LOS ANGELES - After indicating that they were interested in litigating the 3-2 quarter-final loss to Los Angeles FC in the US Open Cup, the Portland Timbers announced that they would be sending their best 11 lawyers to take on the best 11 lawyers of Los Angeles Football Club in a winner advances to the second round of arbitration battle of the west.
"We are looking for a fair judgement in this match," stated owner Merritt Paulson. "Our fans won't accept this loss and neither will we and it will be up to the courts to decide who advances in the US Open Cup."
We spoke to owner Los Angeles FC owner Will Ferrell who lapsed into shtick as Anchorman Ron Burgundy before we were sent to speak with Peter Guber who stated, "The battle was decided already on the field but if they want a way.... they've got one. We have so many lawyers on retainer that we could field two separate teams of lawyers to battle against each other."
According to Major Lawyer Soccer (MLS) analyst Matt Hoyle, the battle will be one of contrast as he expects the Timbers legal team to come out in a 5-4-1 and attempt to smother the LAFC legal team in subpoenas and requests for evidence.
"It'll be a battle for the ages! 11 v 11 of the highest paid lawyers in the west that aren't currently working on a sexual harassment settlement for a Republican senator in Washington D.C."
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the US Soccer Federation considers moving the entire tournament to this style of play.