Alex Morgan Fan Realizes She Loved Orlando All Along

Topeka, KS - Alex Morgan super fan and former Thorns ultra, Kym Davidson, came to the stunning conclusion that she actually loved Orlando all along after Alex Morgan was traded there on Monday morning.

Ms. Davidson's favorite wallpaper for her cellphone.

"Portland never fit into my way of life anyway" said a jovial Ms. Davidson as she updated her twitter account to remove the words Portland Thorns Fan from her twitter description of -- Fan of the best player in the entire world, Alex Morgan, and super fan of the Orlando Pride. --

"Portland was OK, but just like Alex, I need to move on in order to be at a better place in my life. And like, was I going to visit there? NO. I don't like rain and gross people. I'd only go there just for Morgs. And they hate all the national team people there. Plus my friend told me they hated her there anyway. HATED HER -- H.A.T.E.D. her. And how can you hate Morgs? You can't. Her hair is just bouncy and her eyebrows are perfect and I just want to take her face...off... but like in a nice way, but like totally take her face off and wear it as my face, but like I said... in a totally nice way. And I'd give it back, when she needed it. But that way I'd see through her eyes and be her, but not like in a stalker way, just like a totally not creepy way, but yeah I'd like her face.... on my face.

I'm selling all my thorns gear on ebay so that I can buy a Pride Morgan jersey, immediately, so I can at least wear the same type of fabric that is on Alex's perfect shoulders."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Ms. Davidson as she updates her Morgan tattoo to include the Women's World Cup.

Sweet Release Of Offseason Allows Man To Focus On Himself And His Family Again

CHICAGO - The sweet release of the off-season has allowed Chicago Fire fan Paul Newton to focus on himself and his family again after an 8 month season of pure acrimony and desperation

I'm Free? I'M FREE! What will I do with my weekends now?!

Mr Newton reportedly started his off-season by taking his daughter to the park and attempting to have a look at those gutters on the house, finally.

"It's a new day and I'm a new man, now. I'm better for having gone through the 'difficulties' but I don't know if I'm coming back." said Mr Newton to reporters on Monday morning.

"Sports is supposed to be a release from your life, but I'm having a difficult time with sports being the difficult part IN my life. I mean, when my life is good and my team is a dumpster fire, shouldn't I be turning to my life to make me feel better about what is supposed to be my passion? I just don't know anymore. Either way, I won't have to think about it for a few months before the season ticket reps try to bang down my door getting me locked back in for another season."

While Mr Newton didn't attend the last game against Red Bull New York, he did have 90 minutes plus 30 minutes before and after the game to complain and gripe, taken out of his day every week. He also had any number of times where he realized that the reason he was short with his wife Darla was because of his abject disgust for the way the season went.

"There's only so many times that I can say I'm sorry, so we are heading out to Williams Sonoma after this to pick up the Christmas catalog and I'm taking her out for fondue next weekend. Nobody should put themselves through what we had to go through this season, but at least her reward should be vats of cheese."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the crushing realization of the start of the season begins to weigh on Mr. Newton's life. 

Area Man Decides, "I Like The Idea Behind Decision Day, I Just Hate The Name"

NEW YORK - Williamsburg man Grant Stevenson admitted that he has changed his mind about decision day after the events of Sunday and stated, "I like the idea behind decision day, I just hate the name"

Like what's the decision, man, are they committing to Ohio State?

The Nutmeg News caught up with Mr Stevenson after he left Rough Trade NYC after trying to find a vintage copy of Ronnie James Dio's Sacred Heart album.

"Like I was watching and I enjoyed, but I still don't get why the name is decision day. Like, does it NEED a name? I mean everything is so forced and branded these days, they could just leave it up to the gods, or something. Eventually someone would come up with a better idea than a name that makes it sound like these teams are trying to play NCAA basketball."

