Man Has, "A Lot Of Things Going On Right Now, But Keep Me In Mind The NEXT Time You Paint"

St Louis, MO - According to a hastily worded voicemail message left on supporter's group member Dontrell Williams phone, Robert Henry of St. Louis has, "a lot of things going on right now, but keep me in mind the NEXT time you paint."

"Yeah, bro, TREY busy, bro. I've got like a concert and a few things going on, yeah. TOTALLY packed weekend. Man, like... I only have Overwatch penciled in around 2:00 am."

Henry reportedly approached some people with the Louligans supporters group a few months ago about painting T.I.F.O and groused online about the lack of opportunity with regards to the opportunity to paint.

According to friend Paul Prince, "Bobby just wanted to get more involved."

However, when Williams contacted Henry with the opportunity to be involved in painting the next Louligans T.I.F.O, Henry was reportedly busy.

"This is like the 4th time I've reached out to him," stated Williams to The "Nutmeg News. "At this point, I'm just not going to reach out anymore. Every single time he is busy, or sick, or moving, or previously scheduled."

With Henry unavailable, Williams called St Louis supporter Carla Sanchez for the 26th time for her help as he stated, "If Carla didn't come in every time we would be screwed."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Carla Sanchez admits that the continual reliance on her skills is draining her ability to enjoy going to games anymore.

David Beckham To Purchase And Move Seattle MLS Franchise As Anticipation Builds For "Miami Sounder Machine"

Miami, FL - Letting the rhythm get him, international superstar and teacher-shagger David Beckham reportedly launched an audacious process to purchase and move the Seattle Major League Soccer franchise to Miami where he will call them Miami Sounder Machine.

STOCK MIAMI PHOTO - PLZ NOTICE PALM TREE

"It finally all made sense," stated a white linen clad Beckham as he took a deep breath from behind his desk covered in deep stacks of soccer paraphernalia. "We tried everything from Miami FC to Miami City FC to City FC, to FC FC to Atletico Miami to Miami United before we realized we needed a LOCAL connection. And what's more local than the ever young Gloria Estefan. This way we honor our past in Seattle, our future in Miami and our ever-present branding that is changed just enough so we don't have to pay a royalty."

Beckham reportedly trademarked, "Miami Sounder Machine," this week as he prepared for the 2020 season somewhere within 200 miles of South Beach.

"Our supporters group is called the Steel Drum Ultras. It's amazing, they just play steel drums the entire time," stated Beckham to our reporter. "They will stand next to the Cuban Ultras who will have their own smoking section. It's going to be amazing. Legalize Cigar Pyro!"

We spoke to head capo of the Steel Drum Ultras, Thurman Purdo, who stated, "we already have a song worked out for our team.  I've printed out the lyrics but they are as follows,

'Come on, shake your body baby,
Do the conga
I know you can't control yourself any longer
Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ,'

We just repeat this 100 times over the next 15 minutes.

Yeah, It's gonna be epic. We already have 10 steel drums lined up."

Furious Seattle fans were reportedly blindsided by the news as they immediately re-used their Clay Bennett material for Adrian Hanauer and David Beckham.

"This is absolute horse shit," stated Emerald City Supporter member Terry Wirral. "Now I know what Columbus is going through. This is 100% Joe Roth and Brian Schmetzer's fault somehow. FIRE SCHMETZERS. But seriously, Roth has to go, maybe. Or whoever it is. Screw them."

The Nutmeg News reached out to Mr. Roth but he was reportedly spending the day asking whether he can make cocaine jokes now that the team is based in Miami.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a ebullient Roth screams "I AM GOLDEN GOD!" before he smashes a car through the foyer of Drew Carrey's house to tell him about the move.

"No Bad Ideas" Motto Is Shelved After T.I.F.O Crew Hears A Number Of Really Bad Ideas

Minneapolis, MN - The Minnesota United T.I.F.O crew "1867 Ultras" reportedly shelved their original design motto of "No Bad Ideas" after receiving a number of really bad ideas for their upcoming painting projects.

Like this but EEEEEEVIL. You know what I mean,.... like laser eyes, a mustache or something.

