Major League Soccer Fans Thank Steven Gerrard For Derailing LA Galaxy Season And Leaving Team

Major League Soccer (MLS) fans the continent over banded together to thank Steven Gerrard for derailing the LA Galaxy season before unceremoniously leaving the team less than a month after getting knocked out of the playoffs while offering less of a positive impact than Rafa Marquez did for Red Bull New York.

THIS TURNED OUT LIKE EVERY SINGLE LEAGUE SEASON I HAVE EVER HAD

"Thanks, Gerrard! Next could you stop by Tom Brady's house and offer to play kicker for the Patriots?" said Seattle Sounders and Seahawks fan Reggie Holding.

"What a great guy! He managed to kill LA's 2015 season just like he killed Liverpool's seasons for the last 9 years," said Diana Gutierrez of Ann Arbor, Michigan. 

The Nutmeg News spoke with the director of the Las Vegas Institute of Luck and she had the following to say, "Gerrard is what we call, in the industry, a cooler. He steps up to a team and immediately brings everything else around him down. LA can consider themselves lucky that he isn't coming back to their team as they will likely have a good shot at winning MLS Cup in 2016. Should Mr Gerrard want a position after soccer, I'm sure the Tropicana would love to have him as a blackjack dealer. He is one of the few people in the world that could get 5 people around him to just start automatically losing."

The Nutmeg News spoke with former LA Galaxy goalkeeper Donovan Ricketts about this blame and he said the following, "At least they don't realize it was actually my fault."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gerrard attempts to deal Blackjack on the weekends in Blackpool.

Drogba States, "I Can Do Whatever I Want In This League"

Montreal, QC - Didier Drogba has stated to the media on Wednesday, "I can do whatever I want in this league."

At least he didn't bite him....... yet.

Reportedly Drogba was given the ability to do literally anything he wants to do at any time in any game to any person so long as Montreal stays in the playoff race while doing it.

"Don Garber told me that there would be no crack down on anything I do on the playing field so long as I don't actually kill someone. So I am allowed to pull down goal keepers, mouth off to referees and score goals from nearly any position on the field," said the Ivory Coast international. "I've been told that I am allowed to punch players, tackle them, and even elbow them in the face as long as Montreal and I continue to stay in the public eye during the playoffs so I have every intention of doing so."

The Nutmeg News asked Don Garber about this free pass for Didier Drogba and he had the following to say, "Are you Didier Drogba? No - Is Drew Moor Didier Drogba? No - Is Wil Trapp Didier Drogba? No - So it stands to reason that since there is only one Didier Drogba and that he is allowed to do whatever he wants. He picks his own team to play for, he speaks his own language, he tackles whatever player he wants in whatever way he wants. He is above the law and we will not punish our star players. Look this is all part of the script anyway and we are only going to step in if Montreal start losing to the Crew in the second leg. At that point it is going to be red card city for Columbus!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Drogba puts Steve Clark into a figure four leg hold and then holds him there while Montreal scores 5 goals.

Self Made Millionaire Credits Hard Work, Dissolution of Chivas USA

Carson, California – Software developer Alberto Delgado has announced today that his year-to-date income has reached in excess of $1.03 million, officially making him a self-made millionaire. He credits his success solely to the dissolution of his former MLS soccer club, Chivas USA.

These kinds of incredible efforts at fan relations originally kept Mr Delgado from fulfilling his destiny.

“I was spending a couple of hundred dollars a week on my club just in alcohol purchases to help ease the suffering from loss after loss. And when you’re looking at nearly $10 for beer it adds up quickly and then you then factor in that we’re playing in a stadium plastered in LA Galaxy swag I had to drink before I even showed up at the stadium.”

Chivas USA suffered from years of mismanagement and poor results which ultimately ended after the 2014 MLS season when they ceased operations.

“I used to buy every kit they put out, their beer cozies, and really anything else they sold in order to help support the team.  But it was no use. No matter how much money we threw at the club none of it went to any good.”

