Casual Soccer Fan Afraid That He Can't Go Back To The NFL Anymore

Cleveland, OH - Casual soccer fan and Cleveland Browns fan Jefferson Stephenson said that he was afraid that watching all the games from this past week had spoiled him so much that he is afraid that he might not be able to go back to the National Football League.

"Well, I'm a Browns fan so it was never that much fun to begin with, but after watching all the rivalry games from this weekend and a few NPSL and USL games I worry that I might be getting too obsessed with the game of soccer."

Mr Stephenson said that while he originally started watching soccer because it was on the television and he hates golf, he now managed to watch all the Major League Soccer rivalry games, a Detroit City FC game, and a Charleston Battery game along with the Women's World Cup games during the week.

"It wasn't even like I started out trying to like soccer, but it is just so damn available. I kept finding another person who would tell me, 'oh you should watch NYCFC v RBNY.' or 'you really should watch San Jose v Los Angeles Galaxy' or 'you should watch Portland v Seattle'. I mean, there's just so many games, and they are happening all the time. At one time, my wife came home to find me watching one game on my laptop and another on my television."

Despite it all, Stephenson said he would give the Browns another go, "I mean I'm trapped in a marriage with them, but I'm really worried that the quick pace of soccer games is going to spoil me for the 5 hr marathon's of mediocrity that the Browns ownership parades on us before we all just slip into a coma of nacho cheese and light beer and give up on the season after 4 games."

MLS Teams Shocked To Find They Can Buy Players That Don't Go To The Gold Cup

Teams around Major League Soccer (MLS) were shocked to find that they can buy players that don't go to international tournaments after realizing that Giovinco isn't leaving to the Gold Cup. 

Garth Lagerwey, general manager of the Seattle Sounders, stated, "Wait, so they have a player that is one of the best of the league and they aren't going to lose him for months this summer? How on earth did they manage to do that?"

Buying European players who have talent but aren't good enough to make their national teams side seems like a difficulty under the current MLS salary cap but Toronto FC ownership (MLSE) stated that it was actually easy, "We found a European player that is good in our league who wasn't playing overseas, made him a designated player and backed a truck of money up to his door."

While this new approach may work for Toronto it has been decried by some in the league as one anonymous general manager had the following to say, "Sure Toronto may have the money to spend on a player like him, but we are still looking for those players from Honduras that don't cost very much money who will get called into every single international tournament that CONCACAF has over the next 5 years."

General Managers were surprised to find out that they could even go after players from Argentina and Chile who could be great players in Major League Soccer but where weren't even remotely close to making into their national teams. One anonymous general manager had the following to say, "I mean that sounds great. I don't really understand how any of this is possible, but I guess it makes sense. Out of a country of soccer playing millions, there's only 18 that really get called into Argentina at any one time. I mean, imagine if we could bring more players to MLS that are good but aren't Messi. It could be amazing. Then again, we can get players from Jamaica by offering them the ability to get paid on time and that scouting trip is a lot easier to budget. Plus, everyone hyper obsesses over players from the United States here. We would much rather have our USMNT players than someone like Federico Higuain who no one knows and couldn't cut it with his national team."

Bigot Phil Anschutz Desperately Trying To Figure Out If He Can Use Same Sex Ruling Popularity In Soccer To Make Money

LOS ANGELES - In light of the Supreme Court ruling this morning on marriage in the United States, renowned bigot Phil Anschutz is reportedly desperately trying to figure out if he can use tolerance in soccer to make some money.

As The Nutmeg News has documented in our look at Phil Anschutz, the owner of the Los Angeles Galaxy and co-owner of the Houston Dynamo and man whom the MLS Championship trophy is named after, is a massive bigot who repeatedly used his own money to defeat and combat GLTBQ rights around the United States. Anschutz is now reportedly viewing this Supreme Court ruling as an opportunity to make some money as he realizes that he could capitalize on the popularity of this issue among the soccer fans that his teams court.

TNN spoke to Anschutz about this issue, "Well, I still think that the homosexuals are deviants, which is why I contributed all that money over 30 years to different efforts to defeat any measures of equality in the United States. However, I now realize that there is some money to be made off these heathens. So I'm mandating that the Dynamo and LA Galaxy start selling all sorts of things in rainbow colors. I'm also going to change the PA system at LA games to play only modern dance music as my advisers this is what they like. It's important to me that if I'm going to perpetually be on the wrong side of history that I figure out how to capitalize on the situation as much as possible."