"We started this crew with the idea of really making a difference in the stands and being welcoming to everyone and their ideas," stated 1867 Ultras member James "Woof" Peterson. "However, talk about your all-time backfires. It turns out that people really don't know good design or banner ideas from a hole in the ground filled with bad cheese and moldy bananas."

After a recent pitch session, Woof and his friends Carl "Ace" Anderson, Samuel "Bronco" Rodriguez, and Matt Williamson discussed not taking any idea from anyone, anymore.

"Good god, some of the shit we got," stated Anderson to our reporter. "I really wanted to believe that people, if inspired, would come up with some great banner ideas. Instead I've just steadily lost faith in humanity and I don't believe we really ever need to listen to another half baked idea about Groot and Rocket ever again. Someone suggested a dark cloud. No message, but just a dark cloud. Look, we get it.... you want a giant black blob that we hold up. Sounds epic."

According to people who attended the pitch session, a number of ideas were thrown around including one bold statement that was given as the following stammering disjointed message, "how about a walleye.... like an angry walleye... like an EVIL angry walleye, you know. Like a fish that will just as soon kill you as look at you. Or you know maybe like a mosquito, but you know... a big one....like, um... sucking the blood out of our opponents ON a walleye. A mosquito Walleye combo, with like the mosquito wearing chaps and the chaps have like the United logo on it.."

Despite the terrible ideas, Peterson remains convinced in a democratic method as he stated, "The problem isn't the people, it's that their ideas are dumb. We just need better ideas and if that means that we stop listening to the people who give them and just come up with our own ideas, then so be it. I don't know what you call that, but it is still democracy as far as I'm concerned, we just aren't listening to the people anymore."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Peterson sits and nods through an exquisite conversation regarding an Oasis banner, but done in the style of fairground caricatures. 

Player Ensures That Twitter Profile Is Vague Enough To Allow Him To Play For Any Team

Tulsa, OK - United Soccer League (USL) player Ramon Sanchez admitted that he keeps his twitter profile and picture vague enough to allow him to play for any team in North America after online confrontations with upset fans from previous teams.

Learn from the best, kids.

"It used to be that I updated my photo and my profile to fit my teams." said Sanchez in an exclusive Q&A with his nephews u-12 soccer team. "But now I realize that I need to have my twitter profile and picture be non-specific enough to ensure my employment with all the NPSL, MLS, USL, and CPL teams that I have a chance with signing."

Sanchez reportedly got in trouble six years ago with fans of the Rochester Rhinos by not switching his twitter profile fast enough as he had the wrong description and the wrong kind of kit in his photo, and he vowed after that to ensure that his picture was a simple headshot with a nondescript description such as "Child of God, professional wanderer". Sanchez admitted that he pays his publicist to ensure that his account only reposts the most banal quotes and statements before games.

"I've really stopped using twitter altogether and just use it to ensure that I send out my notifications for the new Nike boots, or I'll have my publicist send out information that makes it seem like I'm online." said Sanchez. "It's the only healthy way to live."

Fans with the Tulsa Roughnecks reportedly appreciate the complete lack of effort that Sanchez gives with his Twitter account as they stated, "He really seems to enjoy getting out and taking nondescript pictures of buildings and dogs. It's pretty impressive."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sanchez admits he hasn't logged into his Twitter account in over two years.

Legendary Soccer Zine Folds After Two Issue Run

NEW YORK - Legendary New York Red Bull zine Metro Time called a close to their lengthy run of two issues after editor-in-chief Todd "gamma" Raver announced the final issue dealing with The Man in the Stands would not be released.

Look, man, the fumes are only bad if you don't breathe through your scarf.

"We want to thank everyone in the community who supported us from day one," stated Raver to his 130 Twitter followers. "We had a good run, but it was time."

Metro Time was exclusively printed in the living room of Raver's walk-up apartment in Queens as the zine attempted to blend in elements of the New York hardcore scene, supporters group information, and the games that Red Bull New York played.

"We never sold out," stated journalist and all-around-drunk Arnie Gorena. "And by that I mean we never sold out of the number of copies that we printed at any one time."

According to friends of Raver and Gorena, hundreds of people managed to avoid eye contact on game day in an attempt to dodge a conversation about the zine as they pledged online their support for the project.

