Fans Get A Blissful Early Release As Season Already Over For Vancouver, San Jose, And Philadelphia

MLS - With the season already over for Vancouver, San Jose, and Philadelphia, the fans of these teams were reportedly elated as they set around to enjoy their spring and summer without the encumbering weight of worrying about results.

“I’m OUT! No more Union games for THIS GUY!”

“I’m OUT! No more Union games for THIS GUY!”

“I was excited for Whitecaps season, but now I’m just excited for mountain-bike season,” stated Whitecaps fan Susan Phạm. “With the season already over after two games, I can finally focus on myself for a year and work on my bike handling skills on the North Shore trails.”

After two games of ritualistic battle, all three of these team finished their season with two straight losses thus proving to their fans that everything is over, the season is at an end and they might as well pack it in.

“I’ve got nothing else to lose so I’m now just winning all the time,” stated Earthquakes fan Dave Hughes. “This is my time to shine. I’m going to get into a fitness program and work out instead of watching the games every weekend. With the money I save on beer and tickets I’m taking a vacation to Cozumel.”

Some Philadelphia fans stated that they would turn their burning intensity towards spring training and the annual disappointment of the Phillies as others turned their focus towards building an intense fantasy board game that revolves around Gritty taking down the patriarchy as a level 99 Palladin.

“Gritty can not be over encumbered due to his size, and he wields a double headed blessed sacred battle axe or something,” stated Game Master Isaac Henderson. “He’s going to take down the fascists one incel at a time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans find a second wind on life except for Paul Williams of Surrey, BC who just spends most of the week stewing over all this shit.

Major League Soccer Exploring 246 New Player Acquisition And Salary Rules That Will Close CCL Gap By The Year 2945

NEW YORK - Sources within Major League Soccer (MLS) state that the league board of governors is exploring 246 new player acquisition and salary rules that will close the CONCACAF Champions League gap between MLS and Liga MX by the year 2945.


“They are confident that by including these rules in a phased approach over the next 900 years or so that they will eventually get to a point where the teams can compete,” stated one anonymous insider.

Rules to be implemented vary from increasing the overall minimum salary by .05% to instituting a discount buy on all players with an A on their name to allowing any player that leads any league in goals scored to occupy a free roster spot.

“They are really coming up with some amazing ideas in direct contradiction to some of the previously established rules,” stated our source.

One leaked enhancement is the inclusion of WHAM!, an element of TAM in which you spend $1,000 on a vinyl copy of Fantastic and receive a salary decrease of any player on your roster by 1/3rd if you file this on the second Monday of the fourth day of the month of April in the year 2023, but only if you pre-apply every year up until that time with the office of the official player development and lottery funds initiative and only if you already have $150,000 in TAM, $200,000 in GAM and an international roster spot.

“It’s going to make all the people who cover the league have a freak out, but MLS is hoping that the institution of all these rules will really tip the balance somewhere around the turn of the next millennia,” stated our source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league institutes a two-for-one night with free appetizer to all teams that apply for players with an M in their name during the month of may as long as that player is also registered for their USL team affiliate.

Atlanta United Fan Panics As Team Equals Worst Start To Season In Team History

Atlanta, GA - Atlanta United fan Geoff Robertson was reportedly in a complete panic, on Wednesday, as Atlanta United equaled their worst ever start in team history by losing the first game of the season.


“I don’t know how we go forward from here,” stated Robertson to our reporter. “This isn’t just a freak out, ok? They only went and equaled THE WORST START TO THE SEASON, EVER.”

In the three year history of Atlanta United, the team started each of their seasons by losing the first game of the year before going on to have a successful season, make the playoffs and in 2019 they went on to win MLS cup. Despite this recent history, Mr. Robertson was still worried about what would happen in 2019 as he spun out of control.

“This is all the fault of TATA leaving us,” moaned Robertson on his Twitter handle @MattRyan1qbfan16. “This de Boer guy is clearly out of his level. He doesn’t have the experience. We are going to be lucky to make the playoffs at this rate.”

Robertson illustrated the predicament that Atlanta United find themselves in as he tweeted a graph that shows United are currently on pace to finish the season out of the playoffs with zero points and concede 68 goals on the year.

