and Polish-American Matt Miazga debuting for the United States national team.

"These guys are fine" said Kovalich. "It's the guys I don't like. Which are Muslims that look like the cartoons I imagine them as, with the blowing up of stuff and what not." 

Kovalich was also unaware of the long history of the United States and specifically the United States National Soccer team as a melting pot accepting all nationalities and all immigrants with the inclination and the wherewithal to play soccer including some that weren't even United States citizens like Joe Gaetjens. 

He definitely came over to infiltrate the United States with Hatian values.

He definitely came over to infiltrate the United States with Hatian values.

"I just want to build a wall to keep out all the non-nationals that are going to destroy our country with Islam" said Kovalich on his facebook page while simultaneously uploading a picture of his new Nagbe kit purchase. "They can just go back to their home countries, except Darlington. He can stay. All the rest of them can go back though. We need more All-American kids like Gyasi Zardes," said the moronic Kovalich who was unaware of the Ghanian heritage of Zardes and his family.

The Nutmeg News will have more coverage on this because there apparently will always exist "the fear" within people that allows them to condemn refugees and immigrants to live with death while simultaneously blaming them for all the ills of the world.

 

Just Like Suffering Erectile Dysfunction, Winning An MLS Cup Championship Only Strikes One In Four

Despite there only being one winner, fans of the four teams left in the MLS Cup playoffs somehow all think that their team is going to win defying the very nature of having a championship competition. The Nutmeg News spoke to MLS Statistician and lead Sociologist Dr. Mary Clerk about this phenomenon.

"I have researched the subject and there really can be only one winner of MLS Cup" said Dr Clerk to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "Clearly some of these fans are absolutely deluded about their chance at winning the final. This is much like Erectile Dysfunction. We know that it hits one in four men, but it seems that all men are so preoccupied with their penis that they lack the ability to understand that it is only affecting their neighbor Claude."

If playoffs last more than four months, call your soccer representative.

If playoffs last more than four months, call your soccer representative.

Despite this critical information, fans of all four teams forged ahead in their belief that their team is the anointed one team that will raise the Major League Soccer Philip "I hate the gays" Anschutz Trophy at the end of the year. The Nutmeg News spoke with four fans from the four teams remaining who all had the following to say.

"We are the best" said deluded Timbers fan Harold Schmidt "I know it."

"We are definitely the best, Yall" said confused FC Dallas fan Stephen Rodder. "I know it."

"We are going to win this year" said deluded Red Bull New York fan Barbara Valens.

"We are absolutely the best and going to win," said confused Columbus Crew fan Isaac Rorish. 

According to Dr Clerk, "These are all signs of the deluded nature of sports and our human ability to lack critical thinking. Clearly they can't all win unless MLS changes their championship to a four way tie, something that would indeed provide the possibility that all these fans believe."

The Nutmeg News will have more from the 2015 Audi MLS Cup playoffs brought to you by Advocare, Herbalife, Amway, and Xango as they continue.

 

 

BLAZER-CON: A Psychonaut Trip Report

The Nutmeg News dispatched psychonaut and soccer fan Timothy Redding to Blazercon to take in the convention dedicated towards over exposed British talking heads and their cadre of Bill Simmons-esque worshipers. Here is his report of what he may or may not have experienced.

The first thing you must understand is that I was only on a high THC tincture when I was escorted from the hall after shouting about the theories of promotion only league structures where no one is relegated and the rising in league status is infinite.

LOVE IS LIFE'S BRIGHT LOVE AND TO LOVE AND OBEY! I'M FREAKING OUT. 

LOVE IS LIFE'S BRIGHT LOVE AND TO LOVE AND OBEY! I'M FREAKING OUT. 

I walked into Blazercon an infantile baby to the obsessive compulsive need of American soccer fans to seek acceptance and a sense of history; but I walked out with a head full of ether, psilocybin, and a heavy sprinkling of marijuana a new devotee to the cause of wearing a blazer and talking about soccer. Inside was a wheeling madhouse of tens of people who wanted to be loved because they were talking about nerdy things and worrying about their brand status as they figured out the correct way to lust after Rebecca Lowe that would not lead to group recrimination.

