Kombucha Speakeasy Opens Adjacent To Audi Field Supporters Section As Nearby Seat Prices Rise

WASHINGTON - A Kombucha Speakeasy named "Moreno's Hideaway" is set to open at the home of D.C. United, Audi Field, as seat prices in the area of the Speakeasy are rising as a result of the new business opportunity.

Go DC United. I don't say Vamos because it is cultural appropriation.

Go DC United. I don't say Vamos because it is cultural appropriation.

"What we are seeing here is the same thing we've seen in Shaw, Columbia Heights, Eckington, and Petworth" stated director of urban development for the district, Carl Edwards. "Rapid gentrification has pushed out the original inhabitants of their area and made way for exclusive and sometimes aspirational shops that cater to new clientele."

With the speakeasy opening, property value next to the hidden Kombucha dispensary has tripled as members of the Screaming Eagles clamor to be the ticket holders next to the stores in section 135 they look to patronize.

"They say that this ticket used to belong to a Salvadorian named Eduardo," named one season ticket holder who wished not to be named. "However, I got it at a deal. Now that I'm here, I'd like to really see the neighborhood charm improve. I hear that they are opening up an artisinal donut shop in section 134 and that ticket value is going up 300% overnight. I'm very interested in some property close to that, I'll tell you what."

Not all D.C. United fans are please with the development, however, as long term resident of D.C. United games Hector Gutierrez mourned the loss of his fellow fans.

"There used to be Salvadorian and Mexican families right over there," motioned Gutierrez to the horizon. "Right next to them there used to be some single families that I knew who used to attend ticket by ticket. They've all been pushed out of the stadium now. I heard a kid on this block who is called Kaiden. Kaiden... man. I miss my friends, now. I'm the last of a dying fan, on this ticket block, and when I'm gone, all the Latin American flavor is gonna be gone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as an artisinal salt shop opens in section 133 that creates a rush of gentrification moving out of the supporters section into some comfortable seats away from the "urban boundary."