"Put Your Flag Down," Screams Woman Who Intentionally Bought Supporters Section Tickets Because Of Flags

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Elizabeth Montgomery reportedly yelled, “put your flag down, I’m trying to watch the game,” during the recent Sounders v LA Galaxy game in Seattle despite moving to the supporters section specifically because of the big flags and atmosphere that the supporters generate.

“I didn’t watch a game elsewhere and then buy a ticket over in this section just to stand here and not complain about the thing you were doing that got me to buy a ticket here in the first place!”

“I didn’t watch a game elsewhere and then buy a ticket over in this section just to stand here and not complain about the thing you were doing that got me to buy a ticket here in the first place!”

“I originally attended because my company had tickets,” stated Ms. Montgomery. “However, when I was at the game I was amazed by all the fans with their atmosphere and their singing and their flags. I had to see what that was like.”

According to co-workers that attended the game with Ms. Montgomery, she made the statement that she was going to sit with the supporters, something she’s done four home games in a row..

“Now that I’ve been here a while I think that I’m allowed to tell everyone around me to put down their flags,” stated Ms. Montgomery. “After all, I pay for this seat and I want to watch the game.”

When asked about the numerous statements that indicate her view may be blocked by flags and displays in the supporters section, Ms. Montgomery scoffed.

“They want to call themselves true fans if they aren’t watching the game? Hardly. Granted I’ve only been here for four weeks, but I can tell you that categorically waving big flags does nothing for your team. Only intently watching the game does this. Now that I’m here, they cant stop doing the thing that made me come here.”

According to Emerald City Supporter member Jim “Bigs” Richardson, Ms Montgomery screamed at him saying, “PUT DOWN YOUR FLAG! FLAG DOWN! FLAG…. DOWN.” during the last game for ten minutes as she completely focused all her energy on ensuring that she could see the game from the tickets she purchased specifically because of the atmosphere the supporters generated.

“I told her that this was general admission and she could move around so she could watch the game easier, but that made her more upset,” stated Richardson. “She kept ranting about how she wasn’t going to move because I was an inconsiderate asshole, and this has been her seat for half the season, and that she is going to speak to the stadium security about all of these disruptions in watching the game. I’m pretty certain that she intentionally spilled a beer on my gear I put on the seat behind me at the last game..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this happens in every single stadium in the United States and Canada.

"The Iron Front Flag Is A Direct Rebuke Of Our Forcible Suppression Of Opposition And Strong Regimentation Of The Economy," States Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Standing tall on their own laurels of stupidity, Major League Soccer clarified that they were explicitly banning the Iron Front flag as it is, “a direct rebuke of our forcible suppression of opposition, and strong regimentation of society and of the economy.”

Where does VAR fall on this spectrum?

Where does VAR fall on this spectrum?

MLS reportedly stated that the anti-fascist, anti-royalty and anti-communism flag is directly opposed to the way they want to run a league as they released multiple statements via team outlets that indicated, “please turn on your fellow fans and snitch to management so you can get someone banned for 6 to 12 months.”


Insiders state that their attempts to convince the league to handle this differently fell on deaf ears.

“I told them this whole thing is a dumb idea that did nothing but elevate the profile of the Iron Front flag in all of these supporters groups, but I didn’t have any money to offer them for commercials so they didn’t listen to me,” stated one MLS employee.

“How on earth it could be that anyone thinks turning fans on each other through an official Team/League edict is a good idea…. we’ve lost our mind,” stated one MLS employee.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league decides to place bounties on peoples heads in order to quell the ever present menace of a piece of fabric.

Off Field Fan Hi-jinks Lead To On Field Rivalry As LAFC And Atlanta United Announce Rivalry Competition For Golden Toilet Bowl

NEW YORK - Recent off field hi-jinks such as pooping in the stadium stands by LAFC fans or cups of urine being thrown on fellow fans by Atlanta United have reportedly lead to the creation of an on field rivalry as Major League Soccer announced a Rivalry Week match-up for 2020 called the Golden Toilet Bowl.