Delgado continues, “When the team finally dissolved I was forced to take a hard look in the mirror.  On one hand I could switch clubs and start supporting the Galaxy which mean more wins and victory, but I would continue to spend countless hours and hundred's of dollars on following the game.  On the other hand I could ditch it all and invest my time into something more productive. I chose the latter and took a number of online programming classes. I also paid for an Apple developer’s license and began to develop games and apps for iPhones and iPads. After a year of hard work I found that I cleared $1.03 million.”

We asked Delgado if he would be looking to become a supporter of the Los Angeles Football Club when it comes into being in 2016.  “Are you kidding me? I’m looking to expand out into Android systems in the next couple months which means I have to become proficient in yet another programming language and operating system.  I’m even looking to do some development for the iWatch, or Apple Watch, or whatever it’s called. If I'm looking to double my profits by developing for a sub-par product, I don't have time to enjoy sub-par sports. When I think about all the hours I spent painting banners, all the hours I spent needlessly worrying about the team moving. My god, I could have made enough money to buy out Vergara"

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr Delgado when he suffers a relapse and starts caring about sports again.

Detroit City FC Announce Additional Kickstarter, "For $500 More We Can Just Buy Detroit"

Detroit, MI - Detroit City FC (DCFC) announced an additional kickstarter to their Keyworth stadium funding project with the stated goal of "Buy Detroit"

"For only a few dollars more you can own a giant metroplex!"

"We realized that we were realistically only $500 dollars away from being able to just purchase the city and then we would have eminent domain to build a soccer stadium wherever we wanted" said co-owner of Detroit City Sean Mann. "We would love to just be able to own Detroit both figuratively and literally so this seemed like a wise choice for our future."

The Nutmeg News interviewed Detroit City fan Clarissa Harden who stated, "I thought we already owned Detroit, Michigan and all of Oh*o, so this is nothing new. Just wait til the next time a glory hunting carpetbagger comes into the area to try to create an NASL team. We are going to shut them down so fast."

DCFC fan Harvey Thompson stated, "I sold one of my kidney's for the club, but now I'm selling the second for Detroit." When asked how he is going to function without a kidney, Mr Thompson stated, "How would I function without this club or this city? Losing my kidney functionality is the least of my concerns."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as DCFC buys Detroit, tears down the Silverdome and installs pyro vending machines in front of Keyworth Stadium.

Soccer Fans Enraged That Protesters Didn't Pick MLS Playoff Games To Disrupt

Soccer fans the United States over were enraged that protesters didn't pick MLS Playoff games to disrupt instead of a Monday Night Football game.

"Why does Monday Night Football get all the protesters? Aren't we a major sport in the United States?"

"Soccer will NEVER be big in this country til our countries protesters are using our most important games as an arena for political grandstanding" said Trent Hamford director of communication for the Copacabana in Midtown, New York City. "When our nations protesters see our games as the largest target, then we can talk about being part of the big four."

Reportedly, Don Garber called the protesters and asked if they were interested in showing up to protest at the upcoming DC United v Red Bull New York game. Sadly, none of the arrested few knew what a Red Bull New York was and were unable to be convinced. Garber allegedly offered the group a serious amount of allocation money and the right of first refusal on Carlos Vela as a sweetener, with no results.

"If we wanted to make a political statement, why would we pick a sport where roughly 23 people are watching?" said Chelsea Randall, protester against the liquefied natural gas facility in Maryland  "At the very least, I would pick the NASL because they are an open system of management."

Reportedly, the Chicago Fire have already offered one of the protest members a tryout for the 2016 season stating, "Fuck it, we need the publicity."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS likely lampoons the protesters in some way while trying to sell playoff tickets.

Inside Source With @NYCFC Details The Passion Of The Kreis

The Nutmeg News has received an exclusive story via a leak from inside the NYCFC organization. One of their interns was able to send out private tweets to us during the course of the day which created a timeline of all the various events that took place during Jason Kreis’ firing on Monday. His messages are as follows.

"No no no no Jason, your playing career ends quickly.. It's your managerial career! somethings gotta be done about your choices!"

8:00am: NYCFC front office receives a tip that Jason Kreis was in Madison Square Garden with a few of his players. Staff and security are dispatched.

