Jurgen Klinsmann On Hot Seat After Toilet Malfunction

Atlanta, GA - Head coach of the United States Men's National Team and Jay Goppingen apologist, Jurgen Klinsmann, was found to literally be on the hot seat after a toilet malfunction on his plush 24 karat gold heated toilet seat pushed the temperatures in excess of "pleasurably warm".

"Happiness is a warm ass cheek..... almost as pleasurable as a barium enema, wouldn't you say?"

The head coach of the United States was relaxing his body and surreptitiously pooping at his hotel in Atlanta after getting knocked out of the Gold Cup and visiting the Clermont Lounge for some comfort.

"Only the steely embrace of Blondie and her beer crushing boobs of glory can make me forget about the heading prowess of Darren Mattocks," said Klinsmann as rescue crews attempted to remove the hot seat that was fused to his ass. "While it is true that we did not win on the field, I killed it at the Clermont and I had all the ladies in the place saying, JA!"

While Klinsmann was unable to remove the hot seat immediately he delayed calling the paramedics until the seat was attached so tight because he feared that the paramedics response would not make it to his hotel. "I heard many fans telling Jamaican's to go home, during our loss to them. I was afraid that this basic lack of understanding how to get to Jamaica would carry over to the ability of the paramedics. Luckily it looks like they did understand how to get from point A to point B."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the hot seat of Klinsmann in the coming weeks.

Missing Minnesota United Reserves Found Attending NPSL Executive Clown College

Minneapolis, MN -- The missing Minnesota United reserves that caused the team to forfeit the final game of the season against the Indiana Fire simultaneously screwing FC Buffalo out of an NPSL playoff position were found attending the NPSL clown college and seminary on Thursday morning.

In This Photo: The 2015 graduating class of NPSL executives

"We decided to let the United Reserves forfeit a few games here or there to continue on their studies to become NPSL executives through our Clown College accreditation program." said NPSL Chairman Of The Board Joe Barone. "Granted, FC Buffalo were completely screwed by the simple fact that a team certified to play in our competition didn't have enough players to actually show up, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. I mean they are Minnesota United reserves, they need to figure out a way to have gainful employment cause they aren't making it to the big leagues any time soon."

While no one can blame the Indiana Fire, FC Buffalo has issued a press release stating that they are just happy that the missing Minnesota United Reserve players were found.

"While we got totally screwed because an organization that is supposedly going to go 'Major League' couldn't even manage to field a competent reserve team that would fulfill their commitments to playing a game with honor and integrity while simultaneously just actually existing, we find it difficult to hold a grudge. After all, just because Minnesota United and the Minnesota United reserves are a piece of shit, doesn't mean that we have to perpetually hold a grudge."

The NPSL board had the following to say, "We just don't care. Does anyone?"

In a similar fashion, The Nutmeg News can report that Minnesota United apparently entered a team in the WAKA kickball league but had to pull out after two games because they just couldn't convince enough employees to show up.  

The Nutmeg News will have more on this issue as it continues to develop.

Pioneers Of Equality: Portland Thorns Prove To 21,000 That Women's Soccer Can Be As Boring As Men's Soccer

Portland, OR - In an attempt at proving equality between men and women, the Portland Thorns managed to shit the bed in front of a sellout crowd of over 21,000 fans on Wednesday night proving that Women's soccer can be as boring as Men's soccer.

In This Photo: 21,114 fans trying to figure out how early they can leave to beat traffic while not making it TOO obvious they are leaving. -- AP Photo/Don Ryan

"Our goal was to prove that we are all the same" said Thorns midfielder McCall Zerboni "We wanted to show that we can collectively shit the bed with regards to play and coaching just like the men. I think we stomped it out of the park." 

While the opponent on the evening, the Seattle Reign, dominated the game in nearly every aspect on the night the Thorns fans tried to be happy just being there.

"I really wish that they had a bigger autograph table and some more face painting." said Stephen Brooks from Portland, OR.