We wandered the hallways together seeking a new power source for our love after the great unplugging from what we typically call life and I found a way to sneak a capsule into my mouth of pure DMT that I lovingly stowed in a small vitamin-E bottle that I carried in my branded over the shoulder bag. The drugs took hold as I carefully looked for the floating face of Ray Hudson in the shuddering  quivering masses in front of me. 

Life become tolerable as the auditory hallucinations gained hold and everywhere I walked the pronunciation of the word Derby became Darby. The Mushrooms moved fast at this point and I became very aware of trails and contrails and many people walking around in kits from Europe. Everyone was Jack Wilshire and everyone was Sergio Aguero. No one was James McClean.

My god, the mental aspect of trying to find sanity here became difficult as it was very clear that everyone had dressed for inside jokes. People wearing funny hats, small dolls, and all initialed with GFOP which means exactly nothing unless you are a Blazer-Fan at which point it becomes your mantra that you kneel to and pray extolling the great faith of your time, that without it there is no love or truth or great blazer in the sky.

As the feeling of overwhelming presence left me, I was left costing on an easy high and finding the middle ground. It was at this point the shouting became very clear and I was asked to leave as I was upsetting the Everton superfans from Bushwick in the tri-corner, three musketeers hats.

Heaven help us all.

 

New York Cosmos Summit Top Of Mountain To Claim Somewhat Meaningful Championship

NEW YORK - The New York Cosmos climbed to the top of the second division or third division or first division-kinda mountain to claim the soccer bowl for their own on Sunday as they beat the Ottawa Fury by a score of 3-2.

KINGS OF THE NASL -- BUT NOT THAT NASL -- THE OTHER NASL -- THE NEW NASL-- NO, NOT THE USL. LOOK, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE SUPPOSED SOCCER PYRAMID.

KINGS OF THE NASL -- BUT NOT THAT NASL -- THE OTHER NASL -- THE NEW NASL-- NO, NOT THE USL. LOOK, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE SUPPOSED SOCCER PYRAMID.

Playing on the chilly field at Hofstra University, the Cosmos managed to set aside the horrible turf, the thumping PA system, the cheerleaders dressed in skimpy clothes for 50 degree weather, the lacrosse markings and the broadcast that involved Shep "I HAVE OPINIONS" Messing on the greatest internet channel that ever streamed if you have ESPN or a friend that will let you borrow the code in order to watch the championship game online.

"We knew that thousands would be watching so we really went at them" said Raul after the final game of his career that saw him crowned champion of  a small subset of specific teams that elected to not go all in on the insanity of the rules that Major League Soccer tries to jam down your throat with great rapidity and thus formed a splinter league that also has a championship but virtually no coverage which, given that MLS barely has any persistent non-league created national coverage of note, basically means that it was widely and largely uncovered and unknown to have happened.

RELEVANCE!

RELEVANCE!

The Cosmos have now won two of the three last Soccer Bowl championships and the 2015 Woosnam Cup as having the best record in the league.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Cosmos continue their quest of propping up the NASL until it finds some kind of nationwide grasp on the collective consciousness of soccer fans in North America or whatever the end game of the NASL is beyond annoying Don Garber and Sunil Gulati.

Research Shows 99% Of Major League Soccer Fans Have Already Forgotten That Playoffs Are Still Ongoing

The findings from a new research project by the Department of Homeland Security have indicated that 99% of Major League Soccer fans have already forgotten that the playoffs are still ongoing.

Time to head back to watching the Habs, boys.

Time to head back to watching the Habs, boys.

"Are the playoffs still happening?" said Philadelphia Union fan Thomas Franz. "I kinda forgot that everything was still running along. Honestly, if they take a two week break in the middle of the schedule don't expect me to tag along."

Orlando City fans have reportedly long since checked out of following the league with Orlando City fan Jacob Steinberg stating, "We've got better things to do, like stalking the whereabouts of Brek Shea and trying to figure out what we are going to get in the draft. Frankly, I'm surprised anyone is still paying attention to that shit."