“We are excited to add the Golden Toilet Bowl to the likes of the Hudson River Derby, the Rocky Mountain Cup, Hell Is Real, The Cascadia Cup, El Traffico, the Atlantic Cup, the Trilium Cup, and the California Classico,” stated Mark Abbot, President of Major League Soccer. “Both fanbases have shown an energetic competition in the usage of human waste and it’s time we honor that competition with a branded and created rivalry.”

Insiders with the league indicate that the teams will be playing for a 1/4th scale golden toilet with the winning team being engraved on removal golden flush handle that will hang in the offices of Major League Soccer until the next winner is crowned.

“We are also integrating this competition with Charmin,” stated Abbot to The Nutmeg News. “In order to facilitate some cross branding we will have the Golden Toilet Bowl presented by Charmin during Heineken Rivalry Week. Nothing will get your ready for the Golden Toilet Bowl like a case of Heineken and a roll of Charmin.”

Sources indicate that the league ran a focus group that suggested a number of different trophies for this competition including the Bowel Bowl, the Interstate Cup (ICUP), FC Porto-Potty, the Flush Cup, the Athletic Cup, the Derrière Derby, Smell Is Real, the Asscadia Cup, and the Honey Pot War.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as other fans scheme on ways to join the ranks of the Golden Toilet Bowl.

Humor Website Desperately Tries To Find A Way To Write Something More Ridiculous Than Celebrating Atlanta United Fans Throwing Cups Of Piss At Each Other

INTERNET - Writers and editors for satire and humor website The Nutmeg News were reportedly at a complete loss after a recent report of US Open Cup Championship celebrating Atlanta United fans throwing beer cup (s) full of urine at each other culminating in a brawl in the stands lead to an all day pitch session that resulted in multiple Nutmeg News staff members being reported to human resources.

The good news is that no one from Atlanta can EVER complain about the actions of anyone else from any other supporters group anywhere else in the world ever again.

The good news is that no one from Atlanta can EVER complain about the actions of anyone else from any other supporters group anywhere else in the world ever again.

“What about if we… and just go with me here…. what if we write this as some kind of public exploration of Kink. We shouldn’t shame fans who are just trying to explore things like a golden shower celebration. Maybe we shouldn’t judge until we try to throw cups of urine at each other,” stated one junior reporter who was advised to go to human resources and show what his browser history contained.

“Look. I’ve got two words for you….. R. Kelly,” stated one contract employee who was immediately let go.

“How about we go with some combination of pissed off/pissed on…. oh I dont…. jesus did you see this video,” stated one staffer who was working on changing his in-stadium reporting position from the supporters section to literally anywhere else.

“This is clearly a false flag by the industrial piss complex,” stated one janitor as they passed by the newsroom.

Staff members and editors reportedly spent hours huddled together in a war room as they attempted to find anything more ridiculous than celebrating the US Open Cup by throwing a cup (or multiple cups) of piss at your fellow celebrating fans.

“All we can say is that satire is dead. Satire is absolutely and positively dead,” stated one anonymous writer. “If you excuse me, I’m going to go celebrate the US Open Cup in the men’s room.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as one copy editor runs out of the room screaming, “GODDAMMIT. IT’S TOO MUCH.”

UPSL Announces Online Broadcast Deal With Guy Who Has Cellphone Service, A Streaming App, And An Unlimited Data Plan

The United Premier Soccer League (USPL) announced a new broadcast deal on the heels of the USL, NISA, NPSL, and NWSL streaming rights announcements as the amateur league stated they came to terms with that one guy who was already planning on attending the game and has cellphone service, a streaming app, and an unlimited data plan,

Exactly like this. EXACTLY.

Exactly like this. EXACTLY.

“Yeah, we asked Brad and he agreed,” stated UPSL director George Hailey. “Everyone knows Brad is going to be there and we just asked him if he would be willing to stream the game from his phone to the internet.”

Fans of teams in the USPL indicate that they are excited for Brad’s UPSL Game Of The Week as the fan of the Florida Tropics plans on making it out to a few games this season.

“When he switched to filming in landscape mode it was like watching a Bertolucci film come to life. We are really watching an auteur at work in the world of streaming a soccer game from your phone,” stated Jim Nelson.