Mr Stevenson reportedly had no issues with the results of decision day but admitted "Yeah, I gave it a lot of stick to my friends about how stupid the whole thing was, but it was fun. I just wish that the whole name thing didn't sound like it was created by a table of people who pitched ideas for an hour and a half and then had 145 email conversations about what the name should be before releasing a brand pitch and an all points memo telling all the teams and all the social media people in the league even teams that weren't going to the playoffs that they need to tag everything with the name decision day. But that's just me, I'm an old timey, come up with your name after trying the philosophy out for a couple years kinda person."

When asked what team he rooted for, Mr Stevenson said, "Chivas USA, but don't hold that against me."

Favorite Part Of The Year For Journalist Arrives: The Receiving Of The Gifts For His MLS MVP Vote

"The bribes are here, the bribes are here" said reporter Jefferson Donaldson as a pizza from the representatives of Giovinco and Toronto FC arrived at his office with the pepperoni in the shape of a number 10. "This is the BEST.... BEST part of the entire season... well, except if you are a reporter that hung out with NWSL stars at the All-Star Game this season."

Wouldn't MVP have made more sense?

Part of the annual tradition of buttering up voting journalists on the MLS MVP front, many teams take to elaborate examples to show what their player means to them while appealing to the carnal or youthful side of the reporter.

Meanwhile reporters were sent a pack from Columbus with a detailed information on Kei Kamara's achievements, a USB key and an OYO sports figurine

BONAZA

Reporters say that this part of the year is like Christmas for having to suffer through boring press conferences, terrible buffets, and the ignominy of having to be paid to write about sports. 

"It's only fair that we should receive these items." said Mr Donaldson  "We deserve them, and trust me when I tell you that the junior members of staff that don't get these are insanely jealous. I keep telling them, 'just keep plugging away and hope that MLS gets bigger so that there are more reporters that teams need to butter up'. It is simple math, you see. None of this changes the fact that I'm voting for Giovinco, but damn if that pizza isn't tasty."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when NYCFC sends blood diamond encrusted rolex watches to advocate for Grabavoy for 2016 MVP.

Soccer Fans The Country Over Ask, "What The Hell Is A Swope?"

Soccer fans not located in Kansas City were stunned on Thursday as Sporting Kansas City announced a USL name that was not "B" or "II" bucking recent trends.

Or, SPR to your Friends.

"What in the hell is a Swope?" said Brian Lefevre of Dayton, Ohio. "I get the Park and the Rangers thing is kinda derivative, but I don't have enough time to google and time is of the essence."

The Nutmeg News sourced the absoultely 100% factually correct Urban Dictionary for the definition of Swope and received the following explanation.

This explanation is written by someone who is a totally on-fleek swope.

With the definition of Swope in full flight, fans have taken to the internet to voice their love.

"THEY DID IT, THEY ACTUALLY DID IT" said David Morrow of Kansas City, MO.

"I still don't know what Swope is, but I think the logo looks like the other rangers." said Trent Matthewson of Ann Arbor, MI.

The Nutmeg News reached out to the new administrators of THE SPR and received the following communication. 

"Swope Park is where the Rangers play. It's not really THAT difficult you guys."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we figure out what Swope is and where someone can get Swope on a Thursday night in Twickinham. Hey, friend, you got some swope? How much?

MK Dons Announce Friendly With USL Side Bethlehem Steel FC

Lehigh Valley, PA - Following in the footsteps of the recently announced FC United of Manchester game against Detroit City FC, English side Milton Keynes Dons F.C. have announced that they will play a friendly against future reborn zombie side Bethlehem Steel FC in 2016. 

Future Philadelphia Union stars of yesteryear.

Chairman of MK Dons, Pete Winkelman, had the following to say about the match, "We feel like this is a great match-up between two clubs that have tried to usurp the history of a team that existed in a different area a long time before the current team actually existed. MK Dons versus Bethlehem Steel FC will the simultaneously the oldest and the newest international competition ever fought. With Wimbledon Old Centrals founded in 1889 and Bethlehem Steel founded in 1907 this will be a competition between the two of the oldest clubs in England and North America as well as two of the newest with MK Don's founded in 2004 and this USL side in 2015 or 2016 depending on when you actually count."

