Citing Their Recent Transfer Acquisitions And Team Strategy, Portland Timbers Owner Blames Fans For Loss Against Seattle Sounders

Portland, OR - Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson took to the field, on Friday evening, to blame the Timbers Army for the recent loss against the Seattle Sounders as he cited the failures of the Timbers Army for their recent acquisitions and team strategy.


“You are all fucking responsible for this mess,” stated an irate Merritt Paulson to the collected group of fans watching his team lose at home to their rivals. “If you had a more concrete methodology of player transfers and team strategy this never would’ve happened.”

Insiders with the Timbers state that Paulson has long been letting the Timbers Army make player acquisitions as he frequently turns his credit card over to the supporters group in order to let them purchase new players.

“We thought that involving the fans more in our day to day operations would make our connection to the area more concrete,” stated one anonymous employee. “However, it turns out that the fans don’t really know how to acquire players at all.”

At risk, as well, is the fans ability to lay out the team strategy, shape and substitutions as the well known secret of head coach Gio Savarese being merely a figurehead exploded into the daylight again as Merritt Paulson’s father, former Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson, spent 10 minutes railing against the Timbers Army for their team selection on the night.

“You thought that this starting 11 was good enough,” stated Hank Paulson to Terry Williams, 33 from Beaverton attending his first game in the Timbers Army. “This is bullshit and you are bullshit. If I had my way, with my money, we would always win. This is NOT what I had in mind when I told my son he could buy a sports team.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Paulson fires the Timbers Army from his organization.