"Please Apply For The Team You Already Have," States Major League Soccer To Columbus

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, told the city of Columbus that they would need to apply, financially, for the soccer team they already have as the league attempts to figure out more way to extort money from a city that isn't budging.

MORE BIDS! MOOOORE BIDS!

"We want more expansion fees and we got screwed on this whole Austin thing," stated Mark Abbbot, president of Major League Soccer. "So we are going to need Columbus to reapply for the team they already have when we rip it away from them in a year."

Sources within the league state that there is absolutely zero chance that Columbus would actually get a second soccer team, but that the league sees this as a way to try to get some good publicity back on their side and make some money while doing it.

"There's no way Don is going to let Columbus back in the league when he has the option of picking between them and Miami," stated one anonymous MLS staffer. "But the optics on this are really great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it is revealed that the bid process is a sealed envelope with cash delivered directly to the suit pocket of the members of the MLS Governing Board.

The Nutmeg News Presents: 2017’s Best Cities For Soccer Fans

Around the latter half of 2017, Americans and Canadians realized that they like soccer in some capacity. However, they also realized that they, more than anything, like to remain cool. How then, to combine the both and which location is the best for doing so?

In this piece we detail the best cities for soccer fans in North America.

All ideas available from http://warisanlighting.com/soccer-ceiling-fan.html

#10 - Gainsville, FL

During the month of June, the daily high is around 89°F in Gainsville. Imagine what a soccer fan could do for your air quality at this time.

#9 - Atlanta, GA

This is a great location for a soccer fan. Almost everyone is running air conditioning, but imagine having a soccer fan gently buffeting that cool air around you as you relax and wait for the Premier League to kick off.

#8 - Dallas, TX

Again with the air conditioning, but there are some locations in the older parts of University Park that needed a window unit. This would be a great location for a soccer fan

#7 - Nashville, TN

Soccer fans unite! Because that larger apartment needs some air circulation and you are staying in this summer to eat some ribs before you head out to the Bluebird for writers night.

This is more the classy fan option with a reduced blade presence.

#6 - San Jose, CA

A surprise entry on this list, but there's a few high vaulted ceilings that make this location one of the best cities for a soccer fan. Having one at this location will really keep your summers cool.

#5 - Houston, TX

That Houston made this list isn't surprising, but that Dynamo fan Darla Hendricks apartment could use a soccer fan is surprising. She recently realized that it would class up her second bedroom.

#4 - Montgomery, AL

Even in a football stronghold state, Montgomery shows up as an outlier location that would be perfect for a soccer fan. The humidity, heat, and inclination to stay inside makes this a fantastic place for a soccer fan and propels "The Gump" up to #4 on our 2017's Best Cities For Soccer Fans

#3 - Providence, RI

The only location in the north east that qualifies for The Nutmeg News best cities for soccer fans makes the list because of a request sent from Providence mayor Jorge Elorza to make the list. Congratulations Jorge, and congratulations Providence!

#2 - Phoenix, AZ

There's hot and then there is Phoenix hot. Literally anything that gets air moving around you and possibly cools you down is good in Phoenix. That makes the Arizona city beat out the competition to land the #2 best location for soccer fans.

#1 - Guadalajara, MX

Best city for soccer fans. Enough Said. The United States and Canada won't be true soccer nations until they are able to seize the crown, but right now the available heat, climate and passion that the locals have for soccer fans has Guadalajara seize the crown.

Death Of Five Professional Teams A New Modern Day November Record

UPDATED - 11-30-2017

Analysts say that the death of five professional teams during the month of November is a new modern day record as the health of the game in North America was announced to be at an, "All time high," by the US and Canadian Soccer Federations.

HALLELUJAH! 

FC Kansas City in the National Women's Soccer League, FC Edmonton and the San Francisco Deltas in the NASL, Whitecaps 2 and the Rochester Rhinos in the USL all folded during the month showing how Canada and the United States are the leading soccer countries in the world.

"I never believed that we could make it to the point where five teams failed during one month," stated the President of the US Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "All I know is that it shows the health of this nation that we can have four teams fail and just keep chugging along like everything is just fine."

Reportedly, US Soccer was disappointed that the Crew weren't killed, as well, during the month of November as the death of five teams during the month would really show the standings of US Soccer on the world level.

"We had high hopes for the Crew, but we are going to be a bit delayed on that," stated Steve Reed, president of the Canadian Soccer Association. "We did get close to five when Dayton Dynamo suspended their 2018 season, but it looks like they are going to be playing in 2019. We also may get Rochester by the end of the month.  So, theoretically we are still in play for five. We have a $1 bet on the over/under of the situation."