“This is setting itself up to be the worst season in the three season history of this team,” ranted Robertson to his Facebook page. “We never should’ve sold Almiron and let Tata go and we should’ve just bought more players and won it again.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Robertson attempts to crowdfund a “de Boer Out” banner to fly over the Mercedes Benz Stadium.

Team Insider Who Started As Outsider Still Pretending To Be Outsider

LOS ANGELES - LAFC writer Steven Anderson posted a clarification to his Twitter account @LAFC_UnofficialSource that he is still an outsider just like everyone else despite being employed by the team for the past year as an insider.


“I’m just a man writing about the team like everyone else,” stated Anderson who regularly receives updates from official channels as to the status of the team and advanced information on acquisitions. “I started as a fan of soccer, and I’m still a fan of soccer. The haters are just haters and I’m going to ignore them.”

Other LAFC fans recently called out Anderson for being a mouthpiece for the organization, however Anderson hit back stating that they were, “not true,” despite him actually being employed as a mouthpiece for the organization.

“This is just factually wrong, they don’t pay me to say certain things, I’m just a regular fan who gets paid by the team to write about the team on subjects that they pick, but I’m still an outsider.”

LAFC fan Robert Rivera stated that he doesn’t hate Anderson for his new gig, but that he noticed an uptick in the number of relentlessly positive pieces about the team regardless of any context or issue.

“Look, I’d be more accepting of this if he’d stop pretending to just be a fan,” stated Rivera to our reporter. “He’s paid by the team. He’s not an independent fan anymore., despite the way he pretends”

For his part, Anderson stated that he is like anyone else from his position as the co-commentator on an official LAFC podcast that will debut in the Spring.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson writes about the culture of the supporters groups despite being the press-box for the past 2 years.

Veteran Supporter Really Pretending To Care This Year

NEW YORK - Veteran Red Bull New York and Metrostars supporter Enrique Hernandez showed his commitment to really pretending to care this year by listening to new Red Bull fan Josh Davis rant about how excited he is for the upcoming season.

“If I duck down under the level of the outside wall he might not see me.”

“If I duck down under the level of the outside wall he might not see me.”

"OMG THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BE SO GOOD,.” spewed Davis to Hernandez in the corridor between their cubicles and the men’s restroom.


A fan of the team since 1996, Hernandez recently went through a passionless season where he felt numb and disengaged most of the year despite mostly positive results by the team. He confided to other close friends that he even considered giving up his season tickets before he figured out a way to continue enjoying the matches by scaling back his social media presence and enjoying things as they happen.

According to statements made later that day, Hernandez was, “Yeah, um.. super excited for the season,” as he filled up his coffee and asked what the temperature outside was in a monotone voice.

"Should be a fun year, I guess. We are totally going to win the league or something,” sighed Hernandez to Mr Davis. “This is my 23rd year supporting the team and i’m sooooooooooo toooootally as excited as i was in year one, man."

According to fellow coworkers, Mr Davis spent most of Tuesday trying to set up a watch party between the two of them for the next away game before asking Mr. Hernandez where his season tickets are in the stadium and, “DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAKES THOSE BIG BANNER THINGS THAT THE FANS HAVE BECAUSE I HAVE SOME GREAT IDEAS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hernandez actively avoids Davis when he sees him at a concessions stand in Red Bull Arena.

Don Garber Promises Safe Space For Neo-Nazis And Gang Members

WASHINGTON - In recent comments to Philadelphia Inquirer and Daily News reporter Jonathan Tannenwald, Major League Soccer Commissioner Don Garber promised a safe space and refuge for Neo-Nazis, gang members and white supremacists as he stated that the league wasn’t interested in the beliefs of the person but rather just the wallet and money that individual possesses.

“The last thing this league is going to do is start getting into profiling who people are and what their backgrounds are,” stated Commissioner Garber when asked about Neo-Nazis, racists and violent individuals who patronized New York City FC games over the past few years. “We don’t care if the person is yelling anti-semitic slurs, threatening fellow fans and throwing up Nazi salutes as long as they are doing so outside or slightly adjacent to the stadium or even maybe inside but out of sight of any of our monitors. There are good people on both sides of the Neo-Nazis who want to hurt people and people who don’t like Nazis debate. As they say, if the check clears then you may appear and we are completely fine with that.”

