Brad Friedel Bemoans Lack Of Boston Fans Beating Up Revolution Players

Boston, MA - In comments to The Boston Globe, New England Revolution head coach Brad Friedel seemed to bemoan the fact that Boston fans are not waiting for players at their cars and beating them up as a motivational tool.

So do you want me going down there……. or what?

Speaking to reporter Globe correspondent Frank Dell’Apa, Friedel stated, “The mentality of a player in this league, a lot of the players, when they lose, it doesn’t hurt enough. There’s not relegation, they don’t get fined, they don’t have fans waiting by their cars, they don’t have people beating them up. They don’t have the pressures they have in other leagues.”

Fans were later encouraged to NOT beat up players from their own team as news filtered through the Revolution camp that their head coach was upset at the lack of physical accosting and deadly assault.

“What the hell is he on,” stated one anonymous player

“Good god, man, no.” stated another anonymous player.

“I am clearly in hell,” stated another anonymous player.

We spoke to Revolution fans who were confused by these latest statements as they seemed to fly in the face of all normal decency.

“So………… am I supposed to go to the training ground and beat up Brad Knighton,” asked Sully McKenzie from Boston. “Because, um….. that seems like something that would put me in jail, but if that’s what Brad wants…..”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the backpedal starts furiously from the league and team.

Woman's Plan To Fix Soccer As Simple As," Overthrowing Capitalism On A Global Scale"

Minneapolis, MN - Socialist political operative and soccer fan Lucinda Williams stated that her grand plan to fix the corporate influence of soccer in the United States was as simple as, "overthrowing Capitalism on a global level."

Stating, "Wave slavery is death," Williams ranted about the current set up of the market in the United States noting that, "Everything would be resolved if the people in charge voluntarily transferred all the power to the people, tomorrow. Things will be far better when leagues and the teams are owned and operated by the fans for the sake of the fans. Look, all we need to do is make the billionaires in charge of the system realize that they are harming the growth of the game! It's easy. I'm going to find out what Philip Anschutz address is and mail him a copy of Das Kapital. Once we get Philip turned, then we just need to work on Robert Kraft, Don Garber, Sunil Gulati and whoever ends up replacing Eric Wynalda after he resigns in year 3."

Williams has long advocated for a total abandonment of the current systems of soccer in the United States and under her proposal she states that the countries of Canada, Mexico and the United States must be replaced and reformed while abolishing capitalism at a state government level while doing away with borders and uniting into one super region and switching to a winter schedule to line up with FIFA dates. Her timeline for this puts the revolution somewhere in 2024.

When asked how she will enable the revolution, Williams stated, "I'm going to start a Twitter account," as she continued on to say, "The people will throw off the yoke of the involvement of Coke in soccer when they get a load of my socialist cat memes! The proletariat will rise once again for the real redistribution of the assets in Das Superdraft."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Williams starts a blog to go along with her Twitter account.

MLS Re-Releases Extratime Video Game On Playstation 4

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announced today that it would be re-releasing the video game MLS Extratime on Playstation 4 during 2019 PAX East.

Originally released as ESPN MLS ExtraTime in 2002 by Konami on GameCube and PlayStation 2, the venerable classic will be relaunched as a podcast simulator and narrative driven story game on the PlayStation 4.

“With this game you will be able to offer opinions on games, talk about statistics and engage in banter with your co-hosts as a number of playable characters,” stated MLS video game producer Peter Molyneux. “We will offer Matt Doyle, Charlie Davies, Andrew Wiebe, Jason Saghini, and even Bobby Warshaw as playable characters that you can customize to your specifications. There will be unlockable characters like Susannah Collins, Sam Stejksal, and Greg Lalas. As well, there will be a real life aspect as you will be expected to equip your characters with a variety of statistical categories that you can improve upon or decrease depending upon your success during the game.”

Molyneux indicated that if you want to roll a Dark Elf Paladin Andrew Wiebe that you will be on a quest to raise the golden microphone from an amateur podcast to the top levels of an official Youtube stream.

“We will incorporate many elements you haven’t seen in a real life podcast game before,” stated Molyneux to Podcast Gaming Monthly. “Oh yes, my friends, you will be able to take an in-game wife, raise in-game children and be expected to attend 36 podcast tapings while juggling time to watch game film which will increase your overall perception while also filling your pee meter.”

The Pee Meter is just one of the many new ideas in gameplay that Molyneux pitched to MLS.