Anschutz has also reportedly signed a multi-million dollar contract with Chic-Fil-A to serve sandwiches at all LA Galaxy games with a specialty sandwich being named after Robbie Rogers.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this travesty as it happens.

NYCFC To Start Lampard, Pirlo And Iron Sheik In Team For NY Derby

NEW YORK - In a classic Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment move, sources have reported to The Nutmeg News that New York City FC will unveil Frank Lampard, Andrea Pirlo and the Iron Sheik in their starting lineup five minutes before the game kicks off in a fireworks and thumping theme song enhanced introduction.

"This is going to be just like when the NWO turned Hogan," said our source for NYCFC. "We psych them out with a normal lineup online but the referees have the official starting 11 and right before the game kicks off the Iron Sheik's music starts. He runs down to join the game, smashes a chair over the head of Bradley Wright Phillips and then "OH MY GOD.... Is that Frank Lampard's Music?" happens as he walks out to Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing'. It is going to be epic."

NYCFC have reportedly installed 32 flame cannons, confetti machines and a large video board over the entrance tunnel to enhance the entrances. 

"This is a classic heel turn for Pirlo and we expect that he will honor the opportunity by blinding the opposition with his classical good looks, suave sophistication and use of the DDT from the top rope on Dax McCarty. Meanwhile, if the Sheik hasn't been sent off for the chair usage, he is going to tag out for Mix Diskerud who is going to wear a luchalibre mask the entire game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this event has it happens.

Furtive Portland Timbers Fan Hides His Massive Collection Of Sub Pop Records In Anticipation Of Sunday Game

Portland, OR - Timbers fan Greg Randall spent most of Friday morning hiding his copious collection of Sub Pop records due to the Timbers playing the Seattle Sounders on Sunday.

"I just can't lose any credibility when it comes to my Timbers friends. Some of them are coming over on Saturday to hang out and you just can't leave this kind of stuff out in the record organizer to be found."

Randall lovingly put away his copy of Nirvana's Bleach, along with Sonic Youth, Butthole Surfers and even his well used copy of The Shins' Wincing the Night Away. "It was hard to find a balance between Seattle record and non Seattle bands but all my friends tell me that James Mercer is a bit of a prick anyway." said Randall. "I spent most of the time going through the memories like my autographed Nebula album or the broken Afghan Whigs record that I once threw at my friends head after he disconnected my AOL chat session."

Randall even went through his collection of old Hip Hop records hiding his copy of a limited press of Sir Mix A Lot's "Baby Got Back" that he had been saving to play for DJ Night at his sisters wedding in August.

"It's important to tamp down on these rampant and illicit desires" said Randall. "I'll hide them til Monday, but then I'm going to just blast a few albums to make myself feel better about this whole deal."

Los Angeles FC To Announce Name Will Be "Los Angeles Liverpool Football Club United"

LOS ANGELES - Los Angeles FC released a statement on the name of their team for their inaugural season.

"We have decided to take a traditional approach to naming our club and we will be called 'Los Angeles Liverpool Football Club United'. The Los Angeles signifies progress and the city where we live. The Liverpool signifies what we want people to attach our brand to while providing a grounding influence in football culture the world over. The Football indicates that we are above using soccer as a naming identifier. The Club indicates that we are not a franchise despite what you hear. The United shows the united passions of all of our fans and the joining of the two cities of Los Angeles and Liverpool despite neither of them having really very much to do with each other."

Los Angeles Liverpool Football Club United are currently taking deposits for season tickets on the outside chance that they get everything together to start playing in the next few years.

Orlando City Inaugurates New Doritos Pitch Side Pool With Win

Orlando, FL - Orlando City inaugurated their new Doritos Pitch Side Pool with a win on Wednesday night. 

Time For A Swim!

"We thought this would be a new way to bring fans into our stadium," said director of Public Relations Ron Johnson. "While most fans are doing outreach to fans, they aren't engaging them to the same level that we are now that we have our Doritos Pitch Side Pool (tm)." 

Johnson indicated that the pool would not only help beat the heat at Orlando City games, but as well the water would come in several popular Doritos flavors including Cool Ranch, Spicy Nacho and Doritos new JACKED - Spicy Chipotle BBQ. 

"We like our fan base to not only see our sponsors but feel a light coated film against their skin of our sponsors for the rest of the day. When your friends say, 'where did you get that odor' the pool going Orlando City fan can say, 'that is the smell of winning, and Doritos Cool Ranch flavored pool."

Detroit City Fan Complains, "It's Not Like It Was Two Months Ago."