Brad, as he is commonly known, stated that he is working on some commentary for this season as he plans on working in, “And there he goes,” alongside his stalwart commentary of, “Oh man, that’s gonna hurt,” and, “Corner upcoming.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Brad stops streaming for 15 minutes during the game of the week to take a call about where his bros Dave and Rico should get pizza.

Citing Their Recent Transfer Acquisitions And Team Strategy, Portland Timbers Owner Blames Fans For Loss Against Seattle Sounders

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson took to the field, on Friday evening, to blame the Timbers Army for the recent loss against the Seattle Sounders as he cited the failures of the Timbers Army for their recent acquisitions and team strategy.


“You are all fucking responsible for this mess,” stated an irate Merritt Paulson to the collected group of fans watching his team lose at home to their rivals. “If you had a more concrete methodology of player transfers and team strategy this never would’ve happened.”

Insiders with the Timbers state that Paulson has long been letting the Timbers Army make player acquisitions as he frequently turns his credit card over to the supporters group in order to let them purchase new players.

“We thought that involving the fans more in our day to day operations would make our connection to the area more concrete,” stated one anonymous employee. “However, it turns out that the fans don’t really know how to acquire players at all.”

At risk, as well, is the fans ability to lay out the team strategy, shape and substitutions as the well known secret of head coach Gio Savarese being merely a figurehead exploded into the daylight again as Merritt Paulson’s father, former Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson, spent 10 minutes railing against the Timbers Army for their team selection on the night.

“You thought that this starting 11 was good enough,” stated Hank Paulson to Terry Williams, 33 from Beaverton attending his first game in the Timbers Army. “This is bullshit and you are bullshit. If I had my way, with my money, we would always win. This is NOT what I had in mind when I told my son he could buy a sports team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson fires the Timbers Army from his organization.

Major League Soccer Announces Ban On All Fists As Being Political Displays

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) today announced a ban on all fists and fist displays as being in violation of their ban on political imagery.

Yes, really.

Yes, really.

“We are mandating the immediate removal and confiscation of any fists at all attached to anyone or any thing in all Major League Soccer stadiums,” stated Don Garber, the commissioner of Major League Soccer. “We will have monitors at all stadiums to ensure that none of the displays contain fist imagery and we will have medical technicians available to ensure that we can remove any attached fists that people in our supporters groups may have.”

Insiders with Major League Soccer were reportedly concerned that actually removing the fists attached to members of supporters groups would go too far, but Commissioner Garber continued his stance against the now politicized body part as he ordered 12 tons of visqueen to deal with the gore from the mandatory fist removals.

“Fists are inherently political as everyone knows,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “If our fans wish to attend MLS games then they will understand that we will need to separate the fist from their wrist using a bonesaw or possibly a radial saw from our new sponsor of Home Depot. We will be allowing fans to check their fists at guest services for a nominal fee of $150 in case they wish to have them reattached to their arms after the game is over, but we feel that this is a small inconvenience to pay for having a politics free soccer experience.”

With nurses and EMT’s standing by for next weekend’s games, Major League Soccer stated that they would not change the security admission policy for their guests to allow them heavy dosage pain relievers or IV bags as this may be used to smuggle in political displays of their own.

“Healthcare is not a right just like being able to express yourself at a game. You must understand that you will obey the rules at all times. It’s not our fault if you can’t make it through a game as you violently expel plasma and blood from your wrist stump. That’s the price all of us must pay for a politics free zone,” stated Abbot to our reporter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Terminus Legion members preemptively cut off their fists in order to be able to attend the next home game.

Phoenix Rising Announces 2 For 1 Pedialyte Special On Dollar Beer Night

Phoenix, AZ - In an effort to stem the potentially horrific hangover that results from Dollar Beer Night, Phoenix Rising announced a 2 for 1 Pedialyte special at tonight’s game.


“We will have Berry Frost, Kiwi Berry Mist, Chilled Cherry and Iced Grape available for all of our fans,” stated concessions manager Hector Villareal. “We are going to have the Classic Powder Packs, the Sparkling Rush Powder Packs, the Pedialyte Freezer Pops and even the classic liters available at any concession stand.”