UPDATE - The Rhinos, today, announced that they would be going on hiatus for the 2018 season. We are going ahead with counting them because we are petty, horrible people.

We reached out to the commissioner of the National Women's Soccer League and received no response.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when the death of the NASL, as a whole, happens.

Podcast Host Maintains That The Best Soccer Content Comes In The Fourth Hour Of Six Hour Show

Houston, TX - Dynamo podcast host Jeremy Munoz continued to state that the best content on his 14 man call-in podcast on the Houston Dynamo comes in the fourth hour of the irreverent show that blends an attempt at humor with endless conversations about the minutia of his soccer club.

"ANYONE REMEMBER COMPACT DISCS?"

"Trust me when I say that you really need to make it to the fourth hour to get our podcast," stated Munoz to The Nutmeg News. "All the content from the fourth hour on is really just amazing, thought provoking, and educational. You really need to give it a go."

Friends of Munoz say that their ability to listen to a six hour podcast is impossible, despite giving frequent assurance to Munoz that they are listening.

"Yeah, I try to listen to about 30 minutes in order to get some of the inside jokes so I can reference them, but I have shit to do. I'm not listening to a 6 hour soccer podcast," stated friend Dave Van Hatten. 

Munoz, none the less, continued to press friends into the idea that they needed to listen to the first 3 hours in order to "get" the fourth hour on of "Dynamo Dealings FM."

"The last episode we got into a long form discussion of the first three hours of the show in the fourth hour of the show and then we talked about the fifth hour of the show so that when we got to the sixth hour of the podcast we were just ready to throw out all our inside jokes," stated Munoz. "You should give it a try. I recommend our 8 hour show from three weeks ago. It was very good after about the 5th hour, but there were some great periods in the 2nd hour."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Munoz continues to archive his posts so that everyone can get the inside jokes from hour 5 of show 43 of year 3.

Black Friday Supporters' Group Forms To Cheer For Rampant Capitalist Consumption

NEW YORK - In an ode to soccer fans the world over, a new supporters' group formed on Black Friday to cheer for rampant capitalist consumption and the ways in which they would win the gift giving season.

Sporting scarves, two-sticks/two-poles and T.I.F.O, the Rockefeller Ultras showed up to their local Wal-Mart to support themselves as they attempted to make a complete ass of themselves on Friday morning for discounted deals on moderately shit televisions, computers without enough memory, and children's toys that will be discarded for the box in which it came.

"This whole thing started out of our love of scarves, designing scarves and singing things about ourselves," stated Rockefeller Ultras capo Davis Dillon. "We are here to support the boys, and by the boys I mean myself who wants some cool stuff I don't really need that I can’t afford and that will be instantaneously disposable in an effort to forget the overwhelming depression that this society rams home into your cell phone and computer."

Singing songs such as

"Weeeeeeeeee out spend you.. weeeeee out spend you...
you're shit at buy-ing gifts. "

and

"We've got bigger income-to-debt ratios than you......."

The Ultras began to ready their newly activated credit cards with the optional cash advance for the big day.

Last season, The Rockefeller Ultras displayed a T.I.F.O with the statement, "Here To Win - Here to Spend - Here to Dominate," with a picture of Rich Uncle Pennybags in Laurels from the Monopoly game.

"This is capitalism, not socialism. We are here to spend money we don't have on things we don't need to make people we hate (ourselves) unhappy about our choices at a later time. We plan on dominating the credit card signup game and pushing all the responsibility off to a later time so that we don't even have to think about it," stated Ultras member Sandy Tamver.

"This season is about giving so I plan on giving more than every other person out there. I'm going to give so much that everyone will recognize me for my giving. I'm going to Instagram, Twitter and Facebook my giving so that everyone knows how great a person I am. I'm going to give, give, give on every social media feed until people know that I'm the best giver, and the best at this gift getting thing. I’m going to give so much to myself that it’s going to take weeks of showing all the gifts I got myself on my Instagram page.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Rockefeller Ultras open charter membership in Los Angeles, Chicago, Portland, Seattle, Dallas, and every city in every state in the US.

F.C.C. Plans Net Neutrality Repeal In Confusing Move For Soccer Team

Cincinnati, OH - In a confusing move for a soccer team, Football Club Cincinnati (F.C.C.) took aim at a signature Obama-era regulation Tuesday, unveiling a plan that would give Internet providers broad powers to determine what websites and online services their customers see and use.