"The more beer I drink, the more entertaining this game gets." said Lucy Rander from Beaverton, OR.

"I actually don't remember more than five minutes of the game, mostly because I was talking to friends, running errands, taking care of the kid and getting food. To be fair, it sounds like I didn't miss anything." said Timothy Ponderson of Vancouver, WA.

"This game is just awful, but the crowd is great. I'm having a good time not having a good time. I'm very confused about this whole thing." said Barbara Hawthorne of Salem, OR.

While the Thorns may not have capitalized on the swell of numbers from the Women's World 
Cup, they did manage to obtain their participation ribbons on the night. 

"What we were able to prove is that we are equal to anyone of any gender here in Portland. At least off the field and in the stands, where I was. Just like Nationwide, it IS on your side. Have you thought about your insurance options today? You should look at Nationwide." said forward Alex Morgan.

The Nutmeg News was able to talk to Kim Little of the Seattle Reign about the game and the crowd on Wednesday night and she had the following to say.

"Well, congratulations to them for getting such a big crowd. All I know is that I scored a goal and we won. We are 8 points clear of them and they are near the bottom. But they did have a great crowd, so they have that going for them.... which is nice."

Major League Soccer To Abandon Schedule For Season Of Friendlies

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today released a statement which announced that they would be abandoning the current schedule of MLS teams against MLS teams to have their franchises run 9 friendlies against different teams around the world for about 3 months during the summer.

The Nutmeg News spoke to Don Garber about the issue and he had the following to say,

"We realized that we could pull in 93,000 for LA Galaxy against Barcelona. We aren't getting 93,000 for LA Galaxy v Colorado Rapids so why not dispense with the competition mechanism of this season and just focus on making money."

Teams will now not travel at all during the season and instead will be visited by barnstorming teams from Europe and South America until the interest in these international teams dries up.

"We already are having teams like Paris Saint-Germain, Barcelona, Chelsea, Manchester United playing our clubs, and we have seen teams like Athletic Bilbao, Club Tijuana, and Club America playing in the United States as well. It only makes sense to just dispense with the machinations about the 'club season' and just get down to brass tacks. IE: Let's sell out some stadiums, sell some European merchandise and pack people in for a few months. If we really focus on making sure our product is decent enough to not lose 10-0, then we can really say that we are on the competitive level with the rest of the world."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this change as it happens.

Man Bases Soccer Allegiance On Kits Available At Ross Dress For Less

Bloomington, MN - Soccer fan Jeremiah Glasstone has had a foolproof way of finding his soccer allegiances over the last few years and he shared his secrets with us recently.

"I base all my allegiances upon the kits that I can find in the athletic section at the Ross Dress For Less in the Mall Of America."

Mr. Glasstone admits that he is a Cosmos, Manchester United, Chivas Guadalajara fan, although he was a Pumas fan for about a year and a half til he found a Chivas kit that was in a large.

"It's amazing what you can find at these stores, it's never local things but you can find kits that would cost you $100 in the stores for $20. It's amazing. Being a sports fan has never been a cheaper experience."

While Mr. Glasstone admits that his loyalty is pretty cheap, he says that he has amassed a variety of sports allegiances including being a fan of the English, Brazil, and Spanish national teams. 

"I also was able to find a Cosmos windbreaker, a Sporting Kansas City polo and a Chicago Fire scarf, but until I am able to find a kit in my size I won't start to switch my loyalty" said Mr. Glasstone.

Leaving things up to random, Mr Glasstone fully admits that his local soccer loyalty is up for grabs. 

"I keep on hearing about Minnesota United and their chance at going to Major League Soccer, but until they are big enough to have a massive amount of what will likely be an ugly kit dumped off at third hand retailers before they hit Goodwill, I won't be a fan. I'd love to support a local team, so hopefully they make it big enough to have their kits depreciate to the point where I can be a fan of theirs."