The transition ownership of the Philadelphia Union had the following to say, "Oh... right... that whole thing. Yeah, we will get to the whole Steel/USL/Lehigh Valley thing when we get a chance. We are still waiting to find out if we are going to be able to re-sign Conor Casey to a 10 year deal. But yeah, come on out to... um.... the Lehigh Valley to see our competition against MK Dons or Wimbledon or whoever we are picking up to play this friendly thing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Bethlehem Steel come into existence and fans make banners talking about how they are five time USOC champions.

Red Bull Arena Seals Deal For Naming Rights

NEW YORK - Red Bull Corporate has announced, on Wednesday, a tentative deal with the New Jersey tourism industry to rename Red Bull Arena to Visit New Jersey Arena.

Artist Rendition:

Phil, how much are we paying this guy again? $1500? Are you kidding me? He should pay us to make graphics this bad. Seriously? Fire this guy. I don't CARE that he is your nieces boyfriend. Well, I understand that. No, that isn't a good enough excuse. Just fire him.

"We feel that it behooves us to bring in more sponsorship dollars to allow Red Bull New York to spend more money on players and coaches going forward" said General Manager of Red Bull New York (RBNY) Marc de Grandpre. "The New Jersey tourism industry reached out to us with the idea of renaming the arena with something that would be beneficial to the local area as well as an organization that is deeply rooted in the New York/New Jersey metroplex."

The Chief Financial Officer of Red Bull New York, Luis Miguel Garcia, stated, "we think our fans are going to love Visit New Jersey Arena. It remains the crown jewel of stadiums across North America that have been built within the past 20 years as a soccer specific stadium and the sponsorship deal for Visit New Jersey Arena will allow us to build a sparkling financial future for Red Bull New York going forward."

The Nutmeg News spoke with Vic Rosen, the director of the New Jersey tourism industry, who had the following to say, "Harrison is a bustling hub of new business connections and places to meet and drink! We want everyone to know to visit New Jersey, the state of your dreams and with this sponsorship we will be able to remind everyone of that, every single game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.

Man Determined To Paint Tiny Segment Of T.I.F.O No One Will Ever See, Correctly

Columbus, OH - Crew fan Deandre Hanson reportedly was insisting upon taking his time painting a very tiny portion of T.l.F.O that no one will ever actually notice during a recent T.I.F.Osweat gathering for the Columbus Crew.

Why can't they paint within the lines?! Am I the only person here who gives a shit about the integrity of the trace?!

"It is important to accurately and carefully paint this 6 inch by 6 inch item of text correctly" said Hanson "We have to get the details right! Down to the very nitty gritty and the lines. Look at all these lack of straight lines in this banner. It is like a bunch of Jackson Pollock wannabes with motor neuron issues attempted to paint these lines... and the trace, don't get me started on the trace!"

According to those that attended the painting session, Mr Hanson was upset due to someone spilling a beer on the corner of the fabric that had to then be painted over.

"I give my time and effort for this junior high shit!" said an irate Hanson. "All you have to do is look at the important work that I do to get a feel of why it is important to stay within the lines, work slow and paint in a responsible fashion. C'mon!"

Noted here, Mr Hanson's contribution to another Columbus Crew fan display.

Organizers say that while they appreciate Mr Hanson's work, they just wish he would work faster than painting 6 inches of lettering in 3 hours. 

"I honestly think he would be faster if he stopped bringing a magnifying glass headset and his water color art brushes" said Morgan Hughes. "We appreciate his contribution, but it helps everyone if you can work well and work quickly."

Reportedly Mr Hanson refuses to change his technique stating. "I show up for my city by painting this tiny area of text correctly"

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this as Mr Hanson is tasked to paint the edge on all the circles in the new Crew logo in order to utilize his technique to its full potential.

