With His Career At A Crossroads, It's Time For Adu To Try Working At A Waffle House

What next for a player who, at 26, should still have plenty of soccer left to play? His only public statement simply said he was pursuing "other opportunities", but sources have told The Nutmeg News that options have emerged with The Waffle House, a growing business that just might be able to provide the stable environment he has been lacking for some time.

The big question now is whether Adu would actually be willing to work for The Waffle House. There has been a sense for some time that Adu sees The Waffle House as being beneath him, and even below options in lower European leagues. That's a sense born out of past social media messages posted two years ago that may have seemed harmless, but that came off to many as being dismissive of the American waffle chain.

While Adu may not have seen The Waffle House as a realistic option two or three years ago, he should absolutely be looking at it now, not only because he has few other attractive options after his time in Serbia and Finland, but more importantly because The Waffle House is a growing franchise that is significantly stronger than it was even in that two to three year time frame. It is a diner that now has the type of financial stability to build stronger teams and has more owners who aren't afraid to invest in their employees.

That may be why multiple Waffle House teams are now interested in trying to sign the playmaker, who enters the summer transfer period as a free agent. Sources tell The Nutmeg News that several Waffle House markets are interested in his services, but it remains unclear whether Adu is ready to listen, or ready to work for The Waffle House.

And what of MLS? Sources within the league tell The Nutmeg News there is scarce interest in his services because of perceptions about his past stints in MLS, as well as the fact that there just aren't many teams with the available cap room and particular need at attacking midfielder to take a flier on a player who hasn't played much in the past three years.

That sort of gamble is a much more reasonable one with The Waffle House, where employees aren't constrained by a salary cap, and where Adu's still-tangible marketing appeal makes him an attractive option. Yes, Adu is still a player who generates an incredible amount of emotion among American soccer fans, whether positive or negative. In fact, it can be argued that, even as disappointing as his past three years have been, he has more fans than most American soccer players.

Journalist Desperate To Get Hot Take Written and Published On USWNT Parade HubBub

Journalist Edward Granderson spent most of Thursday morning blitz-writing a piece on the US Women's National Team parade and the ramifications of what this parade means as it pertains to feminism, women's place in society, sports as it relates to the feminist perspective, the reality of life through an unfiltered lens and the overarching effect of the inclusion of parade floats in an attempt to be the first hot take on the subject before he would be expected to actually do an in depth piece with accuracy.

"I gotta get this shit out, and FAST!" said Granderson. "I've got an editor that is expecting people to be turning out the hot takes on this and I need to either be at the crest of the wave or I'll have to be the guy that 'comes at this with a fresh perspective' which is just absolutely exhausting."

Granderson said that while he loves writing, that the realistic function of his job is to find outrage and report on it in a fashion which will generate page views and clicks for his companies website.

"If you are trying to be the first hot take column out there, it isn't necessary to be accurate. You just have to be first. If you are the second column on the issue you need to be precise, if you are 10th you need to be ultra bombastic. IF you are the 100th, you just need to regurgitate the news item to a new audience. If you are the person who writes a piece in three weeks about this, you need to be in depth, long form and so elegant with your language as to make people call your piece thought provoking. It's a very delicate battle. I, personally, just want to go get some dinner from the grocery store, do some laundry and get home at a decent time which makes it all the more important that I get this piece out first."

Granderson reportedly kept messing up the spelling of heroine, exasperated, and whether there was an I or a Y in Sydney Leroux as he frantically flailed at his keyboard for 2 hours before finishing his piece.

US Women's Victory Parade To Be Re-branded As "Salute To Major League Soccer"

NEW YORK - It was announced today that the United State's Women's World Cup Championship parade would be re-branded as the "Salute To Major League Soccer" victory parade featuring some women who did something in Canada.

"We are going to have floats for Red Bull New York, New York City FC, Don Garber, a float made out of the money that we were supposed to send to Rafa Marquez, and a float made out of unused allocation money from the Chicago Fire over the last 10 years" said president of Major League Soccer (MLS) Mark Abbot. "We plan on really getting the crowd going with our branded DJ K!CKS, brought to you by Allstate, who will spin tunes for the parade route down the canyon of heroes as Frank Lampard and Mix Diskerud gently gyrate in a slightly awkward manner next to each other on another NYCFC float made out of recycled Alex Rodriguez doping papers."

