Rec League Roundup: After 5 Minute Shift, Forward Ready For Sub

Trenton, NJ - After a particularly strenuous 5 minute shift for his team, forward Dmitri Pavlov raised his hand and called for a sub from an already exhausted bench signifying his full commitment to uselessly running around like a chicken with its head cut off until exhausted.

SUB!

"I haven't really been running recently," stated Pavlov to The Nutmeg News. "Honestly, I haven't been doing any cardio. I know that people were depending on me, I know that we have a limited number of players any given week and I know that everyone paid good money for this but honestly, I'm tired from staying up all night to play Destiny 2."

Pavlov reportedly signed up for for The Bricklayers FC after assuring friend Dominic Hollings that he would be in shape for the season stating that he could, "run all game long, no problem."

Sources indicate that Pavlov only made it 5 minutes into the Fall season for The Bricklayers until he was asking for a substitution as the shallow bench gave each other glances to see who would replace him. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pavlov jokes on the sideline about his poor diet and training schedule.

Bailout Coming For L.A. Galaxy As League States Club Is Too Big To Fail

NEW YORK - In long letters sent to Major League Soccer Clubs this week, the league regulatory agency pointed to the dangers created by the global reach and complexity of LA Galaxy, which are bigger now than they were before the 2001 soccer crisis. League officials laid out a permanent path to playoffs for the struggling team as they indicated they would be allowing L.A. into the playoffs permanently, regardless of league position, until they can get their team solvent, again.

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

A league that lets clubs fail!

"WHY?"

Because we love misery for ourselves and others!

"DO WE THINK THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!"

NO!

"THE POST PROTEST LUNCH IS AT SBARRO!"

The current arrangement of 10th place and 27 points for L.A. Galaxy could “pose serious adverse effects to the financial stability of the Major League Soccer,” the regulators said in their letter to The Nutmeg News.

The regulators this week did not come close to calling for an additional and yet unnamed player acquisition rule for the Galaxy to exploit, yet they did in effect provide backing for Mr. Garber's premise that not enough has been done to safeguard the financial system that LA Galaxy provides to the league.

“The goal to end too big to fail and protect the Franchise investor by ending bailouts remains just that: only a goal,” Mark Abbot, the deputy Commissioner of the M.L.S., said in a statement. 

The FED (US Soccer Federation) and the M.L.S., which jointly oversee the largest clubs, agreed that the plans put forward by five of the big franchises, L.A. Galaxy, D.C. United, New England Revolution, F.C. Dallas and New York Red Bull to allow permanent playoff access and unlimited player signings after the window closed for all original teams were “not credible or would not facilitate an orderly resolution under the U.S. Soccer Code of perceived fairness.”

However regulatory officials stated that they would be allowing permanent access for L.A. Galaxy to the playoffs regardless of league position in order to prop-up a diminishing fan-base capital. 

"We cannot continue too big to fail, but we must take care of our assets. With a new club opening in the same location very soon, we require solvency and relevance at every level. As such, we are prepared to deploy an incentive package to bail out L.A. Galaxy which includes playoff access, as the first step, followed by further incentives if they struggle including unlimited player signings, unlimited financial incentives, player steering and schedule reconfiguration. We are fully prepared to prop up L.A. Galaxy against the vagaries of the market," stated Mr. Abbot.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Galaxy reconfigure their entire roster during the 2017 offseason seemingly in violation of whatever shadow rules M.L.S. has.

Father Questions Coach's Commitment To Sparklemotion FC

Kansas City, MO - Local Kansas City resident Peter Swick started a campaign to have U12 coach Stephen Orwitz removed as the head coach of his son's youth soccer team Sparklemotion FC, on Thursday. Using the hashtag "#OrwitzOut" Swick posted his views to Twitter and then copied the tweets to the team's Facebook group and slack channel.

"Despite what your parents may have told you, I am not the antichrist hell bent on corrupting you with NFL values."