Beef Erupts Between Sunil Gulati and Jurgen Klinsmann Over The Legacy Of KRS-One

NEW YORK - Beef, reportedly, erupted between the president of US Soccer and head coach of the United States Men's team over the legacy of New York rapper KRS-One on Wednesday.

"Not only is Wu-Tang not for the children, but no one should remember KRS-One"

According to reports, Gualti's opinion differed with Klinsmann on the legacy of KRS-One and the feeling of the place of rap in social movements.

"Not only is Wu-Tang not for the children, but no one should remember KRS-One" said Gulati while throwing Anne Murray cassettes at Klinsmann's face. "The rap game should stick to showing their love of whips and ice. It's about being a showman, about displaying your propensity for ladies and the ability to hook up. Rap is not a vehicle for social change."

One of these people posed nude in playgirl, another got a lifetime ban by FIFA, another is the US Soccer President, another is a billionaire businessman who created his own $150 million dollar super-pac, and the other is the president of MasterCard.

Jurgen Klinsmann was aghast at this opinion and reportedly yelled back at Gulati, "Life is free-form poetry at every level. KRS-One was one of the premier rappers calling for social justice even before his comments about 9-11. He also was one of the first, if not the very first, artist to win a rap battle where the target was the other MC on stage. He destroyed MC Shan and his assertion that Queensbridge was the monument of hip hop. I don't even know what to think about your bullshit anymore". 

Sources say that Klinsmann was drug down the hall yelling "Social change can be started by social awareness, you highbrow Columbia punk" before relapsing into repeated guttural German swearwords.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Klinsmann and Gulati discuss the legacy of Grandmaster Melle Mel.

Progressive Orlando Pride Using Lactating Nipple As Logo

Orlando, FL - Unveiled this morning, the logo for the new NWSL side, Orlando Pride, is a victory for Progressive people everywhere as the Pride are utilizing a lactating nipple as their logo.

Milk, Milk, everywhere but only colostrum available at select stations throughout the park.

The general manager of Orlando Pride, Dan Mcown, had the following to say, "We wanted to reach out to a segment of our community that we felt were underrepresented in our community, the breast feeding woman. This is a victory for progressive women unashamed of their nipples and the lactation that happens from them. We felt that it was important to reach out to the nipples in our community and say, if you lactate... come and lactate with us. Join the Pride and lactate for your city. We all have nipples, we all feel the brunt upon our chest of a cold morning, and I think that as a man, I am completely in touch with the idea of what a woman has going on with her nips."

Orlando Pride reportedly considered a number of different options for their logo that would bring women out to the park including a graphic depiction of menses, a woman getting passed over for a promotion due to a misogynist boss, and a woman not getting paid at the same level as a male co-worker. The naming committee reportedly decided on a lactating nipple because the Orlando group said, "Everyone loves boobs, everyone loves nipples."

The Nutmeg News spoke to the graphic design firm of Yankee Plastic Hotel Amalgam Troupe that designed the logo and they spoke of the difficulty involved, "We had numerous conversations about the design of the areola and whether it should be whole or flesh colored or perhaps even more wrinkled, but in the end the decision was made to show a cracked aeriola as this can happen due to nursing. We also showed the areola and nipple in Orlando purple to show the diversity of nipples we hope will attend Pride games in 2015."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the Orlando Nipple Pride begin play in 2016.

Soccer Legend Pele To Offer A Once In A Lifetime Opportunity

Miami, FL - Pele, the greatest soccer pitchman of all time, in conjunction with Subway Sports and Soccer Marketing and Promotions, will be hosting a once-in-a-lifetime, two-day weekend father and son/daughter subway pitchman camp. The event will be held in Miami, Florida on Saturday, November 21 and Sunday, November 22, 2016 at the Florida International Tastemaking and Ovenbaked University stadium. Participants will have the opportunity to meet one of the world's greatest shills in person.

I once scored 8 goals in a game for Polk High.

Pele will be giving his personal Subway pitchman instructions and advice as part of the camp curriculum. The dream camp has limited space available and is on a first come basis, just like Subway, so also expect that double meat and double cheese will cost you extra.

