Don Garber Promises Safe Space For Neo-Nazis And Gang Members

WASHINGTON - In recent comments to Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News reporter Jonathan Tannenwald, Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber promised a safe space and refuge for Neo-Nazis, gang members and white supremacists as he stated that the league wasn’t interested in the beliefs of the person but rather just the wallet and money that individual possesses.

https://twitter.com/thegoalkeeper/status/1102363744607326208

“The last thing this league is going to do is start getting into profiling who people are and what their backgrounds are,” stated Commissioner Garber when asked about Neo-Nazis, racists and violent individuals who patronized New York City FC games over the past few years. “We don’t care if the person is yelling anti-semitic slurs, threatening fellow fans and throwing up Nazi salutes as long as they are doing so outside or slightly adjacent to the stadium or even maybe inside but out of sight of any of our monitors. There are good people on both sides of the Neo-Nazis who want to hurt people and people who don’t like Nazis debate. As they say, if the check clears then you may appear and we are completely fine with that.”

Commissioner Garber stated that this philosophy does not extend to smoke or flares outside the stadium as he stated, “Smoke and flares are still not OK outside the stadium. Look, we aren’t going to judge you if you are a Nazi or believe in the Nazi beliefs because those are your own beliefs, but if you light a flare, a smoke bomb or even an un-permitted grill within SNIFFING distance of an MLS stadium we will ban you from the grounds in perpetuity.”

When asked about the continual efforts at eliminating anti-fascist statements and banners in MLS crowds, Commissioner Garber stated that he refuses to judge people for their convictions as long as they exalt the league above the individual.

“We believe in a centralized autocratic government headed by a supreme leader with severe economic and social regimentation. If there’s any kind of opposition to this we reserve the right to engage in forcible suppression.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber announces a anti-anti-fascists night at NYCFC games.

Area Man Ready To Argue Nuances Of MLS Rules He Doesn't Understand

Seattle, WA - Area man David Williams announced on Twitter that he was ready to argue the nuances of player acquisition and retention rules in Major League Soccer despite only having a vague understanding of the rules in place.

“I’m not about to let my lack of knowledge stop me from offering an opinion”

“The Galaxy are going to be in …. violation…. I think…..,” stated Williams to his Twitter account on Friday. “They should be punished somehow if there’s a mechanism for punishment, or if there isn’t than they shouldn’t be, but maybe they should be anyway in some way if everyone allows that from um…. forthwith… and… um… in perpetuity…. ipso facto.”

Williams was reportedly incensed by the insinuation that the Los Angeles Galaxy might be bending the rules in MLS by keeping four designated players as he stated, “I’m pretty sure that’s unfair,” before he attempted to google the MLS competition rules for 2019.

“As soon as I skim these first few pages I plan on starting a Twitter thread that really is going to sock it to some team or person if I can understand exactly what is going on or maybe not,” muttered Williams to himself as he downloaded the incorrect manual from 2015.

“So they should deduct um, TAM/GAM if the TAM is aged over 10 years in a cherry wood wine barrell? That can’t be right,” stated Williams as he attempted to decipher whatever the hell it is that the league calls the rules these days.

According to his Twitter feed, Williams is not the only person lashing about like an octopus with a ripped tentacle as he reflexively labled the league or maybe the front office or maybe the disciplinary panel or maybe the commissioner or maybe the league reporters and coverage as cheats and swindlers unless maybe they aren’t because there’s some kind of spreadsheet thing that makes sense and ok, whatever they are still cheats or not.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league considers more rules to cover the rules to cover the rules to cover the rules that someone else is breaking but not really because the rules are all made up anyway.

Don Garber Torn Between Relief, Envy Over News Media Identifying Robert Kraft As NFL Owner

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber was, reportedly, torn between relief and envy after the national news media spent the entirety of Friday identifying Robert Kraft as an N.F.L. owner.

“He did what now?”

According to insider sources, Garber was conflicted with the dueling emtions as his desire for the league to have a larger profile in the national news was tempered by the actual story being reported.

“If this was any other story I’d consider this lack of market penetration a real concern,” stated Garber to associates as the headquarters of Major League Soccer. “Then again, look at all the publicity the N.F.L. is getting. There are a lot of eyeballs on this!”

Sources indicate that Garber spent most of Friday attempting to find out if there are any other league owners that will be caught up in this prostitution scandal and whether they would be identified as M.L.S. owners.

“Our initial thought was what if someone like Stan Kroenke was caught up in this,” stated one league insider. “Are they going to report that as Arsenal’s Stan Kroenke or LA Rams Stan Kroenke or maybe just Billionaire Stan Kroenke paid hookers at a massage parlor. We’d like to think that there’s a chance the Denver Post would go with Rapids Stan Kroenke but maybe it would be better if they didn’t.”