According to insiders with the team, they are very bullish on this denting the long term issues that may develop with spending two hours drinking copious amounts of Budweiser in the heat.

“We need to take care of our fans so that we stop having to construct a sick ward in the stands in order to let them sleep it off,” stated Villareal. “The last guy just left from the last dollar beer night.”

With anticipation building to a frenzied pitch, Pheonix Rising announced to all their fans that anyone who buys 6 beers in total will automatically get a pint of Berry Frost, now with 33% more electrolytes, which as everyone knows is what plants crave.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans combine Bud Light Lime, Kiwi Berry Mist, and severe stomach distress to make a new victory cocktail.

Soccer Fans Everywhere Shocked As Man Who Says Dumb Things For Attention Says Another Dumb Thing For Attention

Fans across North America were shocked, recently, as Richard Small, a pundit who has a history of saying really dumb things for attention, said more dumb things for attention, today.

“Everything you believe in is dumb.”

“Everything you believe in is dumb.”

“I can’t believe the guy who went out of his way to actively piss off fans from all walks of life is doing it again,” stated Paul Gutierrez of Los Angeles. “Somehow I thought that even though everyone knows Small is a morally bankrupt asshole that he would change.”

While Mr Gutierrez actually believed in the humanity and possible forward progress of Mr Small, other fans just forgot about him completely until now.

“Oh I know he says dumb things to rile people up but I completely forget about him until people re-tweet him into my timeline,” stated Katie Williams of Minneapolis. “So now I’ve just moved to blocking him. I’m not going to have an argument in bad faith with someone who clearly doesn’t give a fuck about listening to anyone.”

Not every fan shares Ms Williams approach, however, as fans across North America gave Mr. Small the attention he so desires as they attempted to argue with someone who dedicates his existence towards being a dickhead.

“I spent the last 20 minutes arguing with him, and he just seems to keep saying dumb things,” stated Jamal Woolington. “However, I feel like if I just use the right argument that despite his 30 year career formed out of saying dumb and controversial things just to spite people that he might listen to me.”

The Nutmeg News attempted to contact Mr. Small who responded from his carefully constructed fortress of pleasure where he satisfies himself with printed out pictures of insult tweets.

“Oh god yes this is so satisfying,” stated Mr Small as he rubbed a print out of a Facebook post telling him how wrong he is. “Oh yes, I must… must enjoy myself with the dissatisfaction of all you small minded people. Only I know the full truth. You common fans are uneducated peasants and only with my full knowledge and intellect will you understand the truth. I am a god because I am on TV. I am a god because I have recorded many podcasts. You will bow to my knowledge.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Small continues to post dumb things shocking people everywhere that know he posts dumb things.

Professional Referee Organization To Trademark "Worst Referees In The World (TM)"

NEW YORK - Insiders with the Professional Referee Organization (PRO) indicate that the group is attempting to trademark the statement Worst Referees In The World (TM).


“They always say you should lean into something instead of pushing against it,” stated one anonymous insider with the organization. “And in this case we think they’ve got it right. We received notification from our public relations office that we may want to review this decision but we feel 100% confident that our people in charge made the right call and there’s no reason to review any of this.”

Analysts say that trademarking the phrase would prevent other organizations and journalists from utilizing the phrase to describe referees outside the organization as the Worst Referees In The World (TM).

“No longer can you say that FIFA or the AYSO or the NASO or the AFC have the Worst Referees In The World (TM),” stated one anonymous referee. “No longer will we hide in the shadows and pretend to be good. Say it loud and say it proud. We are SHIT and we are proud of it! We are SHIT and we are proud of it!”

Agitators within PRO indicate that a cabal of referees have been pressuring for this move for some time as a measure of self acceptance and self love.

“We cannot love ourselves until we accept that we are who we are and that is a flawed person incapable of seeing and calling everything on the field; and, as well, incapable of caring about VAR. We must be proud to be shit, we must be proud to miss calls and we must be proud to overly influence the games to our own capricious standards that change on a whim because that is who we are, the Worst Referees In The World (TM).”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans find alternative, royalty free ways to voice their displeasure.