8:30am: NYCFC Front office and MLS representatives show up at Madison Square Garden.  Don Garber walks up to Kreis and identifies him to the security personnel by kissing him on the cheek. Kreis is then taken into custody.

9:00am: Kreis arrives at Yankee Stadium where he is confronted by the owners of Manchester City and the New York Yankees. He is condemned to be fired for failing to make the playoffs despite the massive financial investments that were made.

9:15am: A man identified as Frank Lampard is confronted by security as he was walking to the stadium. Security asks if Lampard thinks Kreis did all he could during their inaugural season. Lampard was quoted as saying: “Ultimately the responsibility is on the shoulders of the coach. He didn't give direction in training, lacked an overall match day plan, didn't give tactical direction. I tell you I never believed in him!" NYCFC officials decide everyone will buy this excuse if they keep repeating it, so they contact bloggers to start the excuse making program.

9:45am: Kreis is officially fired by Manchester City CEO Ferran Soriano. While hesitant to sign the official statement, the owners were quoted as saying: “Let his blood be on us and on our investors!” After signing the statement Soriano squirts some Purel hand sanitizer on his hands and vigorously rubs them together, absolving himself of all responsibility and killing 99.9% of germs.

10:00am: Kreis has his suit and shirt torn off and has a MLS Championship Star pinned to his bare chest. He was then forced to hoist up a mock MLS cup wreathed in thorns. Photos are taken and posted to the NYCFC's Instagram to engage millennials in the brand.

10:15am: Kreis is forced to carry a bar from a goal post on his back and starts out by heading North along River Ave.

10:30am: Kreis turns left on East 167th around the parking area.

Jason Kreis in happier days being told to shut the hell up.

10:45am: Next to Mullany Park, near the corner of Jerome Ave and East 165th street, Kreis stumbles and drops the goalpost from sheer exhaustion. A man emerges from the crowd and picks up the post. He is identified as MLS Legend Landon Donovan who then carries the post the rest of the way for Kreis. He is quoted as saying: "It's no problem, I've got lots of practice at this."

11:15am: The goalpost is erected on the pitcher’s mound in Yankee Stadium and Kreis is tied to it. Two of his assistants are attached to goal posts on third and first base.

1:00pm: After two hours the assistant on first base begins to curse Kreis saying that his insistence on playing Grabavoy was always a horrible idea and was doomed to fail.  The coach on third base says that he always admired Kreis' ability to sit Poku despite all the clamor to play him and that he thought he was a great coach. Kreis tells this coach that he will be on his staff when he is picked up by either Chicago or Colorado.

2:00pm: NYCFC players enter the stadium and witness NYCFC security personnel gambling for Kreis’ scarf, tie, and hair styling product.  Grabavoy and McNamara approached Kreis who then addressed them saying: “Grabavoy, here is your son. McNamara, here is your mother.” The meaning behind this was not entirely understood.

2:45pm: Kreis raises his head and yells out: “My league! My league! Why hast thou forsaken me?!”  He then lowered his head and returned to being quiet.

3:00pm: Kreis raises his head a final time and says: “The inaugural season... is finished.”  A tweet from the official New York City Football Club account is sent out announcing the plan for all parties to go their separate ways.

His remains were sent to Salt Lake City as Real Salt Lake owner, Dell Loy Hansen, had donated an old janitor's closet located under Rio Tinto stadium.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when we debut our interactive stage version of "The Stages Of The Cross: Kreismass of Doom" staring Gary Sinese as Jason Kreis and Fay Dunaway as whatever we come up as a Mary Magdalene substitute.

Steven Gerrard Unaware He Was Actually Going To Have To Play Soccer

LOS ANGELES - Steven Gerrard, former Liverpool player, sometime pundit, and roster corpse for the LA Galaxy, admitted that he was actually unaware that moving to Major League Soccer (MLS) meant he would actually have to play soccer for a living.

Steven Gerrard shown here ensuring another Liverpool title.

