NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) state that the league board of governors is exploring 246 new player acquisition and salary rules that will close the CONCACAF Champions League gap between MLS and Liga MX by the year 2945.

“They are confident that by including these rules in a phased approach over the next 900 years or so that they will eventually get to a point where the teams can compete,” stated one anonymous insider.

Rules to be implemented vary from increasing the overall minimum salary by .05% to instituting a discount buy on all players with an A on their name to allowing any player that leads any league in goals scored to occupy a free roster spot.

“They are really coming up with some amazing ideas in direct contradiction to some of the previously established rules,” stated our source.

One leaked enhancement is the inclusion of WHAM!, an element of TAM in which you spend $1,000 on a vinyl copy of Fantastic and receive a salary decrease of any player on your roster by 1/3rd if you file this on the second Monday of the fourth day of the month of April in the year 2023, but only if you pre-apply every year up until that time with the office of the official player development and lottery funds initiative and only if you already have $150,000 in TAM, $200,000 in GAM and an international roster spot.

“It’s going to make all the people who cover the league have a freak out, but MLS is hoping that the institution of all these rules will really tip the balance somewhere around the turn of the next millennia,” stated our source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league institutes a two-for-one night with free appetizer to all teams that apply for players with an M in their name during the month of may as long as that player is also registered for their USL team affiliate.