With Garber still fluctuating between his feelings on the matter, the league preemptively reached out to the ownership groups that make up the board of directors of M.L.S. to ask them to inform their own public relations experts that if they are caught in a sex or prostitute scandal that their press release should read Major League Soccer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber considers whether the fact that Kraft is identified as more of an N.F.L. owner absolves him of having to punish him for these kinds of activities.

Soccer Fans Demand "Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting" Headlines

Boston, MA - Soccer fans across New England and the United States were reportedly upset that the mainstream media shunned Major League Soccer (MLS) and the New England Revolution in their reporting of the Robert Kraft paying a sex slave for sexual favors at a faux massage parlor in Florida story.

How about New England REVOLUTION owner Robert Kraft accused of soliciting sex, police say. How about THAT?

“Soccer will never be big in this country until the headline is Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting,” stated soccer fan Jonny English.

“We can’t call ourselves the fourth most popular sport in the country if our owners are identified by the news media as N.F.L owner paying for sexual favors with Chinese women held in horrifying situations,” stated Revolution fan Deborah Evans.

Fans across the United States reached out to the local twitter accounts of their news stations to correct them on their headlines as they begged them to include the New England Revolution in the mix.

“Shouldn’t the headline read M.L.S. Sex Pest?” asked Howard Lispcott of Providence.

“MLS is growing! You should include it in the headline! Kraft owns the Revolution as well!” stated @starb00ty323232 to the New York Times.

“What about soccer! It’s the fastest growing sport among the youth,” stated @ThickNugs97202 to the Oregonian about their headline of Patriots owner Robert Kraft not even 'the biggest name’ involved in Florida prostitution sting.

With fans in an uproar, newsrooms indicate that there isn’t enough interest in the league, yet, to sustain a New England Revolution Owner Accused Of Soliciting Sex headline.

“If fans want to see more coverage of their ownership groups as it relates to spending time with sex slaves at a Florida massage parlor they will need to encourage more of their ownership groups to be caught paying for sexual favors. The demand needs to be there if we are going to identify them as such,” stated Editor Zach Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fans remain upset at the lack of representation for their miscreants in the press.

Amazing! This Jerk On Twitter Is Actually A Jerk In Real Life, Too!

INTERNET - Friends of @Sccrzwars2kxx stated that they were astounded to find that the vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent Twitter account was actually run by a vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent person in real life.

“They say never meet your heroes,” stated Billy Yaver who met @sccrzwars2kxx (Dan Williams) at a local Red Robin while he was in the area. “But in this case I can tell you that whatever you think about Dan online is probably not even close to how much of an asshole he is in real life.”

Defenders of Mr. Williams state that he is just a purposeful troll exposing the deep complexities and problems of the state of soccer in the United States,.

“Look @Sccerwars2kxx may be abrasive, but he has a point,” stated @YancyThigpenDanceOff who admitted he never met Mr. Williams in real life. “I’m sure he’s just a normal man like me who has an internet persona, and I’d be happy to meet him.”

“It’s the INTERNET,” stated Sam “@billbobthwartin” Dingle. “You can’t take what people say online as being serious. It’s the internet, for the lulz.”

Despite these statements, Mr. Yaver stated that @sccrwars2kxx was just as much an asshole in person as he is on the internet.

“He doesn’t tip service people and the guy was extremely rude to the waitress that served us. I literally watched him tweet to Red Robin corporate about how terrible she was because she didn’t bring over the season salt fast enough. What a dick. And somehow he followed up this behavior by tweeting directly at Kyle Martino about that, ‘being enough salt for you yet.’ I don’t even know what that means?!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people excuse @Sccrzwars2kxx behavior on the basis of him being a needed spokesman on important issues that no one will address and after all, it’s the internet N00b.

Toronto Fan's Sense Of Despair In Mid-Season Form

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) fan Georgie Hall’s sense of despair is in mid-season form as the club lost their first game of the season 4-0 to Panamanian side Independiente in the CONCACAF Champions League.

 (ARNULFO FRANCO / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS)

“We are absolutely doomed,” stated Hall to her TFC Discord chat after TFC gave up the first goal of the game. “If this is our bench and our starters we are just absolutely doomed.”

Hall was previously apprehensive about the season starting with the lack of proven players on the team, the loss of Giovinco, and the seeming inability of the club to find competent players that weren’t completely hamstrung with injury.

“Sure, this team will be better when players like Altidore get back, but we are just absolutely doomed,” ranted Hall to the universe on her Twitter account. “This game was like starting the season on the road for 10 games and losing nearly all of them and we should just get to the MLS All-Star picks so I know the season can be over.”