While the United States women did win the World Cup just recently, Abbot doesn't see this as a reason to give up the spotlight in New York City. "Of course we will have themed floats for our clubs here. It is important to seize the spotlight whenever we can and co-opt every moment that has anything to do with soccer in the United States as a whole. Plus, women soccer players can't be trusted to bring in the crowds. We gotta put some lads on some branded floats in order to get the eyeballs on the parade."

TNN asked women's soccer player Carli Loyd what she thought about the recent development, "I'm not surprised. I mean, they were always going to probably figure out a way to screw us out of the adulation that we have earned over the last few months. It makes absolutely no sense to have branded club floats in a parade for something that we did."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this stupid development as it happens.

Red Bull New York Assure Fans They Will Take International Champions Cup Friendly Seriously

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York have issued a press release to assure fans that they will set a high priority on the meaningless International Champions Cup friendly against Chelsea. 

"Red Bull New York is synonymous with taking our competitions seriously which is why we will prioritize the International Champions Cup game against Chelsea over other meaningless competitions. Granted we are playing the day before, but no game means more to us than our high profile game against the English champions. This ICC game is the way in which we prove our standing on the international football scene and as such we will give every measure to beating Chelsea."

While Red Bull New York play in the US Open Cup the day before their game against Chelsea, it appears that this game is an afterthought to the higher profile Chelsea game. 

"We will have far more attention and fans in the stands for Chelsea than the US Open Cup game and we intend to make sure that we do not disappoint them. This ICC game will be a nationally televised event that will ultimately have a large financial gain for us. I mean,  roughly 1,000 people actually care about beating Philadelphia anyway," said RBNY public relations director Dean Granziec.

Fan Lashes Out At Stolen Chants, "They Took Dale Cavese From Us"

Despite the song "Dale Cavese" being used by fans of Besiktas, Ajax, Boca Juniors, Swansea, Lokomotiv Moscow, Stevenage FC, Derby County, Western Sydney Wanderers, Hradec Kralove, and (of course) S.S. Cavese 1919 (just a few that can be named among a massive number of clubs worldwide), new San Jose Earthquakes fan Francisco Corta was upset to find that it was used elsewhere in Major League Soccer.

"They stole our song" said Corta to his 48 followers on Twitter. "Bunch of unoriginal thieving bastards."

Having never been educated on the history of the songs that he sings nearly every weekend, Corta was under the impression that this song was an Earthquakes original. "Wait, you are telling me that nearly every single song sung by nearly every single fan group is lifted from some other location? Wouldn't that make all the songs that we hear sung at North American soccer games unoriginal copies from somewhere else reducing the need to have pointless arguments about the originality of group songs in North America? This can't be!"

Corta immediately took to reddit and twitter with this information only to find out that most people didn't care and just wanted to pointlessly argue about the minutia of their seemingly original songs and who did it first.

"Well, I ended up with over a hundred followers from all this drama, so I guess there is a positive lining to everything."

Sanctimonious Twitter Know-It-All Excited For Targeted Allocation Announcement, "This is My Time To Shine!"

Twitter know-it-all, blogger, faux-insider and information regurgitation machine,Stephen Braden, announced that he is absolutely thrilled with today's announcement of the Targeted Allocation rule addition. 

"This is my time to shine!" said Braden to friends. "I don't know really anything about this rule other than what I have been guessing about for the last few months on my twitter account and passing off as real information to my followers" 

Braden admitted that he is going to scour and devour all the information on the new rule addition and then tweet with 100% certainty about how other people are wrong on the details of the rule. He has decided to do this incessantly and relentlessly so that he can be certain that everyone out there knows he is the absolute authority on the new rule change.

"I'm going to make certain that everyone knows that they have to come to me for all the possible ramifications on the Targeted Allocation rule addition. Despite most of the rules in the league being very malleable, it is possible to present yourself as the expert on something that most of the General Managers and owners in the league only learned about a few days ago." 

Hope Solo Beats World, No Charges Pressed

Vancouver, BC - Goalkeeper Hope Solo was found to have beat the world recently instead of her relatives and crowd analysis has shown that the general public is ready to forgive her for nearly everything now.

The Nutmeg News was able to obtain quotes from the populace at large the reflect the shift of viewing Solo as a drunken violent offender to a World Champion hero.

"She is a legend and icon to people everywhere" -- Sandra Duquense of Myrtle Beach.