"They told me this was a retirement league, not a league filled with shit referees, artificial turf and distances the equivalent of flying from London to Moscow." said a perturbed Gerrard to his agent on Monday morning. "If I wanted to actually play this season I would have moved to Italy. Instead, now I'm expected to run around and try to play when I really just want to fly back to the BT Sports booth and make pithy comments like Jamie gets to do next to Thierry Henry."

Gerrard was apparently shocked to find out that it gets to be 110 degrees in Dallas, that Seattle has rain and terrible turf and that no one in Colorado even knows that their team exists.

"I tried to call David but he told me to figure it out on my own." said Mr Gerrard to our reporter on Monday. "It's like moving from a club where I was a demi-god to a different club that is used to winning every year means that I lost all the possible cachet that I had available to deflect attention away from my declining play. Hell, I'm glad the season is over. Now I just get to hang around on the beach and set myself up for my retirement tour next season."

While Gerrard can be assured that his place in Liverpool history will never slip, his ability to weather the storm in Los Angeles is still up for grabs.

"There's always a time for a retirement rejuvenation" said Gerrard.

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this situation when Bruce Arena starts replacing Gerrard with players from LA 2.

Whitecaps Fan Stranded After Failed Cascadian Secession

Blaine, Washington - James Whitmore, a Vancouver B.C. resident, found himself trapped on the American side of the border after realizing he had burned his passport due to a drastic misunderstanding.

VIVE LA REVOLUTION, BUT ONLY IF IT SUCCEEDS BECAUSE LORD KNOWS I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK ON THE US SIDE OF THE BORDER.

“Oh, you know how it is when you mix weed and beer?” says Mr. Whitmore, “With pot being legal all the way from Vancouver to Portland we ended up smoking all the way down. We even had to stop at a few dispensaries along the way to stock back up. Then we get to Portland and we start hitting some beers because everything is so cheap here compared to Vancouver. Did you know you can get a beer in Portland for under 5 dollars, even good beer and not that Molson shit? I knocked back five without really thinking about it then headed into their stadium.”

It was at this point that Whitmore stopped consuming alcohol and marijuana but had forgotten about some potent edibles he had consumed somewhere outside of Vancouver, Washington. Enough time had passed that the edibles began to take effect.

“I was standing there and I’m just stoned out of my gourd waiting for the game to start. I looked across the stadium to the Timbers Army and I see a bunch of Cascadia flags being waved. I became transfixed and sort of hypnotized by the movements. Then I see this giant one up get raised up on the main stage. It was like thirty feet tall, you know? I thought this was the signal that the Cascadian secession had begun. It became very clear to me that the revolution was at hand. We were to seize the grounds, take the stadium, win the game, and then march on the heads of state. That this was the time to seize our new Cascadian country from the hands of the despots and Justin Trudeau who I voted for because really he represents a lot of the social contract that went missing when we elected Harper into position.”

The Cascadian flag, a green, white, blue flag with a doug fir in the middle, represents a secession movement for a bioregion reaching from Oregon up through Canada.

“I started waving my Cascadian flag like crazy,” Whitmore continues, “and I’m yelling ‘free Cascadia’ at the top of my lungs. I kind of blacked out around then but my friend Mitch says that I then took out my passport and set fire to it. I didn’t even realize it until we got back to the Canadian border and I didn’t have my passport anywhere.”

Whitmore is currently staying in Blaine, Washington awaiting a replacement passport.

“I’m probably going to lose my job as I was supposed to be at work at eight today, but oh well.  The main problem is that I have a severe issue with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and if I go to the hospital here in the United States I'm completely screwed. I don't really know what to do so the revolution needs to either come right now, or I need someone to express mail me a passport. I'm not claiming asylum here. Why would I want to leave right before Harper is out?

Since there’s nothing else to do I’m spending most of my time in the Evergreen Cannabis dispensary. I’m going to need to get really stoned next week since it will be winner take all.”

DC United Fan Admits, "I Ran Onto The Field To Save My Life"

WASHINGTON - DC United Fan and fan "streaker" Wesley Szbilic admitted that he only ran onto the field to save his life and wasn't trying to invade the pitch.

Mr Szbilic possibly winning a disability suit at a later date.