The data released by the department of homeland security showed that while some fans are still paying attention to the playoffs, most of them are isolated in the respective cities of the four teams still left in the competition for MLS Cup.

"I've still had to check my calendar to figure out when the games are coming back on again," said Timbers fan Brandon Hodgkins. "I'm hoping the Timbers make it to the end of the season so I can go to MLS cup a month from now on whatever day that happens to be."

Permanent contrarian, David Hughes, had the following to say, "If MLS didn't take a break for the international dates you would all be complaining about them screwing up the competitive balance of the league. It's a lose lose scenario." However, even Mr Hughes admitted that he has a hard time remembering the schedule, "I know that it is Sunday but I don't know what time. Hopefully the Pats game isn't on at the same time because if that's the case, I'm not going to be watching anything to do with soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league announces a January MLS Cup with a six week break for 2016.

Joe Roth Clarifies, "I, Personally, Get My Cocaine From Nicaragua"

Seattle, WA - Minority owner, movie producer and all around hollywood persona, Joe Roth, stated on Friday that his comments were taken out of context regarding Nicaraguans and Guatemalans being cocaine distributors.

MY PERUVIAN MARCHING POWDER COMES FROM THE GUATS, BRO!

MY PERUVIAN MARCHING POWDER COMES FROM THE GUATS, BRO!

"I was taken out of context. What I meant to say is that my own cocaine comes from Nicaragua and Guatemala. I certainly didn't mean to cast any aspersions or hate on people from Nicaragua and Guatemala. They make wonderful cocaine."

Roth's comments were perceived to have been in reference to Marco Pappa's ethnicity and The Nutmeg News asked Joe Roth whether or not he got his cocaine from Marco Pappa. 

"No, Marco hasn't sold me any cocaine. I wish he would, but the last time I asked him about this he just shook his head. The Guatemala stuff is fantastic, but I lost my connection after Marco didn't get called up to the national squad. God, what I wouldn't give to sign another player from Guatemala. I'm getting gakked up just thinking about it."

The Nutmeg News will have more about this as Joe Roth explains why Mexicans have the best weed.

TRANSFER RUMOR: NYCFC and LAFC In Running For Alfredo di Stefano

NEW YORK - A recent insider source has let The Nutmeg News know that New York City Football Club (NYCFC) and Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) are in the running to sign recently deceased Real Madrid legend Alfredo di Stefano (RIP).

So many trophies, so little time.

So many trophies, so little time.

"We think he has finally come down into our price range" said Sporting Director Claudio Reyna. "While he is most certainly dead, he offers as much to our lineup on defense as Andrea Pirlo did during Jason Kreis reign of terror."

New York City FC are reportedly in direct conflict to acquire di Stefano with the millennial interns at Los Angeles Football Club who oversea the transfer policy and Football Manager updates for the nascent side.

"We heard someone else was interested in the body of di Stefano and we thought we could probably trade some allocation money or get a loan utilizing our strong selfie game as collateral. While we don't actually know if di Stefano will want to come to Los Angeles Football Club, we also don't know if LAFC will ever actually play soccer so a dead, legendary player and a dead, legendary club seem to be the perfect match," stated director of Los Angeles Football Club acquisitions @SmokinPunz420 (Derek Blaylock). "We can't wait to add his trophies to our long list of accomplishments like the time we created a viral tweet about split scarves."

The Nutmeg News will have more as these two titans battle it out for Garrincha, next week.

New York Cosmos Fan Already Finding Reasons To Dislike Referee Alan Kelly

NEW YORK - Cosmos fan Hugo Bratock has admitted that ever since he found out that Alan Kelly was going to referee the NASL final, that he has been finding reasons to dislike Kelly.

"Someone doesn't like me on the internet? NO!"

"Someone doesn't like me on the internet? NO!"

"He is going to call something poorly" said Mr Bratock to his group of friends. "Probably blow an offside call, or call a goal back, or give someone a red card... I  don't even know."

When asked by his friends what he looks like, Mr Bratock couldn't accurately describe using terms such as, "Oh, you know...he is that referee... that guy, with the stuff.. He did that thing one time? Uses a lot of cards? He is just complete shit, he um... blew that  call in that game... and people don't like him much because of.... um.... something." 