"Finally, an article for supporters written by supporters," stated Paul Isaac who reportedly skimmed the article that he was reading before he logged online to Instagram to favorite a picture of a cat in a top hat. 

Raver credited the longevity of the zine to, "not giving a fuck, bro," before he stated that he would possibly release a legacy collectors edition of the two previous editions of Metro Time in a leather-esque bound coffee table book just as soon as he finishes his 2 week learning annex course in book binding.

"I just want to thank all the fans, even the poseurs, that read my masterpiece," stated Raver to his Facebook page.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Raver and Gorena talk about starting up the zine again before deciding that would be a waste of time and playing FIFA instead.

North Carolina Courage Ready For Playoff Loss After Clinching NWSL Shield

Cary, NC - The North Carolina Courage are, reportedly, ready for their upcoming playoff loss after clinching the NWSL shield on Sunday for the best record in the league. 

"We would like to apologize for our fans for our future performance," stated head coach Paul Riley. "And we would like to state that we will put a better effort into not winning the shield next season as we prepare for the 2019 NWSL season in Atlanta as the Atlanta Beat FC."

According to insider sources, the Courage drastically overshot their desired point total and realized that they were going to win the shield and lose in the playoffs last week at which point it was already too late.

"Dammit," stated owner Stephen Malik. "We were hoping for a championship, not the consolation prize, again."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Courage prepare for the offseason, again.

American Based Chelsea Fan Looking For Lyrics To Songs He Won't Sing When He Visits Stamford Bridge In 4 Months

NEW YORK - Dan Hartford, an American based Chelsea Football Club fan, reportedly spent most of his Monday looking for the lyrics to all the Chelsea songs that he definitely won't sing when he visits Stamford Bridge for the first time in four months.

"If I can just find all the lyrics maybe I'll feel comfortable really letting loose," lied Hartford to himself as he scrolled through The Shed End, Talk Chelsea and the Big Soccer Chelsea forum. "I just need to download them, memorize them and practice them in a place where literally no one can hear me."

Friends say that Hartford barely sings when he attends United States games as he prefers to rely on other people to make noise.

"There's no way he is going there and actually going to do much of anything," stated moderately decent friend who only knows Hartford through Twitter, Thomas Olivares. "I'm pretty certain Dan is just going to seize up, look around and try not to sing so he doesn't give away his yank accent."

Hartford, however, is adament that with a bit of practice over the next four months that he will be ready to go as he stated, "I'm not ready now so please do not ask me to sing anything because I'm not ready at all. However, I'll totally be ready in a few months... I just need some more practice time and I'll be ready to go. I'm absolutely certain that I can get some of these memorized by the time I visit the stadium."

The Nutmeg News will have more when Hartford admits that he forgot about any of this in 3 months. 

Architecture Team Asked To Change Stadium Renderings For New USL Side To Reflect Mostly Empty Stadium

Meridian, MS - The owners of prospective United Soccer League side Atletico Meridian reportedly asked Stanley, Williams and Deloitte, the architecture team responsible for their stadium renderings, to scale back the renderings to accurately reflect a mostly empty stadium.

THE PASSION!

THE FEVER!

"After interacting with the local community, it became apparent that we may have overestimated the interest in a team here," stated club president Jefferson Lauderdale. "We asked our architecture team to scale back the crowd numbers in the stadium proposal to reflect what we think the atmosphere will really be like."

According to insiders who had a look at the new renderings, the stadium crowd scenes were modified from a 10,000 person capacity filled stadium with flags, smoke, T.I.F.O, and concession stands to a two sided High School Football grandstand and roughly 500 disinterested people attempting to surf on their phones while keeping their children from running onto the pitch.

"It's probably the most truthful thing I've ever done," stated designer Peter Williams. "If you look closely you can even see a man drinking way too much under a VIP tent and ignoring his wife while she attempts to see if she can book another session with her personal trainer Rocco. We went deep on this one."

Fans of the team say that they are excited for the new rendering regardless of the changes.

"We know that soccer CAN and WILL succeed here," stated the president of the Atletico Meridian supporters group, club president and owner of the team Jefferson Lauderdale. "Meridian just needs a chance for professional soccer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Atletico Meridian postpone their start date to 2020.