Jose Sotolongo, Executive Director of the Miami-Dade Sports Commission, said: "It is an honor to have the king of subway choose our community to host such a unique an special event. I'm sure people will attend from all over the world and what better place to host such an event than Miami-Dade where we have a Subway on every street corner and a visible decline in Jared Fogle ads after that horrible business."

Subway Tom Mulray, a South Florida Subway staple and the President of SM&P, will be the master of ceremonies and your sandwich artist today. "It was a dream to pitch Subway with Pele as a professional sandwich artist for the Miami franchise back in 1976 when he awarded me with his Subway sandwich knife after our shift by Yankee Stadium" Mulroy said. "Now, nearly 40 years later, it's still an honor to be on the Subway pitch with Pele, the king of Subway. What an opportunity for Subway fans to meet him in person! I'm super excited I can't wait. And neither should you if you want to try our new Grilled options and upgrade to triple meat at the double meat price. IT IS A MEATGASM!"

Pele reportedly stated, "Kids, you've heard it said that you better eat your Wheaties. That's great if you want to play baskeball. But for footy you need to eat your Subway. You need to eat fresh. And practice your cross overs for hours a day every day since you were a child.  And be sure to get a side of chips. And maybe a nice cold Mountain Dew. And add some double meat to that subway. And get an additional side of chips... you are in training after all"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it continues to happen.

Decision Day Looms As Fans Will Decide Whether They Watch Another MLS Game

With Major League Soccer branding their idea of drama called "Decision Day", fans across the league admit that the upcoming weekend will be their day to decide if that is the last Major League Soccer game they watch this season.

I am NOT watching an empty stadium in Dallas.

"I don't want to watch the playoffs, and I'm not going to watch any team other than Seattle... so if they don't make the playoffs.... I'm out." said Jennifer Goodison of Enumclaw, WA.

"I'm only here to watch my team" said Gareth Youngsblood of Worcester, MA "If the Revolution don't make the MLS Playoffs, then why would I want to watch a bunch of other teams hopelessly punting the ball down the field. I've got better things to do, like LARPing with Travelers of Ki'Mara."

With many MLS fans not a fan of the league or the other teams within, Decision Day is turning into Major League Soccer's announcement of the end of their ratings period and the beginning of the "Oh I forgot that the playoffs were on" period which culminates in MLS Cup which is being held on some date in the distant future, probably in 2016.

"Whats the point" said Kansas City fan Hugh Emery. "If we don't make the playoffs I'm not tuning in to watch a failing Vancouver side screw around with the ball until they get a counter attack goal scored against them. I hope that SKC makes it for MLS sake, because I have holiday parties to attend."

The Nutmeg News will have more on DECISION DAY as the DAY OF DECISION descends upon us all.

Worst Team In Major League Soccer Rewarded

CHICAGO - The worst team during the 2015 Major League Soccer season has been rewarded for their 34 game quest to alienate the most fans and shit the bed.

ONWARD: To the glory and benefits of last place!

The Chicago Fire announced on Monday that they won the rights to the number one pick in the draft and the ability to say, "Yes, we really really sucked" during the 2015 season.

Fire owner Andrew Hauptman spoke on Monday at the press conference, "We really attempted to be awful this year because it would give us a number draft pick, a chance at players like Joshua Yaro, and our yearly bonus of allocation money given to us by the league for being a god damned embarrassment." 

Reportedly, the Philadelphia Union front office was devastated by this realization stating, "We tried everything... EVERYTHING to be the worst, but somehow we weren't even good enough at being bad enough to get the best reward! I don't know what it says about our team and league that we were so bad that we were good enough to not be bad enough to be rewarded the most for being awful. However, we apologize to all  the Union fans out there that we didn't suck enough over the season. 

It is just heartbreaking.... I mean that goal... that simple goal... we could have let in a goal... that would have just saved another point from being accumulated. We tried.... we really tried.... tell us that we were bad enough, tell us that we could be the worst, IT is just HEARTBREAKING."