Still though Mr Bratock is remains certain that he doesn't like him. "He's a terrible referee, I know this, I just can't remember exactly why, right now. I just know that I'm going to boo the shit out of him as soon as something goes against the my boys."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Bratock sees a picture of Mr Kelly and draws a complete blank.

For Authenticity Purposes, Rayo OKC To Only Communicate In Spanish

Oklahoma City, OK - New NASL team Rayo OKC has announced that for the sake of authenticity they will only communicate in Castilian Spanish for press releases and general announcements.

Muy Autentico

Muy Autentico

"It is important for our team going forward to only communicate in Spanish utilizing the Castilian formal Spanish, referential of Madrid," said Brad Lund manager of Sold Out Strategies. "Our overlords with Rayo Vallecano have insisted that this will differentiate us from other clubs in the United States now that Chivas USA has been buried 86 times over in Major League Soccer. We plan on being the team that the people who follow struggling La Liga teams and who are from Madrid and live in Oklahoma City can identify with."

With Rayo OKC being partially owned by Rayo Vallecano, Mr Lund stated that he thought that the language change would only be the first step towards creating a new Castilian Spanish identity for the fledgling club. "It's going to be crazy. I've already been working with Duo-Lingo and Rosetta Stone to get up to speed. We are only going to employ Spanish speaking players, coaches and front office staff mandating that our internal staff all learn how to speak Spanish within one year of the hire date. We also plan on instituting many of the things that a player with Rayo Vallecano would experience. We will have a Siesta period, major financial insecurity every couple years and a crippling inability to compete on a year to year level making us darlings of the media by virtue of our struggle. We will be encouraging our fans to also authentically speak Spanish as this will create even more authenticity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Rayo OKC as they are slapped with a discrimination lawsuit.

Area Man Tells Nation's Youth, "Stop Being Such A Wuss And Get Those Concussions"

PHILADELPHIA - Philadelphia man, Warren George, was shocked to find that heading in the game was being reduced at the youth level and he spent most of his Tuesday morning on twitter calling this attempt to reduce head trama, "A PERVERSION OF ALL THAT ENCOMPASSES BEING WHAT AN AMERICAN IS."

Brain damage isn't cool.

Brain damage isn't cool.

"These kids are such wimps these days and don't know what a good concussion can teach you," said a slightly intoxicated George to a Nutmeg News reporter on Tuesday. "Back in my day we got concussions and used them as a matter of pride. We wanted that brain damage. Why, if more 10 year old kids aren't getting brain damage then how are they, later in life, going to learn about prescription drugs and alcohol as coping mechanisms?"

Mr George was, as well, incredibly incensed that Taylor Twellman made any effort towards keeping future children from suffering the same concussion issues that he has faced throughout his career.

"This is what you get when you have someone out there scaring kids away from getting concussions. Children should go from heading the ball repeatedly for hours at a time to hitting other kids with their heads like linebackers for fun. Twellman is trying to nanny-state your children by telling them that getting brain damage isn't cool. Kids these days don't get ENOUGH brain damage. How will our nations youth become elite soccer players without continued practice of heading the ball. That's all we've done for 50 years internationally is punt the ball and head it. I will be that man on that wall bellowing out against the injustice of healthy, non-brain damaged children. Back in my day we got our brain damage by riding bikes without a helmet into a wall as latch-key kids stealing from convenience stores and hanging out with strangers eating candy... AND WE LIKED IT. I say this to all the children in the United States of A-MERICA, stop being such a wuss and get those concussions."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr George when he starts screaming about Mexican soccer youth taking the midfield jobs of United States players.

Gold Stars And Orange Wedges As League Consoles Players Who Didn't Win

With the season over for all but four remaining teams, MLS coaches and owners are doubling their efforts this weekend to help ease the sting of loss for their players.

Bruce Arena's assistant coach, Dave Sarachan, addressed his team saying, "I just want you guys all to know that you are all doing such a good job. I mean it. Think about how you played last year as compared to this year. Don’t look at the wins and losses, look at how much you learned and progressed. Think about how well you played as a team."

