Don Garber Torn Between Relief, Envy Over News Media Identifying Robert Kraft As NFL Owner

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer commissioner Don Garber was, reportedly, torn between relief and envy after the national news media spent the entirety of Friday identifying Robert Kraft as an N.F.L. owner.

“He did what now?”

“He did what now?”

According to insider sources, Garber was conflicted with the dueling emtions as his desire for the league to have a larger profile in the national news was tempered by the actual story being reported.

“If this was any other story I’d consider this lack of market penetration a real concern,” stated Garber to associates as the headquarters of Major League Soccer. “Then again, look at all the publicity the N.F.L. is getting. There are a lot of eyeballs on this!”

Sources indicate that Garber spent most of Friday attempting to find out if there are any other league owners that will be caught up in this prostitution scandal and whether they would be identified as M.L.S. owners.

“Our initial thought was what if someone like Stan Kroenke was caught up in this,” stated one league insider. “Are they going to report that as Arsenal’s Stan Kroenke or LA Rams Stan Kroenke or maybe just Billionaire Stan Kroenke paid hookers at a massage parlor. We’d like to think that there’s a chance the Denver Post would go with Rapids Stan Kroenke but maybe it would be better if they didn’t.”

With Garber still fluctuating between his feelings on the matter, the league preemptively reached out to the ownership groups that make up the board of directors of M.L.S. to ask them to inform their own public relations experts that if they are caught in a sex or prostitute scandal that their press release should read Major League Soccer.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber considers whether the fact that Kraft is identified as more of an N.F.L. owner absolves him of having to punish him for these kinds of activities.