The Nutmeg News will have more information as the Chicago Fire are awarded the wooden spoon and hundreds of thousands of dollars in total benefits for finishing dead last.

Man Celebrates Win By Bashing Fellow Fans On Twitter

WASHINGTON - DC United fan, Derek Thurston, took to twitter after United's 4-0 victory over the Chicago Fire to celebrate by telling all of his fellow fans that they are horrible, non-believing fans who don't deserve to follow his soccer team.

YOU FAKE FANS! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO CELEBRATE A WIN. I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT BELIEVES. I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT DESERVES THIS WIN.

"I tweeted out, 'where's all the non believers and haters now?!' and then I spent the rest of the day finding all the people who shit talked DC United over the last week and tweeting at them directly to go to hell and to let them know that they are really fake fans" said Thurston.

Mr. Thurston admitted that his method of celebration is toxic, at best, and that his behavior is best associated with the pejorative, asshole. However, as Mr. Thurston put it, "All those fans are fake ass believers. I'm the only person who knows how to support through thick and thin. I went back and made sure that every person who said any critical thing about Ben Olsen or the team in the last week was notified that they are a fake ass fan, and that they should just shut up about the team or stop being a fan. The only way to be a fan is the way that I am and that is 100% acceptance of everything that the team puts out at all time, treating every press release as though it is a missive from God himself. God in this particular case being Ben Olsen. Praise be to Olsen. Death to the unbelievers."

Mr. Thurston wanted to make sure that his fellow fans and friends knew that he was the only one who supported the team this week and ensured that this was the case by re-posting all of his twitter messages to Facebook. 

"All of social media will know. No one should care about that 4-0 win. The first thing you should think about after that win is me and how much I care, because I care a lot."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Mr Thurston as his ego grows.

Last Man On Earth Who Believes FIFA Isn't Corrupt, Found

DJIBOUTI - The last man on earth who believes that FIFA isn't corrupt was found in Djibouti on Friday morning after an exhaustive search. Shihāb al-Dīn was the man identified by friends as the last man in the world that believes that FIFA isn't an international money laundering organization dedicated to making wealthy men more money.

Shihāb seen here with friends who think he is just really naive about this whole FIFA thing.

"He just thinks they are here to put on football tournaments" said friend Mohammed al-Said. "HE doesn't understand that FIFA is very corrupt. We try to tell him this all the time, but at some point it is important to just let a man have his beliefs."

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr al-Dīn about his thoughts on FIFA and he had the following to say, "They are, of course, the ones that we should have our trust in. If we cannot trust Sepp Blatter and Pantini, who can we trust? There is no possibility that the organization is just one giant ponzi scheme dedicated to bilking profits out of companies and countries alike to enrich the pockets of people from Europe. We have all heard about the stadiums that FIFA has built in places like Brazil."

Seriously available to rent for weddings and children's parties. 

Mr al-Dīn's friends continue to say, "He will understand at some point. With nearly all of the World Cup's being bought by home countries, the bidding process being a giant scam, the hosting countries losing billions of dollars in corruption and kick backs to corrupt businesses and government officials, and FIFA accepting bribes from places like Qatar to host the world cup, it will become inevitable that Shihāb will lose his innocence and then every person in the world will understand that FIFA is a never ending rat hole of corruption, scandal, bribery and terrible people, regardless of who runs the organization."

The Nutmeg News will report on this more when Mr al-Dīn realizes that FIFA cannot be saved.

Completely Out Of Ideas, Orlando City Go With "B" For Their USL Team Name

Orlando, FL - Announcing they were completely out of ideas for naming a team, the Orlando City SC front office said "ah, fuck it..... we will go with B" for the naming of their USL development team on Thursday morning.