"I can't wait to show my daughter pictures of her winning the world cup and hide all the stories about her arrests and the problems with her piece of shit husband" -- Brad Felton of Green Bay

"This is someone who has persevered and achieved. I can't wait for the redeeming Hope Solo movie." -- Jeremy Koenig of Santa Barbara

"It tells me that no matter how hard you try to hit your sister and nephew, that if you win the World Cup, all is forgiven" -- Theresa Alston of Lakewood

Solo's publicist has said they will continue to move to a redemption and learning story line followed by a heavily publicity tour and a few endorsement deals.

"I'm just telling her to keep her head down, talk about the team and let Abby Wambach take all the grief." said publicist Jimmy Franz. "This is the best way we can monetize her new found respect and bury that time that she and her husband were arrested in the team van when they took it and went drinking and driving."

MLS Announces 30% Paycut Across All Non-DP Player Salaries To Pay For Pirlo And Dos Santos

NEW YORK - Major League Socer (MLS) today announced a 30% paycut across all the non-dp player salaries in an effort to pay Andrea Pirlo and Giovanni Dos Santos.

"These non-dp players are never going to be able to go play anywhere else. They are really one step above concrete bags that we use to stop flooding." said President of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot "We hope that they understand that in order to get quality you must pay for quality and that money has to come from somewhere."

MLS headquarters announced that 30% of the total salary paid to a player will be sliced off their remaining paychecks and any of the players making the MLS minimum will be waived, their salary collected and any 401k savings will be dispersed among the other clubs in order to settle the costs for bringing in Dos Santos and Pirlo. 

"This is an important step in our evolution from utilizing underpaid workers to rise the ranks of leagues, to actually utilizing their financial assets and casting them aside for better players who exceed the cap because they are worth exceeding the cap to get them." said Commissioner Don Garber. "We basically got the idea from an extended movie night of Logan's Run, except here we are just eliminating the low paid players that make up a large swath of our teams. I mean, we love players over 30 as long as they are not from here."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as our crystals change to red.

LA Galaxy Players Unaware That Their Form Is Being Dictated By Fans Superstitions

LOS ANGELES - The players for the Los Angeles Galaxy are reportedly unaware that their win loss form is directly related to the superstitions of Galaxy fan Eduardo Ramirez.

"wait.... you want WHAT from me for WHAT reason?"

The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr Ramirez about this strange occurrence, "It was May 22nd, and I put on black socks instead of white socks before heading out to the game against the Dynamo. We won 1-0 and this is when the blessing of the black socks began."

Ramirez then wore the socks again in a victory against Real Salt Lake and a draw against New England before the Galaxy lost to Vancouver. "We lost against Vancouver and I thought the magic ran out. However my friend Josh pointed out that I had also been doing a shot of fireball pre-game before the matches and I didn't do that before the loss to Vancouver."

Ramirez then worked his Fireball and Black Sock charm in a draw against Columbus and wins against Philadelphia and Portland. Suddenly a Galaxy loss to hated rivals San Jose riled up Ramirez world, "Well, I thought we had lost the charm, that wearing black socks and drinking fireball before the match had expired. Those were some dark hours man, but then my friend Hector reminded me that I had also been naming all the goal scorers from the wins at the tailgate before the match and my friend Jason reminded me that I had also been doing a spin while singing "aint nothing but a hound dog" before the matches that we won and that I hadn't done this at all before the San Jose game because I was too nervous."

Rameriz current complicated game day ritual is to put on black socks, switch them out for white socks and then put black socks on before driving to the stadium or bar to perform 2 shots of fireball, recite all the goal scorers from the Galaxy wins, do a twirl while singing "aint nothing but a hound dog", counting backwards from 10, recite a portion of the Emancipation Proclamation, eat 5 hot dogs, and finish by singing the second verse from Juanes "La Camisa Negra" slightly modified for the La Galaxy.

"All I can say is that the Galaxy won against Toronto 4-0" said Ramierz "I just have to keep this streak going to the end of the year and we will see ourselves champion of Major League Soccer again."

Excited Fan Wants To Know When The Women's World Cup Starts

Tallahassee, FL - After four Schmirnoff Ice premium malt beverages, soccer fan David Estrada loudly proclaimed,  on Sunday night, that he was excited for the Women's World Cup to start.

"I'm excited to see the women's world cup kick off and to support the United States" said Estrada at the tail end of a riotous Women's World Cup watch party. "So, when does the tournament kick off?"