“We are including a banter zone button that locks you into a V.A.T.S style engagement with your co-hosts which will allow you to defeat them one on one. As well, you will grow into the roll you define for yourself with success and failure. If you decide to be provocative, being more provocative will fill your character with satisfaction and will allow you to unlock smug as a characteristic while being less provocative will send your character into an existential crisis.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when MLS ExtraTime becomes free on PS+ next month.

New USSF Ticketing Strategy Announced As Only One $2,000,000 Ticket Will Be Available For Next Friendly

CHICAGO - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) announced their new ticket pricing and strategy for upcoming games as they will release only 1 ticket priced at two million dollars for the entire stadium for the next home friendly the United States men will play.

“Would you rather have a full stadium or a pile of cash? Because a pile of cash is a lot more fun when the game ends and you miss the World Cup,” - Carlos Cordeiro

“We’ve tried to have full stadiums before,” stated USSF president Carlos Cordeiro. “This time we decided to have one expensive ticket to ensure that we are recouping our costs and maintaining our profit growth year over year.”

US Soccer stated that it was important to keep growing their profits moving upward with the express desire of ensuring 2019/2020 as the most profitable era in US Soccer history as they prepare to price gouge during the upcoming World Cup.

“The metric of success that we measure ourselves by isn’t Brazil, Argentina, Spain or France,” stated Cordeiro. “We measure ourselves by Microsoft, Amazon, Google, Apple and Facebook. This isn’t a charity or a non-profit, this is for profit. We cannot continue to take massive losses by subsidizing poor fans who want to come to games. Let them get better jobs if they want to see the national team play. In the mean time, we believe that this ticketing option will really help the federation get a concrete handle on our finances.”

With the single ticket expected to sell out, pundits across the United States expressed their admiration at this idea.

“Look, Ayn Rand was right and we all need to just understand that you can’t help poor people by helping them,” stated Alexi Lalas. “You help poor people by showing how unbelievably shitty they are as human beings and that being rich, famous and popular should be their goal. This new ticketing methodology by US Soccer just shows how cutting edge the United States is in the fight against poverty. Pull yourselves up by your bootstraps, America, if you want to ever see this national team again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer works to further raise ticket prices to un-affordable levels for meaningless friendlies.

Real Salt Lake Atmosphere Expected To Increase By .8% After Governor Signs Law Increasing Beer ABW To 4.0

Sandy, UT - The atmosphere in Rio Tinto stadium is expected to increase by .8% during the 2020 season after Governor Gary Herbert signed SB132, making way for higher-alcohol beer in grocery stores, convenience stores, and draft beer served in restaurants and bars.

“I’m going to be .8% drunker and .8% louder,” stated Real Salt Lake (RSL) fan Audra Hawthorne of Salt City United.

Sources within Real Salt Lake indicate that they hope that this increase in ABW (alcohol by weight) will also increase the home field advantage as they attempted to try to figure out the net positive.

“A .8% increase in home field advantage could be the difference between hosting a home playoff game and a first round exit,” stated one RSL insider. “We are hoping that the changes we can make to our taps at the game will flow through our fans, pun intended.”

Some fans remain skeptical, however, as RSL fan Dave Williams illuminated, “I’d rather have a vodka cranberry at the stadium bar and that’s NEVER been 3.2% so I don’t really know why anyone thinks this is going to be that big of a deal. Now if they could start selling 10% ABV Mike’s Harder Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice….. then we would see a real home field advantage.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Bud Light still tastes like piss water.

Best Soccer Fan In North America Actually Bjorn Halvorson From Red Deer

Red Deer, AB - The British Broadcasting Company (BBC) today announced that the best soccer fan in North America is actually Bjorn Halvorson from Red Deer, Alberta.

CONGRATUL…. oh screw it, here’s the trophy.

“We looked at a variety of categories including purchasing of kits, time sent watching the game and the fact that we heard about him recently due to his excessive body painting,” stated BBC soccer producer Nigel Williams James Weathersby III from Sussex just off the A23 past Hurstpierpoint. “We realized that the greatest fan in the world was from this small Canadian town in Alberta, imagine our shock.”

For his part, Mr Halvorson stated that he was excited to receive the moniker as he placed the ceremonial trophy next to the pewter replica the Brier Tankard that he made for his local curling club.

“I got into the game recently by watching Real Madrid games,” stated Halvorson to our reporter. “Then I decided to paint my whole body and put it online. That attracted a lot attention as the detail I put into blending my nipples into the team crest really helped drive attention to my Twitter account.”