With her despair in mid-season form, Hall stated that she just, “needed a break,” and turned off the stream after the third goal went in. Reportedly, Hall turned the stream back on just in time to catch the end of the game where she stated, “that’s what I expected,” and turned the game off again in order to get some sleep.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hall attempts to find some hope with the young players on the bench before realizing that theoretical players of the future do nothing to salvage a loss that just happened.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg - Valentine's Day

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I used have strong positive feelings about the Revs. But recently they've been disconnected & not trying hard to keep me happy. They keep dropping hints about some big name DP signing & building a stadium. But I think that's all rumors to keep me around. - @notyetfunnyguy

Dear @notyetfunnyguy: That’s not really a question, but I can tell you that it sounds like they are afraid of commitment. You can try to, “give them the hint,” but let me tell you that if your name isn’t Tom Brady they don’t care.

So instead, try to let the unending yearning that you feel for the situation slowly deaden the passion you have inside until you can’t really find a reason to care whether they build a stadium or not. That way if they ever actually do anything positive, like sign a good designated player, you will be absolutely surprised and elated before the crushing realization of waiting for a future that might never come crashes upon you as you sit in a Footlocker on Dudley Street in Boston.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I’m in a relationship with two clubs at the same time and I think that they might play each other in another competition, soon. What should I do? - Natalie in Atlanta.

Dear Natalie in Atlanta: First: Congratulations on MLS Cup. Second: More established teams than yours tried and failed to win the CONCACAF Champions League so just hold off on having to worry about your local side playing your other side until your local side does something that literally no other team in Major League Soccer has ever done before.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I’ve been experiencing excitement over our new signing for more than 4 hours. Should I go to the emergency room? - James in NYC

Dear James In NYC: Forget going to the emergency room, you need to go to the club store STAT! I order one hundred CC’s of that players personalized kit for your wardrobe, RIGHT NOW! This way, in the future, when the relationship sours you will have a perpetual reminder of the hubris of these days.

Dear Dr Nutmeg: I’m in an abusive relationship with a front office that keeps promising to change, and then goes back on their word, and then promises to change and goes back on their word again. What should I do? - Kawami in Chicago

Dear Kawami in Chicago: Part of being a soccer fan is enduring terrible physical and mental conditions that you brought upon your self and willingly pay for every single season despite complaining about it relentlessly. You should just accept this, show up, and let all the slights by the front office slowly kill any love you have left until you are dead inside and consider running for the communications seat of your local supporters group.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: As an exhausted full-time working mother of two, I find myself going days at a time without loudly complaining about my team on Twitter. How else can I show that I’m a true fan who deeply cares about my club? -Kate in Minneapolis

Dear Kate In Minneapolis: You need to recognize the importance of taking care of your needs in order to ensure that the needs of others are met. This may mean really prioritizing your time by complaining about your team over bathing in the love of your children. At some point, these children are going to grow up and probably disappoint you by majoring in Business and registering as a Republican. Your love for your club will last forever, so try to carve some time out of your schedule to complain in the morning and the afternoon.

Dear Dr Nutmeg: My first love is in Ohio and they are showing signs of wanting to rekindle our relationship, but I’m in a good place with my current relationship… what do I do? - DN in Atlanta.

Dear DN in Atlanta: You need to consider what you want in life and then not show up until you get it. Really just stop doing anything at all and let the chips fall where they may. What’s important here is that you do nothing. If you do SOMETHING, that will show intent, but by doing nothing you can’t be accused of taking any side.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: How many Shakespearean sonnets about our club is it okay to tweet before it gets creepy? - @MplsCatizens

Dear @MplsCatizens: It’s only creepy if you use Sonnet 130

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask’d, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

And that’s mostly because we are trying to imagine an anthropomorphic soccer cat smelling the breath of their mistress.

Dear Mr. Nutmeg: I'm a long-time fan of both FC Dallas and the Dallas Sidekicks. Unfortunately, my two soccer loves have an overlapping schedule this year, and have several home games at the same time. What do I do? Best, - John

Dear Jim: Ok, you know what? How does that feel? Huh? HUH? YOU LIKE IT WHEN I DON’T CALL YOU BY THE RIGHT DAMN NAME? I should come down there and knock the sandwich out of your hand. THE DEGREE SAYS DOCTOR, YOU SAY DOCTOR. GODDAMMIT! THIS IS JUST LIKE MY MOTHER SAID. Oh sure, nobody recognizes your hard work as a therapist when they talk about Doctors in the general realm of cordial conversation, but EVVVVVVERYBODY loves them a neurosurgeon. But who do the neurosurgeons come to when the weight of all the poorly botched surgeries come back to them in a blood soaked dream as they wake up in a pool of sweat with clenched fists as they lay next to their wife at 3:00 am wondering where the damn love has GONE?! FUCKS SAKE, JOHN.