"I was cornered in an upstairs bathroom of RFK by knife wielding raccoons" claimed Mr Szbilic to our reporter on Monday morning. "They demanded my shirt, my money or they would take my life"

Reportedly Mr Szbilic tried to get others to help him but they didn't believe anyone had actually waded into the flooded bathrooms to try to use the facilities when they could just piss in the corners of the stadium instead.

"I'm not an animal, I had to go" said Mr Szbilic "But I couldn't deal with their demands, I ran out onto the field because they chased me to field level. I was dodging falling masonry, feral raccoons, irradiated cockroaches that tried to sell me methamphetamine, and I nearly fell through a random sinkhole that appeared in the concourse. RFK is just crazy, man."

While Mr Szibilic was happy for the protection that being arrested availed him, he was still afraid that the Raccoon's and the cockroaches knew the lay of the land better than everyone and they might have someone on the inside. 

"They are still coming for me. The leader, Theo, said that he was going to finish me off for my 2004 Eskandarian kit. I couldn't let him have it!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the raccoons and the cockroaches finally make a gang deal to settle their differences peacefully in order to finally take over the concessions racket.

Area Man Realizes How To Fix Sounders Fans After Attending First Game On Sunday

Seattle, WA - "Put the flags down!!!" screamed area man Stuart Yarborough while he attended his first Seattle Sounders game on Sunday.

To annoy the living shit out of Mr Stuart Yarborough of N 180th St in Shoreline.

Mr Yarborough reportedly picked up the tickets from his friend Brent Osterhaus (because Brent needed the money in order to buy Star Wars tickets for opening day) who failed to inform Mr Yarborough that the game wouldn't be catered to Mr Yarborough's needs and wishes.

"This is bullshit," said Mr Yarborough "I'm here to watch the game and the Emerald City Supporters need to cater the kind of experience that they give me to the experience that I want to have. This is about me. I don't care how long they have been doing this, it is bullshit! With the flags and the waving and the chanting and the guys wearing hats. I'm telling you, these fans don't have a clue what it means to be a real fan."

Mr Yarborough reportedly was upset at having a flag knock over some of his popcorn that he specifically walked to get, and the rest of the afternoon was an nonredeemable mess.

"I want to stand here to watch the game. I don't care that there are 65,000 other seats that I could move to that don't have waving flags. I deserve to watch the game from right here exactly like I want. And you know what? I think they should not sing either. You don't hear Hawks fans singing, this is bullshit. All these guys are transplants, I can tell. They are the real reason I stopped living in Capitol Hill. Pushed the rent up on me. What a bunch of clowns. Well I'll tell you what, I'm going to keep coming back to this section and keep on yelling at people to put the flags down. It's my god given right to figure out a way to ruin this socialist ball."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Yarborough as he loudly argues about the stupidity of the offside rule to anyone that will listen.

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Atheist Attends Church And Calls Mother After Pact With God Goes Horribly Wrong During Timbers Game

Portland, OR - Avowed Atheist  David Metrow found himself attending church on Friday morning after praying for Saad Abdul-Salaam to miss his penalty kick last night in the Timbers 7-6 MLS Playoffs victory over Sporting Kansas City.

"Fuck, am I a Unitarian now?"

Not only did Mr. Metrow promise to attend church but he also vowed to call his mother, something he had not done since the great Thanksgiving argument of 2006 where his mom, Debra, confessed that she was disappointed in his decision to major in Romanian Art Studies instead of business.

"Hi mom, I'm at church" said a sheepish Metrow who was convinced to make good on his promises that were widely unheard and completely without actual merit. "I guess I'm a Unitarian now. You can blame soccer."

Reportedly Mr Metrow's mother was disappointed in his attending a soccer game and called the vivid 30 minute description given by Mr Metrow, "an orgiastic carnal description of sinning against Jesus and God almighty as given by leftists and Bolivian anarchists bent on taking away jobs from good Americans who farm in Kansas." 

Mr Metrow has vowed that he will not call on the powers of Jesus or God again unless he really needs Darlington Nagbe to sink a goal in the 91st minute of the upcoming game against Vancouver.