"He's unfit to be a coach," Swick told The Nutmeg News, "What alerted me to this is that he uses the phrase 'offsides.' Are you kidding me? He's a coach and he doesn't know how to drop the 's' from offside? This is the first year the boys are really starting to get into the game. They're playing 9v9 and introducing more rules like the offside rule. Maybe it's time we introduced proper coaching as well."

Nutmeg News reporters spoke with Coach Orwitz who had the following to say. 

"Oh, I never really thought about it, to be honest. I grew up watching american football with my dad and grandpa and it's kind of a hard habit to break after 40 some years. I guess I never picked up that there's no 's'."

Coach Orwitz has been voluntarily coaching soccer for 5 years ever since his son started playing and dedicates three nights a week plus Saturday mornings helping encourage and coach the boys to become better soccer players. 

"He's a hack and I question his commitment to Sparklemtion FC, I question his commitment to soccer and I question his love of the game." Swick ranted online. "Supposedly he says his favorite team is Manchester United, but there's no way that's the case if he doesn't use the proper football terminology on and off the pitch. Oh sorry, I forgot we're under Orwitz's bastardization of terms leadership. I mean to say proper SOCCER terminology on and off THE FIELD. #OrwitzOUT!"

We told Coach Orwitz about Swick's Twitter campaign to have him removed as the coach. "Mr. Swick? Logan's dad? You mean the guy who shows up to the games Saturday mornings stinking of booze and wearing Premier League gear? The same one that yells over me to the boys and tells them to get in formations that we haven't taught them? I'd love to see him coach just one practice with 15 boys, 4 of which are ADHD and one of which has Tourettes. Let's see if he doesn't accidentally leave an 's' on offside." 

The remonstrations of Coach Orwitz did nothing to dissuade Swick from his campaign to remove the man as he responded, "Is he abusing the boys? Physically, no. However, some would not hesitate to say that what he's doing is nearly as bad as physical abuse. What he's doing has really long term consequences and some would say that does qualify. I'm not saying that's me, but I'm just saying that it'd be best if he were just removed. #OrwitzOut."

When asked if he would be willing to fill in as the interim coach Swick stated, "That depends. Will I have to interact with parents? I like to drink whiskey when watching Premier League games on the weekends and I usually show up to the kids games pretty buzzed. It's the only way I can watch this crap."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Swick continues his tactic of being a bully on social media and yelling at the coach from the sidelines.

Boone's Farm Named Official Wine Of The NPSL

The National Premier Soccer League (NPSL) announced a partnership with Boone's Farm as the boutique vintage wine-like beverage was named the Official Wine of the NPSL.

STRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWBERY HILL! 

(It's no Rock N Rye, tho)

"We are excited to work with Boone's Farm and E & J Gallo Winery," stated Joe Barone, Chairman of the NPSL. "We feel like our unique clientele and our players can empathize with the unique terroir brought to the table by Boone's Farm."

Fans across the league are reportedly excited for the new partnership saying that the fortified hangover machine will help them cope with the standard of play for some of the teams.

"Hell yeah I'm excited," stated Elm City Express fan David Hughes. "It'll help with those summer doldrum games. You ever try Watermelon on ice with some Sprite? It's amazing. You can LITERALLY feel the hangover creeping up on your brain."

Jose Guiterrez, a fan of Chattanooga FC, stated that he was, "excited for the opportunity to watch a game drinking Boone's Farm and wake up passed out in a pile of my own sick in front of JJ's Bohemia."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as branded NPSL Boone's Farm makes its way to a empty loading dock near you.

Millennial Can't Find Depeche Mode On Transfermarkt

Raleigh, NC - 19 year old soccer fan Edward Ramos was reportedly shocked that he was unable to find new NYCFC acquisition Martin Gore and his former club Depeche Mode on www.Transfermarkt.com

He looks a bit old, but he DOES look fit.

"I've never even heard of this club," stated Ramos to The Nutmeg News. "Are they a Bulgarian first division team? It kinda sounds German or Austrian. Did NYCFC get a veteran Austrian winger on the cheap?"

Ramos stated that he thought it was weird to announce a signing in such a haphazard way, but that with Didier Drogba going to Phoenix, recently, that it wasn't out of the realm of possibility.