Anyway, You should go to the team that is in the worst form because soccer is, in itself, mostly about suffering with periods of joy and you can use those experiences to make yourself feel like a better fan than those who casually show up when the team wins.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: I am in relationship with possessive partner. I’ve tried to leave but they make it difficult for me to go. I’ve learned my lesson from this experience but how can I help others not make the same mistake? - Andrew

Dear Andrew: It’s important to gain the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Trying to leave this relationship while simultaneously warning others of the dangers of this possessive partner seems like an exhausting enterprise. The best way to do this is to forget trying to help others not make the same mistake and hook someone else on the relationship.. Then use their rock bottom as an excuse to get out. Likely you can do this during a poorly attended U.S. Open Cup game. Make certain you find an NPSL team to fall back on otherwise you may relapse.

Dear Dr. Nutmeg: My friends are trying to get me into an MLS team but I love an NPSL side. Should I look outside my relationship for love? - Earnie in Detroit

Dear Earnie in Detroit: You have to ask yourself if you are the kind of person who can really handle the intricacies of a poly-amorous relationship. Trying to be in a poly-amorous relationship requires a lot of communication, a lot of work and a lot of energy not only for you, but your significant others. When you are talking about a club outside your local club, you have to consider how connected you really are going to be in another year when the passion is gone. However, if you don’t have any significant others then you should consider being a fan of a team in every league. Find one in Liga MX! Go for the Gusto. Hell, there’s nothing for you at home but some frozen Totino’s Pizza so maybe consider starting your own T.I.F.O club, that’ll eat up the time.

That’s it for Dr. Nutmeg for now, but please continue to send questions for a future column to the good doctor via Twitter DMs or mail@thenutmegnews.com

Sky Blue F.C. Announce Running Water For All Players

Piscataway, NJ - Despite missing their 30 day deadline for improving the club, Sky Blue F.C. announced a new benefit for all new and returning players as they indicated a new option for running water at the club.

“We are progressing into the new millennia,” stated Sky Blue F.C. public relations officer, kit manager, marketing director, ticket sales manager, twitter supervisor, and custodian Janet Evans. “Today we can announce that all returning and new players will have access to running water.”

According to insiders, last season Sky Blue just told players to ingest water via absorption of the atmosphere or gathering rain, with players setting up a community rain barrel on the corner of the practice field.

However, as part of their effort at revamping the club, Sky Blue took the suggestions of “Should have water,” seriously and made this a new part of their recruiting efforts for 2019.

“We hooked up an extension to a water hose across the field,” stated Ms Evans. “And it’s very crisp and very cold! We want to announce to all players that they should come play for Sky Blue and see our community garden hose! It’s the way of the future.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sky Blue F.C. administrative staff petition to owner and New Jersey Governor Philip D. Murphy about a crimped hose only to receive a return message of, “who is this?”

Supporter Specific Facebook Group Hasn't Turned Into Total Hellhole Yet

Vancouver, BC - A Facebook group set up for supporters of the Vancouver Whitecaps has, reportedly, not turned into a total hellhole yet as the friendly and yet sarcastic group grows in size.

“It’s really a miracle,” stated group administrator Luke Anseld. “This group has been running for 3 months and it hasn’t devolved into name calling, doxxing, and absolute bullshit. That’s pretty much a record at this point.”

Anseld stated that he created Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page as an antidote to what he saw as a festering Facebook culture dedicated to bringing out the worst in fans while simultaneously creating an echo chamber of pure squealing rage.

“It shouldn’t be this hard to be a fan,” stated Anseld to our reporter. “However, it just feels like it’s really difficult these days to actually have a normal and non inflated argument online. I’ve seen people on our group page apologize just for starting out too hot on a topic like Bob Lenarduzzi before realizing that no one was actually arguing with them in bad faith or building a strawman. It’s really incredible.”

Other fans on the Facebook page state that it’s only a matter of time before Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page turns into a toxic group like every other one out there as they stated, “Seriously, just look at every other supporters group with a Facebook page. It’s just a matter of time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an exasperated Anseld locks the group in 4 months after a spike in membership leads to an argument which leads to someone posting the address of a member online as Anseld debates deleting everything and going to live in Terrace.

Las Vegas Lights Fan Certain Of Undefeated Season After Successful Pre-Season Game

Las Vegas, NV - Lights’ fan Carlos Hernandez stated unequivocally that the Las Vegas Lights were, “GOING UNDEFEATED, YO!” after their makeshift lineup thrashed Major League Soccer’s Toronto FC’s makeshift lineup in the 2019 pre-season.