"At least next time I'm going to try to make promises to Buddha." said Metrow.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Metrow attempts to square his own fanaticism for his soccer team with his core grounded atheism.
 

Blissful Toronto Native Unaware That His Soccer Team Is Fighting For His Honor In Montreal

TORONTO - Toronto native Paul Simone is reportedly unaware that his hometown soccer team is fighting for his honor in Montreal this evening.

I mean, this is from an Expos game like 20 years ago, but It probably still applies. You make them sick Mr Simone.

"Whats going on where now?" said Simone as someone asked him if he was watching the game tonight. "The Jays got knocked out of the playoffs, I don't care about watching the rest of the World Series."

Reportedly the rest of Mr Simone's friends are also unaware of this national issue of hometown pride being contested tonight in Montreal.

"Look, we are just in the horrible time between watching the Raptors fail and waiting for the Argonauts fall apart before the Leafs come in to break out heart." said a collection of three of Mr Simone's friends who just don't really care about soccer at all.

"I tried to tell him, we all hate Montreal, come hate Montreal with me tonight  but he just got confused and thought I was talking about Lacrosse" said soccer fan and friend Regis Lefevre. "I might be the only TFC fan that Paul has and the last time I tried to take him it was raining and we lost. Given that this happens a lot, I couldn't convince him to come back out again. It is just a tough sale."

The Nutmeg News will have more on TFC's status if they make it to the final and Mr Simone turns out to have been a really big fan all along.

Productivity Approaching Record Low, Even For Portland.

Portland, OR - Statisticians with the bureau of labor indicate that the amount of actual work being performed in Portland is trending towards a record low as Timbers fans await their playoff game against Kansas City on Thursday evening.

Hard to go into the office to advocate for bike safety, urban development and better city stewardship of roadways when my soccer team is in the playoffs.

The Nutmeg News spoke with US Labor Board representative, data counter, and part time burlesque performer Heather Grant about this issue, "We are seeing a record number of companies struggling to just stay functional as people are wistfully looking out the window, watching youtube videos of their favorite games and planning on trying to leave without anyone noticing them putting on their Timbers coat, facepaint and 26 scarves."

Richard Morgan, director of the Portland school of German phrasing and ecumenical discourse, stated, "I've been getting ready since this weekend and slowly spending most of the day in the bathroom texting friends about how excited I am. I've got a few different routines that I like to perform before I head to the stadium including blessing all of my bikes with holy water and then only eating at a food cart that represents the Timbers as well as my own dietary restrictions. It's difficult as a gluten free vegan that only drinks fair trade beverages to find more than 5 or 6 food carts in my pod that also have a partnership with the Timbers and serve meals that I can correlate with Kansas City, but I make due."

While this trickle down issue with productivity is worrisome for management, many workplaces report that they are seeing no difference between this and any other Thursday in Portland  "Someone brought in donuts from Heavenly, Voodoo, and Blue Star to finally have a blind taste test. So yeah, we are a bit excited." said Darren Kilpatrick from the Portland Inter Urban Running Association.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this productivity drain when we refill our typewriter with a new ink tape.

Bruce Arena States, "MLS Cup Doesn't Matter To Me"

CARSON, Calif.  -- The LA Galaxy are knocked out of MLS Cup, but that's of little concern to head coach Bruce Arena as he vociferously stated in his post game remarks.

Happier Days for Bruce back when he cared about MLS Cup.

The Galaxy have clinched a berth in the 2016 CONCACAF Champions League knock out stages and that is what the head coach cares about. Despite being close to winning a playoff game, the Galaxy do not control their own destiny in terms of the MLS Cup as they already left Seattle after losing 3-2.

However, that is of little concern to Arena who, after getting knocked out of the MLS Cup Playoffs, is focused on guiding the Galaxy to the CONCACAF Champions League title.

"That's not the focus of our team. The focus on our team is getting to the CONCACAF Champions League Title," Arena said. "That's our first objective. If we play well on the field and win games, all that stuff will take care of itself. I mean, who cares about the Supporters Shield or MLS Cup or the US Open Cup or any of the other trophies that we didn't win this year. It's all about the trophy that we still have a chance at winning. I call my philosophy 'moving the goal posts'. Unless we lose the goal posts. Then we never liked the goal posts in the first place."