Sepp Blatter Making It Rain For Women's Soccer

Zurich, CH - Sepp Blatter, today, announced his initiative to make it rain in the club as part of a trickle down theory to help women's soccer. 

"I plan on making sure that the females in the game that can't afford to play soccer professionally can now work in a strip club, where I will make it rain just like this for their finances," said Blatter as he tossed a handful of cash into the air.

THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR - IF YOU'RE A TRUE PLAYER

Blatter said that while some might find this policy sexist and exclusive that he doesn't believe an old man tossing money at young women will become a problem from an equality standpoint, "We are planning on ensuring that we have poles for male players that cannot afford their debts as well. I have been informed that if I make my strip club a mixed gender zone that I cannot get sued for gender discrimination. I believe in equal exploitation as long as everyone understands that there basically won't be any male dancers."

Blatter's club will be known as "Uncle Sepp's Tight Pants" and will be opening worldwide in Berlin, Tokyo and Rapid City, South Dakota (next to the Shotgun Willies).

Mr. Blatter finished his remarks by addressing the assembled press corps, "I'm offering 10,000 euros to the first person to massage my feet and I'm willing to go up to 50,000 euros if you are an adventurous person. I have a camera and a van, we can make history tonight."

That Stream You Use To Illegally Watch The Game Tonight Is Going To Cut Out

The nation's collection of people who stream games to the internet who are dedicated to ensuring that everyone who wants to watch the game but can't because they aren't in front a TV, they cut their cable or they just are streaming it while their friend watches re-runs of Bering Sea gold are comfortable making a guarantee that the stream you use to illegally watch the game tonight is going to cut out when one of the teams is running at goal.  

"It's part of our package" said game streamer Hugh Jazz (EDITORS NOTE: clearly a pseudonym given to escape prosecution). "We ensure that right about the time your team runs at goal we are going to disconnect our server and then reconnect again so that it stutters, disconnects and then reconnects after your team has shot the ball 20 feet over the net."

While this service doesn't impact millions of people, it none the less is part of the  ritual of streaming games of all kind through the internet.

"Look this is the deal we make." said Levi Strauss (EDITORS NOTE: again with the pseudonym's, guys?) "We give up our cable and have to deal with some 14 year old kid plugging and unplugging the stream. Honestly, if I didn't have this to complain about I don't know what I would do. What would we talk about on twitter DURING the game? The game? Fuck that."

While the stream is guaranteed to bog down during the game itself, the inverse is true during the halftime show. At that point your stream will be crystal clear and never drop displaying the talking heads and their inane commentary in full, clear HD.

"This is all part of the package" said Michael Hunt (EDITORS NOTE: Ok, that's clearly offensive, there's no way he gave that name..... Wait.... He did? Well change it then.) said Richard Little.  (EDITORS NOTE: Sigh) 

The Nutmeg News will have 

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more...

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As your stream buffers before a shot and during the goal celebration.

Nation On The Brink: Soccer Caught On Video Giving Kids A Taste Of Product In School Yard

NATION ON THE BRINK: The downfall of the United States and Canada highlights the glorious demise of these two countries as they slowly and chaotically fall for the quixotic charms of the so-called beautiful game.

The anthropomorphic physical embodiment of soccer was caught on video giving kids a taste of product in order to get them hooked on the game in school yards around the corners of the United States and Canada on Friday.

Anti-Soccer activists and major league baseball executives were circulating a video released by Matt Drudge and Fox News showing what was purportedly soccer hooking kids on the game by introducing them to clips of Lionel Messi, free FIFA 15 video games and a stack of player signed kits "just to give them a taste".

"I gotta get them at an early age" said soccer on the video tape. "Once you get them hooked on the good stuff, then you start cutting it with MLS, the USL and the NASL. They just get hooked and can't have enough."

Fox News reported that this new addiction to soccer is creating a nation of junkies roaming the streets for a soccer fix. They said you can identify them by the tight nature of their pants, the crusts around their eyes from playing FIFA til 3 in the morning and their ability to name the transfer targets of Lazio despite thinking that no one should support that club because of their ties to fascist fans and players in the past. 