“THIS SEASON IS BIG TIME, WE ARE GOING TO THE SHIP,” ranted Hernandez to his Facebook page as he spammed his timeline with the highlights package of the Lights’ 5-1 win over the MLS side. “CHECK OUT THIS ACTION. WE ARE NEVER GONNA LOSE.”

Hernandez took his unlimited optimism to Twitter where he religiously re-tweeted and argued head coach Eric Wynalda’s braggadocio as he persisted in his unrestrained optimism for the 2019 season.

“#Legends #Undefeated #GoingToTheShip #TurnOnTheLights #VivaLights,” stated the hashtags used by Mr. Hernandez

The Nutmeg News spoke to good friend Felipe Dominguez who stated, “Yeah, Carlos always wears his heart on his sleeve, but he’s a good guy,” before launching into a vigorous defense of the tweets of Mr. Hernandez by calling a TFC fan a, “fake ass supporter of a fake ass team who just got whooped by the future champions,.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL Championship unfolds.

Supporter Who Can't Afford Taco Bell Tweets TAKE MY MONEY Response To Kit Reveal

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake supporter Peter Anderson tweeted, “TAKE MY MONEY,” at the pictures of the new Real Salt Lake Glitch Kit despite not having enough money for Taco Bell, currently.

TAKE MY MONEY… WAIT.;… LET ME CHECK MY BANK BALANCE….. SHIT… UM… OK… NO…. DONT TAKE MY MONEY…. AS A MATTER OF FACT…. GIVE ME MONEY, PLEASE.

“I’m going to buy that kit as soon as its available and I actually have money,” stated Anderson to his friends on Friday.

Anderson is living paycheck to paycheck after losing his job with L3 Technologies and defaulting on his student loans last year. He’s been driving for Uber and Lyft while also working for Starbucks as he attempts to keep afloat and make it to scheduled interviews.

“I’m only one job away from making it out of this shit,” muttered Anderson to himself as he carefully scrolled through his Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, before getting a notification that there is a new fare available going to the airport.

“That new jersey is pretty sick and I’m definitely getting it,” stated Anderson as he gingerly moved the cup of noodles he brought for lunch to the passenger’s side floor in order to keep the car looking clean and organized. “I can’t wait to get it, or some groceries, but likely the kit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson considers whether he should pay the electric and water bill on time or if he can, “kinda goose it and you know….. ride it to get that kit,” before he realizes he actually doesn’t have enough money to pay for both of those bills right now.

Rivals Call Truce After Discovering They Are The Only Soccer Fans At Child's Birthday Party

Tacoma, WA - Rival fans Susan Elliot and Theresa Wynn called for a cessation of hostilities and a truce after discovering that they are the only soccer fans at the birthday party of Wynn’s 4 year old niece.

“Susan was glaring at me across the room because I was wearing an ECS scarf,” stated Wynn to The Nutmeg News. “But then we realized that we were the only two soccer fans in the Pump It Up room and our natural bond and inability to have a normal conversation without referencing soccer overcame the hurdles placed in front of us.”

Elliot stated that she started talking to Wynn with the intention of needling her over the playoff loss inflicted on the Sounders in 2019, but ended up commiserating with her about Supporters Groups and the upcoming season, instead.

“Normally we’d be finding ways to twist everything, but this was a special circumstance,” stated Elliot to our reporter. “It was either talk to Theresa about the 2019 season or talk to Hanna over there about why she didn’t vaccinate little Riley and why he’s off gluten, sugar and bananas, right now. I’ll take the occasional conversation about the Sounders over that.”

Both soccer fans indicated that they would immediately begin firing at each other after the season begins as they friended each other on Twitter and Facebook while trying to avoid a group conversation about whether anyone uses a Naturalist to help with 4 year old anxiety.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elliot screams an obscenity at Wynn in the parking lot as she pulls away.

Personalized Kit Shows Rest Of Fans That This Guy Is Ready For Some Game Time

NEW YORK - Fans across the nation stated that the personalized kit of Hendricks - #26 for a Mr. Joshua Hendricks of Queens indicates that he is absolutely ready for some game time during the 2019 season.

So… like…. ANY name?

“It’s important to be ready,” stated Hendricks to The Nutmeg News. “I think Ralph Maccio stated that by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail and I don’t want to fail. I live by the motto that the best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. And honestly, success is where preparation and opportunity meet, so I’m just going to be ready to play at all times.”