"One of my friends said that he was a musician, which is cool," stated Ramos. "I wonder if he knows The Weeknd or Drake. I know that Neymar likes to play music, but his tastes are all SUPER old like John Legend. I like it when soccer players try to play music AND stay relevant."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ramos tries to find Depeche Mode on FIFA 2017.

Orlando Pride Fan Still Waiting For GO90 Stream To Resume

Tampa, FL - Orlando Pride fan Heather Pulaski admitted that she is still waiting for the Orlando Pride v Seattle Reign stream to resume after riding out Hurricane Irma in an effort to see the full game as it happened.

I think it moved..... no....... no wait....... no it didn't.

"I know there were evacuation orders, but I really need to finish watching the Pride v Reign game. I couldn't leave because I think the stream is going to restart soon," stated Pulaski to The Nutmeg News.

A long time resident of Tampa and an Orlando native, Pulaski wasn't about to let a little hurricane stop her from being able to see Alex Morgan and Ashlyn Harris take on the Reign.

"I figured that with a streaming service I should be able to hunker down and watch the game. I rightly assumed that I'd be done watching this game in enough time to evacuate for Irma, but I've been streaming this thing since Thursday so I'm hoping it will start back up soon. I'm not about to give up now. At some point, go90 is going to fix their service and I'll resume. I JUST KNOW IT."

Pulaski noticed that the stream stopped working about 2 minutes into the game and infrequently started sputtering off and on getting her to 20 minutes before turning to a black window with a spinning circle. She fired up a hand powered generator to keep her phone running when she lost power, this weekend, as she lived in hope that go90 would actually be able to show the game in full.

"All that happened was that stupid spinning circle in the middle of the screen, but I'm going to find out what happens in this game before it gets spoiled on twitter if I have to stay watching this thing spin for the next few years."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pulaski goes on year 4 of waiting for the Pride v Reign game to finish streaming.

Rampaging Fans Celebrate Timbers Victory By Gentrifying Brooklyn Neighborhood

NEW YORK - Reports came in from our affiliates in New York City that rampaging fans celebrated the Portland Timbers victory over New York City FC (NYCFC) by gentrifying Sunset Park West, a Brooklyn neighborhood.

(Nicole Craine for The New York Times)

What this place needs is an artisanal salt store.

Crowds of ebullient Timbers fans were seen opening slow churn, locally sourced ingredient ice cream stores, artisanal salt stores, and 24 hour robotic kombucha vestibules in the Brooklyn neighborhood.

"WOOOOOOOOOO. TIMBERS!" yelled Donald Young formerly of Irvington, Portland who opened up a speakeasy-barber shop-liquor store-record shop-electro dance DJ supply store on 52nd street.

Reportedly, the new Portland transfers have taken to informally renaming Sunset Park to Axe Town, as an homage to their favorite sports team. 

The Nutmeg News spoke to new Sunset Park (Axe Town) residents Tom and Larry Hillsbottle, formerly of the Clinton Neighborhood in Portland, who stated that they finished closing on their new residence and would like to see the gentrification of their neighborhood stop, now.

"We purchased this place 5 minutes ago to live a real Brooklyn lifestyle and we feel that it is important to stop demolishing Brooklyn's history. Now that we are here, it's important to keep other people from getting here, including the rumored Voodoo Doughnut New York expansion that we are currently protesting with the sign on our front window that states, 'STOP THE BRUTAL GENTRIFICATION."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Timbers fans leave Brooklyn for Minneapolis next year.

Orlando City Fan Actually Excited For Orlando Magic Season, Now

Orlando, FL - Orlando City fan Thomas Rogers admitted that he is actually excited for the upcoming Orlando Magic season, now, after a terrible 2017 for the local men's soccer team.

JOCK JAMS!

WHOOMP THERE IT IS!

ARENA ROCK! 

"I didn't think I'd be saying this come September, but I'm looking forward to any sports team better than the shitshow I've been watching for the past few months," stated Rogers to friends.