Commissioner Garber stated that this philosophy does not extend to smoke or flares outside the stadium as he stated, “Smoke and flares are still not OK outside the stadium. Look, we aren’t going to judge you if you are a Nazi or believe in the Nazi beliefs because those are your own beliefs, but if you light a flare, a smoke bomb or even an un-permitted grill within SNIFFING distance of an MLS stadium we will ban you from the grounds in perpetuity.”

When asked about the continual efforts at eliminating anti-fascist statements and banners in MLS crowds, Commissioner Garber stated that he refuses to judge people for their convictions as long as they exalt the league above the individual.

“We believe in a centralized autocratic government headed by a supreme leader with severe economic and social regimentation. If there’s any kind of opposition to this we reserve the right to engage in forcible suppression.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Don Garber announces a anti-anti-fascists night at NYCFC games.

Area Man Ready To Argue Nuances Of MLS Rules He Doesn't Understand

Seattle, WA - Area man David Williams announced on Twitter that he was ready to argue the nuances of player acquisition and retention rules in Major League Soccer despite only having a vague understanding of the rules in place.

“I’m not about to let my lack of knowledge stop me from offering an opinion”

“I’m not about to let my lack of knowledge stop me from offering an opinion”

“The Galaxy are going to be in …. violation…. I think…..,” stated Williams to his Twitter account on Friday. “They should be punished somehow if there’s a mechanism for punishment, or if there isn’t than they shouldn’t be, but maybe they should be anyway in some way if everyone allows that from um…. forthwith… and… um… in perpetuity…. ipso facto.”

Williams was reportedly incensed by the insinuation that the Los Angeles Galaxy might be bending the rules in MLS by keeping four designated players as he stated, “I’m pretty sure that’s unfair,” before he attempted to google the MLS competition rules for 2019.

“As soon as I skim these first few pages I plan on starting a Twitter thread that really is going to sock it to some team or person if I can understand exactly what is going on or maybe not,” muttered Williams to himself as he downloaded the incorrect manual from 2015.

“So they should deduct um, TAM/GAM if the TAM is aged over 10 years in a cherry wood wine barrell? That can’t be right,” stated Williams as he attempted to decipher whatever the hell it is that the league calls the rules these days.

According to his Twitter feed, Williams is not the only person lashing about like an octopus with a ripped tentacle as he reflexively labled the league or maybe the front office or maybe the disciplinary panel or maybe the commissioner or maybe the league reporters and coverage as cheats and swindlers unless maybe they aren’t because there’s some kind of spreadsheet thing that makes sense and ok, whatever they are still cheats or not.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league considers more rules to cover the rules to cover the rules to cover the rules that someone else is breaking but not really because the rules are all made up anyway.

Don Garber Torn Between Relief, Envy Over News Media Identifying Robert Kraft As NFL Owner

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber was, reportedly, torn between relief and envy after the national news media spent the entirety of Friday identifying Robert Kraft as an N.F.L. owner.

“He did what now?”

“He did what now?”

According to insider sources, Garber was conflicted with the dueling emtions as his desire for the league to have a larger profile in the national news was tempered by the actual story being reported.

“If this was any other story I’d consider this lack of market penetration a real concern,” stated Garber to associates as the headquarters of Major League Soccer. “Then again, look at all the publicity the N.F.L. is getting. There are a lot of eyeballs on this!”

Sources indicate that Garber spent most of Friday attempting to find out if there are any other league owners that will be caught up in this prostitution scandal and whether they would be identified as M.L.S. owners.

“Our initial thought was what if someone like Stan Kroenke was caught up in this,” stated one league insider. “Are they going to report that as Arsenal’s Stan Kroenke or LA Rams Stan Kroenke or maybe just Billionaire Stan Kroenke paid hookers at a massage parlor. We’d like to think that there’s a chance the Denver Post would go with Rapids Stan Kroenke but maybe it would be better if they didn’t.”

