Major League Soccer Announces, "We are really just a big joke"

NEW YORK - Sources indicate that Don Garber and other representatives of Major League Soccer held a joint conference call for all the ownership groups of Major League Soccer to announce the following, "We are really just a big joke."

Don Garber had the following to say, "Despite our best wishes at making things transparent, we can't move the agenda along for Major League Soccer by actually telling everyone what we are doing, so we are just going to screw with the competition and structure of the league until the day that we die to make the narrative one of growth."

Rumors indicate that none of the front office staff of any of the teams in the league had a problem with this except the Philadelphia Union as they deemed that it wasn't even worth their time to be on the league call.

Adrian Hanauer and Merritt Paulson released a joint statement saying, "We don't really give a shit what the league does, we are getting paid regardless. Screw it."

Garber is soon to announce another marquee signing by the league which will be distributed to the team of his choice. Reportedly all the other teams in the league that show solidarity will be rewarded with the option of the prostitute of their choice at the yearly owners retreat.

The Nutmeg News will have more information on this at it happens.