When asked by Omar Gonzalez if he really meant it, Sarachan replied "Yeah buddy, of course I mean it. We’re all super proud of you." Gonzalez was then handed a tissue so he would stop wiping his nose on his kit.

"Don’t give up on yourself Omar. Give soccer another year and see how it goes. Don’t let tough times drive you away from something fun."

Bruce Arena reportedly had no comment as he is busy touring the beaches of Malibu.

You aren't a loser, you are just disadvantaged non-winner.

You aren't a loser, you are just disadvantaged non-winner.

In New York, Don Garber met with New York City FC (NYCFC) players to pass out orange wedges and talk to them about the end of the season, "I know I’m not your coach, and I know this year has been really hard for you guys. Lots of change, huh? I want to make sure you guys know that it has nothing to do with you.  It’s not your fault at all. Sometimes coaches and owners fight and sometimes they decide that what’s best for the players is to split up. You know what? I think you guys are really going to like Patrick Vieira. He’s a really fun guy. But you don’t have to call him coach right away if you don’t want, it’s ok. But I think once you get to know him and once we get on a real soccer pitch next year, you’ll have lots and lots of fun again."

Ned Grabavoy and Mix Diskerud showing their coping mechanism after the divorce.

Ned Grabavoy and Mix Diskerud showing their coping mechanism after the divorce.

In Vancouver, after a heartbreaking loss in front of their own fans, Whitecaps coach Carl Robinson talked to his team. "Listen up guys, it’s really important to be a good loser, but you know what? You need to be a good winner too. I see those Timbers over there dancing with their fans and I know how much that hurts to see. That isn’t very nice of them and I hope their coach yells at them about it. But you know what? There are jerks everywhere in this world. Sometimes you just have to learn how to live with them. I’m just so proud of you guys for being the bigger team today. Despite the fact that you, in fact, lost in front of your home fans you are all winners to me!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as teams pick their head up, go out for ice cream and pizza, and work on their home room project to take their mind off the last week.

Dallas Morning News Begrudginly Gives One Inch Of Space To FC Dallas Win

Dallas, TX - The Dallas Morning News, purveyor of all things Dallas Cowboys and some other things from time to time, begrudgingly gave one inch of space to the FC Dallas playoff win over the Seattle Sounders on the Monday morning edition.

The Dallas Morning News: All Cowboy all the time. Would you like to know more about a horrible piece of trash named Greg Hardy that beat his wife?

The Dallas Morning News: All Cowboy all the time. Would you like to know more about a horrible piece of trash named Greg Hardy that beat his wife?

The editors of the Dallas Morning News stated the following, "Who gives a shit about soccer? You are lucky we even have a blurb about this. We spent most of Monday morning seeing if we could generate 36 different stories about this Greg Hardy deal."

Soccer fans in the Dallas/Fort Worth metroplex area say this is nothing surprising or new.

"The Dallas Morning News would rather cover a 0-16 season from the Cowboys than actually do anything about FC Dallas," said local fan Ernesto Sanchez. "They don't want any part of their persona to get infected by soccer so they typically just jam it far far away down into the deep recesses of the website. Hell we don't even have a specific spot on their website, it just says 'Cowboys - Mavericks - Stars - Rangers - Colleges - High Schools - More'. To be fair to the Dallas Morning News, no one should go there for their soccer coverage anyway since it basically doesn't exist. One could argue that the Dallas Morning News just panders to the large demographic of white Cowboys fans who see soccer as a Hispanic sport, but that's likely what it just feels like to me. I mean, if no one cares about soccer, then why was the stadium packed on Sunday night?"

We will just put it under "more". No one in the 'Murica cares about that socialist ball.

We will just put it under "more". No one in the 'Murica cares about that socialist ball.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas fans continue to fight against the massive indifference from the media and other fans in their area.

 

Red Bull New York Fan Concerned That Team Didn't Play Beautiful Enough

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan Gareth Graham has stated, on twitter, that he is concerned that the win by Red Bull New York to get them to the Major League Soccer Eastern Conference final wasn't aesthetically pleasing enough for his discerning tastes.

My life is based around style, shouldn't my football club be this way as well?