But is it important for Arena's Galaxy to win MLS Cup? 

"It's certainly helpful. We've been in all sorts of positions. You can win as the six seed or you can win as the first seed," Arena said.  "Whatever that stuff means, you can figure it out yourself. I haven't found it to necessarily mean anything. Nothing about sports means anything anyway. I mean honestly, we are all slowly passing away in front of each other as rotting hunks of meat flesh. Everything is meaningless as we spin out of control on this icy death ball of a planet careening from one ice age to one global warming ebola pandemic as the earth crashes into a death spiral of rising ocean levels and dead honey bees. Honestly, It's a wonder any of you find time for soccer in the first place given that there are wars in Africa, genocide in the Middle East, and a never ending abuse of child labor that quenches our unending quest for chocolate even though our children's hands are being cut off to serve us.

But yeah, MLS  Cup. 

Go Galaxy." 

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Already Planning On Not Playing On Turf During His Theoretical MLS Move

PARIS - International superstar and man about town Zlatan Ibrahimovic has announced that he is already planning on not playing on turf if he does eventually make it over to Major League Soccer.

I'll do anything for the game, but I won't do that.

"I will follow the legacy of my counterparts Thierry Henry and Didier Drogba by not playing on turf" said the Swedish international. "This, of course, applies to a move that I haven't decided to make yet for a team that doesn't exist in a league that will do literally anything to get me. However, I can guarantee that Zlatan will not fly across the United States for hours in coach to play a game on a turf field. If Major League Soccer wants Zlatan then they will bow to all my demands. There will be no other option."

Reportedly, Don Garber has already agreed to all of Ibrahimovic's demands by stating, "Whatever you want, however you want it, just get here please. I'll drive you to and from the airport. I'll pay for your salary out of my own pocket, just come here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this if it happens because by the time David Beckham's team in Miami exists, Zlatan will likely be 285 years old.

Revolution Fan Really Trying To Not Use Nguyen Puns This Playoff Season

Revere, MA - New England Revolution fan Patricia Helman has vowed to avoid making any obvious attempts at utilizing any Nguyen puns in conversations, banners, t-shirts or displays during the playoffs this season after the "Nguyen-ter is coming" tifo display from last years playoffs.

Nguyening!

"I really liked the display but between the tifo and the idea of 'I believe that we will Nguyen' that was repeated ad-nauseum but I'm just taking a personal vow to avoid Nguyen pun t-shirts, Nguyen pun banners and Nguyen based tweets in the next month," said Ms Helman to The Nutmeg News on Wednesday.

Major League Soccer never met an idea they couldn't beat into the ground.

"I'm really just focused now on beating DC United and trying to figure out how the Revs are going to Nguyen MLS Cup. Oh Damn, well there's money for the Nguyen Swear Jar."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms Helman forgets her vow and wears her "I'm a Nguyen-er" t-shirt for the playoff game tonight against DC United.

Journalist Prepares Hot Takes In Advance For MLS Playoffs

In preparation for the upcoming MLS playoff games, journalist Ben Fredrikson has reportedly collected all of his hot takes for usage during and after the games so as to ease his transition from reporting the facts to snarky quick-lash judgement about a team's success or downfall.

One touch hot takes.... TO YOUR FACE!

"It's important for me to have all my bases covered so I can get to bed at a decent time on Wednesday and Thursday night" said Fredrikson. "Likely we will all be able to write about the Sounders inability to win at home, or LA being terrible on the road but the earlier that I get these snap judgments formed, the better off I'm going to be."

While Mr Fredrikson admits that he has urgent deadlines that make it likely he will be writing his column while the game is ongoing, that didn't necessarily spur his need to create his pithy comments in advance.

"It wasn't the deadline as much as it is really difficult to be funny on twitter if I'm distracted with other things like my work. I didn't want to have to worry about writing about the inability of a team to score or what Robbie Keane is doing on the field, but rather have my well defined hot-takes available to post from notepad straight to twitter where they can be most effective."