Detroit, MI - Detroit City fan, Thomas Sway, had some very serious complaints launched into the boundless void of opinion known as his Twitter feed and Facebook wall, recently.

"THERE'S TOO MANY GODDAMN TOURISTS" said Sway to his collection of 56 followers online. "People just aren't invested like they were 2 months ago. 2 months ago we had full commitment from everyone. Now people just stand on the sideline, cross their arms and act like they are here to be entertained by us and the guys on the field."

The Nutmeg News spoke with Sandra Brookhaven, NPSL Sociologist, Director of Communication and director of the Orange Julius in Troy, MI at the Oakland Mall Shopping Center, who had the following to say, "With the surge of popularity in the area, Detroit City FC is now dealing with the same influx of selfie obsessed, anti-smoke, anti-singing minority that comes out when everyone starts telling them that a certain scene is cool. Much like other North American soccer  teams with passionate support, they are now having to shape their own story around the influx of travelling do-nothing mobs that infiltrate every supporters section at nearly every level in Canada and the United States. Or at least that is what happened on the Dave Matthew's Band tour."

Sway had more to say as he continued his rant, "Granted, I only came on at the beginning of 2015, but I learned quickly that you sing or get out of the way. These new kids are ruining it for everyone with their ability to not want to do anything. If I could do anything it is to go back to the halcyon days of 2014 when everyone cared about the team. Now, THOSE were the days."

The Nutmeg News also spoke with DCFC fan Claire Prescott who has supported the team since 2014, "2014? I wish that I could go back to the heady days of 2013 when the support was new and everyone was in it together, now that would be great!"

TNN reached out to supporters groups for the Timbers, Sounders, Impact, and Orlando about this issue and they said, "Welcome to the club."

Fan Struggles All Day Trying To Answer Meaningless Theoretical Team Question Posited To Him On Twitter

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Sam Stephens struggled all day after having a meaningless theoretical question asked to him whether he would want Orlando City to win the next three games and sign Danny Alves but lose Kaka to injury  or lose the next 20 games but sign Lionel Messi in 7 years.

"I mean, it's hard to decide." said Stephens. "My friend Tom asked me this question on twitter and I just can't figure out what I'd rather have the team do. And what does it say about me as a fan that I would want the team to lose 20 games in order to sign Messi in 7 years. It is just so difficult to figure out what to do that doesn't have an impact at all to the team on the field."

Stephens friend, Tom Sullivan, said that he originally threw out the question on Twitter because he was bored and work and he thought it would be hilarious to troll Mr Stephens. "He thinks way too much about stuff that doesn't make any sense, so I knew this would just cause him to implode in self flagellation. The fact that Sam thinks that what he wishes may have any impact on how the team will perform in the next 10 years is mind boggling. Not to mention the internal monologue that seems to happen to Sam on whether he is a good fan or not for hoping that his team theoretically would lose 20 games for a benefit."

Mr Stephens said that while he has thought about this all day that he isn't going to lose any sleep over the issue. "I just know that I'm going to support Orlando City, even if they have to lose 20 games to sign Lionel Messi. I just hope that Sam stops with these meaningless questions that make me question my own self worth as a fan, it is exhausting."

Tom Sullivan later updated his twitter status to read, "Would you rather Orlando lose all future games against the Western conference for the next 10 years to make MLS cup once?"

Scandal Envelopes Brookhattan FC As They Fire Kit Manager For Soliciting Healthy Candy Bars

NEW YORK - The kit manager for Brookhattan FC, Darby Gilliam,  was fired today after it was revealed that he supplied Luna bars for the midfield of Brookhattan after they asked for candy.

"I didn't know we had a candy bar clause with the convenience store down the street. One of midfielders wanted to have the decision between Mounds, Almond Joy and Payday. He sent me out to make the decision and I picked up a Luna bar. Later in the day, I was told that I was going to be let go for bringing really shitty candy bar back to practice."

Players from Brookhattan agreed to speak to The Nutmeg News on the condition of anonymity and had the following to say.

"(ED Note - REDACTED player name) told him Mounds, Almond Joy or something like a Payday. No one actually wants a Luna Bar. REDACTED wanted something that increases the size of our team. He should know that he can't broker an agreement with a candy bar that no one wants."

The midfielder involved in the middle of the scandal stated, "While I ended up satisfied by the Luna Bar in question, it appears that Darby didn't understand what he was getting himself into. The other guys in the locker room are mad at his dismissal but they aren't about to challenge the status quo of Mounds Bars and Twix."