My life is based around style, shouldn't my football club be this way as well?

Mr Graham stated, "Life is style. Art is style. Football should be style. Everything I do is interconnected with the aesthetic that defines me, and I'm concerned that there wasn't enough style with Red Bull New York to fit my je ne sais quoi."

During the Town Hall meeting with Red Bull officials, Mr Graham repeatedly asked about the style of the team stressing that it was really even more important than wins. He stands by that philosophy now. "I am not a man prone to supporting the ugly, the unctuous (unless it be cheese), the toad-like, the blasé. I am a man committed to supporting the light, the airy, the dreamy, the frail and fragile tendrils of art that consume us all. And so in football with the dream fugue that takes the artist on the field to new heights. Oh to be that form of football, but to lose by 6 goals but still have that turn in the middle of the field that makes my cheeks moist."

When asked if Mr Graham was enjoying the Red Bull run to the MLS Cup Eastern Finals he said, "Life gives you unexpected results, and to be burgeoning with promise but lacking aesthetic value is difficult. I find the moments to enjoy though and I find myself gravitating towards a light summer scarf with perhaps a Red Bull Logo on it to give me the feeling of hope that balloons from the play of the 11 on the field, even if not aesthetically beautiful at all times."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Mr Graham paints his face and shows up with red horns on his head for the home game against Columbus Crew.

Jozy Altidore Continues 20 Year Project Towards Unfulfilled Potential

TORONTO - As United States international and currently overpaid Toronto FC player Jozy Altidore turned 26 today, The Nutmeg News (TNN) spoke with Altidore over his 20 year project towards unfulfilled potential.

Altidore during unhappier times.

Altidore during unhappier times.

"I'm slowly heading that direction" said Altidore to our reporters on Friday. "Working my way towards 30 years old and the shift from 'we expected so much' to the eventual crushing acceptance by my fans that what you see is what you get. It's delicate process where I give hope by playing with a big team, score a goal, get injured, go on loan, go on loan again, and then eventually move with all my biggest fans saying 'he needs a change of pace.' 

The Nutmeg News spoke to a Jozy Altidore fan, Mr Stephen Reese, in Torrance, California about his expectations for Altidore going forward, "Well he was a young phenom at one point. Then he moved to a player in a bad situation. Then he moved to bust, then to misunderstood, then to another bad situation. Then for a while he was fulfilling his potential in a weak league. Then he was bad again and getting worse and now he seems to be slowly moving towards acceptance. At this point, when he turns 30, we will be able to finally say that he has achieved his potential and that he is a player who is mercurial with often a poor touch and spates of both good and disinterested play.. However, it is important to note that he doesn't get to that point til he is 28 and a half. Right now I still think he just needs time in a good system."

TNN also spoke with journalist Sid Pulanski about Altidore and he had the following to say, "I'm already planning on my un-fulfilled potential story when he turns 29. That's really only 3 years away so I'm just working on the outline and the layout at this point. Gotta let it breathe."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Altidore when he starts playing well and scoring goals only to somehow get injured or fall out of form losing all of his confidence before his big break.

Party Had Despite Lack of Pyro

WASHINGTON - Pyro advocate and Barra Brava member Paula Osterhaus admitted that D.C. United fans had a party despite their lack of pyro during their recent playoff game against Red Bull New York on Sunday.

The District Ultras want Pyro.

The District Ultras want Pyro.

"I hate to admit that it was a great party in the stands despite the lack of Pyro" said Ms. Osterhaus. "While I was of the belief that one can guarantee No Pyro No Party is absolutely factual in every way, in fact the opposite proved true and we had a party with zero pyro. True, the final score brought us down, but no amount of flares in the stands would make losing to those bastards ok. Well, maybe a lot of flares, at least more than 2."

While the disappointing realization that one of her core tenents may have not been true was startling, Ms. Osterhaus stated, "This still doesn't change my belief that Pyro makes things better. I still believe in the idea of No Pyro No Party even if I know now that you can indeed have a party without pyro. I'm disappointed, but we will carry on our fight for the legalization of incendiary devices in stadiums everywhere."