Historic Rivalry Of Six Months Finally Boils Over Into Violence

LOS ANGELES - The historical rivalry of Los Angeles Football Club (LAFC) and the Los Angeles Galaxy that waxed eternal over the last six months finally boiled over into a frenzy of aggressive faux-hooliganism as LAFC fans attempted to finally put their imprint on the age-old rivalry by smashing a cooler, stealing scarves and generally being dicks to Galaxy fans.

"THIS IS OUR TIME," stated LAFC fan Sam Howelston as he ceremoniously burnt a LA Galaxy scarf that he bought the week before from Amazon. "WE CONTROL THE CITY, AS WE HAVE SINCE THE START OF THIS RIVALRY SIX MONTHS AGO."

The Nutmeg News sent a reporter to speak to rivalry historian Dr. James Frank Odderbody at the University of South-East California. 

"The origin of the rivalry is MANY days old. It is lost to history, but the roots are deep within the area. What you see is a class divide as LAFC is seen as the working class club owned by billionaires and the Galaxy are seen as the elite club also owned by billionaires. It's an age-old conflict of class values. The super rich versus the super rich, an american tradition. What we have here is the proxy conflict exacerbated by the clear dominance of AIG in the inflated ticket market."

We spoke to Galaxy fan Sean Driscoll who stated, "They were everywhere, suddenly. I thought I was going to drop my beer. They kept saying, 'welcome to LA,' but I actually live 10 minutes from here so I don't know what the hell they are talking about."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this historical rivalry is compared to the eternal derby of NYCFC versus RBNY.

Bradley Wright-Phillips Plans Elaborate Three Kit Reveal For Upcoming Hat Trick

NEW YORK - According to insider sources, Red Bull New York forward Bradley Wright-Phillips is planning an elaborate three kit reveal for an upcoming hat trick.

"We've already made up 101, 102, and 103 kits," stated one anonymous source, "and Bradley is planning on running around in four kits on game day to show how committed he is to the bit."

With a forecasted high of 87 degrees for the next Red Bull home game, Wright-Phillips is reportedly keen to get off the mark.

"He doesn't want to run around for more than one or two games with four kits on, so he's going to score that hat trick as soon as possible," stated one anonymous player from Panama. "I expect fireworks."

When asked how Wright-Phillips would avoid "pulling a Hassli" our source stated that Wright-Phillips would wait to reveal the kits until after scoring the third goal and then pull off all the kits in a row before levitating out of the stadium.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Wright-Phillips debates being prepared for any number of goals that he could score by wearing 10 numbered kits under his kit.

Goodbye Post On Soccer Blog Generates More Traffic Than Previous 10 Articles Combined

INTERNET - The goodbye post from blog AroundMLS.com reportedly generated more traffic to the website than the previous 10 articles combined as the blog announced their departure from the internet to much critical fanfare.

"I'm going to really miss them," stated infrequent reader Jim Ellingsly who once complained about the website attempting to utilize Patreon in order to keep running. "They were a great example of a website that really connected with me regarding the league and I'm going to be sorry that they are gone."

These comments were echoed by soccer fan Henry Taylor who adamantly refused to turn off his ad-blocker when the website attempted to stay afloat by running advertisements, as he stated, "I'll really miss AroundMLS, but I'm confident that their legacy will be enshrined in the hearts of all soccer fans. I just wish they could've figured out a way to stay online. I guess it is just a sign of the times, here."

Even the community on Reddit mourned the loss of AroundMLS as user RickNMortyStan4SSFC stated, "I didn't even know they had a website. I just thought it was a Twitter account."

Toxic reddit user FinnBalor4PrezPlzSendNude commented, "Wow, I just thought about sharing something on my Facebook page from them but decided against overwhelming the general flood of Infowars links that my Parents were sharing online, but I wonder why they had to pull the plug."

With the veteran website closing up shop, many Soccer Writers took time to wish the bloggers for AroundMLS.com well as they stated, "Good luck, I'm sure someone not affiliated with my current job will consider picking you up before they realize that they are in danger of being fired for writing a critical piece about the NFL and stop returning your emails."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as AroundMLS writers consider relaunching the website for 1 second before letting the domain expire and sighing a giant sigh of relief.