The BBC put an exhaustive 15 minutes into their search as they were referred to Mr. Halvorson by someone in the Merseyside office that saw a time-lapse video of Halvorson covering his prodigious chest and prodigious nipples with the Everton logo.

“We are proud to finally settle the debate once and for all,” stated the BBC to their Twitter account. “And we can finally say that the best soccer fan in North America is definitely Bjorn Halvorson from Red Deer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as next week the BBC will announce that they’ve found a NEW best soccer fan in North America and it is a labradoodle named Bailey.

"I Only Smashed Two Controllers Last Week," States Professional FIFA Player

Richmond, VA - Professional FIFA player YANCEY1337 praised his self control as he stated, “I only smashed two controllers this week,” to his Twitter account on Monday.

Damon Foley, otherwise known as YANCEY1337, stated that despite the recent patches by EA Sports and the completely random glitches that cause even professional players to lose from seemingly unassailable positions that he felt like he had turned a corner on his anger.

“I’m doing better,” stated Foley to The Nutmeg News, “and I’m working on a regimen that allows me to place the games in context as I head to e-MLS cup in a little bit.”

With many players reporting completely jarring gameplay that results in losses to poor players who get bailed out by referees or game glitches such as an inability to switch to correct players, many of them were interested in the fact that professionals are also feeling the pain.

“I’ve had a lot of people asking me what my new regimen is for enjoying FIFA 19 and it’s very simple,” stated Foley. “I’ve just stopped playing the game as much and I’m working on a new Australian Football League series on my Twitch channel. People are really interested.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Foley prepares for E-MLS Cup by practicing primal scream therapy and smashing cardboard mockups of his controllers.

Robert Kraft Thrilled With Recent Revolution Attendance

Foxborough, MA - A thoroughly surprised Robert Kraft was reportedly thrilled that the New England Revolution pulled in 10,000 fans to their game against FC Cincinnati as he stated, “people still come OUT to this shit?”

https://twitter.com/JulianCardillo

The owner and loyal patron of the Revolution stated that he was, “frankly shocked that anyone even knew the team still existed.”

Despite his best efforts, the Patriots owner has not killed the Revolution fanbase yet as he eeks out another year hoping on an influx of summer children with soccer camps, the destitute, the morally bankrupt, and people who realize there are ways to get drunk with your family in public during the day without seeming socially irresponsible.

“Given the level of effort I’ve put in, I’m amazed that anyone is still coming out,” stated Kraft to The Nutmeg News. “I put more effort in soliciting indentured sex slaves than I have with the Revolution. 10,000 people! WOWY! Golly Gee WILLIKER!”

With Kraft’s ebullient mood on full display he then ran over to ask how the Patriots were doing and if there was any possibility of putting in some more effort to push them over the hump to another Super Bowl.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft forgets the team ever existed right around five minutes from now.

Player Blog Calls For Supporters To Bench Under-performing Drummers And Move To A Diamond Formation

Des Moines, IA - A new blog entry from Jason Howard, a midfielder for Des Moines City United FC, called for a number of severe changes for the supporters group in the stands after a disappointing performance by the fans lead to players and coaches of the team questioning their abilities.

“Ok, let’s sit down and diagram this out. The fans should line up in a 4-4-2, or possibly a 4-3-3 given that we can’t rely on Dave there to show up to the game on time and Steve’s got to cover him by holding up the flag.”

“We know that the supporters had a decent season last year,” stated Howard on his blog CityUnitedFCIA.com, “But this season they are clearly in need of some new acquisitions and new blood as their efforts in the stand are simply not adequate.”

Howard detailed the faults of drummers Juan Vargas and Cassie Evans as he called them out for their poor first touch, lack of rhythm and inability to keep a proper tempo for the game.

“The fact about their performance is that it is something that would end up with them being benched or fired in any normal job like our own,” stated Howard. “If I have a bad day I don’t just get to shrug it off, claim I smoked too much weed before I got in the stands and then ask my Uber to go to the drive through at the Taco Bell on the way home. No, I would lose my job for that. The simple fact is that if you are unable to keep up with the pace of the game you should understand that there is someone else willing to do so. The inability of the leaders of the supporters group to find a backup for the drummers only shows their lack of scouting and their lack of effort at acquiring new talent.”