Major League Soccer Announces Mandatory Recitation Of Pledge Of Allegiance Before All Future Games

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that all attendees to future games would be required to recite the Pledge Of Allegiance to the United States of America and Major League Soccer before kick off.



“We feel that it is our patriotic duty to show that we are patriotic and we have a duty,” stated Commissioner Don Garber. “It is important for everyone to know that our fanbases aren’t about politics, they are about enforced participation in the national anthem and pledge of allegiance of the United States of America.”

According to league insiders, even Canadian fans will be required to stand and participate in the pledge of allegiance as Commissioner Garber stated, “When President Trump finally invades Canada to take their oil and hotel rights our formerly Canadian fans will welcome the troops as the apolitical freedom fighters they pretend to be.”

An advanced copy of the MLS Pledge Of Allegiance indicates that there are some subtle changes to the overall pledge as the words were tailored to fit a soccer audience.

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and Major League Soccer for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all, and no political signs in the stadium."

“The game will start with the march out to the field,” stated Mark Abbot, president of Major League Soccer. “Then we will have the singing of only the anthem of the United States by all people in the stadium in a respectful fashion with no political protests, kneeling or sitting followed by the pledge of allegiance. This is a non political and very patriotic league dedicated towards the elimination of politics in sports and the funneling of money to the league by the fleshy things that have the wallets and tickets in the stands.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Garber states, “white supremacists buy tickets too!”

Canadian Premier League Announces Expansion To Buffalo, New York

Buffalo, NY - The commissioner of the Canadian Premier League David Clanachan announced today that the fledgling league would be expanding to Buffalo, New York as the CPL signifies their interest in becoming an international soccer force.


“We are excited and thrilled with the interest that’s been shown in the CPL from Buffalo and the greater soccer community,” stated Clanachan from a press conference in the palatial ballroom of the Buffalo Airport Red Roof Inn. “Buffalo is practically south Toronto anyway so we expect there to be some cultural similarities with a big pinch of anger.”

Insiders with the Canadian Premier League state that the league was courted by a number of franchises including Red Deer, Nelson, Timmins, Fort Hope, Lebel-sur-Quevillon, La Romaine, and the Fighting Whalers of Port-Menier, Anticosti Island.

Experts with the CPL indicate that they expect the team name to be Niagara Falls FC and to begin play during the 2021 season.

“We believe Buffalo to be a great fit for our league,” stated Clanachan to The Nutmeg News. “Why every day we are seemingly inundated with Americans asking about Canada, how easy it is to travel, where can they get inexpensive drugs they can’t get in the United States, what our health insurance situation really is like, and how easy it is to immigrate. We expect the local derby between Buffalo and Forge FC to really be something to talk about.”

While the league touts their new expansion, some within the CPL are worried that the expansion into the United States will cause issues with international players, however Clanachan dismissed those problems as solvable.

“Niagra Falls FC will be able to carry a number of non-Canadian players in order to connect with their local community, but will still be required to have a minimum of six Canadian starters per game.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the department of Homeland Security issue alerts about defecting American players.

Real Salt Lake Fan Concerned That He Isn't Devastated Enough After Home Loss Compared To Other Fans

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake fan Paul Alvarez reportedly felt concerned, on Monday morning, that he wasn’t devastated enough from the recent home loss to Los Angeles FC (LAFC) after a number of his friends expressed their levels of pain in person and on social media.

This is SOME kind of graphic mashup!

This is SOME kind of graphic mashup!

“I honestly felt like I had a good time at the game and I don’t really know what’s wrong with me,” stated Alvarez to The Nutmeg News. “Everyone else was talking about drinking their sorrows away and that they were utterly devastated, but I thought that it was fun to catch up with Dez and Will, have a few beers, and cheer for my team. I’m pretty devastated that I’m not devastated. Seriously, what is wrong with me! I’m clearly a horrible fan.”