"Strung out soccer junkies are just kicking around everywhere on what used to be little league baseball fields" said resident crank Andy Deford. "This used to be a wholesome country, we used to speak English and watch Louis Armstrong punch the moon from the middle of his jazz trombone. Now we have kids getting hooked on soccer at an early age that are talking some jibber-jabber about trequartistas and registas and Xavi and Iniesta. It's an abomination against our traditional values instilled in us by our immigrant forefathers who left the shores of England to avoid the repressive soccer loving regime of so-called Kings." 

While this video purports to show soccer getting little kids hooked on the game, the fans of the game say that the comments and video have been edited out of context. 

"Sure, kids are learning to love soccer, but what is wrong with that. Love is love" said Duncan Jones, web developer and soccer loving communist. "Soccer does tend to have an impact on the youth and our ever expanding globalization is making the game at the highest levels more accessible to the youth of our nation."

After stating the above rationalization for an army of junkie soc-heads gakked out on the ball and the needle that fills the ball with air, Mr Jones than retired to his bed to think of new ways to get kids addicted to smack-ing the ball around the field.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this controversy as it continues.

MLSPU Salary Dump Launches A Thousand Blog Posts

The Major League Soccer Players Union salary dump is like Christmas, a birthday and a really sad party all rolled into one for the giant blogosphere that rotates around the core of Major League Soccer, and this year was no exception as thousands of blog posts were launched after the dump of salary information this morning.

"I can get at LEAST four columns, maybe even five out of the numbers in this piece" said blogger for NYCFC, Grant Hammond.

"Not only can I write a 'this is how much people are getting paid' article, but I can also use it as reference in nearly every player piece going forward" said writer Jimmy Thompson.

"I'm going to craft a bunch of visuals to explain everything. Sadly, I won't get paid for this, but hopefully if I do it enough for free I'll eventually figure out some way to monetize all the hard work that I've put into this." said statistician Carl Davids.

Meanwhile, the collected front offices of Major League Soccer also released a statement that read, "The numbers you see are all incorrect and you should base absolutely nothing upon them. As well, if you do base anything upon them we will send our people over to ensure that you are embarrassed publicly. As well, we will not actually be releasing the correct numbers that only we know. Thank you."

Wayne Rooney Would Consider Playing In Three Cities "When That Time Comes"

Premier League star Wayne Rooney has admitted that he would consider playing in Major League Soccer when he gets closer to retirement provided that he gets to pick from the three cities in which he plays.

"I would absolutely consider playing in New York City, Los Angeles or Miami" said Rooney through bites of a meat pie. "I mean, I plan on naming my price and naming my city and if the MLS wants me, they will cave in a really big way".

While the idea of Rooney playing for Columbus, Colorado, or Kansas City is attractive to the fans of those teams, everyone knows that Rooney is only going to go to a big market team and his acquisition will likely result in a new rule change placed to allow him to be acquired by the team that he deems is worthy of his service.

"I like the idea of playing in New York, because of the nightlife and food. Then again, I like the idea of playing in Los Angeles, because of the nightlife and food. Wherever I find the nightlife and the food, I'll like playing there... as long as it is in Los Angeles or New York. MAAAAYBE Miami, but I don't know how that team is doing this year."

The Nutmeg News will have more on Rooney's retirement in 3 or 4 years.

Chicago Fire Fan Continues Slow Descent Into Insanity By Insisting "Everything's Fine, Trust Ownership"

CHICAGO - Fire Fan Drew MacGrady is continuing his slow descent into insanity by insisting that "everything is fine, trust ownership" after the Fire's apathetic 1-0 loss to the Columbus Crew on Wednesday night.

"We may not look like the best, but they have plans to make us the best. And even though they haven't done anything at all that would give us any indication of a positive trend and we have objectively gotten completely worse over the last few years, we still should trust that they know what they are doing" said MacGrady to confused people in the concourse after the loss. 