F-C-C!

F-C-C!

F-C-.... wait... what are they doing now?

Under the soccer teams proposal, companies like Comcast and Verizon would have the ability to restrict traffic to specific websites, block websites they do not like and charge higher fees for specific services like streaming.

Football Club Cincinnati's effort would roll back net neutrality regulation which was passed by F.C.C. in 2015 in an effort to secure a spot in Major League Soccer.

"We were told that the only way to prepare for a spot in Major League Soccer was to start acting as evil as possible as soon as possible," stated owner Carl Lindner III. "In this effort are spearheading an effort at terminating net neutrality laws, stopping all online streaming of games other than our own sources and ensuring that anyone wanting to view an F.C.C. game will pay an additional fee per game of $25 per hour." 

Lindner stated that this was in line with a memo sent out by Don Garber to, "Squeeze those fans for every dollar they are worth."

The Nutmeg News will have more as fans rebel against the F.C.C. for their overreaching attempt at ruining any semblance of a free and open internet.  

"And That's My Long Form Piece On The Enganche Position In Lower Division Argentina Football," Says Writer Applying For Subway Sandwich Artist Position

BOSTON - Unemployed soccer writer Isaac Seward was reportedly having difficulty shopping around his talents to local businesses in the Boston area by utilizing his long form piece on the Enganche position in South America.

"Would like cheese? Would you like a story about the tarnished legacy of Brazilian superstar Garrincha?"

"I've applied with Dunken Donuts, Downtown Convenience, and Subway without success," stated the long time SB Nation writer and sometime contributor to Four Four Two magazine. "I don't understand how they can't see that my talents lend themselves to their company."

Subway manager Dana O'leary stated that she thought Mr Seward probably could do the job, but that she was concerned that his ability to go on and on and on about trivial and esoteric items in world soccer would lend itself to him not properly cleaning out the bread machine at the end of the evening shift.

"It's great that he has been writing for 4 years for what appears to be some blog company, but if he wants to write he shouldn't be applying at subway. Maybe he should be applying to Sports Illustrated or something. He is presenting himself as being overqualified for this job, but his only qualification is, apparently, remembering obscure facts from a sport that isn't very popular here."

For his part, Mr. Seward appeared to not be bothered by his rejection from Subway as he stated, "I'm going to apply to ESPN for a long form journalism piece. I'm guessing after they finish firing everyone, they are going to need to hire someone. It makes complete sense. And then my resume of writing for free will come into play."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as, in the mean time, Mr. Seward applies to Roxy's Gourmet Grilled Cheese food cart.

Columbus Crew Announce Attendance For Tomorrows Game As 9,563

Columbus, OH - The Columbus Crew, today, announced the attendance for tomorrow's game against Toronto FC as 9,563 despite the game having not been played, yet.

See! Crew fans just don't show up for games!

Commissioner Don Garber stated that he was disappointed with the attendance for such a vital game, but that it just showed why it was so vital for the Crew to move to Austin.

"A community that won't show up for their team doesn't deserve a team," stated Garber as he cackled maniacally. "We must deploy the Crew to Austin in order to diversify our brand portfolio and allow us to fudge attendance numbers in three Texas cities. Look, if people see a sold out stadium and passionate fans they might start asking why a team should move. We can't have that."

Crew owner Anthony Precourt stated, "This just shows how awful the fans in Columbus are really. I hope that everyone knows the truth now. They can't even show up for a future game that hasn't been played. That's exactly why I screwed them over with the worst television deal in the league a couple years ago and intentionally understaffed the security clearance teams for the last playoff game."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans claim foul on the improvised attendance numbers.

NWSL Thanks Thousands Of Suckers Who Thought They Were Getting A Team In Kansas City

The National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) sent out a press-release on Monday thanking the thousands of suckers who thought they were getting a team in Kansas City.

L.O.L.

You thought you were going to get to keep this team? Nah.

"We would like to thank all the people in Kansas City who came out and supported the team with more effort and vigor than we put into finding a way to keep the team in Kansas City," stated Amanda Duffy, the managing director of operations. "We would like to thank all the fans who bought gear, cheered, supported and were evangelicals for a league that abandoned them for another city. And I like to thank all the players that played for free for FC Kansas City because we, as a league, love our amateur unpaid players."

League officials stated that fans in Kansas City could be proud of their two NWSL championships and the possibility of being an odd trivia question roughly 15 or 20 years down the road.