Amway Canadian Championship Comes Down To Two Canadian Teams Again

For the 17th year in a row, the Voyageurs Cup (also known as the Amway Canadian Championship) boiled down to two Canadian teams as there were no teams from the United States left in the competition.

With Toronto FC and the Vancouver Whitecaps set to face off in the 2018 Championship game, it calls to mind the distinct lack of champions from the United States.

"What we have seen is unchecked Canadian aggression," stated Soccer writer, wine enthusiast, and tax accountant from Edmonton, Fabian Helfor. "The streak continues again this season as no American team has ever made it to the quarter-finals of the tournament."

Fans of both the Whitecaps and Toronto Football Club state that they demand their teams put everything into winning the Voyageurs Cup.

"We must increase Canadian dominance of this tournament," stated Whitecaps supporter Patricia Glassman. "Any slip in our performance would leave a tournament spot open to whichever team would claim them. I refuse to see Kansas City hosting the Voyageurs Cup."

We spoke to Fox analyst Alexi Lalas who called the lack of participation by American teams in the Voyageurs Cup a, "National disgrace that shows we should overthrow Canada politically and install a puppet dictatorship until United States teams are in the final or 200 years pass."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Canadian dominance continues into 2019.

Positive Attitude About Team Returns After Soccer Fan Is Unable To Log Onto Twitter

Salt Lake City, UT - While being unable to log into Twitter due to a cell service problem, Real Salt Lake fan Brent Daniels stated that he noticed a servere increase in his overall positive attitude regarding the MLS side.

"After not being burdened by all the negativity online I'm feeling a lot better about the chances of RSL this season," stated Daniels. "It's amazing what not looking at my phone every few seconds can do."

According to friends and family, Daniels is often seen looking at his phone repeatedly when bored, when busy and when doing literally every activity including watching television, playing games, family gatherings, funerals, weddings, attending concerts and sexual intercourse.

"He's always on that damn thing and he is always depressed," stated grandmother Denise Daniels. "I tell him that he just needs to step away from it and realize that Craig Waibel is going to be fine or he isn't... but what is Brent going to do. Now let me tell you about Alvaro Saborio, oh those were the days."

For his part, Daniels admitted that he likely spends too much time on Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook with the endless negativity from those versions of social media shaping his perspective of everything from the team selection to how well the team was playing.

"I actually realized that it's been forever since I actually... you know... watched a match all the way through. Did you know that Beckerman cut his hair," asked Daniels as his phone went off during our interview indicating that his cell service was restored and our interview was over.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Daniels walks into a glass door while staring at his phone while trying to decipher a tweet regarding RSL from an anonymous troll account.

Woman Surprised To Read News About The NWSL That Isn't Regarding A League Scandal

Piscataway, NJ - Sky Blue fan Laura Ingram was surprised to read news, on Tuesday, about the National Women's Soccer League that wasn't regarding a major league scandal as she gleefully savored a column about Sam Kerr and Megan Rapinoe winning ESPY awards.

Oh........ok......... maybe not THIS particular article.

"This is the most positive article about the league I've seen in over a month," stated Ingram to The Nutmeg News. "Nowhere does it mention the federation pulling players in the middle of a playoff run for meaningless friendlies. Neither does it mention the deplorable conditions at Sky Blue. Neither does it mention that we haven't had a commissioner for the league in over 500 days. Admittedly it's only a few sentences, but at least it is positive!"

Ingram reportedly savored the column before turning to another one on Valve about the possibility of the NWSL falling to pieces that included a stinger regarding her club possibly failing or moving before she closed out her twitter and went to a company bathroom to sigh and think about having scotch for dinner.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Ingram attempts to keep herself from clicking on an additional column about Sky Blue that she finds on another blog.

Portland And Los Angeles To Send 11 Best Lawyers To Re-Contest US Open Cup Quarter-final

LOS ANGELES - After indicating that they were interested in litigating the 3-2 quarter-final loss to Los Angeles FC in the US Open Cup, the Portland Timbers announced that they would be sending their best 11 lawyers to take on the best 11 lawyers of Los Angeles Football Club in a winner advances to the second round of arbitration battle of the west.