Mr. MacGrady has gotten so fed up with disappointed fans that he has taken to picketing his own supporters by holding up "Fire fans out, except me" two-sticks and a "Andrew Hauptman Took My Mom Out For A Nice Steak Dinner And He Was Lovely" banner. 

"It is important to know that we don't know what they know.  Hauptman is GOD," screamed MacGrady towards the Harlem End at the 86th minute of the game while holding up his two-sticks and berating everyone around him that wasn't booing the supporters who were watching as the Fire struggled to connect passes and do anything more than lump the ball up field with the speed of a rabid jackalope.

"None of those assholes know what they know, what they think I think about what they should know. The ownership are trying, they are suffering for this club, all the fans do is hand over money. I think we should give over more of our money. MORE MONEY FOR HAUPTMAN. MORE MONEY FOR HAUPTMAN!" 

Despite having the worst points per game in the league and an inability to have a game plan other than "Hit it deep and pray" MacGrady is still confident that this will all turn around. 

"People call me crazy, but I'll be that one man army for Andrew Hauptman. Granted he has never won anything and we are just spinning our wheels in the league, but when we win the US Open Cup it will completely validate his seemingly horrific choices nearly everywhere else. And then I will use that information to berate my fellow fans because they are all wrong."

The Nutmeg News will continue to monitor the slow decline of Mr MacGrady and the Fire as it happens.

Elected Officials Beholden To Corporate Interests Question Soccer Officials Beholden To Corporate Interests About Soccer

Members of Congress, today, questioned representatives from US Soccer about how to find and procure bribes that would help them quit their day jobs as senators. 

"How exactly did Sepp Blatter obtain bribes and can this be extrapolated to say, for example and this is totally hypothetical, a state senator?" said Lindsay Graham, Senator from South Carolina.

"When we talk about briefcases full of money, are we talking large briefcases or small briefcases?" said Marco Rubio, Senator from Florida.

Senators questioned Dann Flynn, CEO and secretary general of US Soccer, about the ways and methodologies of a corrupt organization in an effort to better understand how to apply this in a general sense for the senate.

"We often talk about subsidies from corporate America, but these contributions to our campaigns are still above-the-board corruption" said Jerry Moran, Senator from Kansas "We would like to better understand the efforts of Chuck Blazer and Jack Warner. These are men that are considered legends in our industry."

While the talks between the United States Senate and US Soccer will continue, many that are covering the talks indicate that literally nothing will come from this except the entertainment of everyone that cares enough to watch the feed on C-SPAN3, the ESPN8 of C-SPAN.

Bruce Arena Speaks, "I Run This Fu%*ing League"

LOS ANGELES - From a mansion overlooking the city of Malibu, Bruce Arena released a bombastic statement after the LA Galaxy acquired Giovanni Dos Santos.

"I run this fucking league" said the coach and general manager of the Galaxy.

"I have 5 MLS championships, I have 3 coach of the year awards, I have 3 supporters shield trophies and I don't even give a shit about the supporters shield. I own all of your owners, your coaches and your league and you should feel bad. I brought in Robbie Keane, Steven Gerrard, and Giovanni Dos Santos to the same team. I had Pope, Agoos, Etcheverry and Moreno on DC United. I've won both conferences seven times. Hell, the league has only been around 19 years and I was gone for 8 of those years coaching the United States.  I sign the players you want your team to sign. I get the league to bend the rules so that my team can sign them. We need Giovanni Dos Santos in this league, did you not think that MLS would find a way so that we could get Dos Santos in this league? For Me? Absolutely. You can take your 'nice owners' or your 'accessible general managers' and put them right next to that blank spot in your trophy case. I'm already starting to think about back to back championships and there is no reason to think that we aren't going to be ready to compete this year and dominate the next. They talk about parity in this league? Fuck Parity. We take parity out back and pay it to go away. If parity is the Los Angeles Galaxy winning three out of the last four championships, then we love that everyone seems to believe in parity. Your front office has to scout harder, get up earlier and prepare more diligently just to get to the level that we are when we wake up in the morning. Now all must bow before the Bruce!"