Anonymous fans who have tickets alongside Mr. Alvarez were crushed to find out that he had a good time at the game as they stated, “I thought he was a real fan. Real fans are absolutely gutted when their team loses and gloating insufferable dickheads when they win.”

Good friend Will Brampton stated that he was shocked to hear that Mr. Alvarez had a good time as he stated, “that fucking game, man. Jesus. I … you know I just can’t with that game, and that fucking Vela just diving and whining and look, if Paul can’t even see that and get pissed then he needs to have his head checked. I literally kicked a trashcan on my way out of the stadium. Oh, Paul was fine? PAUL was FINE? You know what? I just can’t.”

According to Mr. Alvarez, ever since he quit drinking at the stadium and stopped going online to see other peoples opinions of the game he has seen his rage plummet overall to the point where he isn’t even certain that he should be called a real fan anymore.

“All of my friends that are real passionate fans are living each kick by the team to the point where they are almost having an embolism, but I feel like I always enjoy going. Sure I’m upset when they lose but I just don’t let it ruin my day. How good of a fan can I be if am not weeping myself to sleep over this loss?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Alvarez fakes his disappointment during the next loss as he halfheartedly throws a pretzel to the ground in an attempt at mock outrage.

"I Don't Understand Why I Can't Go To A Game Without Hearing About Politics," States D.C. United Fan Wearing 2019 Military Camo Kit With Leidos Sponsorship And American Flag Patch

Chevy Chase, MD - D.C. United fan Darryl Williams complained that, “I don’t understand why I can’t go to a game without hearing about politics,” as he wore his 2019 D.C. United Military Camouflage kit emblazoned with current kit sponsor and United States Department Of Defense/US Army facilitator Leidos and an American flag sleeve patch.

Regardless of your politics this is an absolute fashion crime against humanity.

Regardless of your politics this is an absolute fashion crime against humanity.

“I just want to go back to the no politics old times where we all would gather in Robert Francis Kennedy stadium and sing the national anthem for our team and we had MasterCard on the kit. Remember when United was owned by whoever owned Washington Soccer L.P.? Oh yes, I remember the days before politics were everywhere.”

Williams stated that he is tired of, “identity politics being forced upon me,” as he was forced to deal with the fact that other fans around him actually are people that he dislikes when he attends games.

“I’m not racist, I ate the puppyusas they sold. I liked Etcheverry. He was one of the good ones. All of our soccer players were always legal, you see. I just don’t want my nose rubbed in all this commie antifer stuff. Oh great, so you are gay, well shouldn’t I get a straight pride day at the stadium? What about me and what I want when I attend a soccer game? Shouldn’t it be more about me?”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams posts that back the 70’s no one talked about politics in sports ever despite being born in 1971.

Atlanta United Crowned Champion Of North America After Winning One Game Ad-Hoc Tournament At Home

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United were crowned Champion Of North America after winning a one game ad-hoc tournament at home, on Wednesday.


“We really suffered through this tournament,” stated Atlanta fan Theo Williams. “From the moment I heard about it Tuesday to the moment we won it on Wednesday I was absolutely gripped.”

Sportswriters employed by the league talked about the great result as they crowned the new North American champions with superlatives they were last using on Los Angeles Football Club about one week ago.

“The best team in the region,” stated Barry Weiss, contributor to MLS and field reporter for the Sporting Journals Of Western Marietta.

“By far the single greatest result in Major League Soccer in one game tournaments that was just recently started by a team playing a Mexican team at home during the middle of the season,” stated Larry O’Donnel Of Kickturns! A ‘zine for middle aged swimmers. “I attended due to the availability of tickets on the secondary market and let me tell you, this was the best final I’ve ever seen as it was the only final I’ve ever watched.”

League historians indicate that this is the first time that a team in Major League Soccer has beaten a team from Liga MX in a final since 1998 as they lauded the tenacity and approach of Atlanta United and Frank de Boer.

“They had a tough road to the final,” stated Steve Williams Of Major League Soccer Soccer Dot com. “But they made the final, which was the only game of the tournament, and really showed their class in winning the trophy.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as writers turn their attention to LAFC again as they crown them the best team in the league, again.