Howard also took the supporters group to task for their formation as he indicated that perhaps the current lack of results in the stands was down to the inability of the group to tactically innovate.

“The reality is that other groups will figure out your tactics in the long run,” stated Howard. “They should consider whether the supporters should move to a diamond formation that would narrow the compaction in the stands and force the walking vendors to the outside. It would require a better effort than we’ve seen from the capos, however.”

Howard closed out his article by indicating that if the supporters group was serious about righting the ship for the 2019 season that they would need to show some heart and effort in the upcoming games.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard starts a podcast called The Crowd Report where he calls out the fans for being under-performing except for Chad who is just a rock star as usual and will have make the hall of fame for his efforts.

New Red Bull Blog Analyzes The Tactics, Personnel, And Moves That Made The 2019 Home Opener Not Sell Out

NEW YORK - A new Red Bull New York fan blog started this week with the proclamation that Red Bull Crowd Report will analyze the tactics, personnel and moves that made the 2019 home opener not sell out.

With the stated ethos of, “relentlessly over-analyzing things that have been discussed over and over and over again that fans can’t fix anyway,” Red Bull Crowd Report started with an open letter to the front office in Austria dictating the issues that Red Bull Crowd Report felt it wasn’t addressing.

Starting with an opening line of, “AS A NEW SEASON TICKET HOLDER I FEEL THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING MORE,” the letter/blog post veered off into a rant about a number of different and entirely unconnected issues that eventually culminated with a 10 page detailed example of what it might take to get from Staten Island to work to home to take the dog for a walk and then dinner and then out to Red Bull Arena on a Wednesday evening in June if all the trains are completely broken, delayed or filled with Nepalese pan pipe and drum groups dispassionately stating, "Ladies and gentleman, thank you immensely. We hope you're having a good day and are in good spirits,“ after the doors close and you can’t get out.

“I felt like it was truly time to analyze all the reasons why this game didn’t sell out,” stated editor in chief, reporter, fact checker and ombudsman Damien Howard to The Nutmeg News. “We need to talk about crowd sizes, crowd control, and fan based initiatives that will cause the stadium to sell out.”

Howard stated that he truly believes that one of the reasons for the lack of sellouts at Red Bull Arena is the fault of the loyal fans who go every week as he castigated the entire community for not getting more people on board with the team.

“This is really a fault of all of us, and not just one person in general,” stated Howard on blog post #2 titled WHAT CAN WE DO TO FIX THIS SITUATION.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Howard receives a ban from Metrofanatic for frequently posting links to his blog posts in an effort to get actual readers.

MLS Announces Miami Team Will Hire Ray Hudson As Head Coach, Play At Lockhart Stadium, And Acquire Carlos Valderrama As First DP

MIAM - Major League Soccer officials in Miami announced today that the nascent franchise will hire soccer commentator Ray Hudson as its first head coach. The team also announced the they will play at least two season at Lockhart Stadium and that their first designated player would be Colombian international Carlos Valderrama.

”We are excited for the upcoming seasons at Lockhart Stadium,” stated Miami spokesperson David Beckham. “MLS is always interested in breaking the mold and this exciting partnership is something that hasn’t been done before in the history of the league.”

Insiders with Major League Soccer state that they are excited to break new ground in the league.

“MIAMI. MLS. LOCKHART! NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE,” stated one email that was sent in all caps. “THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT! THIS CANT FAIL. WE ARE BIGGER THAN JESUS. GOD, PUMP THIS FEELING INTO MY VEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNS.”

The 57 year old Valderrama will be moving from a moderately successful season with the Colorado Rapids who will trade their rights to Miami in a fusion trade that nets them $10 and a option to bow out of Superdrafts in the future.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS Miami acquires Nick Rimando and Jeff Cassar as goalkeepers.

UCLA Soccer Recruits Prepare For Upcoming Season By First Learning Basic Rules To Soccer

LOS ANGELES - UCLA Soccer recruits began their preparation for the upcoming NCAA fall soccer season by first learning the basic rules of the game they were recruited to play.

You all know the rules so just mill about on your parents money, keep your racist comments to your friends, and don’t kill anyone until you run for the Senate in 20 years.

“How many people are on a team,” asked blue chip recruit Braden Davis to his coach Jorge Salcedo.

“Is there a lot of running or…… you know… not?” asked high school standout Aiden Reynolds.

Salcedo was encouraged by the amount of players taking their off-season preparation so seriously as he gave out “Soccer for Dummies” books to all new recruits for the 2019 season.