"We are looking for a fair judgement in this match," stated owner Merritt Paulson. "Our fans won't accept this loss and neither will we and it will be up to the courts to decide who advances in the US Open Cup."

We spoke to owner Los Angeles FC owner Will Ferrell who lapsed into shtick as Anchorman Ron Burgundy before we were sent to speak with Peter Guber who stated, "The battle was decided already on the field but if they want a way.... they've got one. We have so many lawyers on retainer that we could field two separate teams of lawyers to battle against each other."

According to Major Lawyer Soccer (MLS) analyst Matt Hoyle, the battle will be one of contrast as he expects the Timbers legal team to come out in a 5-4-1 and attempt to smother the LAFC legal team in subpoenas and requests for evidence.

"It'll be a battle for the ages! 11 v 11 of the highest paid lawyers in the west that aren't currently working on a sexual harassment settlement for a Republican senator in Washington D.C."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation considers moving the entire tournament to this style of play.

Hinkle Grateful For Second Chance To Hate Lesbians Internationally While On The United States National Team

Cary, NC - An effusive Jaelene Hinkle stated that she was, "Thrilled and grateful for the second chance to hate lesbians internationally," after she was offered a second chance to represent the United States.

"Not everyone gets a second chance to represent the National Team after they previously turned them down because they wouldn't wear a rainbow colored number on their kit because their religious belief makes them think that all gays and lesbians are horrible monsters" stated director of US Soccer Bill Williams. "We knew that Ms. Hinkle would really seize the opportunity to show her bigotry on the international level and show that she isn't constrained to just an national following."

Fans of the player say that you can't discriminate against Hinkle due to her religious belief that lesbians are forcing their lifestyle on the general public and that unrepentant sodomites will burn in the fires of hell.

"Hinkle is right and including her on the national team really enforces that the US Women's National team welcomes everyone including players who agree to appear on a television program where the host suggested a man move to Saudi Arabia and become a Muslim so he could beat his wife," stated evangelical Christian Darla Heathersbee.

However, reportedly, members of the gay and lesbian community were shocked that a US Soccer entity that just held pride events last month would include someone on an official roster that appeared on a television show where the host stated that Haitians made a deal with the devil, during the 1791 slave revolt, which eventually caused the 2010 devastating Earthquake.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as US Soccer continues to work both sides of the aisle.

Kombucha Speakeasy Opens Adjacent To Audi Field Supporters Section As Nearby Seat Prices Rise

WASHINGTON - A Kombucha Speakeasy named "Moreno's Hideaway" is set to open at the home of D.C. United, Audi Field, as seat prices in the area of the Speakeasy are rising as a result of the new business opportunity.

Go DC United. I don't say Vamos because it is cultural appropriation.

"What we are seeing here is the same thing we've seen in Shaw, Columbia Heights, Eckington, and Petworth" stated director of urban development for the district, Carl Edwards. "Rapid gentrification has pushed out the original inhabitants of their area and made way for exclusive and sometimes aspirational shops that cater to new clientele."

With the speakeasy opening, property value next to the hidden Kombucha dispensary has tripled as members of the Screaming Eagles clamor to be the ticket holders next to the stores in section 135 they look to patronize.

"They say that this ticket used to belong to a Salvadorian named Eduardo," named one season ticket holder who wished not to be named. "However, I got it at a deal. Now that I'm here, I'd like to really see the neighborhood charm improve. I hear that they are opening up an artisinal donut shop in section 134 and that ticket value is going up 300% overnight. I'm very interested in some property close to that, I'll tell you what."

Not all D.C. United fans are please with the development, however, as long term resident of D.C. United games Hector Gutierrez mourned the loss of his fellow fans.

"There used to be Salvadorian and Mexican families right over there," motioned Gutierrez to the horizon. "Right next to them there used to be some single families that I knew who used to attend ticket by ticket. They've all been pushed out of the stadium now. I heard a kid on this block who is called Kaiden. Kaiden... man. I miss my friends, now. I'm the last of a dying fan, on this ticket block, and when I'm gone, all the Latin American flavor is gonna be gone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an artisinal salt shop opens in section 133 that creates a rush of gentrification moving out of the supporters section into some comfortable seats away from the "urban boundary."