Reports from Arena's compound indicate that he was feverishly dictating this screed while wearing a silk bathrobe and watching repeat viewings of Scarface. 

Giovanni Dos Santos To Buy And Sell DC United Roster

LOS ANGELES - New Los Angeles Galaxy midfielder Giovanni dos Santos has announced his intention to take a portion of his rumored 6 million dollar salary to buy and sell the entire DC United roster. 

"It is my goal to not only diversify my money; but, as well, eliminate the competition by buying and selling all the players on DC United and then with every other team in the league until there is only the LA Galaxy left." said dos Santos in a press release.

Given that the Giovanni dos Santos rumored transfer of 7 million dollars alone is more than all but three teams paid for their entire roster during the 2014 season, the Mexican midfielder and national team stalwart should have no issue buying and selling nearly every team in the league.

Dos Santos also announce the foundation of a new initiative in the league for young players, "I also plan to start a Gio's Kids charitable foundation to help pay and subsidize young players throughout the league that are not even making enough money to live on their own. We plan to start with our first player, Jack McBean, and give him a scholarship that will allow him to flourish as a professional outside this league. It is important to give these young players a chance to leave this league so they can come back as a player from overseas and make a truck load of money due to that distinction."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the Giovanni Dos Santos transfer.

Fans Confident That Player They Have Never Heard Of Will Be Great

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Gene Braydon is absolutely confident that Lucas Melano will be utterly fantastic for the Timbers despite never having heard of him or seeing him play before.

"The team is interested in him, which means he will be great. They wouldn't spend time getting him if he wasn't great. From all sounds, he is going to be five times as good as Diego Valeri and possibly double the player that Fanendo Adi is, currently." said Braydon to his customers at his local brewpub that were visiting from St Louis and don't particularly care about soccer at all. "I spent a few minutes watching his youtube videos online and much like every other player that has ever existed with a youtube video, he looks utterly fantastic in a selectively edited and put together 2 minute clip online."

With the possibility of spending over 3 million dollars on a player that hopefully will pay the team back before he transfers to another international club, Melano is currently the most looked up player on Transfermarkt. 

"I know everything about him" wrote part-time Timbers blogger and human resources manager Steven Forsythe. "Or at least I know everything that I can get from running Spanish language articles through google translate and trying to watch the few games that I can get online. This makes me an expert and one good enough to tell everyone around me how good or not good this player will be that none of us knew about until 4 days ago. On a scale of Marquez to Messi, I'm moving him firmly towards Messi by at least 10 Zlatans."

Meanwhile, fan Sandra Rumineto has taken the practical approach, "He's going to be as good as any player that would agree to a move to Major League Soccer at a young age. Which is to say that I'm not expecting Lionel Messi, but would be happy if he could even get close to Bradley Wright Phillips."

Fan Outrage Over Meaningless Accolade For Meaningless Game Brings Out The Inner Nihilist In All Of Us

Fan outrage over the selection of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard for the MLS All Star Game has been shown to bring out the nihilist in all of us as we search for our own meaningless meaning in a world of radically self inflated worth that is really just ultimately futile.

"All the consternation over the commissioner's picks underscore the very fact that the Major League Soccer All Star Game is 100% worthless in every measure save for the fattening of the wallet of the bourgeois elite" said director of pessimism for the Brookings institute John C Scott.

"Even those measures of making money are ultimately useless as we all die and turn into the ground and the dirt eventually melts away into the apocalyptic cataclysmic solar events that turn any kind of something into a permanent kind of nothing after a few billion years."