“I think we are really going to see an great season,” stated Salcedo from the window of his Tesla X-Model car. “I really think that Braden, Aiden, Jaden, Kaden, Caiden, Cayden, Caden, Caedon, and Hayden will have a fantastic impact on our team.”

For their part, the new defensive recruits for UCLA stated that they were all working on playing monthly games of FIFA online in an attempt to figure out what they would be doing soon.

“It can’t be that hard,” stated Payton Andrews III. “Look, you hit the boost button, slide tackle and some shit happens now pass me that bowl 420lyfefordays.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as transferring player Jose Gutierrez tries to field two separate calls about his student loans and eligibility.

Soccer Fan Enrolls In Night School In Order To Figure Out How To Watch MLS Games

WASHINGTON - 52 year old D.C. United fan James Reynolds enrolled in night school with a course load of technology classes in order to figure out how to watch D.C. United games this season as his first attempt at streaming MLS games failed miserably.

“I just want to watch soccer. Why the hell is this so hard?” stated Reynolds to The Nutmeg News.

Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) indicate that local streaming deals like D.C. United and F.C. Cincinnati are going to become the norm as the league works on ensuring that no one can see any match unless they’ve paid money to do so.

“We are committed to creating an environment of scarcity,” stated one league source. “We are going to work with providers to make it as hard as possible to watch a game for anyone in order to make certain that we are driving viewing numbers by ensuring that no one can watch unless they have an advanced degree in network engineering.”

Reynolds is starting classes with a local community college next week with an emphasis on understanding the OSI and TCP./IP model and modern computing standards such as American Online as he stated, “I thought I would just be able to click and watch but apparently I’m going to need to finish this two year degree first.”

According to his son Tyson, Reynolds is, “so dumb,” for not just running a VPN and getting around the blackouts illegally. However, for their part, the league stated that it would consider it a violation of the terms and services if fans of teams in Major League Soccer try to watch games this way.

“We will not allow fans of teams to watch games in which their team plays,” stated MLS President Mark Abbott. “If you haven’t paid for a subscription service to a third party to watch 10 games a year and another subscription to another broadcaster to watch nationally televised games and purchased some kind of device to stream CCL games to your television from your phone then you aren’t a real fan. It should be reasonable for casual soccer fans to have an understanding of running KDE on virtualbox underneath their Windows 10 work laptop environment so they can use a paid VPN which allows them to stream an MLS game from a provider they pay monthly for blocked local games.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer solidifies the growing stature of the league by ensuring that no one can actually watch televised or streamed versions of the Saturday games.

American Casual Excited For Brexit Vote As He Plans Future Fred Perry Purchasing Spree

NEW YORK - Local soccer casual Rahim Asfour stated that he is excited for the upcoming vote on Brexit today and over the next 17 days as he plans a future Fred Perry purchasing spree once England’s economy goes to shit and the prices collapse.

“I’m going to absolutely CLEAN UP,” stated Asfour to our reporter. “I’m already tracking airline prices and I’m building a spreadsheet for how I’m going to buy all the best clobber in London when everything goes to shit.”

Asfour said that he doesn’t specifically support any one English club, but that he looks forward to attending games at a cut rate price if the exchange rate finally goes in his favor.

“There was a time when you couldn’t even get into a game for less than 2 to 1 exchange prices,” stated Asfour. “But when Brexit hits, I’m going to go over and get into The Emirates, Old Trafford and Anfield on a Groupon price level. I’m going to have individual gear for each game. It’s going to be legit. At these rates, I’ll probably be able to rent a flat somewhere and just live off of a few dollars a week. It’s going to be legit, I can’t wait.”

Asfour stated that he’s planning on bringing over duffel bags to transport home all the best casual gear that he can get from Fred Perry, Stone Island and Ellesse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this Asfour realizes that he can’t afford to make a trip to England anymore due to declining wages and plummeting job prospects in his own country.

Atlanta United Fan Wants To Know Why New Mexico United Article Doesn't Mention Atlanta United

Atlanta, GA - According to the internet, Atlanta United fan Ben Cresswell spent most of his Monday repeatedly asking writers and fans on Facebook and Twitter why the recent article about the upcoming game between New Mexico United and Phoenix Rising doesn’t mention Atlanta United.

“ok, that’s great, but …….. what about Atlanta?”

