Middle Of The Road Is Fertile Ground For Sanctimonious Blowhard

Salt Lake City, UT - Opinionated know it all, Henry Joyce, has found that being firmly entrenched in the middle of the road with regards to his opinion on Real Salt Lake and Major League Soccer has proven very fertile ground for his career of being a sanctimonious know it all.

 Look, he is basically yelling at a free standing monitor for no reason. 

Look, he is basically yelling at a free standing monitor for no reason. 

"I've found that being able to always see both sides of the story allows me to straddle any lines of conflict. This allows me to, essentially, always claim that I am in the right and that my opinion at all times is valid." said Joyce. 

"While I consider myself a fan, I also consider myself a level headed man who is capable of full empathy with everyone around him at all times, and when you combine this with an encyclopedic knowledge (obtained by wikipedia) of all statistical and theoretical conventions for soccer it makes me the ultimate milquetoast sentiment giver on all things related to soccer, Real Salt Lake and even the universe."

Friends who follow him online have often said that Joyce is so obstinately entrenched in the middle of the road opinion lifestyle that it makes it impossible for him to really even cheer for a team. 

Joyce confirmed this, as well, to The Nutmeg News, "Having too much of a connection to a team is really the engagement of passion. I like to ensure that I have my dispassionate self fully aware of the game at all times. This allows me to correctly look down on those that passionately state their opinion or even root for the team in a passionate manor. We should all be completely divested of any interest in passionate endeavor. Life is really about finding the middle of everything and perching ones self there so that you can mock everyone on both sides until they eventually crumble under the intensity of your self belief."

When asked by The Nutmeg News why he still has tickets to Real Salt Lake if he doesn't really care about them Joyce had the following to say, "Without my tickets to them, I can't make fun of all the rest of the people who have tickets to watch them. My life's work is pointing out the flaws of everyone else. It's a booming business, especially on twitter."