Brookhattan beat reporter Dale Cranbrook had the following to say, "Look, you play with fire organizing something like this. He should know that if you interfere with an organizations ability to make itself fatter by any means necessary that it will strike back upon you very quickly. While he likely didn't do this maliciously, when you get in between an organization and the food that it uses to survive... you won't last long."

Mr Gilliam released a final statement to the press later in the day. "I do not apologize for trying to increase the nutritional options for our midfield, I only wish that our team and our league was not in the pocket of Big Candy. I stand by my work as the kit manager for Brookhattan and am deeply disappointed in the response from the team."

The Nutmeg News will have more news on this scandal as it increases.

Sigi Schmid Clarifies Statement, "I said I would, 'toke a big ole tree' not 'choke a referee.'"

Seattle, WA - Head coach of the Seattle Sounders, Sigi Schmid, clarified his comments on the referee for the US Open Cup game against the Portland Timbers at a press conference today.

"I'd like to categorically state that I did not say the statement, 'choke a referee.' I was inaccurately quoted and it hurts to suggest that I would threaten a referee. What I stated was that I was going to, 'toke a big ole tree.' Given that Washington has passed legal marijuana, I was exercising my right to enjoy recreational use instead of drinking my sorrows away."

The Seattle Sounders immediately released the following statement, "The Seattle Sounders are investigating the comments on Tuesday by Sigi Schmid. We categorically state that he was misquoted at his own press conference and meant to say 'swipe at a bee.' The Sounders do not condemn or endorse recreational marijuana use. We will state that it is company policy to prohibit the drug use for our offices as a measure of employment."

TNN reporters at the press conference asked Schmid about the possible ramifications of his endorsement of Seattle marijuana and the Sigi Schmid had the following to say.

"Smoke 'em if you got 'em. I'm going to go watch Orange is the New Black and forget the 2015 USOC even kicked off."

Great Saturday Games Buoys Fan Respect Of Major League Soccer, Til Sunday Happened

Sandy, UT - Major League Soccer fans the continent over were having to deal with increasing esteem and begrudging respect from fans who watched a number of enthralling games on Saturday. However, after the Real Salt Lake game on Sunday the disrespect of the league returned back to normal again after a clown shoes move of running and jumping into the goalpost by Luke Mulholland of Real Salt Lake

MLS, everybody! http://t.co/Orv1hcGwZo pic.twitter.com/6eDEs7k23X

— Deadspin (@Deadspin) June 22, 2015

The Nutmeg News was able to speak to RSL writer Isaac Westerbrook on the subject.

"We were subject to a number of games on Saturday that contained great goals, interesting play, dynamic crowds and great storylines. Unfortunately the only thing that will live past this weekend for people who aren't fans of the league will be the hilarity of Luke Mulholland jumping into the post."

Advocates of Promotion and Relegation already started in on the debacle stating, "we wouldn't have players running into the post in an open league. This is clearly a post jumping cabal started be those that want us to enjoy our pepsi cola and eat our wheatbix while not being able to watch our lower division teams battle in an eternal yo-yo of desperation."

The final word on this weekend came from sports trend analyst Evelyn Smith,

"While the play from this weekend will not be forgotten by those who were entertained, the play by Mulholland will live in infamy much like Jose Canseco's headed ball for a home run. Expect to see it pop up any time someone casually mentions the league and in highlights for a very long time."

Breaking News: Hope Solo Sends Honeybaked Ham To Clint Dempsey As Thank You For Media Distraction

The Nutmeg News has been able to obtain information from a private party who indicated that Hope Solo sent a honeybaked ham to Clint Dempsey as a thank you gift for distracting the 13 soccer writers that actually care about her story from writing anything else about her story.

Reports seem to indicate that Solo sent a note with the ham that stated, "Thanks for screwing up, I appreciate it" along with an autographed picture of her from the ESPN the MAGAZINE Body issue. The signed picture had an autograph that stated, "Thank you, fan"

The Nutmeg News will continue working to confirm the minute details of this story including whether or not the ham came with a decorative pineapple slice.

Bearded Italians On High Alert As PirloWatch Kicks Into High Gear

NEW YORK CITY - PirloWatch 2015 kicked into high gear as a random New York City FC fan purportedly ran into the Italian megastar on the streets of New York City. This shock announcement sent all bearded Italians into a panic as stores in Williamsburg were flooded with men trying to escape mobs of Juventus clad fans attempting to take pictures with them.