The Front Office released a statement saying, "We tried. We really tried. We work-shopped things for at least an hour on Wednesday night, but Jeff got tired and Carla had to go home and we just said 'who wants to stay around and pick a name? OR.....OR who wants to go drink sangria and throw donuts at tourists leaving Disney World?' We ended up doing the second option and had a lot more fun. Plus, who gives a shit about names anyway. When the USL explodes into the sun and we all have to individually finance the league we will just rename the club the Orlando Aztex."

While the apathetic naming of the club from the Front Office may be obvious, the fans were thrilled.

"I'm a B Team fan!" screamed Jefferson Valenzuela. "I love to be part of the A team. At some point I hope to root for the A team. But right now I'm just going to be a B team fan."

Raul Announces, "I'm Retiring From The Sport And The Cosmos To Play In MLS"

SOMEWHERE ON LONG ISLAND - New York Cosmos forward Raul Gonzalez informed the world Thursday that he will retire at the end of the North American Soccer League season in November to greener pastures in Major League Soccer. 

"I can't wait to play for money." - Raul

"It's not an easy moment, but I think it's the right moment to say goodbye," Raul said on Thursday. "I need to retire from the sport so that I can finish my career on the bench for the Los Angeles Galaxy."

The former Spanish international and Real Madrid legend signed a two-year deal with the Cosmos in October 2014. 

Raul stated, "There comes a time when you realize you are done with the sport and at that time it is important to milk your fame and stature for one final swing in North America with a league willing to pay you purely because people remember your name. I'm happy to accept the money they will give me and look forward to cashing the paychecks and laying out on the beach."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Raul's retirement to Major League Soccer as he comes up with a hamstring strain that just wont heal without significant time spent on the beaches in Malibu.

Don Garber Admits, "I Wasn't Hacked. Some Of You Need To Lose Weight"

NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), Don Garber, admitted that his recent tweet of "Lose 20lbs or more of fat off your body in under 2-weeks" was not an accident or the result of his account being hacked. The commissioner stated in a press conference on Thursday morning, "Some of you need to lose weight."

Don Garber's first job as Airport control Manager.

Commissioner Garber continued, "I've been looking at pictures of supporters groups and fans in this league, and there are some people out there that could use Herbalife's new shake and nutrient system that will overload your metabolism and turn your innards into a liquefied goo that you ritualistically poop out to shed the pounds." 

While it was put to Commissioner Garber that this might be insensitive for a portion of the soccer fan base, Mr Garber stated, "If we want to be the best league, we should also be the fittest league. Starting at all Major League Soccer games we will have a group calisthenics exercise for 90 minutes before the game begins. If you don't attend this you don't get to watch the match. We will also do meditative yoga and interpretive painting. There will be a light tea with a detoxifying colon cleanse followed by a barium enema. At this point then we will administer the Herbalife via IV, Oral ingestion and Herbalife's new timed release suppository. We will all be golden golds with rippling abdominal muscles, glistening sternocleidomastoid muscles, verdant rhomboid muscles, moist serratus anterior muscles bulging with creatine, and long flowing hair. We will be also conducting Scentsy sign ups after all MLS games and I suspect that some of you will like my Alan Gordon dispenser combined with our new Pumpkin Harvest blend!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this from Major League Soccer corporate when we finish our 20 week on-boarding process for the partnership with Avon. Would you like to have an Avon party at your house? How about at our house? How about at Red Bull Arena? Lets have one at the Red Bull Arena! You can call Karen and Steve. You know them better than I do! Well, of course, I mean it might be awkward there but they seem to have stayed friends since the divorce. They might buy something just to compete with each other. 

Well, I don't know about their dog, but I'm sure it will be fine at the party.

Yes, I absolutely think you should call Fred. He would love some Herbalife and Avon. You know what? Let's create a facebook group for this whole thing and spam all your friends! Yeah! The more the merrier! They don't have to buy a thing, not a single thing. Do you have a way to create an E-Card? Do people even USE e-cards anymore? Let's just invite everyone. Oh you have your work email list from 10 years ago that contain the email address of 1200 people that you don't know? Let's just sign them all up and send an e-vite to their mailbox, they will love this! Who doesn't want to get in on the groundfloor of an opportunity to purchase and sell MLS themed Avon and Herbalife products!