Despite the upbeat news from Mr. Scott, there are those that still try to couch their concern for this meaningless annual tradition in the realm of actual competition. However, as TNN found out by speaking with James Erastmus (professor of symbology, numerology and phrenology at the university of De Vry) this ideal of the All Star Game is really a cover for someone's burgeoning nihilism

"Their very act of admitting that they care about something they should have no care about is itself a disturbing and erotic act of anarchy. We all know this to be true, that All Star Games have no inherent meaning. However, the basis of that meaning is brooked by those who actually pretend to care in the first place. It is an artificial value, a raised and insider traded commodity. We all know this to be true and we try to force our own moral constraints on the ideals of the All Star Game. The sooner that we accept that which we know, that the All Star Game is devoid of meaning save to make money for those that already have money, which is itself a nihilistic task, then the sooner we can obtain a true perspective in the negative space of the world."

While this all seems like a load of shit, The Nutmeg News has been able to confirm that out of this MLS ASG trouble a new form of fan has come into being, Ecumenical Ultras Against Form (EUAF). The EUAF will assist others in the uniting under one faith of the rejection of all faiths, primarily that of the atavistic belief in All Star Game.  The EUAF will help unite and then disperse all believing ultras into the world of nihilistic petty belief that (in fact) the Major League Soccer All Star Game truly does mean nothing. Their important work begins with the rejection of meaning in ASGs combined with wandering in a circle around a town hall hitting oneself in the face with a stack of uncounted alternate selection ballots for Giovinco while muttering in low guttural tone, "LI-AM.... RIDGE-WELL.... STE-VEN.... GER-RARD....FR-ANK.... LAM-PARD" Once allowed into the brotherhood you are never allowed to enter an online vote for any all star game, even to screw over the members of the team that is your rival as this still inscribes the value of value rather than that of non-value and meaningless trite pap.

And this is something we can all believe in.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this (I mean maybe, it really means nothing) as it happens. 

(or not)

Giovinco Speaks, "If I Knew MLS Defenses Were This Crappy, I Would Have Come Over A Lot Sooner."

TORONTO - Sebastian Giovinco is on a roll. The diminutive Italian leads Toronto FC in nearly every single offensive category including goals, assists, shots, and shots on goal. The Nutmeg News asked Giovinco a few questions about the success of the season and his views on the league as a whole after the wild 4-4 Toronto v NYCFC game this weekend.

TNN: "What has your experience been in the league so far?"

GIOVINCO: "If I knew MLS defenses were this crappy, I would have come over a lot sooner."

TNN: "What do you attribute your massive success to this season?"

GIOVINCO: "Well, I say first that it is my skill, but it certainly helps that players in Major League Soccer don't know how to mark players out of the game, close down on the ball and follow players through the box efficiently."

TNN: "Can you tell us the difference between playing for Juventus and playing for Toronto?"

GIOVINCO: "The primary difference has been that I play a lot. It is important to play and to start every game. At Juventus I was on a team with players like Pogba, Pirlo, Buffon, Tevez, and Chiellini. Here at Toronto I am currently playing with players like Chris Konopka, a player who only once in his career had played more than 10 games over his ten years. The difference is startling. However, the difference is on both sides of the field. I can just run and score with abandon.

TNN: "Thanks for the interview and we hope you have a great end to the season."

GIOVINCO: "Thank you, and in my next game, I'm going to try for 3 assists to change things up."

Hipsters Abandon Soccer As Popularity Increases

Hipsters the continent over have started to abandon soccer as their de-facto "game of the people" after a recent boom in popularity within the United States and Canada.

Social dynamics, better access to games, a shift in the viewership demographics, and more of a television presence mean that soccer has obtained  a grip on the tender social contract that we all exist with, everyday.

Recent statistics indicate that viewership of the Women's World Cup skyrocketed in 2015 with the major soccer leagues in the United States and Canada gaining a small number of viewers as well. Recent tours of North America by major European teams in anticipation of the English, Spanish, and Italian leagues kicking off cranked anticipation to an all time high for soccer viewership and this has turned off the hipster to the sport immensely.