"It was pure chaos out there" reported Giovanni Buzetti. "A man kept screaming at me that I was Pirlo, but I was just trying to take my kid to the subway"

PirloWatch stalwarts and NYC dogwalkers Betty and Steve Smithman are updating their youtube channel with constant updates and perpetual rumors as they drive around New York looking for Pirlo. "We thought we saw him in Chinatown but it was just an unemployed theater production manager working on a screenplay at Starbucks. We then heard a rumor that someone saw him at Grand Central Terminal but there were so many bearded Italians there that we couldn't figure out who they were talking about."

There were reports that New York Red Bull sent their new mascot "ENERGEE" (the walking Red Bull can) out to talk to people on the street in order to draw attention away from the mania of PirloWatch, however the can was forced to spend 2 hours explaining where the team played and how to get there, instead.

The Nutmeg News will have more news on PirloWatch2015 as it continues.

Breaking News: Clint Dempsey To Be Suspended

NEW YORK CITY - Breaking news from the US Soccer Federation as they ruled that Clint Dempsey would be suspended from the lunch buffet at the US Soccer Federation headquarters. 

Sunil Gulati released a statement outlying the punishment in full. "Clint knows that he went over the line and we are prepared to accept his apology. He has been suspended from using the free lunch buffet at the US Soccer Federation headquarters and he will be required to attend sensitivity training with PRO referees at a company retreat at Meadows Luxury Holistic Spa in Big Sur, California." 

Gulati also indicted that Dempsey will be required to apologize to himself, for letting himself down in a mirror that Gulati uses for his daily affirmations. 

"It's important that we don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Sure Clint messed up, but we all know that the referees we employee are crap. Honestly, the guy had it coming for messing up Clint's night. It could happen to any of us at any time. That said, Clint knows he must suffer the consequences and if the consequences are an aura cleansing massage and round of golf at a luxury retreat, then so be it."

The Nutmeg News will have more coverage on Dempsey's punishment as it happens.

Middle Of The Road Is Fertile Ground For Sanctimonious Blowhard

Salt Lake City, UT - Opinionated know it all, Henry Joyce, has found that being firmly entrenched in the middle of the road with regards to his opinion on Real Salt Lake and Major League Soccer has proven very fertile ground for his career of being a sanctimonious know it all.

Look, he is basically yelling at a free standing monitor for no reason. 

"I've found that being able to always see both sides of the story allows me to straddle any lines of conflict. This allows me to, essentially, always claim that I am in the right and that my opinion at all times is valid." said Joyce. 

"While I consider myself a fan, I also consider myself a level headed man who is capable of full empathy with everyone around him at all times, and when you combine this with an encyclopedic knowledge (obtained by wikipedia) of all statistical and theoretical conventions for soccer it makes me the ultimate milquetoast sentiment giver on all things related to soccer, Real Salt Lake and even the universe."

Friends who follow him online have often said that Joyce is so obstinately entrenched in the middle of the road opinion lifestyle that it makes it impossible for him to really even cheer for a team. 

Joyce confirmed this, as well, to The Nutmeg News, "Having too much of a connection to a team is really the engagement of passion. I like to ensure that I have my dispassionate self fully aware of the game at all times. This allows me to correctly look down on those that passionately state their opinion or even root for the team in a passionate manor. We should all be completely divested of any interest in passionate endeavor. Life is really about finding the middle of everything and perching ones self there so that you can mock everyone on both sides until they eventually crumble under the intensity of your self belief."

When asked by The Nutmeg News why he still has tickets to Real Salt Lake if he doesn't really care about them Joyce had the following to say, "Without my tickets to them, I can't make fun of all the rest of the people who have tickets to watch them. My life's work is pointing out the flaws of everyone else. It's a booming business, especially on twitter."

Anecdotal Stories Indicate There Were Actually 2000 Away Timbers Fans At US Open Cup Game

Portland, OR - Anecdotal stories, this morning, from the US Open Cup game against the Seattle Sounders indicate that there were actually 2000 Timbers Army in attendance instead of the roughly 100 shown on video.

"Nearly every single person I have talked to was apparently there" said TA member Joe Williams. "I've had three separate conversations with people who were talking about what happened on the field last night that I know weren't there."

The Nutmeg News was able to have a video conference this morning with five still drunk fans who all claimed they were there despite not having any evidence from the game last night. "I was either there, or I felt like I was there, or I just had my personal mixologist mix me 5 lemongrass infused martinis. I can't really remember" said Steven Thomasson.