The Nihilist View Of the USL Championship: The Trudge Towards Irrelevancy

LOS ANGELES - Local nihilist and all around non-provocateur Jayson Samuelson has reportedly given his view on the upcoming United Soccer League (USL) Championship between LA Galaxy II and the Rochester Rhinos.

One man's synopsis on the USL season.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Samuelson at his co-op housing he shares with five other roommates as he welcomed our reporter with a lipstick stained coffee mug filled with cold Lipton tea. Mr Samuelson was playing Bauhaus over his JVC record player system until we asked him to turn down the music for the purpose of transcribing his words correctly.

"It is a trudge towards irrelevancy" claimed Samuelson to our reporter.

"There's no point to it anymore, there's no point to the competition, to the cup, to anything. It's the championship of nothing. Your team becomes the king of nothing. With secondary Major League Soccer (MLS) teams in the mix, it is the cup of second champions, the cup of nothing to no one"  he said as he flicked his American Spirit cigarette into his Jesus and Mary Chain coffee cup.

"It's all about Beckham and money and celebrity and whoring yourself out for the dollar now." said Samuelson as he pointed next to a yellowed KMFDM poster to a vandalized picture of David Beckham altered to have his eyes cut out with the former Galaxy player wearing makeup from The Crow. "If the league is won by a team that is nothing, with no fanbase, then the cup itself is nothing, much like everything is nothing as we slowly slide towards nothingness. As Skinny Puppy says, 'it's the fear so unclear man in motion going nowhere.' That's where we are, man."

While Mr Samuelson's projection for the United Soccer League is bleak, he also holds out no hope for the game itself. "I predict it will be disastrous. A game of fury signifying terrible play, horrible players and the will to live slowly petering out while an impotent fire spreads across the ashes of the season left to be scattered by the wind into a slow disappointing spiral. I also think there is a chance that Los Angeles Galaxy II are going to come out and try to sit back while pressing through the middle to funnel the action out to the outside with André Auras trying to draw fouls outside the box and utilizing his free kick skills. Trent put it best on his 1992 Broken EP, 'stick my hands through the cage of this endless routine just some flesh caught in this big broken machine.' Yeah, It is just that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the endless void of nothingness that envelopes us all as we careen headfirst into the trudge towards irrelevancy, or something.

Delaware Man Wears Black Rimmed Glasses More Often In Order To Understand Gegenpressing

Wilmington, DE - A local Delaware man decided to wear black rimmed glasses more often in order to understand the tactical idea of Gegenpressing, it was reported.

"Yes, Bill, I feel like I'm already starting to understand the idea of counter pressing and it has only been 30 minutes!"

Roger Harris, a Wilmington lawyer, is free of any kind of major eye issue and yet donned the black frame glasses this morning in an effort to fully immerse himself in the Jurgen Klopp espoused idea while simultaneously hoping to impress that "totally cute girl that works at Joe's Crab Shack on Justison St"

"I feel like wearing these things really connects me with the world of tactical football" said a late to work but feeling fine with his Pumpkin Spiced Latte Roger Harris. "It's amazing how simple eye-wear can focus you on understanding the efforts of the regista in combination with fullbacks to attack the ball. It is like suddenly I have the answer with regards to the struggles of the United States men's team and all the club teams in the world with the outlook I have now."

While the glasses have given Mr Harris a new lease on life from a tactical perspective he says that he isn't taking it for granted, "I'm planning on coaching my nephew's soccer team now. Mind you, I've never even played on a rec league team and my tactical knowledge comes from watching games over the last year and putting on these glasses, but I think a well dressed man with black rimmed glasses will do well as a coach for my nephew's team. Plus the only other person available is a man who told the kids to 'hit someone' during the last drill, so I couldn't be worse than that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Roger Harris and his black rimmed glasses as he gets an MLS assistant coaching job with the Chicago Fire.