Seattle Reign Implement Supporters Group Loyalty Oath Program

Seattle, WA - The Seattle Reign front office, today, instituted a new loyalty oath program for their supporters groups where they mandate that all members of a supporters group must swear unwavering fealty to the front office of the Reign.

"...and I swear to not use ANY naughty words, ever."

"To speak out against the Reign front office is tantamount to treason," stated Seattle Reign owner and President Bill Predmore. "We will require all members of our supporters groups to swear an absolute loyalty oath to the front office of the team and the employees thereof."

Insider sources with the Reign say they are tired of criticism from their own fans of game-day operations and the way in which the supporters groups are run by the Reign. The loyalty oath will require a signed statement that indicates the fan in question will never publicly criticize the front office, the game-day operations, the stadium, the bathrooms in the stadium, the concessions in the stadium or the security in the stadium, and especially not the front office run supporters group.

"Fans come and go," stated Predmore to The Nutmeg News. "But the front office is forever and you need to swear to this front office that you will not speak out against it in order to receive tickets in the Royal Guard. It's only a natural extension of our national predicament in which unpatriotic loudmouths are trying to ruin the country. We will not let that happen to the Reign and we will vigorously crack down on any and all supporters of this team if they are not 100% in lock step with everything that comes out of the front office."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Royal Guard ask for permission from the front office to attend the next home game.

Area Soccer Fans Disappointed By Home Run Darby

WASHINGTON - Area soccer fans that turned out for the Home Run Derby were reportedly disappointed in the D.C. spectacle.

"I've been a passionate, lifelong supporter of Dumbarton FC," said Silver Springs native Brad Chadderson, "But I thought I would give this darby a go. I must say that I've been quite gutted that I don't get to see the lads on the pitch,"

"I was all collywobbles to attend," stated soccer fan Sandra Evans of Baltimore, MD. "I thought the darby was gammy and I didn't expect the organizers to to make such a cock-up.  I was coming out to see Rooney!"

Not everyone was disappointed in the activities as Roger Dilbow of Bethesda, MD really found some enjoyment in the comparison of the Derby to a game familiar to all Americans.

"I watch the Ashes on Youtube pretty religiously, so I feel like I get the basic idea," stated Dilbow to The Nutmeg News. "The bowler delivers the ball to the batsman, who attempts to strike it, and if it crosses the boundary without touching the pitch, he is awarded a run. I'm chuffed to attend this local Darby!"

Our reporters spoke with Chad Bradderson of Alexandria, VA who attempted to pick one of the local eleven. "I'm not sure who to support," stated Mr Bradderson.  "The only club I know is Boston, because of the American version of Fever Pitch. Is there a Croatian player? I found out on http://Ancestry.com that my great-great grandfather was born in Slavonia so that's close enough for me. This is truly eventful darby, even if the rules make no sense. It reminds me of PKs -- sorry, penalties."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we pour a pint of bitter, order in a curry and some chips; and sit down to watch the lads in the derby.

CORRECTION: This article was originally titled Home Run Derby, and it is (of course) Home Run Darby.

Google Search Function Crashes As American Sports Writers Look Up Population Of Croatia

THE UNITED STATES - The Google search function crashed immediately following the England v Croatia game as sports journalists across the United States looked up the population of Croatia in order to utilize that statistic in their lede, columns and analysis about the game.

"I was planning on writing about how Croatia is the size of some random po-dunk town in the United States," stated one anonymous Sports Illustrated writer.

"I was going to write a scathing column comparing the size of Croatia and the size of the United States in condemning the US Soccer Federation development tactics," stated one anonymous Washington Post writer

"I just needed some filler to open up my column," stated and ESPN FC writer on a deadline.

Engineers with Google say that searches of "Croatia Population" spiked 1000% over such searches as, "Is Harry Kane's mouth always that way?" and "Where does Mario Mandžukić play and is he related to Mario Lemiux somehow?" and "How can I connect Lebron James to Luka Modric."

"Look, I just need the information for my stinger so that I can pepper my column with some insight," stated an SB Nation blogger who was working for free and unable to pay his water bill.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as multiple columns contrast Croatia, Uruguay and the United States in terms of size and player development.