A proud American Outlaws member, Estrada spent most of the evening talking about how America would kick everyone's asses while couching all of his vitriol in reference to the wars that the United States has been engaged in for hundreds of years. "We are going to drop the bomb on Japan and really kick Germany's ass just like we have for thousands of years" said Estrada to a shocked group of fans wearing USA jerseys. 

Reportedly Estrada was put in a cab and sent away after making a number of people at the party very uncomfortable but he woke up the next day searching the television channels for the Women's World Cup without finding anything on television.

"Some day, it'll be on television. When it does, I'll be at hooters cheering on the girls."

Players Sweating Their Face Off Are Convinced That Fans Are Half-Assing It In The Stands

With the recent heat rise in the west, more and more Major League Soccer players are convinced that their fans are faking their enthusiasm and not giving 100% for the team.

"It's fine, guys. I'm just working my ass off down here while you pound beers and yell at me to run faster"

"Here i am, running around on the field with reckless abandon, getting stuck in and playing my heart out on the field and there is Joe Lunchbowl drinking carbonated water in the stands. He is not singing, not waiving flags and generally looking like he doesn't give a shit. We respect the badge, we fight for the badge but you just spend the entire first 45 minutes shoveling nachos into your mouth and talking about that dry heat in Phoenix as a way to show how badass you were in freshmen debate team when you had to perform on the road. Fuck off with that weak shit. I'm running on burning grass in the blinding sun trying to stop a 21 year old 1% body fat Ghanaian from scoring, but yes.... chat about your day working at the Diamond Shamrock?" said one anonymous player.

"If they want to just stand there and do nothing they should get sent down to the USL or GTFO out of our league. We are about giving 100% for the badge and 100% for the fans in the stands, but they are just taking advantage of our loyalty and our literal sweat as we work our ass off on the field for those lazy pricks." said another anonymous player.

Things got so bad recently that some of the players coming off the field demanded that the fans return their scarves and clothing as a sign of protest against their decaying institution of support. "This is bullshit. We are the ones running around and they are just harping relentlessly on bringing in water bottles and scheduling concerns. Let's see them running around in the heat for 95 minutes and then we will talk. I want that supporters kit and I want him to realize that he owes everything to me. "

The Nutmeg News will have more on this development as it happens.

OPINION: Surge In Hot Take Acrostics Leaves Mobile Users In The Dark

The Nutmeg News accepts opinion pieces and letters to the editor as part of our community outreach policy. Today's opinion piece comes from Norwood Thurgood, a resident of Shady Acres reconstitution center. We have no reason to believe he ever conducted an interview with Brad Friedel.

"Professional player Clint Dempsey should find a way to not be such a colossal jerk" said

Recently retired affectation indulgent British millionaire Brad Friedel.

"Of course, I wouldn't have done something like that in my day, which was the 1920's

Making our moves on the dance floor and waiting for new Cole Porter releases."

Of all the recent interviews on the Dempsey situation, Friedel's has proven the most

Technical and absorbing giving all reporters a pause as to the methodology and message

In this new world of journalism it begs the question, who is responsible for a hot take?

On the balance of information given, it appears that we all are. Which is of course correct.

Now the main thrust of the issue is to figure out how to hot take your hot take 

& how to cold roll your hot take into a new stratosphere of indulgent self flagellation.

Really the most important thing is to imagine a topic so incendiary that adding fuel

Everywhere will result in the largest most expansive bonfire that has ever been

Lobbed into the depths of places like Big Soccer. This is a location where

Everyone is an acolyte of the one true god that is Ted Westerveldt and while he is

God man in the holy trinity of divinity, we must remember that he also

Attempts the impossible, that is the living troll, the breathing troll, the long form

Troll that inundates the mass of the medula in a way that brings about change

In our lifetime the way Steve Urkel was able to change Carl Winslow's love into an 

Onomatopoeia like oink. IT's all connected, MAN. Benghazi, contrails and associated 

News articles that masquerade as collected conspiracy theory realists!

Timbers Fan Only Loves Tournaments In Which Her Team Is Still Competing

Estacada, OR - Timbers fan Hillary Chapparelle admitted that she is only in love with the US Open Cup and the CONCACAF Champions League until the Timbers are knocked out of the competition.

"I'm madly passionate about the US Open Cup and consider it one of the most prestigious tournaments in the United States until the Timbers get knocked out of it and then it becomes increasingly clear that the US Open Cup really wasn't that important and it should never take precedence over the regular season," said Chapparelle to our reportbers. 