With Garber still fluctuating between his feelings on the matter, the league preemptively reached out to the ownership groups that make up the board of directors of M.L.S. to ask them to inform their own public relations experts that if they are caught in a sex or prostitute scandal that their press release should read Major League Soccer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber considers whether the fact that Kraft is identified as more of an N.F.L. owner absolves him of having to punish him for these kinds of activities.

Soccer Fans Demand "Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting" Headlines

Boston, MA - Soccer fans across New England and the United States were reportedly upset that the mainstream media shunned Major League Soccer (MLS) and the New England Revolution in their reporting of the Robert Kraft paying a sex slave for sexual favors at a faux massage parlor in Florida story.

How about New England REVOLUTION  owner Robert Kraft accused of soliciting sex, police say. How about THAT?

How about New England REVOLUTION owner Robert Kraft accused of soliciting sex, police say. How about THAT?

“Soccer will never be big in this country until the headline is Revolution Owner Caught In Sex Sting,” stated soccer fan Jonny English.

“We can’t call ourselves the fourth most popular sport in the country if our owners are identified by the news media as N.F.L owner paying for sexual favors with Chinese women held in horrifying situations,” stated Revolution fan Deborah Evans.

Fans across the United States reached out to the local twitter accounts of their news stations to correct them on their headlines as they begged them to include the New England Revolution in the mix.

“Shouldn’t the headline read M.L.S. Sex Pest?” asked Howard Lispcott of Providence.

“MLS is growing! You should include it in the headline! Kraft owns the Revolution as well!” stated @starb00ty323232 to the New York Times.

“What about soccer! It’s the fastest growing sport among the youth,” stated @ThickNugs97202 to the Oregonian about their headline of Patriots owner Robert Kraft not even 'the biggest name’ involved in Florida prostitution sting.

With fans in an uproar, newsrooms indicate that there isn’t enough interest in the league, yet, to sustain a New England Revolution Owner Accused Of Soliciting Sex headline.

“If fans want to see more coverage of their ownership groups as it relates to spending time with sex slaves at a Florida massage parlor they will need to encourage more of their ownership groups to be caught paying for sexual favors. The demand needs to be there if we are going to identify them as such,” stated Editor Zach Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as soccer fans remain upset at the lack of representation for their miscreants in the press.

Amazing! This Jerk On Twitter Is Actually A Jerk In Real Life, Too!

INTERNET - Friends of @Sccrzwars2kxx stated that they were astounded to find that the vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent Twitter account was actually run by a vitriolic, abrasive and malcontent person in real life.


“They say never meet your heroes,” stated Billy Yaver who met @sccrzwars2kxx (Dan Williams) at a local Red Robin while he was in the area. “But in this case I can tell you that whatever you think about Dan online is probably not even close to how much of an asshole he is in real life.”

Defenders of Mr. Williams state that he is just a purposeful troll exposing the deep complexities and problems of the state of soccer in the United States,.

“Look @Sccerwars2kxx may be abrasive, but he has a point,” stated @YancyThigpenDanceOff who admitted he never met Mr. Williams in real life. “I’m sure he’s just a normal man like me who has an internet persona, and I’d be happy to meet him.”

“It’s the INTERNET,” stated Sam “@billbobthwartin” Dingle. “You can’t take what people say online as being serious. It’s the internet, for the lulz.”

Despite these statements, Mr. Yaver stated that @sccrwars2kxx was just as much an asshole in person as he is on the internet.

“He doesn’t tip service people and the guy was extremely rude to the waitress that served us. I literally watched him tweet to Red Robin corporate about how terrible she was because she didn’t bring over the season salt fast enough. What a dick. And somehow he followed up this behavior by tweeting directly at Kyle Martino about that, ‘being enough salt for you yet.’ I don’t even know what that means?!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more people excuse @Sccrzwars2kxx behavior on the basis of him being a needed spokesman on important issues that no one will address and after all, it’s the internet N00b.

Toronto Fan's Sense Of Despair In Mid-Season Form

TORONTO - Toronto Football Club (TFC) fan Georgie Hall’s sense of despair is in mid-season form as the club lost their first game of the season 4-0 to Panamanian side Independiente in the CONCACAF Champions League.