“Where’s Atlanta in all this,” stated Cresswell through his Twitter account @GresselIsGodMode to the official USL Championship account. “You can’t write about New Mexico United and any new team in the USL without a mention to the team that started the whole thing off in Major League Soccer.”

As he relentlessly harangued accounts on all of his registered social media platforms, Cresswell reached out to friends and fellow fans to help him shine a light on the inequitable coverage being shown to his team.

“We cannot let this injustice stand,” ranted Cresswell through his blog and podcast on Atlanta United. “We must demand equal coverage on items pertaining to new teams, United teams and any soccer team in North America.”

For his part, Cresswell went back online to find another article about the recent 1-1 draw in Albuquerque to ask, “What about Atlanta?” According to fellow fans, Cresswell also reached out about recent articles on KOAT news, the Albuquerque Journal, and KRQE News 13, as well as blogs that dared to mention the new USL side without crediting MLS 3.0 to the league champions and discussing their impact on and off the field.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cresswell reaches out to the blog of a AYSO parent to ask them to rightfully credit Atlanta United as the genesis of interesting that program.

Fans Get A Blissful Early Release As Season Already Over For Vancouver, San Jose, And Philadelphia

MLS - With the season already over for Vancouver, San Jose, and Philadelphia, the fans of these teams were reportedly elated as they set around to enjoy their spring and summer without the encumbering weight of worrying about results.

“I’m OUT! No more Union games for THIS GUY!”

“I was excited for Whitecaps season, but now I’m just excited for mountain-bike season,” stated Whitecaps fan Susan Phạm. “With the season already over after two games, I can finally focus on myself for a year and work on my bike handling skills on the North Shore trails.”

After two games of ritualistic battle, all three of these team finished their season with two straight losses thus proving to their fans that everything is over, the season is at an end and they might as well pack it in.

“I’ve got nothing else to lose so I’m now just winning all the time,” stated Earthquakes fan Dave Hughes. “This is my time to shine. I’m going to get into a fitness program and work out instead of watching the games every weekend. With the money I save on beer and tickets I’m taking a vacation to Cozumel.”

Some Philadelphia fans stated that they would turn their burning intensity towards spring training and the annual disappointment of the Phillies as others turned their focus towards building an intense fantasy board game that revolves around Gritty taking down the patriarchy as a level 99 Palladin.

“Gritty can not be over encumbered due to his size, and he wields a double headed blessed sacred battle axe or something,” stated Game Master Isaac Henderson. “He’s going to take down the fascists one incel at a time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans find a second wind on life except for Paul Williams of Surrey, BC who just spends most of the week stewing over all this shit.

Major League Soccer Exploring 246 New Player Acquisition And Salary Rules That Will Close CCL Gap By The Year 2945

NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) state that the league board of governors is exploring 246 new player acquisition and salary rules that will close the CONCACAF Champions League gap between MLS and Liga MX by the year 2945.

“They are confident that by including these rules in a phased approach over the next 900 years or so that they will eventually get to a point where the teams can compete,” stated one anonymous insider.

Rules to be implemented vary from increasing the overall minimum salary by .05% to instituting a discount buy on all players with an A on their name to allowing any player that leads any league in goals scored to occupy a free roster spot.

“They are really coming up with some amazing ideas in direct contradiction to some of the previously established rules,” stated our source.

One leaked enhancement is the inclusion of WHAM!, an element of TAM in which you spend $1,000 on a vinyl copy of Fantastic and receive a salary decrease of any player on your roster by 1/3rd if you file this on the second Monday of the fourth day of the month of April in the year 2023, but only if you pre-apply every year up until that time with the office of the official player development and lottery funds initiative and only if you already have $150,000 in TAM, $200,000 in GAM and an international roster spot.

“It’s going to make all the people who cover the league have a freak out, but MLS is hoping that the institution of all these rules will really tip the balance somewhere around the turn of the next millennia,” stated our source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league institutes a two-for-one night with free appetizer to all teams that apply for players with an M in their name during the month of may as long as that player is also registered for their USL team affiliate.

Atlanta United Fan Panics As Team Equals Worst Start To Season In Team History

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Geoff Robertson was reportedly in a complete panic, on Wednesday, as Atlanta United equaled their worst ever start in team history by losing the first game of the season.

“I don’t know how we go forward from here,” stated Robertson to our reporter. “This isn’t just a freak out, ok? They only went and equaled THE WORST START TO THE SEASON, EVER.”