"We are building this league off the sweat equity of our fans, so it behooves us to ensure that we disenfranchise them just as much as any other league in the United States. It's not that we hate FC Kansas City fans, we just can't believe they dumped money into our league for so long. Everyone in the league owes them a huge debt for propping up other portions of the league and we won't remember any of that when it comes time for us to start praising the Salt Lake franchise."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Salt Lake fans are assured this isn't going to happen to them.

22nd Season Of MLS Close To Cancellation After Extending Plot Points Too Long

Known for taxing the patience of fans, Major League Soccer (MLS) is reportedly close to cancellation after fans rebelled against the drama extending plot points too long.

"Look, I like a long season with varying storylines, but at some point I need some closure," stated soccer fan Damien Plaf. "This is starting to drag on like Nashville and that didn't make it past season 6 on CMT."

The 22nd season of MLS had 34 episodes for each team, up from 32 in 1996, with a varying number of plot points, most of which wrapped up over a month ago leaving fans wondering why the show was still running.

"We've had a baby, closed on a mortgage and almost completed our move since the last time Major League Soccer was on TV," stated television fan Carl Edwards. "I'm going to need a recap just to remind myself what is going on. Are the twins on the show still? Was that Project Runway? I'm pretty certain even THAT wrapped up, by now."

According to TV Series Finale, as of today, there is still no word on the future of Major League Soccer. While some fans will be disappointed if there isn't a renewal, most fans actually forgot the league was still running.

"If I wanted long, drawn out plot points with a decent amount of grunting and thrusting, I'd just turn on an episode of Outlander," stated Stacy Conroy. "Can we just get to the games please and close this season out?"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the 2017 season continues into the year 2123.

Too Late For Porter To Get Back The Akron Sweatshirt He Forgot

Portland, OR - After finalizing his break up, last night, a newly single Caleb Porter realized that it was far too late for him to get back the Akron sweatshirt he forgot at Providence Park.

"I thought about having Darlington go over and pick it up from them, but that's just really awkward," stated Porter to The Nutmeg News. "I just need to make a clean break, and I guess my favorite oversized Akron sweatshirt is part of that process."

Porter reportedly began receiving text messages from former partner Merritt Paulson, this morning, that started out with base platitudes such as "why are you doing this to me," and "we were great together," that eventually turned into a series of lurid shots of the 2015 MLS Cup.

According to Porter, Paulson suggested the two just meet up for some coffee or alligator wrestling, that they didn't even have to talk about formations or player acquisition at all, but Porter insisted the two needed some time away from each other. "Down the road you will likely thank me for this," stated the former coach of the Timbers.

Sources from within the Timbers front office indicate that Merritt Paulson will have all new coaching candidates for the Timbers try on the Akron sweatshirt during their interviews.

Paulson was last seen blasting November Rain on repeat in his stadium suite.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Porter receives a text message stating, "I miss your musk."

"Moving The Rowdies Here After MLS Got Bored With The Market Was Our Only Chance To Get An MLS Team," States Upset Las Vegas Soccer Fan

LAS VEGAS - Local soccer fan Deryk Valenzuela admitted that he was upset that the Tampa Bay Rowdies bid to join Major League Soccer (MLS) fell apart (according to a recent report in Sports Illustrated) as he realized that having the Rowdies eventually move to Las Vegas after MLS got bored with the market and the team started demanding stadium renovations in 10/15 years was the only way his city was going to get a decent MLS team.

"I want an MLS team in Las Vegas and the only way we are getting one is if we steal one from another city," stated Valenzuela to The Nutmeg News. "We watched it happen in Austin, we watched it happen in Houston and in Orlando and now in Salt Lake, in the NWSL."

While Valenzuela admitted that he knew about the Las Vegas Lights as he stated, "I'm not going to follow that USL shit," to our reporter.

"I only want the top tier teams and the way that you get a team in Major League Soccer is either by having a sugar daddy owner buy his way into the league with a sack full of money or by stealing one from another city. I don't want the Rapids, when Stan Kroenke gets tired of owning them.... I want the Rowdies. We could even keep the name. The Las Vegas Rowdies sounds great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Valenzuela continues to hope for a breakthrough in the Rowdies to MLS bid so he can plan on having a MLS team in 15 years when the league gets tired of the market.

Woman Attempts To Dress Herself Without Wearing Team Or Supporters Clothes

Seattle, WA - Sounders fan Theresa Hall apparently attempted to dress herself, this morning, without wearing team or supporters clothing in an attempt to appear more grown up and professional.

