Portland, OR - After finalizing his break up, last night, a newly single Caleb Porter realized that it was far too late for him to get back the Akron sweatshirt he forgot at Providence Park.
"I thought about having Darlington go over and pick it up from them, but that's just really awkward," stated Porter to The Nutmeg News. "I just need to make a clean break, and I guess my favorite oversized Akron sweatshirt is part of that process."
Porter reportedly began receiving text messages from former partner Merritt Paulson, this morning, that started out with base platitudes such as "why are you doing this to me," and "we were great together," that eventually turned into a series of lurid shots of the 2015 MLS Cup.
According to Porter, Paulson suggested the two just meet up for some coffee or alligator wrestling, that they didn't even have to talk about formations or player acquisition at all, but Porter insisted the two needed some time away from each other. "Down the road you will likely thank me for this," stated the former coach of the Timbers.
Sources from within the Timbers front office indicate that Merritt Paulson will have all new coaching candidates for the Timbers try on the Akron sweatshirt during their interviews.
Paulson was last seen blasting November Rain on repeat in his stadium suite.
The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Porter receives a text message stating, "I miss your musk."