When asked what he will do if the game doesn't fit his pre-set hot takes, Mr Fredrikson said, "Oh don't worry, I'll just critique the team that is struggling for something it did in the past. Gotta keep those deadlines."

Abby Wambach Announces Retirement Until 2019 And Then We Will See What Happens

WASHINGTON - Following a tour of the White House with some other women that were likely scared of being in the same room with her, Abby Wambach announced her retirement until the Women's World Cup in 2019. 

Every great footballer has some ego problems, see Solo, Hope.

"I feel like it is high time for me to take a hiatus until 2019 and then we will see what happens. I've put in a good word for Jill with Sunil and likely we will be all gangbusters at the next World Cup. Hopefully our dependence on humping the ball up the field won't have changed and I can trot out there for a good minute or two. or 90."

Wambach, the leader in international goals scored, reportedly wanted to take time out of her busy schedule of answering questions about the NWSL to focus on herself for four years before attempting to win another Women's World Cup title.

"Sometimes it is important to look out for the crest and yourself, and sometimes it is important to look out just for yourself. I figure if I take this time off I'll have a better chance of figuring out how scared the women of the World Cup will be of me in 4 years. It'll be like Rocky 5, or 4, or whichever one he was facing the most adversity. Anyway, training montage and you can forward my mail to Salt & Straw in Portland, thanks. WORLD CHAMPION OUT!"

The Nutmeg News will have more from Wambach when she un-retires and then retires again.

Seattle Fan Confirms, "Three Days Almost Isn't Enough Time To Generate The Proper Level Of Worry"

Seattle, WA - Seattle Sounders fan Betheny James told The Nutmeg News on Tuesday that three days between the game on Sunday and the playoff game on Wednesday against the LA Galaxy almost wasn't long enough to generate the correct amount of worry necessary to deal with such a big game.

IN THIS PHOTO: Sounders Fan realizes he didn't adequately prepare his soul for this kind of game. He also forgot to turn off the lights in his car, maybe. I mean, maybe they turned off by themselves. But Jerry, you know they don't do that. C'mon man, we are talking a dead battery.

"Look, I should be terrified given prior results, but as of right now I'm just trying to get the paperwork finalized on these new hires here at work. I don't have enough time to meticulously pour over our past record against the Galaxy or nervously fret about Robbie Keane and Giovanni dos Santos like I should."

Ms. James stated that typically she would have involved 10 or 11 of her twitter followers in a horrifying trip down memory lane where they commiserated about the Sounders eliminations by the Galaxy in 2014, 2012 and 2010. "I just don't have the time to worry about this in three days. I mean, give me a week or two or a poorly scheduled break of 4 weeks where everyone forgets the playoffs are going on and we have enough time to needlessly freak out about things we don't control twice or even three times in that span. Three days though, I'm a busy woman. I have shit to do."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms James attempts to mentally prepare to prepare to freak out in the hour she takes for her lunch break by eating a yogurt at her desk while she surfs reddit and imagines hiking the pacific crest trail.

Colorado Rapids Already Planning A Way To Trade Away Their Most Valuable Asset In 2016

Denver, CO - The Colorado Rapids front office has already admitted that they are working on a methodology to trade away their most valuable asset in 2016.

"I don't own a soccer team in Colorado, are you high?"

President Tim Hinchey stated on Monday "We are already looking at mechanisms to make our team worse during the off-season and continue the inept management and seemingly never ending entropy that we have had over the past few seasons."

Reportedly the Rapids are already trying to identify their most valuable asset and trade or remove this asset from the organization.

"We don't yet know if this will be the player rights to Carlos Vela, or if it will be Clint Irwin, or perhaps it we will lease out the stadium to a monster truck rally on every Thursday and Tuesday before games. One way or another we are dedicated to making sure that 2016 will be just as bad as 2015. They say that the definition of success is continuity at all levels and we are aiming as low as possible for that," stated Hinchey in an address to the fans on Monday.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rapids trade any available assets left in the club for a bag of magic beans and the rights to an overpriced English striker currently playing in the third division of Scotland.