Hall's Monday and Tuesday hoodie.

"Every. Single. T-Shirt," stated Hall to her friend Stephanie over Twitter DM. "Every. Single. T-shirt was Sounders or ECS related."

Reportedly, Hall's attempt at professionalism resulted in friends and co-workers calling out her obvious attempt at being more professional as they noticed that she wore an unbranded outfit for the first time in 4 months.

"You aren't wearing an ECS hoody, jeans, and a Sounders beanie..... so... what's up with that? You have a job interview today," stated co-worker Dawn Regenold. "If you are leaving, you need to let me know."

Hall's attempt at professionalism also threw her barista off as he rudely stammered, "Did you get some sleep... or like.... Something's different...um....."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hall returns home, takes off her professional attire and sinks into a pair of leggings, an over-sized Sounders hoody and a Sounders beanie (or tuque if you are Canadian).

Blowhard Who Completely Failed At His Job Given Air Time To Talk About Why He Isn't Responsible

Blowhard and ex-coach Bruce Arena was, reportedly, given air time on Tuesday to talk about why he wasn't responsible for the United States failure to make the 2018 World Cup.

People who were forced to watch the babbling idiocy of Rob Stone, Alexi Lalas and Bruce Arena yukking it up in the studio talking about national team quotas stated that they felt a large amount of anger that one of the men responsible for the failure of the United States was given such leeway.

"If I failed at my job that much I would be fired without severance and asked to leave the building," stated Emergency Room nurse Jaqui Reynolds. "It's amazing how many opportunities you get in life if you are a male sanctimonious blowhard."

Pipefitter Larry Henderson stated, "If I was told to do a job and I failed to do so, I wouldn't get another cushy job explaining why things happened the way it did. I would be chastened, disciplined and likely fired. In the real world, failure has consequences. I guess things are easier when Fox has low standards and they need a muppet with a superiority complex."

The Nutmeg News will probably have more on this because assuredly Bruce Arena has more dumb things to say.

Southern States To Erect Monuments Of 2017 USA World Cup Qualification Team

A grouping of states in the southern half of the United States of America announced their intention to erect monuments to the victorious losers who valiantly failed during the disastrous 2017 United States World Cup Qualifying process.

Rebecca Blackwell / Associated Press

"Not building these 2017 World Cup Monuments, or any monuments from our history, will not change the past. But it will make for a poorer, less enlightened future," stated director of statues and monuments for Virginia, Bill Lemar. "I'm someone who believes in more monuments, not less monuments. This is about the heritage of our country and our continued, unchecked greatness as depicted through statues that will inflict psychic pain on United States soccer fans every single time they look at them."

"This nation is being TORN APART by not having statues and monuments of our glorious losers," stated director of symbology and retconning for the DeVry Institute, Harvey Dilborough. "If we want to commemorate the time we missed the world cup with a statue of a weeping Christian Pulisic, you should accept it. This is about the heritage of our country."

According to southern city planners, there are monuments to specific players and moments from the 2017 United States World Cup qualification disaster being planned across the United States that will exhibit scenes like that of Michael Bradley sitting on the ground while Trinidadian players celebrate behind him.

"We must celebrate our history. In another hundred years we can claim that we never lost this world cup at all."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the bronzed statues take life.

Blogger Ready To Make Way Too Much Of Every Little Thing That Happens During Portugal v United States Game

LOS ANGELES - USMNT blogger John Corbyn stated that he was ready to make way too much of every little thing that happens during the meaningless Portugal v United States friendly, today.

LETS GET THIS MEANINGFUL GAME GOING!

"I'm going to frame by frame analyze tactics, players, expressions, laughter, tears, statements, water delivery, fans, coaches, everything," stated Corbyn on his twitter account @RealPatriotSoccerNews. "I'll publish what the cabal of secret USSF funded writers are afraid to write regarding the control of the presidency over individual player movements and the restrictions that are placed upon them by Sunil Gulati."

Corbyn started his coverage of US v Portugal by breaking down the Bruce Arena interview beforehand with word by word introspective long form tweets that verged upon unreadable as dozens of his followers deserted him after his 32nd tweet in a row.

"THIS IS IMPORTANT," ranted Corbyn. "IT INDICATES WHERE WE ARE GOING AS A SOCCER NATION."

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as the game is utterly meaningless.

Argentina Wouldn't Be Losing To Nigeria If They Had Promotion/Relegation

Salt Lake City, UT - Self proclaimed activist Stan Rocheleau stated, "Argentina wouldn't be losing to Nigeria, right now, if they had promotion/relegation," after doing absolutely zero research on the subject in the first place.