"The Magic finished 13th in the East last season and, at best, are going to be excitingly bad, but at least they aren't foundering in the crime pages."

According to sources, Rogers lowered his expectations for Orlando City Soccer Club over the 2017 season until he found himself below his lowered expectations for the Magic thus allowing him to tap into some kind of perverted, enthusiastic hope for the Magic played against his disappointment in the 2017 OCSC season.

"I'm taking in more Pride games, as well. They are winning, playing well and, something that is very important to me right now, not embarrassing the community. Only a little over a month until I'm let down by the Magic. It's a great time to be alive."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Rogers debates turning his Kaka kit into an Alex Morgan kit.

Man's Suggestions To Fix Supporters Group Revolve Around Him Doing Absolutely Nothing

CHICAGO - While stating that he was ashamed and fed up with the culture and behavior of Section 8, soccer fan Paul Henderson detailed his opinion online while offering suggestions to fix the group that involve him doing absolutely nothing.

"Look, I'm not a racist, but... I don't like politics mixing in my supporters groups. Everyone knows there's no racism if I don't experience it," - Paul Henderson

"I've got a lot of problems with Section 8," stated Henderson before launching into a list of deeply held grievances which he never aired to anyone personally before the pressure release of an online post allowed him to explode in a squealing ball of white hot rage. "I just want the experience to cater to my experience as long as I don't have to put any effort into the experience."

Reportedly, much of Henderson's beef comes from a poor interaction with supporters in the section over 4 years ago when a sober and irritated Henderson clashed with some drunk fans. 

Insider sources indicate that it was from this point on that Henderson meticulously collected incidents that supposedly proved his verbose online rant that Section 8 were a bunch of drunks that didn't like to watch the game and were European cos-playing idiots.

"I don't participate in Section 8, have no intention of doing anything to resolve my differences with the group, and spend most of my time at the games with my arms crossed alternating between irritated disgust at the supporters group and watching the action on the field; but let me tell you why they are a bunch of assholes," ranted Henderson to an online web forum. "My solution involves me not getting involved, and having them realize what they are doing wrong from some kind of psychic osmosis where they understand my issues without interaction and understand that my words are truth and fix it themselves."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Henderson continues to complain on line and avoid any in-person conversations that could likely fix his issues with the supporters group in the first place.

Deep Cut From Future Islands Doesn't Take Off As Terrace Classic For Crew Fan

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew fan Charlotte Evans admitted that her attempt to get Seize A Shark, from electropop band Future Islands, utilized as a song for the Columbus Crew failed as she bemoaned the lack of song originality by Crew fans on Twitter.

Will Oliver/We All Want Someone To Shout For

SOME CAPOS NEED MICROPHONES

"It says something about our supporters groups that we can't all get together to sing a deep cut from the original Wave Like Home album," stated Ms. Evans. "It's a modern fucking classic, and everyone should know this electropop band that has elements of hardcore. How do you not know Future Islands?"

Reportedly, Ms. Evans was similarly upset when her attempt at getting Lazerhawk - Overdrive going failed.

"How do you not know LAZERHAWK? My god? Do you folks not listen to music at all? We just do syncopated DO OD OD OD OD ODO DOODODODODOODODODO and some jumping around in the stands. It worked for Seven Nation Army, why can't we do it with Lazerhawk? How the hell do you not know who Lazerhawk are? Next thing you know my fellow Crew supporters are going to tell me that they can't see Com Truise as a modern belter in the Nordecke. Can we at least get a Denzel Curry 'Ultimate' chant going? People know it from that Spongebob meme. CREW IS THE ONE.  DON'T WEIGH A TON. DON'T NEED TO BE NUMBER ONE TO GET RESPECT UP ON THE STREET"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ms. Evans angrily stews in the stands at the capo conspiracy to squelch her excellent song suggestions.

United States Fans Ask For New, NEW Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

In part two of our continuing saga of, "US fans blame coaches or home field advantage rather than acknowledging that they just don't have world class soccer players because the whole system of soccer in the United States is a for profit entity that systematically excludes developing youth from most parts of society that aren't wealthy and compounds that problem by existing in a atmosphere of athletic run-fast development rather than any nuance or tactical know how," here is our copy-paste revision of our article from 2015.