Detroit City FC Fan Watches MLS Game with Lights Off, Blinds Closed

HAMTRAMCK, MI — A local fan of Detroit City FC (DCFC), speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed to Nutmeg News that they watched last Saturday’s Toronto/Orlando Major League Soccer match, attempting to avoid detection by turning off the lights and closing their blinds.

No one must know.      No one.

No one must know.

No one.

“I’m kind of a Toronto FC fan,” the unnamed fan confessed. “I love going to Toronto and I really got into them when they won the treble. Giovinco was amazing that year and it was fun to watch the national team players.” After looking around, they added under their breath, “I wish we could watch players like that every week.”

The fan spent the previous week bolstering their alibi by talking up a fictitious weekend camping trip to the UP to any fellow DCFC fan within earshot, even posting photos of a past camping trip on social media during the game. “Going out of cell range,” said one post around the 30th minute, “Looking forward to getting off the grid. See you next week. ✌️”

“There was one time when the mailman came and I think he heard me,” said the fan, “But then when I saw him this week I commented about the housesitter I had, and I think he bought it. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I will always love DCFC first and foremost, but it’s nice to have a top flight team to support, and of course I’m not going to cheer for Columbus or Cincinnati. I can’t wait to get back to Keyworth. There’s nothing else like it. But, you know, if we ever got an MLS team….” Their voice trailed off.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Northern Guard opens an investigation into the traitor in the ranks.

Don Garber Orders Revolution To Change Name Citing League Politics Policy

NEW YORK - Don Garber, the Commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), reportedly ordered the New England Revolution to change their name citing the MLS politics policy.

Here we see the brave police force of the British army dealing with the antifa menace in the colonies.

Here we see the brave police force of the British army dealing with the antifa menace in the colonies.

"There were very fine people on both sides of that war, and i think people come to the stadium to forget about things like the stamp act,” stated Garber to a collection of regional reporters. “We aren't here to make judgments about the price of tea. Only that dangerous tea dumping antifa members should not be memorialized in the stands or with our franchise names.”

The Revolution name ran afoul of the new league politics policy that states that anything political at all can be taken down, removed or changed at the whim of the people in charge of the stadium and league based upon a loose set of eternally moving goalposts that are infrequently informed upon and radically changed.

“You know there is very solid information that those early revolutionary red-white-and blue block antifa members put quick dry cement in the tea that they threw in the face of Boston harbor,” stated Garber to reporters. “We can’t have Revolutionary identities and ideals giving pause to lauding of great men like Benedict Arnold and Charles Cornwallis. Our fans want to watch a game of soccer, not take sides regarding who wronged whom in the Incident on King Street,”

With the Revolution now required to change their name, Garber indicated that they may change it to something inspirational and vaguely corporate as he suggested that there was a potential partnership with Shasta to make the switch to the New England Diet Root Beer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber bans the mention of antifa terrorist Paul Revere from two-sticks and banners.

Atlanta United Encourage Expelled Fans To Come Back, Join The Family, Unite Together And Bring Banners In Support Of Gun Violence

Atlanta, GA - Major League Soccer franchise Atlanta United reached out to fans they expelled for bringing, “signs against the US Government,” stating that they want them to come back, join the family, unite together, and bring some banners in support of gun violence which would then show their support of the US Government at the next home game.

“We deeply regret that Atlanta United fans had to learn this lesson, but you don’t go against the prevailing United States government,” stated S.A.F.E Management managing director Aaron Schmitt. “We were tasked by Atlanta United and Major League Soccer to remove any banners they deem political and we all know that being against racism, against fascism and against gun violence is the exact opposite of the current administration in the White House. Therefore, being against mass murder and being against cheap fear mongering racism is currently not allowed in the stands. We want Atlanta United fans to bring signs like “build a wall and keep out the Mexicans,’ and, ‘start gun violence,’ or, ‘ICE is nice,’ would be very appropriate.”

Major League Soccer refused to comment on the matter, but one insider stated that the league is against anti-racism and anti-gun violence banners as they view them as being political in nature.