In the three year history of Atlanta United, the team started each of their seasons by losing the first game of the year before going on to have a successful season, make the playoffs and in 2019 they went on to win MLS cup. Despite this recent history, Mr. Robertson was still worried about what would happen in 2019 as he spun out of control.

“This is all the fault of TATA leaving us,” moaned Robertson on his Twitter handle @MattRyan1qbfan16. “This de Boer guy is clearly out of his level. He doesn’t have the experience. We are going to be lucky to make the playoffs at this rate.”

Robertson illustrated the predicament that Atlanta United find themselves in as he tweeted a graph that shows United are currently on pace to finish the season out of the playoffs with zero points and concede 68 goals on the year.

“This is setting itself up to be the worst season in the three season history of this team,” ranted Robertson to his Facebook page. “We never should’ve sold Almiron and let Tata go and we should’ve just bought more players and won it again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Robertson attempts to crowdfund a “de Boer Out” banner to fly over the Mercedes Benz Stadium.

Team Insider Who Started As Outsider Still Pretending To Be Outsider

LOS ANGELES - LAFC writer Steven Anderson posted a clarification to his Twitter account @LAFC_UnofficialSource that he is still an outsider just like everyone else despite being employed by the team for the past year as an insider.

“I’m just a man writing about the team like everyone else,” stated Anderson who regularly receives updates from official channels as to the status of the team and advanced information on acquisitions. “I started as a fan of soccer, and I’m still a fan of soccer. The haters are just haters and I’m going to ignore them.”

Other LAFC fans recently called out Anderson for being a mouthpiece for the organization, however Anderson hit back stating that they were, “not true,” despite him actually being employed as a mouthpiece for the organization.

“This is just factually wrong, they don’t pay me to say certain things, I’m just a regular fan who gets paid by the team to write about the team on subjects that they pick, but I’m still an outsider.”

LAFC fan Robert Rivera stated that he doesn’t hate Anderson for his new gig, but that he noticed an uptick in the number of relentlessly positive pieces about the team regardless of any context or issue.

“Look, I’d be more accepting of this if he’d stop pretending to just be a fan,” stated Rivera to our reporter. “He’s paid by the team. He’s not an independent fan anymore., despite the way he pretends”

For his part, Anderson stated that he is like anyone else from his position as the co-commentator on an official LAFC podcast that will debut in the Spring.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson writes about the culture of the supporters groups despite being the press-box for the past 2 years.

Veteran Supporter Really Pretending To Care This Year

NEW YORK - Veteran Red Bull New York and Metrostars supporter Enrique Hernandez showed his commitment to really pretending to care this year by listening to new Red Bull fan Josh Davis rant about how excited he is for the upcoming season.

“If I duck down under the level of the outside wall he might not see me.”

"OMG THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD,.” spewed Davis to Hernandez in the corridor between their cubicles and the men’s restroom.

“I’M SO EXCITED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER RED BULLS FAN HERE. AT MY LAST JOB THERE WEREN’T ANY SOCCER FANS. I FINALLY GOT SEASON TICKETS THIS YEAR. DID YOU WATCH THE PRESEASON GAMES? THE PRESEASON GAMES WERE AMAZING! WE MADE IT TO PLAY OFFS, RIGHT, IT WAS AMAZING. WE TOTALLY HAVE A CHANCE! WHERE ARE YOU WATCHING THE GAME NEXT WEEK,” shouted Davis as Hernandez let himself into the key-card accessed server room to which Davis does not have access.

A fan of the team since 1996, Hernandez recently went through a passionless season where he felt numb and disengaged most of the year despite mostly positive results by the team. He confided to other close friends that he even considered giving up his season tickets before he figured out a way to continue enjoying the matches by scaling back his social media presence and enjoying things as they happen.

According to statements made later that day, Hernandez was, “Yeah, um.. super excited for the season,” as he filled up his coffee and asked what the temperature outside was in a monotone voice.

"Should be a fun year, I guess. We are totally going to win the league or something,” sighed Hernandez to Mr Davis. “This is my 23rd year supporting the team and i’m sooooooooooo toooootally as excited as i was in year one, man."

According to fellow coworkers, Mr Davis spent most of Tuesday trying to set up a watch party between the two of them for the next away game before asking Mr. Hernandez where his season tickets are in the stadium and, “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAKES THOSE BIG BANNER THINGS THAT THE FANS HAVE BECAUSE I HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez actively avoids Davis when he sees him at a concessions stand in Red Bull Arena.