After the disappointing loss to Costa Rica and the draw to Honduras, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Damarcus Beasley and Omar Gonzalez players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

It's a hard knock life, for me.

"I find it reprehensible that Jozy Altidore is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Wondolowski would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to an unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Bruce Arena, who they were ready to bestow a sainthood upon about 2 months ago.

"It's Arena's fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions, or... you know... Honduras."

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Arena out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the World Cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

US Soccer To Shut Down After All Sons And Daughters Of Immigrants To Be Deported

CHICAGO - US Soccer announced that they would be shutting down after an order came in from the White House that all sons and daughters of immigrants, regardless of status, would be deported.

WELCOME TO GLORIOUS NATION OF UNITED STATES, PRESENT YOUR PAPERS TO PLAY STATE GAME OF BASED BALL.

"This federation, this country and this sport literally exists because of immigrants," stated President of the United States Soccer Federation, Sunil Gulati. "My parents immigrated to Connecticut from India when I was five years old.  IT WOULD BE MASSIVELY HYPOCRITICAL FOR OUR ASSOCIATION TO STAY SILENT ON THESE MATTERS."

Sources with the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS) stated that they couldn't find a single person involved with US Soccer who wasn't, in some way, the product of immigration both by legal and illegal means as is defined by the country.

"We decided to close the whole thing down. Soccer is socialism, and it is globalism at every level," stated the director of the INS, Jeremy Thatcher. "We find that nearly every single player, every single coach, every single director came from somewhere else either through themselves directly, their parents, their grandparents or their great grandparents. Many of them weren't aware that their parents and grandparents immigrated to the United States illegally. They just accept that since they were born here that this means they are fine. WELL THEY AREN'T AND THEY ARE TAKING OUR JOBS AT RIGHT BACK. So instead of just maliciously targeting Latinos and Mexicans like we usually do, we are just going to go after everyone."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Geoff Cameron personally volunteers to deport anyone ahead of him in the depth chart.

Cleveland Man Takes Blame For United States Loss

Cleveland, OH - Every four years soccer fan David Thorne stated, "We Didn't Play Hard Enough," as he accepted the blame for the lack of energy during the United States loss against Costa Rica in World Cup Qualifying.

"We just couldn't compete. It was tough, it was hard, but we just couldn't compete."

"We were just lackluster all night long," stated Thorne as he admitted the problem with the energy and passion in the team. "When we went up the field, there wasn't any cohesion. I kept screaming at Jozy to pass the ball or take a shot, but he didn't listen to my advice. We just couldn't get it together."

Friends claim that Thorne was merely standing at Merry Arts drinking a beer and shouting at the television in a nearly incoherent manner before crossing his arms and glaring at the television through a rapidly emptying beer for the last 60 minutes.

However, Thorne continued to insist that he was responsible for the United States loss in a wide ranging interview with our reporters. "We just didn't take the advice that Arena gave us, and we didn't feed off the positivity of the crowd. Tim and Geoff and Darlington and Bobby, we just weren't playing well together. I mean, you can't play well if you are nervous and we were nervous. I just wish we would get our shit together."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorne continues to admit his culpability in the first goal as he states, "we were too wide and I was yelling at Tim about that ALL NIGHT LONG"

US Fan Excited To Sing Two Songs And One Chant For 90 Minutes

Harrison, NJ - US fan Deryk Biloxi admitted that he was very excited to sing the two songs and one chant that all US fans know for 90 minutes tonight as he stated, "It's really great to be yelling about how awesome our country is to everyone again like nothing bad has happened."

WHOAOHAOHAAOHWAOAH WE LOVE YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Biloxi stated that he hoped that the American Outlaws would open up with USA - USA, a chant that he worked on over the past year to perfect the correct intonation and tone. "If we can start with When the Yanks... or maybe even USA - USA that will put me in my comfort zone before we go into We Love Ya. Then when we go back into USA - USA and then back into When the Yanks before heading back into We Love Ya. It's going to be great."

Biloxi then indicated he hoped the US fans would close with We Love Ya before heading into dead air followed by When The Yanks and USA - USA, followed by USA - USA again.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the reconfigured Red Bulls song of Twist And Shout makes Biloxi upset that the MLS club game is intruding on the songs he knows, as a NYCFC fan.

Area Soccer Fan Very Concerned About the Profitability Of FOX

Lincoln, NE - Soccer fan David Hays admitted that he is very concerned about the profitability of FOX stating, "if they need to interrupt the run of play in a soccer game to put in commercials then please do! I'll miss some game time action if that means that FOX can continue to make money."

Source: http://www.off-side.co.uk/f-fox-ruining-soccer-america

"I believe in trickle down economics," stated Hays from his mobile home outside Lincoln. "I know that if FOX makes money that it means MLS will become relevant and the United States will win the World Cup. That money will keep flowing downhill until I'm making some money for publishing my blog, www.offsidesfordays.com. So, I'm ready to miss a few goals or some game action in order to be bombarded by advertisements if that means that eventually I'll be getting paid to write and the United States will be the best team in the world."

Hays indicated that his enthusiastic embrace of FOX and the corporate environment equals his love of soccer as he stated, "My team, my home team, really is FOX and NBC Sports and every network that puts soccer on television. I don't have a rooting interest in a team in Major League Soccer. I root for money and I hope that FOX makes a bunch of it. Because that means that the United States will be world beaters and MLS will get rid of single entity and all it's going to take is a few 6 second adds to make all my dreams come true. Hell, I hope for advertisements that last all game long. Like, FOX could just put their name on the kits of the teams, and on the ad-boards, and on the television screen and maybe even sell advertising space to other entities! Think of all the money they could make! GO FOX!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hays diagrams advanced metrics for advertising campaigns including the expected goals of soccer commercials.

Stan Kroenke Admits He Wont Rest Until Arsenal Football Club Are Brought To The Same Level As The Colorado Rapids

St Louis, MO - In a wide ranging interview on the state of the business of soccer and a hair treatment for your upper lip, mustachioed reclusive billionaire Stan Kroenke stated that he, "Won't rest until Arsenal Football Club are brought to the same level as the Colorado Rapids."

In other words, dead fucking last.

"You can see how my investment and personal ownership style lent itself to the high standard we expect from the Rapids," stated Kroenke. "I just hope that eventually we can purchase an aging goal keeper for Arsenal and pay him entirely too much money while ignoring nearly every other position on the field. Oh... ok.... I'm getting a note from my team here that says we already did that, so well done everyone."

Kroenke has, reportedly, tasked out future initiatives for Arsenal with a possible stadium move to the countryside adjacent to London as Kroenke stated, "It's not important to have an accessible stadium. It's only important to have a cheap stadium that we can use to host 3 Doors Down concerts during the summer and a fireworks display for the Fourth Of July. I know what English soccer fans need and what they truly need is a patriotic fireworks display set to Lee Greenwood that will help them forget the abject failure that is their local soccer team. If it works in the abandoned lots outside of Denver, it will work in the countryside outside London. We also need more Smash Mouth concerts and fewer Champions League games. It's all part of the new revenue stream."

According to insider sources, Kroenke is also considering changing the name of the team to Arsenal Rapids SC, in order to offer better cross-promotional opportunities between the two teams he collectively ignores.

"It's going to be great. Both teams will be able to switch their jerseys, and when Arsenal finally changes to the burgundy of the Rapids, you won't be able to tell who is playing. We might even just use the same kits for both teams to save money," stated one anonymous source.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kroenke's reign of terror continues.

Prostitution And 9 Other Methods To Afford US Soccer Tickets

Millennials are well known in academic circles as the generation who shirked all their parents responsibilities that were clearly established as dutifully working for General Motors for 40 years until they get a pension, a free car and move to St. Augustine to drink themselves to death in an air conditioned trailer.

It has come to our attention that the lazy sods also want to go to soccer games and those ticket prices are CRAY CRAY LIT ON FLEEK!

So, here are 10 ways to fund the insane cost of US Soccer tickets, you lazy fuckers.

You may think you are entitled to a job, health insurance, avocado toast and a non-poisonous physical environment, but you are only entitled to working in the non-union mines looking for uranium. We are talking about North Korea, here, and there isn't an app for that, Aiden.

#1  Sell Methamphetamine

Yeah, you know it's horrible, immoral, and wrecks the lives of the people that get hooked on it, but ticket prices are $300 and World Cup qualifying only happens once every three years. Plus, if you don't go to jail, end up an addict or get shot pursuing this job you could end up with a job as a politician.

#2 Rob A Bank

They HAVE money. 

You NEED money.

What's so difficult to figure out? 

Plus you can now, finally, afford that sweet joke Wondowolowlowski authentic kit for $200 you've always wanted in that colorway that is only available for the month of September.

#3 Ignore Your Debts

You don't need to pay that student loan payment or credit card on time. After all, you are going to be paying for those 2002 poly-sci and welding classes from DeVry for quite literally the rest of your life. You already know friends that died from preventable diseases that carried their student loan to the grave so why not celebrate eternal debt by avoiding the conversation at all and spin up another credit card to carry you forward on your quest to sing USA USA USA at a mostly full stadium in New Jersey.

#4 Prostitution

The only reason why this suggestion is so low is because the demographic of a soccer fan in the United States and Canada is a young white male. We hate to break it to you, but you aren't in demand. Still, though, we should emphasize that while there is a social stigma against prostitution that you shouldn't care what people think because you are helping people out with their own issues and you'll also be making it to USA v Costa Rica. Point your heels to the heavens and think about Dom Dwyer.

We GUARANTEE there is a way you can make a living off the misery of other people, here!

#5 Insider Trading

Get access to a white color tech job before your company eliminates your (in order) healthcare, 401k, bonus, raise, and (finally) position in a cost cutting measure to improve shareholder value. Use your time to find insider knowledge in the industry that will allow you to buck the system and find someone that will help you capitalize on this for money. Chances are that you will go to jail, but everyone else that made money on your illegal deeds will be fine especially the traders on the floor. You'll probably be able to attend a game in a luxury box before the feds catch up with you.

#6 Join The Military

There's nothing Americans like more than perpetual war. Next to systemic racism, it's what we are truly exceptional at keeping going. Find a place with a recruiter that is giving a bonus. Get that money, kid. If you make it back alive we won't have a job, a functional VA, or government assistance for you, but you'll be able to spend that money you banked on some nice tickets if inflation hasn't made your money irrelevant or you aren't struggling with trying to get disability payments. Remember, deployment is TAX FREE! Afghanistan or BUST!

#7 Pull Yourselves Up By Your Bootstraps

Seriously, just stop being lazy, millennials. Back in my day we had a house purchased, a wife/husband found, and a job we could settle into by 28. Now you guys always act like houses are un-affordable, pensions don't exist, unions are demonized, healthcare is un-affordable, college is un-affordable, personal debt is spiraling out of control and politicians are actively working against both the future of the country, the environment and the global relationships that will facilitate growth in the future. Just get a job, make millions of dollars and stop complaining.

#8 Sponge Off Your Parents

They love you, which basically means free housing forever. That's why they bought that house back in 1974 for the cost of a heavily used Daewoo Nubira. Their mission is to house you throughout life. Free rent, free food, free laundry, so just figure it out. It's likely going to save your life.

#9 Vote Republican For Jobs And Money AND STOCKS And To Keep People From Stealing Yer Job

The reason you are poor is because someone else took your job with the high paying wages. Likely they don't look like you (wink wink) so blame them, absolve yourself of all your sins, get a confederate flag, vote republican and wait for the millions to roll in when Daddy Trump builds the wall. 

#10 Buy A Lotto Ticket And Pray

You need Jesus and he knows that you need money. The prosperity gospel works for preachers, so why shouldn't it work for you. Just make certain that you pray to the right Jesus and get those lotto tickets in bulk (STATISTICS!). When that baby hits you are going to fly all your friends to the World Cup FINAL AND buy a little piece of land out in the country where the air is peaceful and you can store your Bugatti Veyron.

Fans Ecstatic As Boston Breakers Lead NWSL In Yellow Cards

Boston, MA - Boston Breakers fans in the great Boston area admitted they were ecstatic as the Breakers continued their utter dominance of the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) in Yellow Cards earned, over the weekend.

FIRST IN THE LEAGUE!

The Breakers picked up another two yellow cards in their 1-0 loss that eliminated them from playoff contention with 4 games remaining in the season.

"I for one am excited by this statistical domination in one specific area of the game," stated Breakers fan Julie Reynolds. "It's really something for which I've been hoping as we continue to finish last in the league nearly EVERY.... SINGLE... FUCKING.... YEAR.

Hannah Timmons, a Breakers fan from Providence, stated, "I'm just happy that if we are going to lose more than 10 games in a season that we are going to do so by kicking the shit out of everything that moves. This joyful feeling must be what Western New York Flash fans felt for 10 seconds before their team was dismantled and sold to a group that cares more about soccer than Sahlen's hot dogs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Breakers look to solidify their yellow card ranking against the Orlando Pride on the 2nd of September.

MLS To Diversify Advertising Portfolio With Tinder, Friendster, Grindr, And Voat

NEW YORK - After revealing that half of the leagues advertising budget goes towards Facebook advertising purchases, Major League Soccer (MLS) announced that it would diversify the advertising portfolio that it has and start buying advertisement on Tinder, Friendster, Grindr and VOAT.

To be honest, VOAT is actually less relevant than Major League Soccer, and that is saying something.

"We feel like engagement can be had through these other online communities," stated Jared Hillsworth, director of advertisement, public relations and brownie making. "We are building a portfolio of hip online forums where cool millennials like to hang out talking about avocado toast while also discussing their conversion to atheistic socialism, student loans, and how hard it is to buy a house. We know that reaching out to the throbbing, engorged and passionate communities on Grindr and Tinder will really bring our viewership numbers up."

According to users of the social media apps and websites, they are not excited for the branding and marketing aspect of soccer to be included on their websites as Paul Stewart, a Grindr user, stated, "The last thing I need is another bunch of sweaty, athletic guys that aren't really interested in me with a profile on this site."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as MLS announces a massive partnership with Myspace and Napster.

Soccer Podcast Introduction Now Longer Than Content

Reno, NV - Soccer podcast TOUCHLINE TO TOUCHLINE reportedly reached a new high in terms of listener time wasted as their introduction to their North American soccer podcast is now longer than the actual content in their podcast.

"We've been trying for an enthusiastic remixed introduction that tells our listener what they are about to get served into their earholes," stated podcast host and dub-step DJ Arnold Rasmussen.

"Our introduction has been getting progressively more LIT and we know that all the people who follow our soccer podcast listen because they want a 20 minute introduction with a DJ remix of 10 second audio current events set to techno, dubstep, trance, hip-hop and downbeat running into a mashup of movie and soccer quotes and an energy turn down making the listener think the podcast going to start before the music starts cranking back up again."

Rasmussen and partner Skyler Havens (DJ Big Billz) stated that they've also managed to extend the chit-chat before they start talking about soccer to an additional 15 minutes as they machine-gun fire endless inside jokes and references to prior episodes from 2015 which no one currently listening to the podcast actually heard in real time.

"We are hoping to bring more of a sports radio foundation to our podcast by inserting drops, bumps and music that reflects the fact that our listeners are morons," stated Havens. "We hope that this will ease the transition from listening to sports radio to podcasts. If that doesn't our WET T-SHIRT WEDNESDAY remix introduction with Tawny Kitaen is going to be awesome."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we start our ROCKTOBER PROMOTION FOR BUD LIGHT WOO TASTE THE FLAVORS THIS SPOT BROUGHT TO YOU BY JOSTENS!