“What’s a little racism and gun violence between friends,” stated one MLS insider. “We don’t want our fanbase speaking out, because if they say they are AGAINST racism then we absolutely need to make certain that we create a space for racist people to say and do racist things to our fans. We have to reach out to those racists and make certain they are welcome. It just makes for a long day. In the end, we want people supporting the government, singing the national anthem, carrying fully automatic guns with massively over-sized clips, signing up for the military, and not protesting gun violence.”

With some fans involved in protesting gun violence and racism getting one year bans for simply showing a sign or video taping S.A.F.E officials assaulting fans in the stands, supporters are now wary of what the future holds as they state, “All I did was video tape one of our security guards and now I’m banned for a year? Thanks Arthur Blank.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atlanta United and MLS stick their head further and further and further into the sand.

"I'm Not Burned Out.... I've Just Made My Entire Life About Soccer And Feel Kinda Dead Inside," States Supporters Group Vice-President

NEW YORK - Supporters Group Vice-President Jared O’Neil stated, “I’m not burned out… I’ve just made made my entire life about soccer and feel kinda dead inside,” as he unenthusiastically went through the motions to prepare for another home game this weekend.


Friends state that while O’Neil is a fixture at games and always available to chat about the team online or in person that his overall energy and passion for everything seems a bit diminished in recent years.

“He’s just kinda down some of the time,” stated new fan Derrick Borders. “It definitely makes me re-think my decision regarding being more involved in the group.”

O’Neil stated that the constant drama involved in dealing with the league, fellow fans, other supporters and security every single day of every single season finally swelled to an elegant crescendo when he was appointed to be the vice-president of his group. “It was something I wanted for some time and when I got it I realized that I managed to transition my passion into essentially a full time job. Now, instead of going to the game to relax I’m basically working most of the time. The last time I enjoyed I game was because I got absolutely shit faced and told everyone that I wasn’t going to help if they had a problem.”

Mr. O’Neil was then pulled away to mediate a dispute over the cost analysis of t-shirts and whether the pricing they were getting on a product was too high. He was also then delayed to coming back for this interview because his presence was requested to be on a conference call regarding the security of an upcoming away game, and he had a call with the president and treasurer of the supporters group in order to figure out domain registration fees and a non-profit charity that the group is trying to get started.

“I guess I didn’t think about it until too late, but my life went from soccer as a passionate hobby to soccer as a second job,” stated O’Neill as he packed up t-shirt orders for shipping. “I remember when all this was about drinking beer in the stands with my friends, but going to the games now are just a reminder of all the work I need to do when the game gets done.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as O’Neil considers giving up his season tickets after his 2 year term as vice-president ends.

"No, Tony. Look Around You! Nobody Here Wants To Play Premier League Fantasy Soccer"

Santa Fe, NM - Speaking to a collected group of friends there for Tony Delong’s well being, good friend Randall Hughes stated categorically, “No, Tony. Look around you! Nobody here wants to play Premier League fantasy soccer.”


Friends decided to have an intervention for Mr. Delong after a sixth consecutive year of the soccer fan peppering everyone’s social media feed, text messages and emails with suggestions, requests and pleading demands to really get involved in Premier League Fantasy Soccer.

“Goddammit, NO,” stated good friend Heather Brom. “Tony, seriously… It’s been six years of asking and no one… NO ONE IN YOUR FRIEND GROUP WANTS TO PLAY PREMIER LEAGUE FANTASY SOCCER.”

According to friends at the meeting, Delong stared at the ground as he nervously tapped a magazine detailing all the best key pickups for his fantasy team, “You’ll Giroud The Day You Played Me.”

"We love you, we all love you. This needs to stop,” stated ex-girlfriend Karen Hamilton. “When we broke up we both said that we wanted to stay friends, but the only thing you’ve done recently is spam my timeline on Facebook asking me if I want to sign up for your Fantasy Soccer League. I DO NOT, TONY.”

Friends state that they think their message finally got through to Delong, but the passionate advocate of the least interesting part of soccer stated that he was really able to see the connections coming together for a new league as he posted later, “Who wants to play Premier League Soccer in my new league called Tom Delong’s Intervention.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as friends just give up.