"It was amazing, you should have been there" said Carla Stevens "I mean I was there, absolutely 100%. It was amazing. I'm the blurry shape in the back corner who looks like they are under a parka on the video stream."

The Nutmeg News has been informed that the autonomous collective "Timbers Army Anarchist Front" have announced they have created an order of 1000 scarves with one side saying "I was there" and the other side saying "and you weren't". 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as it continues.

After Evening Of Soccer, Man Just Doesn't Want To Talk About It

Seattle, WA - After an evening of soccer, Jason Isrington arrived home, didn't speak to his roommates, grabbed a beer and went to bed.

"I don't know what happened to him" said roommate Tom Breton "We knew he was going off to the Sounders game, but usually he is really energetic when he comes back. This time he didn't even eat any of the Totino's pizza that we left out on the counter."

Mr Isrington released the following comment, "I just don't want to talk about it" which he stuck to until he left for work in the morning.  

"Well, I didn't want to talk about it but the first thing my coworkers said when I walked through the door was, 'did you see the Sounders game last night', then I realized I wasn't going to make it out of today without talking about it. So I just pretended to have to go to the bathroom and sat in the stall playing video games until they likely left my cubicle area. Every word was a stab in the heart to the stupidity of last night, and it almost makes it worse that soccer is more popular now. A few years ago no one would have asked me about anything, but now I have people who want to relive the loss and red cards over and over and over again."

Isrington said he plans to take out his frustrations by relentlessly acting like a jackass on reddit and posting hateful comments towards the referee on any comment system that allows him to be anonymous. 

Bruce Arena Debates Showing Up For US Open Cup Game Or Eating At Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles On Pico

LOS ANGELES - Bruce Arena, head coach of the Los Angeles Galaxy, is currently having a personal dilemma whether to show up to the Los Angeles Galaxy game against PSA Elite or whether to have a nice dinner at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. 

"Tell the interns to get a new photo this time. Please. Just asking for a simple favor to get a new photo that is actually Bruce Arena, is that too much to ask?"

"It's a really big debate for me, because I don't care about the US Open Cup in any way and I'll likely be hungry, but some of the fans think I should probably be there" said Arena. "I mean, when you think about that savory, delicious  chicken with a smattering of golden waffles against standing on the field and giving exasperated looks for 90 minutes, which one would you rather do?"

Arena has a long tradition of giving zero shits about showing up for US Open Cup Games in the past, so this would continue a long standing tradition for the head coach.

"Look, I can drive through traffic to Carson for the game, or I can drive to Pico, grab some dinner and go out on the beach to watch the sun set and write some poetry. Ultimately, the US Open Cup is a meaningless device to create artificial competition for those who have nothing else to live for, so I'd rather have the chicken and waffles, catch a nice sunset and think about the ultimate futility of man."

Chicago Fire Fans Running Out Of Euphemisms For Crap Team

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire fans have taken such a beating in recent years due to the construct of their team that they have admitted they are running out of enthusiastically terrible ways to describe the Fire.

"We started with 'they played terrible', which was followed with 'what a shit show' and then 'what a dumpster fire' before we just progressed to emoji's that contain all of our pain and sadness" said blogger Kerry Weitz. "It's just been a slow, downward, unending progression of wins to draws to losses. It is really showing the inevitable destruction of life, but I'm not entirely sure that is what sports is all about."

Sports fans in the greater Chicago area that actually care about soccer enough to find and follow a team that is struggling have had to embrace the idea that the Fire are just doing enough to hang out in 9th out of 10th place in the eastern conference.

"It feels like we are a small market team, but I'm not even sure how that is possible. This is Chicago and we are run like a restaurant that needs to make enough money to decide between paying their meat vendor or paying their restaurant staff on the night. I mean I guess it could be worse, we could have fewer points than NYCFC."

Fire writer Damien Jacobson had the following to say, "This team has just drifted further and further away from the high flying days of making the playoffs in 2013. It doesn't even feel possible right now to see where that team went and where this team is going. I suppose that at least we don't have relegation, but honestly that would probably solve our ownership and investment problems by forcing them to own up to the fact that they don't know what they are doing. I've just gone to the thesaurus to describe their play recently and I'm now using a plethora of words like ghastly, awful, grim, atrocious, and scandalous. I've also been playing around with using conjoined non-words like 'shittastic', which describes so much of our last two seasons."

While unapologetic optimist Jamie Bravo had the following to say, "I'm just waiting for Mike Magee to come back. We are three points out of a playoff spot, these other fans are just terrible fans. We have to remember to always support everything put in front of us. It'll work out, like it always does."