"I also really cared a lot about telling my friends of the great honor that it was playing in the CONCACAF Champions League until the Timbers were knocked out of that one as well. I mean, after they went out it was clearly obvious that the CONCACAF Champions League was a tin-pot competition that takes second place to the real competition that is striving for a 6th place finish in the Western Conference so that the Timbers could try to eventually get a home playoff game. Winning something for the first time ever, playing in multiple countries and having the possibility of playing against Real Madrid, Barcelona, Juventus or Manchester United pales in comparison to 6th place in the Western Conference. "

With the Timbers now only having the MLS season to worry about, Ms Chapparelle is bullish on their chances.

"I think this is the best possible scenario, that the team only has to worry about qualifying for the playoffs. Of course, if they don't make the playoffs then it will become completely obvious to me that the Major League Soccer playoffs are really stupid and not worth anyone's time. That the answer to fixing all of our problems is a single table, not playoffs. However, the Timbers haven't been knocked out yet so I'm still excited about the playoffs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the way some people use deflection to cope with a loss as it happens.

Two Friends Head To Women's World Cup Semi-Final To Find A Quiet Place To Catch Up

Edmonton, AB - Friends Carolyn Smith and Gwen Ledoux needed a place to have a nice conversation and decided to drop in to the Women's World Cup semifinal game between Japan and England to get some peace and quiet.

Ned? Ned Reyerson? Ned the head? You sure as heck don't remember me, but I remember you!

"We heard that no one was going since the Canadian women bowed out of the tournament and it is Canada Day so we thought that this would be a good quiet place to have a long conversation about our jobs and future." said Smith.

"It's actually a bit too quiet" said Ledoux. "I mean, we have had to resort to whispers because we were distracting the players on the field. Also, as much fun as it is to be here, the beer is WAY too expensive."

Smith and Ledoux plan on staying until they can figure out if there is a backyard party that they can attend that will have a more boisterous and appropriate atmosphere for conversation.

Chicharito To San Jose A Possibility, But Only If He Can Live In San Francisco

San Jose, CA - Mexican superstar Javier 'Chicharito' Hernandez announced that he was flattered and interested in the possibility of joining the San Jose Earthquakes but the player has requested that he never actually has to do anything in San Jose other than play there.

"I'm only moving there if I can live, play and do my charity volunteer work in San Francisco" said Hernandez on a conference call Wednesday. "I'll require a helicopter to take me to and from games and practice so I don't have to drive there either. It is important that I am able to convince myself that this move is a good one for myself by ensuring that I only have the perspective of San Francisco and nothing else."

While this acrimony by Hernandez towards San Jose may seem a bit extreme, former Earthquakes coach Frank Yallop fully understood. "No one wants to live in San Jose. No one."

Major League Soccer Announces, "We are really just a big joke"

NEW YORK - Sources indicate that Don Garber and other representatives of Major League Soccer held a joint conference call for all the ownership groups of Major League Soccer to announce the following, "We are really just a big joke."

Don Garber had the following to say, "Despite our best wishes at making things transparent, we can't move the agenda along for Major League Soccer by actually telling everyone what we are doing, so we are just going to screw with the competition and structure of the league until the day that we die to make the narrative one of growth."

Rumors indicate that none of the front office staff of any of the teams in the league had a problem with this except the Philadelphia Union as they deemed that it wasn't even worth their time to be on the league call.

Adrian Hanauer and Merritt Paulson released a joint statement saying, "We don't really give a shit what the league does, we are getting paid regardless. Screw it."

Garber is soon to announce another marquee signing by the league which will be distributed to the team of his choice. Reportedly all the other teams in the league that show solidarity will be rewarded with the option of the prostitute of their choice at the yearly owners retreat.

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this at it happens.

Blatter To Skip Women's World Cup Finale, Cites Lack Of Nudity As Cause.

Zurich, CH - President of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, admitted that he will skip the finale of the Women's World Cup because there isn't enough hardcore nudity from the players.

"I have informed the females that play this game that unless they cave to my expectations of rampant on the field hard core sex and nudity, that I will not attend."

Blatter reportedly wanted the finale to be played in the nude as a way to begin a "Women Of The World Cup" calendar. He also indicated that he would only attend if there was a wet t-shirt competition and a "who can drink the most tequila" half time challenge.