A 3 year backup quarterback in high school, the 42 year old Hendricks kept the tradition alive of putting his own name on the back of a soccer kit for the 2019 season due to a long carried dream that he’s ready to take on professional soccer players despite putting down 4 beers in the first 35 minutes of nearly every home game during the last half of 2018.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time,” stated Hendricks on his Facebook group LET JOSH PLAY. “I’m ready to go and I’ve continued my training regime of wind sprints for 10 minutes followed by taquitos and eccentric calf exercises on the commute into work.”

Friends state that when they see the Hendricks #26 roaming the stands at Red Bull Arena that they know they can feel comfortable with the knowledge that there is one fan ready to play should the worst happen.

“Oh god yes, it comforted me greatly to know that if Kaku or Connor Lade went down last season that we always had Josh ready to go,” stated Red Bull fan Timothy Williams.

“I see that Hendricks #26 and I wonder why no one else has gotten his kit. Kids a future superstar,” stated 63 year old fan Paul Millspaugh.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks reaches out to Chris Wondolowski to see if he wants to exchange kits after they play the first home game of the season.

Major League Soccer Announces New Anthem Written By Canadian Troubadour Peaches

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that they enlisted the help of Canadian troubadour Peaches to establish a new anthem for Major League Soccer from the 2019 season onward.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/weeklydig/22345215728

Insider sources say that Peaches will be utilizing “Fuck The Pain Away” from her second studio album The Teaches of Peaches as the new anthem for Major League Soccer.

“We are excited to really show the world our effort to bridge the gap between the 90’s kids who decided to stick with the league despite all the evidence to the contrary and the 00’s scenesters who decided to stick with the league despite being able to play Starcraft professionally,” stated one league insider.

According to leaked documents, the league will release an info-graphic dictating exactly how Peaches informs us of the challenges of the league in her opening stanza on Fuck The Pain Away as she informs the viewer of the difficulties with a saturated sports market, a single entity league, and the difficulty of negotiating a collective bargaining agreement with a union despite trying to balance stagnating television ratings by stating, “Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me callin me all the time like Blondie Check out my chrissy behind It's fine all of the time.”

MLS Song Analyst Damien Whethermeyer Jr stated that the lline, “SIS IUD, stay in school cause it's the best,” reflects the league stature to the players in the MLS Players Union while indicating that players should stay in the league, because it is the best.

Whethermeyer Jr would not confirm nor deny that the line, “Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?” is an obvious allusion to David Beckham’s Miami United Atletico Madrid AC-FC-SC.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces that Peaches will perform the new song at first kick for Real Salt Lake with the backing of the The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square.

42 Year Old USWNT Fan Uses "Stan" Unironically

Bethesda, MD - 42 year old soccer fan Heather Armstrong reportedly used the word stan in a sincere fashion to describe her appreciation and love of Christen Press as she boldly attempted to shed 20 years of time by linguistically jumping generations to the vocabulary of a young 20 year old.

“But i really DO stan for Christen Press.”

”It didn’t appear that she was trying to be funny,” stated online friend Phillipa Stevens. “She just tweeted, ‘I stan so hard for Christen Press,’ and then we were all left wondering what the hell happened.”

According to her online Twitter presence, Armstrong never used the word Stan (to describe an obsessive and overzealous love) before her tweet about Ms. Press. However, friends say that she dabbled in other young slang prior to this moment.

“Yeah, she went through a time where she tried out Fleek, Lit, and Savage in her in-person vernacular,” stated good friend Thera Windamere. “It came and went, but I honestly felt like most of it was just a joke on current popular culture. I never felt like she really meant the words without some kind of humor.”

Online friends state that they are concerned that Armstrong’s new attempt at incorporating Stan into her online vocabulary may be the sign of a mid-life crisis as they looked out for other signs of this happening such as picking up a new hobby,talking about leaving her life behind and moving into a one bedroom studio in New York City, looking at pictures of Landrovers, and talking about going back to school to get a degree as an Anthropologist.

“This is one of those things where she needs to be careful,” stated online friend @Megatron420XXX. “She starts with Stan and the next thing you know she is recording a podcast about hentai memes and bruja culture. It’s a slippery slope.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Armstrong repeats herself next week by tweeting, “I stan so hard for Tobin Heath,” as friends just wonder if she is abusing the format, now.

Total N00b Violates Unwritten Rules Of Supporters Group By Writing Them Down

NEW YORK - Total n00b Hassan Delgado reportedly, “totally fucked up, bro,” as he violated one of the unwritten rules of the supporters group that he joined by writing them down on his blog.

The first rule of T.I.F.O is that you don’t.. ok, wait, don’t write this down.

Ok, let’s start over, the first rule is you don’t tell anyone what the rules are, but also the first rule which is you don’t talk about this rule or T.I.F.O

Delgado recently attempted to navigate the insane collection of unwritten rules out there that deal with everyday conduct and behavior of a member in the supporters group that he joined before realizing that he wasn’t even certain what they were.