You know it's true.

Waiting until Argentina gave up the lead as Nigeria scored 4 goals, Rocheleau vehemently went on a tirade on his Twitter account about the self inflicted misery that exists within Argentina as he decried the current system abut which he knows nothing.

"This is all a conspiracy by the Argentina Football Association to keep down teams like um.... whatever they are called there..... from playing local players to increase their standings in the world league."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rocheleau continues his tirade without fact checking.

Self Absorbed Narcissist Admits He Is Perfect For Supporters' Group Leadership

NEW YORK - Timothy Ross, a self absorbed narcissist, admitted that he is perfect for supporters' group leadership as he announced his candidacy for leadership of any position that is open within NYCFC's fan groups.

I don't TAKE pictures.... I make pictures, of myself... in a mirror. It's hard finding good subject matter.

"I'm the right person for the job," stated Ross to his two Twitter accounts, his Facebook account, Instagram account, Snapchat account, Reddit account, 4chan account, 8chan account, IRC account, Slack Channel, and Voat account. "I'm a capable person who is very interested in stepping into the limelight and taking this supporters' group to the next level."

According to himself, Ross is the most likely candidate to lead a supporters' group because he knows he is the best candidate to lead a supporters' group and that knowledge that he is the best transfers itself down into every facet of his life.

"I know when to call out other people for not toeing my line and following my arbitrary rules," stated Ross into a mirror. "I know what the culture needs, and it needs more people like me. That is, people who are relentlessly obsessed with their status and position who can also use charity initiatives to make themselves look good. After all, that's what a good supporters' group does. It uses charity initiatives to embed themselves into the local community, raise funds for various things which in turn then allows the leaders to claim moral superiority over their fellow fans and also allows the local community to gloss over their abusive language in the stands. It's a win win for everyone except those that don't have time to commit to all of these extraneous activities that a supporters group does other than going to a soccer game."

We spoke to NYCFC supporters for their thoughts on the election process.

Sandra Ovamento, 22 of Brooklyn: "Well I know who he is, so I'm probably voting for him. He has a lot of Twitter followers and knows everyone, so that helps.

David Thornberry, 31 of Queens: "Everyone else running doesn't seem very confident. Plus I've seen him at games."

Paul Guiterrez, 24 of Queens: "I really don't like him. I think he is a cocky punk, but he's the only name I recognize."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this happens everywhere that politics exists.

"All New Expansion Teams Must Utilize A Viking Clap," States Major League Soccer

NEW YORK - Releasing a new document detailing requirements for expansion, Major League Soccer (MLS) stated that, "All new expansion teams must utilize a viking clap."

That sweet sweet Viking Clap

"It is a requirement in a league for new teams and new supporters groups," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "A viking clap is imperative not only for atmosphere but for consideration of expansion. LAFC have already agreed to implement a viking clap, Atlanta United have a viking clap. Seattle Sounders have a viking clap. You cannot be a successful team without a viking clap."

Sources within the league state that the modified FCC Viking clap for FC Cincinnati has increased the bid possibility of Cincinnati from possible to probable as the team showed the initiative to get on trend with Major League Soccer.

"Cincinatti went from a nice story to a shoe-in with the viking clap," stated our insider with Major League Soccer. "The league loves a good viking clap so it was only a matter of time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the trend shifts back to vuvuzelas and Seven Nation Army.

OP/ED: Anyone Know Who Won The MLS?

Editor's note: Views and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily reflect those of The Nutmeg News. Today's letter is from Jerry Earles of Memphis, TN.

Anyone know who won the MLS?

Does anyone know? I asked my grandson Kaiden when he came over to fix the Facebooks, but he didn't know. There aren't any games on ESPN and it seems like the end of the season. Someone had to win.

I remember back when the Diplomats were playing, we knew who won and we knew who lost. These days I can't figure out if anyone has won anything. You'd think that I could just ask my phone for the news, but she doesn't know anything either.

So if the league still isn't playing, there aren't any games on TV, someone had to win.

Ok, well.... nevermind. Look, Linda is here now and she wants to make some stew. It's delicious. You should come over some time and try it. Barbara and the kids were over last week for some stew and we sang some delightful old songs while she played at the piano. It was a reminder of old times with the kids all gathered around and Bill playing the squeezebox.... er... I'm rambling on, but still did anyone win the MLS?

Thanks,

Jerry Earles