"They insist on playing the game like human beings, and they must know that we only attend to see their form and shape. I have said that in order to increase the tournament stature in the eyes of the world that they must play nude, and maybe even add a mudpit for the sensuality of the event."

Blatter will instead stay at his palatial estate in the high mountains of Switzerland and focus on rigging future world cup bids through his vast network of human puppets that remain at FIFA world headquarters.

Toronto FC Respond To Over The Top LA Galaxy Poster

TORONTO - While the LA Galaxy released a game poster with head coach Bruce Arena riding an eagle holding MLS cup in front of a waving American flag, Toronto FC have decided to respond with a poster that references the upcoming Canada Day on July 1st.

Not Pictured: Bruce Arena stabbing Kaiser Wilhelm in the chest with a bayonet made out of freedom and justice dripping with the blood of socialists.

The poster from Toronto FC will contain a giant maple leaf background with Ashtone Morgan riding a moose  while Morgan is holding iconography depicting universal healthcare, higher educational standards and a general satisfied feeling of Canadian well being. 

"It's been difficult for us to find the right blend of jingoistic belief combined with sports iconography, but we think we have found a way" said Toronto FC poster designer Jeremy Redding. "While we may not have an MLS cup to lord over our brothers to the south, we believe that our perspective on the betterment of Canada as a whole is a healthier way to express ourselves. I mean it took the United States forever to pass equal marriage laws that have been on the books for 10 years up here. They are just hilariously behind the times."

The Nutmeg News will have more on POSTER WARZ as it continues.

As Sure As Bros Don Sleeveless Shirts For Summer, The MLS Season Brings us "The Annual Changing Of The Rules"

Man once used the sun and stars to tell time and direction with the solstice showing the longest and shortest days of the year, but in recent years (due to human evolution) the modern soccer fan tells time by the annual "changing of the rules" by Major League Soccer.

"It must be summer again" said reporter Adlai Thomassan. "This is the annual time where Major League Soccer decides to change the rules without people knowing exactly what they are until players are acquired and semi-outraged reporters vent their anger at the lack of knowledge out on twitter."

TNN Reporter Geoffrey Brandice had the following to say, "I set my sense of time about the world to the Changing Of The Rules. We all use this reset to say that it is summer and that we are now on the long slow pivot back to winter. It marks half the season and the opening of the new transfer window."

Vancouver Whitecaps fan Stephanie Franco stated, "Ah the annual changing of the rules, it reminds me of summer and the changing of the season on the way to fall. Usually the changing of the rules heightens my anticipation of the fall playoff races."

While the Changing Of The Rules is not an official season change yet, this annual occurrence blesses those in the soccer world with the ever insane machinations of a league that just loves to find excuses to confuse the ever loving shit out of people.

"What does the Changing Of The Rules mean to me?" said Revolution front office employee Sherrill Jordan. "It means grills, bar-b-q, going to the pool, and long slow summer days where we talk about how we are going to try to use these new rules to do something before that player just goes to Los Angeles instead."

Nick Sakiewicz Pays Attention Enough To Fan Protests To Say He Didn't Pay Attention To Fan Potests

Philadelphia, PA - Nick Sakiewicz admitted that he payed attention to the Union protests so that he could later say that he didn't pay attention to the organized protests.

Sakiewicz commented on this in an exclusive interview with The Nutmeg News, "Look, I knew the fan protests were going on which, of course, made me want to say that I didn't know they were going on later. You would have to be stupid to not know that protests were going on, of course that means that I probably didn't know they were going on. Or Did I?"

While the Union are struggling this season, because of Major League Soccer parity they are only two points out of making the playoffs, the exact low bar that Sakiewicz has set for success.

"The fan protests that I didn't notice definitely didn't take into account our massive success at not being a complete dumpster fire, but merely just a moderate dumpster fire. That itself is an achievement and one of the goals that we wrote on a small whiteboard in my office earlier this season. 2015 Success Tree - #1 Moderate Dumpster Fire #2 Sign Many Goalkeepers #3 Tell Fans To Piss Off."

Asked about the empty seats at the recent Union game Sakiewicz said, "I noticed them but I also didn't notice them. They existed but they also didn't. It's a two fold thing because our fans are stupid and they should support the team, but they already gave me their money so if they don't want to come out to the game they can piss off and stay home. I'd rather enjoy my financial assets by myself in a dark empty room anyway while I drink bourbon and figure out a way to insult our fan base in a completely different way. It's called diversification, people."