“We are absolutely doomed,” stated Hall to her TFC Discord chat after TFC gave up the first goal of the game. “If this is our bench and our starters we are just absolutely doomed.”

Hall was previously apprehensive about the season starting with the lack of proven players on the team, the loss of Giovinco, and the seeming inability of the club to find competent players that weren’t completely hamstrung with injury.

“Sure, this team will be better when players like Altidore get back, but we are just absolutely doomed,” ranted Hall to the universe on her Twitter account. “This game was like starting the season on the road for 10 games and losing nearly all of them and we should just get to the MLS All-Star picks so I know the season can be over.”

With her despair in mid-season form, Hall stated that she just, “needed a break,” and turned off the stream after the third goal went in. Reportedly, Hall turned the stream back on just in time to catch the end of the game where she stated, “that’s what I expected,” and turned the game off again in order to get some sleep.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hall attempts to find some hope with the young players on the bench before realizing that theoretical players of the future do nothing to salvage a loss that just happened.

Sky Blue F.C. Announce Running Water For All Players

Piscataway, NJ - Despite missing their 30 day deadline for improving the club, Sky Blue F.C. announced a new benefit for all new and returning players as they indicated a new option for running water at the club.


“We are progressing into the new millennia,” stated Sky Blue F.C. public relations officer, kit manager, marketing director, ticket sales manager, twitter supervisor, and custodian Janet Evans. “Today we can announce that all returning and new players will have access to running water.”

According to insiders, last season Sky Blue just told players to ingest water via absorption of the atmosphere or gathering rain, with players setting up a community rain barrel on the corner of the practice field.

However, as part of their effort at revamping the club, Sky Blue took the suggestions of “Should have water,” seriously and made this a new part of their recruiting efforts for 2019.

“We hooked up an extension to a water hose across the field,” stated Ms Evans. “And it’s very crisp and very cold! We want to announce to all players that they should come play for Sky Blue and see our community garden hose! It’s the way of the future.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sky Blue F.C. administrative staff petition to owner and New Jersey Governor Philip D. Murphy about a crimped hose only to receive a return message of, “who is this?”

Supporter Specific Facebook Group Hasn't Turned Into Total Hellhole Yet

Vancouver, BC - A Facebook group set up for supporters of the Vancouver Whitecaps has, reportedly, not turned into a total hellhole yet as the friendly and yet sarcastic group grows in size.


“It’s really a miracle,” stated group administrator Luke Anseld. “This group has been running for 3 months and it hasn’t devolved into name calling, doxxing, and absolute bullshit. That’s pretty much a record at this point.”

Anseld stated that he created Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page as an antidote to what he saw as a festering Facebook culture dedicated to bringing out the worst in fans while simultaneously creating an echo chamber of pure squealing rage.

“It shouldn’t be this hard to be a fan,” stated Anseld to our reporter. “However, it just feels like it’s really difficult these days to actually have a normal and non inflated argument online. I’ve seen people on our group page apologize just for starting out too hot on a topic like Bob Lenarduzzi before realizing that no one was actually arguing with them in bad faith or building a strawman. It’s really incredible.”

Other fans on the Facebook page state that it’s only a matter of time before Whitecaps Fans (Be Nice) Page turns into a toxic group like every other one out there as they stated, “Seriously, just look at every other supporters group with a Facebook page. It’s just a matter of time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an exasperated Anseld locks the group in 4 months after a spike in membership leads to an argument which leads to someone posting the address of a member online as Anseld debates deleting everything and going to live in Terrace.

Las Vegas Lights Fan Certain Of Undefeated Season After Successful Pre-Season Game

Las Vegas, NV - Lights’ fan Carlos Hernandez stated unequivocally that the Las Vegas Lights were, “GOING UNDEFEATED, YO!” after their makeshift lineup thrashed Major League Soccer’s Toronto FC’s makeshift lineup in the 2019 pre-season.


“THIS SEASON IS BIG TIME, WE ARE GOING TO THE SHIP,” ranted Hernandez to his Facebook page as he spammed his timeline with the highlights package of the Lights’ 5-1 win over the MLS side. “CHECK OUT THIS ACTION. WE ARE NEVER GONNA LOSE.”

Hernandez took his unlimited optimism to Twitter where he religiously re-tweeted and argued head coach Eric Wynalda’s braggadocio as he persisted in his unrestrained optimism for the 2019 season.

“#Legends #Undefeated #GoingToTheShip #TurnOnTheLights #VivaLights,” stated the hashtags used by Mr. Hernandez

The Nutmeg News spoke to good friend Felipe Dominguez who stated, “Yeah, Carlos always wears his heart on his sleeve, but he’s a good guy,” before launching into a vigorous defense of the tweets of Mr. Hernandez by calling a TFC fan a, “fake ass supporter of a fake ass team who just got whooped by the future champions,.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the USL Championship unfolds.

Supporter Who Can't Afford Taco Bell Tweets TAKE MY MONEY Response To Kit Reveal

Salt Lake City, UT - Real Salt Lake supporter Peter Anderson tweeted, “TAKE MY MONEY,” at the pictures of the new Real Salt Lake Glitch Kit despite not having enough money for Taco Bell, currently.



“I’m going to buy that kit as soon as its available and I actually have money,” stated Anderson to his friends on Friday.

Anderson is living paycheck to paycheck after losing his job with L3 Technologies and defaulting on his student loans last year. He’s been driving for Uber and Lyft while also working for Starbucks as he attempts to keep afloat and make it to scheduled interviews.

“I’m only one job away from making it out of this shit,” muttered Anderson to himself as he carefully scrolled through his Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, Twitter feed, Instagram feed, Reddit feed, before getting a notification that there is a new fare available going to the airport.

“That new jersey is pretty sick and I’m definitely getting it,” stated Anderson as he gingerly moved the cup of noodles he brought for lunch to the passenger’s side floor in order to keep the car looking clean and organized. “I can’t wait to get it, or some groceries, but likely the kit.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Anderson considers whether he should pay the electric and water bill on time or if he can, “kinda goose it and you know….. ride it to get that kit,” before he realizes he actually doesn’t have enough money to pay for both of those bills right now.

Rivals Call Truce After Discovering They Are The Only Soccer Fans At Child's Birthday Party

Tacoma, WA - Rival fans Susan Elliot and Theresa Wynn called for a cessation of hostilities and a truce after discovering that they are the only soccer fans at the birthday party of Wynn’s 4 year old niece.

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“Susan was glaring at me across the room because I was wearing an ECS scarf,” stated Wynn to The Nutmeg News. “But then we realized that we were the only two soccer fans in the Pump It Up room and our natural bond and inability to have a normal conversation without referencing soccer overcame the hurdles placed in front of us.”

Elliot stated that she started talking to Wynn with the intention of needling her over the playoff loss inflicted on the Sounders in 2019, but ended up commiserating with her about Supporters Groups and the upcoming season, instead.

“Normally we’d be finding ways to twist everything, but this was a special circumstance,” stated Elliot to our reporter. “It was either talk to Theresa about the 2019 season or talk to Hanna over there about why she didn’t vaccinate little Riley and why he’s off gluten, sugar and bananas, right now. I’ll take the occasional conversation about the Sounders over that.”

Both soccer fans indicated that they would immediately begin firing at each other after the season begins as they friended each other on Twitter and Facebook while trying to avoid a group conversation about whether anyone uses a Naturalist to help with 4 year old anxiety.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Elliot screams an obscenity at Wynn in the parking lot as she pulls away.

Personalized Kit Shows Rest Of Fans That This Guy Is Ready For Some Game Time

NEW YORK - Fans across the nation stated that the personalized kit of Hendricks - #26 for a Mr. Joshua Hendricks of Queens indicates that he is absolutely ready for some game time during the 2019 season.

So… like…. ANY name?

So… like…. ANY name?

“It’s important to be ready,” stated Hendricks to The Nutmeg News. “I think Ralph Maccio stated that by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail and I don’t want to fail. I live by the motto that the best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. And honestly, success is where preparation and opportunity meet, so I’m just going to be ready to play at all times.”

A 3 year backup quarterback in high school, the 42 year old Hendricks kept the tradition alive of putting his own name on the back of a soccer kit for the 2019 season due to a long carried dream that he’s ready to take on professional soccer players despite putting down 4 beers in the first 35 minutes of nearly every home game during the last half of 2018.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time,” stated Hendricks on his Facebook group LET JOSH PLAY. “I’m ready to go and I’ve continued my training regime of wind sprints for 10 minutes followed by taquitos and eccentric calf exercises on the commute into work.”

Friends state that when they see the Hendricks #26 roaming the stands at Red Bull Arena that they know they can feel comfortable with the knowledge that there is one fan ready to play should the worst happen.

“Oh god yes, it comforted me greatly to know that if Kaku or Connor Lade went down last season that we always had Josh ready to go,” stated Red Bull fan Timothy Williams.

“I see that Hendricks #26 and I wonder why no one else has gotten his kit. Kids a future superstar,” stated 63 year old fan Paul Millspaugh.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hendricks reaches out to Chris Wondolowski to see if he wants to exchange kits after they play the first home game of the season.

Major League Soccer Announces New Anthem Written By Canadian Troubadour Peaches

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that they enlisted the help of Canadian troubadour Peaches to establish a new anthem for Major League Soccer from the 2019 season onward.

Insider sources say that Peaches will be utilizing “Fuck The Pain Away” from her second studio album The Teaches of Peaches as the new anthem for Major League Soccer.

“We are excited to really show the world our effort to bridge the gap between the 90’s kids who decided to stick with the league despite all the evidence to the contrary and the 00’s scenesters who decided to stick with the league despite being able to play Starcraft professionally,” stated one league insider.

According to leaked documents, the league will release an info-graphic dictating exactly how Peaches informs us of the challenges of the league in her opening stanza on Fuck The Pain Away as she informs the viewer of the difficulties with a saturated sports market, a single entity league, and the difficulty of negotiating a collective bargaining agreement with a union despite trying to balance stagnating television ratings by stating, “Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me callin me all the time like Blondie Check out my chrissy behind It's fine all of the time.”

MLS Song Analyst Damien Whethermeyer Jr stated that the lline, “SIS IUD, stay in school cause it's the best,” reflects the league stature to the players in the MLS Players Union while indicating that players should stay in the league, because it is the best.

Whethermeyer Jr would not confirm nor deny that the line, “Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?” is an obvious allusion to David Beckham’s Miami United Atletico Madrid AC-FC-SC.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces that Peaches will perform the new song at first kick for Real Salt Lake with the backing of the The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square.

42 Year Old USWNT Fan Uses "Stan" Unironically

Bethesda, MD - 42 year old soccer fan Heather Armstrong reportedly used the word stan in a sincere fashion to describe her appreciation and love of Christen Press as she boldly attempted to shed 20 years of time by linguistically jumping generations to the vocabulary of a young 20 year old.

“But i really DO stan for Christen Press.”

“But i really DO stan for Christen Press.”

”It didn’t appear that she was trying to be funny,” stated online friend Phillipa Stevens. “She just tweeted, ‘I stan so hard for Christen Press,’ and then we were all left wondering what the hell happened.”

According to her online Twitter presence, Armstrong never used the word Stan (to describe an obsessive and overzealous love) before her tweet about Ms. Press. However, friends say that she dabbled in other young slang prior to this moment.

“Yeah, she went through a time where she tried out Fleek, Lit, and Savage in her in-person vernacular,” stated good friend Thera Windamere. “It came and went, but I honestly felt like most of it was just a joke on current popular culture. I never felt like she really meant the words without some kind of humor.”

Online friends state that they are concerned that Armstrong’s new attempt at incorporating Stan into her online vocabulary may be the sign of a mid-life crisis as they looked out for other signs of this happening such as picking up a new hobby,talking about leaving her life behind and moving into a one bedroom studio in New York City, looking at pictures of Landrovers, and talking about going back to school to get a degree as an Anthropologist.

“This is one of those things where she needs to be careful,” stated online friend @Megatron420XXX. “She starts with Stan and the next thing you know she is recording a podcast about hentai memes and bruja culture. It’s a slippery slope.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Armstrong repeats herself next week by tweeting, “I stan so hard for Tobin Heath,” as friends just wonder if she is abusing the format, now.