Major League Soccer Announces New Anthem Written By Canadian Troubadour Peaches

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced today that they enlisted the help of Canadian troubadour Peaches to establish a new anthem for Major League Soccer from the 2019 season onward.

Insider sources say that Peaches will be utilizing “Fuck The Pain Away” from her second studio album The Teaches of Peaches as the new anthem for Major League Soccer.

“We are excited to really show the world our effort to bridge the gap between the 90’s kids who decided to stick with the league despite all the evidence to the contrary and the 00’s scenesters who decided to stick with the league despite being able to play Starcraft professionally,” stated one league insider.

According to leaked documents, the league will release an info-graphic dictating exactly how Peaches informs us of the challenges of the league in her opening stanza on Fuck The Pain Away as she informs the viewer of the difficulties with a saturated sports market, a single entity league, and the difficulty of negotiating a collective bargaining agreement with a union despite trying to balance stagnating television ratings by stating, “Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me callin me all the time like Blondie Check out my chrissy behind It's fine all of the time.”

MLS Song Analyst Damien Whethermeyer Jr stated that the lline, “SIS IUD, stay in school cause it's the best,” reflects the league stature to the players in the MLS Players Union while indicating that players should stay in the league, because it is the best.

Whethermeyer Jr would not confirm nor deny that the line, “Like sex on the beaches. huh? what?” is an obvious allusion to David Beckham’s Miami United Atletico Madrid AC-FC-SC.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces that Peaches will perform the new song at first kick for Real Salt Lake with the backing of the The Tabernacle Choir at Temple Square.