“I don’t know, honestly,” stated Delgado to The Nutmeg News. “One second everything was fine and the next second I was being accused of being disrespectful to the culture. I was called a person that doesn’t get it…. whatever it is and I couldn’t get anyone to define what it is, but they said if I didi’t understand it I shouldn’t talk about it even though they couldn’t talk about it unless we meet in person which they don’t want to do.”

Delgado was welcomed to the group with the usual indoctrination of askance looks and mutterings as he fumbled around with social media posts that were described as, “too eager,” and, “overly excited.”

“Yeah, he came in hot and fast wanting to do everything,” stated one anonymous supporters group member who refused to speak to our reporters through anything but an intermediary with a sealed envelope full of responses to our questions and a private untraceable phone. “It’s important for him to get it, and to get it right now and if we have to explain what it is, then he doesn’t get it and he should just fuck right off back to fucking Hyannis Port , or wherever the fuck he wants to root for fucking Throwball.”

The list of infractions given to Delgado were long and varied but included both online and in-person missteps such as, “singing the wrong but officially printed on a song list words to a song, talking to that guy everyone hates… you know who we mean…., publicly profiting from others works by not deflecting credit appropriately, talking about himself too much on his own Twitter account, not hating ownership, writing a blog using his own name, and using his cell phone in the stands.”

For his part, Delgado tried to collect all of the unwritten rules into one place in order to educate others who would join the group at a later date and was informed that this action was also an infraction of the unwritten rules.

“What a dickhead,” one anonymous comment stated to his blog with an email address of fuckyou@fuckoff.com “I hope you never come back to the stands because you don’t get it.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this total n00b finally understands what he needs to do to get over with this crowd after he gets completely jaded in 7 years and starts mudslinging against the new crop of fans.

Excited Members Name 48 Year Old Man As Clothing Designer For Supporters Group

Jacksonville, FL - Excited members of the USL supporters group Dark Arts Brigade named 48 year old member Dave Coleman as the clothing designer for their supporters group throughout the 2019/2020 season as the oldest member in their supporters group got the green light to be a fashion designer.

“We are hoping he’ll bring some really retro aesthetic choices from the 90s into a modern setting for all the 20 year old kids that come out to the game every week,” stated 29 year old Dark Arts Brigade president Colton Williams. “He’s the oldest member we have in the group and we feel like his experience could lend itself to some interesting results.”

Coleman expressed interest in designing for the hip 20 and 21 year old members of Dark Arts as he brainstormed a new line of t-shirts based around the Dave Matthews Band album Under the Table and Dreaming.

“It’s going to be… um… lit and fleeked,” stated Coleman as he attempted to pepper in slang that he only started understanding over the last year. "The kids are really going to love this new t-shirt design that reminds us all of the time when Crash Into Me was a huge hit and the 90s were really about the musical styling of Dave.”

According to insider sources, Coleman advanced a number of ideas including a button up shirt that references the Cherry Poppin Daddies and the swing traditions of the mid 90s, and an effortless Stussy Pork Pie Hat. “We are going to really have a look that combines the modern styling of Post Malone with the throwback era of the Spin Doctors,” stated Coleman to a group of 20 year old kids that had no reference to most of these bands. “It’s going to be like the Crash Test Dummies meets the Arianas Grande.”

Despite a limited budget that will completely hamstring the Supporters Group if the items don’t sell, Coleman pushed ahead with his agenda as he called for more high quality flannel shirts and supporters group version of a JNCO jean with added 15th hidden pocket for concealed flares.

“It’ll be like our american version of Fred Perry except we will reference Ma$e in some of our design elements, almost like a version of Ed Hardy, but with more Soul Asylum references.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this in 2025 when Coleman cleans 15 boxes out of his apartment with all of this gear still inside.

USMNT Fan Claims That HIS City Will Gladly Show Up And Overpay For A Meaningless Friendly

Seattle, WA - USMNT fan, American Outlaw super gold elite member and AMWAY junior sales associate Travis Foster repeatedly stated that his city of Seattle would GLADLY show up and overpay for a meaningless friendly after the recent United States versus Panama game failed to attract more than 8000 people.

“Seattle hasn’t had a USMNT ever,” stated Foster who decided not to fact check his own arguments. “You should know that everyone here would gladly pay the $65 to $500 per ticket for a meaningless friendly against a sub-par competition.”

Foster took his argument to Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and the comments section of every SB Nation blog that featured a piece on the sparsely attended game as he reiterated the average Seattle fan’s commitment to being taken advantage of by the US Soccer Federation (USSF).