The Nutmeg News spoke to some hipsters about the situation.

"Well, this was my sport" said John St. Claire "I liked it before it became popular. I had Italian newspapers sent over to my house, even during the internet age. However, it has become very clear that soccer has become popular, even if it isn't at the level of the NFL in our country. I just can't find the time these days to care."

When asked about what sport he is now the most interested in St. Claire had the following to say, "Well, I looked around at everyone my age that is young and cares about sports and I asked them all what they liked. Not one person said baseball, so I'm going to jump on that bandwagon with both feet. It's all about Japanese baseball and statistics these days. I've started reading a lot of Bill James so I can talk about advanced math in Japanese Baseball and I'm watching a lot of documentaries on the Japanese game."

At the same time St. Claire said he is trying to learn more about the Yomiuri Giants and the supporters culture of his new team. "they are just more cultured, including noisemakers and chants and supremely organized skill. This is all Bushido based samurai culture, clearly. I watched the Criterion collection of Forty-Seven Ronin last night and it all parallels."

While the trends may have changed, one thing has not and that is St. Claire's love of something before everyone else has experienced it. "Everybody knows about Zlatan and Messi now. Everyone knows about St Pauli and even Dulwich Hamlet. No one knows about Tetsuya Utsumi and Hirokazu Ibata. I'm back in love."

The Nutmeg News will have more on these cultural changes as they happen.

Dropping Acid Is the Only Way One Fan Can Watch FrankLampard Play For NYCFC

Long Island, NY - After hearing the news that Frank Lampard would again be delayed in making his debut for New York City FC, fan Simeon Goddel decided that the only way that he would be able to watch the City Financial Group player would be through the use of copious drugs.

"I took a crap load of acid, had a friend of mine turn on a Manchester City game and just pretended like they were playing against the New England Revolution until I believed it." said Goddel. "It was amazing. Lampard was life, color and taste all rolled into an electric god-being descended from heaven. He played with the power of 10,000 mules and NYCFC won by 36 goals that had the look of raspberries."

While Lampard is sidelined again after his inexorable transfer delay from the beginning of the season, Goddel said that he plans on repeating his trick until he sees the player on the field for NYCFC. 

"If this is the only way that I can see Lampard play for my team, then I'm going to continue watching old replays of him playing and taking copious amounts of Acid until the sky blue of City melts into the sky blue of New York City"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as.... whoa.... dude........ ..... yeah.....

Simon Borg Rides USWNT Parade Float So That Appropriate Soccer Fans Will Be Represented

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer blowhard Simon Borg announced, today, that he would ride on a USWNT float during the MLS SUCCESS AND WORLD DOMINATION CELEBRATION OF OTHER STUFF AND OH YEAH THOSE WOMEN THAT DID SOME STUFF IN CANADA parade in order to have an appropriate fan displayed so that people wouldn't be turned off.

"It was important for me to show that the people who should be supporting soccer (that is old men) are still supporting soccer in this country. If a nation of people only saw women they would know that this is crap because women cannot be supporters. Women should be in the kitchen making pies and talking about tea, not supporting soccer. Without men in women's soccer it will never grow to the appropriate level."

Borg, who was once suspended by Major League Soccer for making ignorant comments on women who watch and support soccer, said that while he personally dislikes the women's game that it is up to men to bring the sexiness to the sport in any way possible.

"Women should be seen and not heard. I should be heard and seen. It's the best of both possible worlds. I'm here to show that I'm here and that I should be heard. I'm also here to tell all those women out there that are cheering for soccer and painting their faces and rooting for sports that this is all dramatically unsexy. We need more sexy. I am that sexy. I bring the sexy."

While there were reports of complete apathy towards that bald and bearded dude that was riding on a float waving at an army of people he categorically insulted just recently, one fan was not so apathetic, "He's a dick, and he can go fuck himself" said Carlotta Smith.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens.