Prostitution And 9 Other Methods To Afford US Soccer Tickets

Millennials are well known in academic circles as the generation who shirked all their parents responsibilities that were clearly established as dutifully working for General Motors for 40 years until they get a pension, a free car and move to St. Augustine to drink themselves to death in an air conditioned trailer.

It has come to our attention that the lazy sods also want to go to soccer games and those ticket prices are CRAY CRAY LIT ON FLEEK!

So, here are 10 ways to fund the insane cost of US Soccer tickets, you lazy fuckers.

You may think you are entitled to a job, health insurance, avocado toast and a non-poisonous physical environment, but you are only entitled to working in the non-union mines looking for uranium. We are talking about North Korea, here, and there isn't an app for that, Aiden.

You may think you are entitled to a job, health insurance, avocado toast and a non-poisonous physical environment, but you are only entitled to working in the non-union mines looking for uranium. We are talking about North Korea, here, and there isn't an app for that, Aiden.

#1  Sell Methamphetamine

Yeah, you know it's horrible, immoral, and wrecks the lives of the people that get hooked on it, but ticket prices are $300 and World Cup qualifying only happens once every three years. Plus, if you don't go to jail, end up an addict or get shot pursuing this job you could end up with a job as a politician.

#2 Rob A Bank

They HAVE money. 

You NEED money.

What's so difficult to figure out? 

Plus you can now, finally, afford that sweet joke Wondowolowlowski authentic kit for $200 you've always wanted in that colorway that is only available for the month of September.

#3 Ignore Your Debts

You don't need to pay that student loan payment or credit card on time. After all, you are going to be paying for those 2002 poly-sci and welding classes from DeVry for quite literally the rest of your life. You already know friends that died from preventable diseases that carried their student loan to the grave so why not celebrate eternal debt by avoiding the conversation at all and spin up another credit card to carry you forward on your quest to sing USA USA USA at a mostly full stadium in New Jersey.

#4 Prostitution

The only reason why this suggestion is so low is because the demographic of a soccer fan in the United States and Canada is a young white male. We hate to break it to you, but you aren't in demand. Still, though, we should emphasize that while there is a social stigma against prostitution that you shouldn't care what people think because you are helping people out with their own issues and you'll also be making it to USA v Costa Rica. Point your heels to the heavens and think about Dom Dwyer.

We GUARANTEE there is a way you can make a living off the misery of other people, here!

We GUARANTEE there is a way you can make a living off the misery of other people, here!

#5 Insider Trading

Get access to a white color tech job before your company eliminates your (in order) healthcare, 401k, bonus, raise, and (finally) position in a cost cutting measure to improve shareholder value. Use your time to find insider knowledge in the industry that will allow you to buck the system and find someone that will help you capitalize on this for money. Chances are that you will go to jail, but everyone else that made money on your illegal deeds will be fine especially the traders on the floor. You'll probably be able to attend a game in a luxury box before the feds catch up with you.

#6 Join The Military

There's nothing Americans like more than perpetual war. Next to systemic racism, it's what we are truly exceptional at keeping going. Find a place with a recruiter that is giving a bonus. Get that money, kid. If you make it back alive we won't have a job, a functional VA, or government assistance for you, but you'll be able to spend that money you banked on some nice tickets if inflation hasn't made your money irrelevant or you aren't struggling with trying to get disability payments. Remember, deployment is TAX FREE! Afghanistan or BUST!

#7 Pull Yourselves Up By Your Bootstraps

Seriously, just stop being lazy, millennials. Back in my day we had a house purchased, a wife/husband found, and a job we could settle into by 28. Now you guys always act like houses are un-affordable, pensions don't exist, unions are demonized, healthcare is un-affordable, college is un-affordable, personal debt is spiraling out of control and politicians are actively working against both the future of the country, the environment and the global relationships that will facilitate growth in the future. Just get a job, make millions of dollars and stop complaining.

#8 Sponge Off Your Parents

They love you, which basically means free housing forever. That's why they bought that house back in 1974 for the cost of a heavily used Daewoo Nubira. Their mission is to house you throughout life. Free rent, free food, free laundry, so just figure it out. It's likely going to save your life.

#9 Vote Republican For Jobs And Money AND STOCKS And To Keep People From Stealing Yer Job

The reason you are poor is because someone else took your job with the high paying wages. Likely they don't look like you (wink wink) so blame them, absolve yourself of all your sins, get a confederate flag, vote republican and wait for the millions to roll in when Daddy Trump builds the wall. 

#10 Buy A Lotto Ticket And Pray

You need Jesus and he knows that you need money. The prosperity gospel works for preachers, so why shouldn't it work for you. Just make certain that you pray to the right Jesus and get those lotto tickets in bulk (STATISTICS!). When that baby hits you are going to fly all your friends to the World Cup FINAL AND buy a little piece of land out in the country where the air is peaceful and you can store your Bugatti Veyron.