“You know Seattle would show up. We do for the Sounders, we do for the Seahawks and we gladly would show up for the United States if we ever got a chance. You’ll never have a better home field advantage for a meaningless game featuring the C squad of a Central American opponent in a non-World Cup year,” ranted Foster in the comments section of Stars And Stripes FC. “I personally would buy all of those $14 beers if they bring a game here.”

Foster indicated repeatedly that he would be willing to just give his credit card over to the US Soccer Federation for them to utilize in extorting his bank account for every cent left.

“HAIL THE TEAM! WE SUPPORT THE USA IN THIS TOWN AND WE DO IT WITH OUR FINANCES,” ranted Foster to his Twitter account @USA4LYFELOSERSGETOUT. “Every game is a judgment on your patriotism and if you aren’t willing to pay $65 to watch Michael Bradley play against whoever the hell Panama found to play this game then you should leave for communist Cuba or Vietnam. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA.USA. USA. USA. USA. CHARGE MY CARD!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Foster’s card is declined for the $532 he attempts to pay for two beers and a foam finger at an upcoming USMNT friendly.

Editors Note - It is a Women’s World Cup year, Mr Foster.

Independent Supporters Council Votes To Form Seven Nation Army

Dallas, TX - The newly formed Department of D-Fence advanced a motion that was adopted by the Independent Supporters Council (ISC) at their annual conference, this week, as members voted to form a Seven Nation Army that cannot hold them back.

“We are gathered to say that we can't forget, back and forth through our mind, behind a cigarette and the message coming from our eyes says… this time…. Do NOT leave it alone,” stated Generalissimo Thigpen of the ISC Seven Nation Army. ”And I told my brothers and sisters that I don't want to hear about it. Every single one's got a story to tell, everyone knows about it, from the Queen of England to the hounds of Hell Is Real.”

Insiders with the ISC indicate that the debate on the creation of the Seven Nation Army was contentious due to the innate pacifism, lack of vitamin D and inability to agree about anything of many of the attendees, as well as the fact that the ISC really only covers two nations.

“How the hell can we call our armed service the Seven Nation Army when we only have two nations,” stated one anonymous member. "

However, according to redacted reports that were forwarded to our dropbox account, this individual was verbally abused until they shamefully reported to the Malort corner where they consumed three shots of Malort for their penance and proceeded to projectile vomit into a wastebasket.

“The formation of the Seven Nation Army will allow us to combat the rising tide of European imports,” stated Generalissimo Thigpen. “We must stop the spread of digital warfare such as the Will Grigs song, the Allez Allez song or even the further appropriation of the Poznan. In this league, we all walk alone until we die, unless you join the Seven Nation Army at which point you will walk alone, but feel moderately adequate with that decision due to the 5% you will get off at Red Robin on one appetizer, only on Fridays, in the Highland Park area of Dallas.”

Sources indicate that the ISC will begin the process of arming the Seven Nation Army in the coming weeks as members will receive a stockpile of passive-aggressive Twitter comments, half-researched opinions on T.I.F.O and song choices based upon Ultras-tifo.net and a sense of righteous superiority that will lend to a massive amount of overreach.

“We are hoping to avoid confrontation, but we will not hesitate to hit back with a 16 tweet thread,” stated Generalissimo Thigpen. “Our members are devoted to peace, but will be ready for WAR AND BLOODSHED……… at least once they finish their day job and pick the children up from daycare and do the laundry.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the ISC forms Seaman’s Navy, in honor of legendary Arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman.

Dallas Sidekicks Fan Lets Everyone Know He Followed The MASL BEFORE It Was Cool

Dallas, TX - After the announcement of Landon Donovan playing for the San Diego Sockers came to light yesterday, Dallas Sidekicks fan Raymond Gutierrez categorically announced that he was following the Sidekicks and the Major Arena Soccer League (MASL) BEFORE it was cool.

“I know there’s going to be more people paying attention to the MASL now,” stated Gutierrez to The Nutmeg News. “But it’s important to note that some of us have been following these teams for some time.”

Gutierrez waived off the notion that he only followed the league since Donovan came in stating, “Thirty five years of beautiful tradition, from Tatu to Mike Jones, YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I'M LIVING IN THE PAST! You are trying to call me out on that?! Hell no.”

The comments section on Gutierrez Facebook post about the situation turned into a free for all on the MASL as fans resorted to jokes about Donovan and questions about the Sidekicks and what on earth got Gutierrez all mad today.

“I just want everyone to know that 10s of hundreds of fans have been around long before the Golden Boy went down to San Diego and we are going to be here after he leaves unless I get that job I applied for in San Antonio in which case I’m not going to be around much longer.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Gutierrez buys tickets to the March 24th Sockers match just so he can boo Donovan.