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this when Ms. Osterhaus realizes that No Pirlo No Party may not be true as well.

Argumentative Kansas City Fan Sees Potential Brad Davis Trade As Opportunity

Kansas City, MO - Sporting Kansas City fan and chronically argumentative individual David Thurston admitted that he saw the potential Brad Davis trade to Kansas City as a great way to get into small fights on the internet about Brad Davis and what he means to Kansas City fans.

Who me? 

Who me? 

"This is my time!" said Mr. Thurston to The Nutmeg News on Thursday. "This potential trade needs an argumentative asshole who challenges fans on their assumption of fandom and repeats trite things like 'you aren't a Sporting fan if you don't love all the players' while then getting into another argument online about how much Brad Davis is the devil in disguise."

Mr. Thurston has admitted to creating a number of different personalities on reddit, facebook and twitter in order to yell at different Kansas City fans and stir up different emotions.

"It's important to troll your own fanbase about a player they don't like. It angries up the blood. Plus it's the offseason, I literally have nothing better to do. This Brad Davis news is the funniest thing I've had happen since that debacle ending to the season."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr. Thurston as he starts a rumor on Big Soccer that Sporting Kansas City are going to trade Graham Zusi and Matt Besler for the rights to Ronaldinho.

 

"They're Coming To Take Our Jobs!" Canada Enacts Border Restrictions To Prevent Visiting Portland Fans From Immigrating

Vancouver, BC - Canadian officials with the Immigration and Refugee Board have stated that the influx of refugees from Portland this weekend will be closely monitored to ensure that they will not attempt to stay.

These numbers point to the last mass immigration of Portland fans to Vancouver during Quarter 3 of 2014 followed by the mass emigration back to Portland in Quarter 4 as they looked at housing prices.

These numbers point to the last mass immigration of Portland fans to Vancouver during Quarter 3 of 2014 followed by the mass emigration back to Portland in Quarter 4 as they looked at housing prices.

Anita Biguzs, the Deupty Minister of Citizenship and Immigration,  stated, "We can ill afford to provide housing, food and medical services for people fleeing the massive attacks of gentrification that are happening in Portland. We give our sympathy to the refugees but we will ensure that they watch their soccer game and leave." 

Fans of the Vancouver Whitecaps have admitted they are welcoming but stay cautious of over eager immigrants looking to jump into Canadian life.

The Nutmeg News spoke with Jeremy Dubois, a Vancouver native living in the neighborhood of Marpole, "I had one friend from Portland asking about our healthcare systems the other day. It made me very suspicious of his motives for coming up to Canada. He certainly can't be traveling five hours just to watch his team lose, so I'm guessing he is coming up here to get healthcare and treatment on the Canadian loonie. Or toonie depending on what procedure they are looking to undertake."

TNN also spoke with director of the Immigrant Services Society of BC, Mitch Lifeson, who stated, "These people traveling from Portland are often in ill health, lacking in protein, desperately needing fluoride for their teeth, and craving fatty foods due to their poor diet. We here at ISS will try to find a way to help them out and provide them the ability to live while they consider their options in Vancouver. We will also provide some locally created bone broth and our delicious ramen to get a little bit of meat on their bones."

"THEY ARE COMING TO TAKE 'ER JOBS!" said Oscar Westing. "Harper was RIGHT! It's a wave of green clad immigrants trying to apply for OUR social services, flooding OUR healthcare systems, and trying to find OUR nearest government teat with which to suckle without abandon. We need to build a razor-wire wall with trained snipers at the peace arch to prevent this flood of illegal immigrants and refugees from their own self-induced rent and gentrification crisis. It isn't our fault that they put themselves into this situation."

TNN also spoke with director of Housing and affordability for Vancouver who had the following to say, "I don't think they have looked at cost of living. These people are insane. They're going to run into the same thing that other Americans found when they pledged to leave due the election of Bush, Clinton, Bush, or Obama. You're better off where you are and we're better off with you where you are."

U WOT M8!

U WOT M8!

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Timbers fans flee back to Portland via bus, train, car, and government deportation transports in order to avoid the city-wide riots that will take place on Monday after the inevitable Whitecaps win.