Small Flicker Of Hope For 2017 Begins To Burn In Heart Of Orlando City Fan

Orlando, FL - A small flicker of hope for the 2017 season was found burning in the heart of Jessica Koblens at a local restaurant late on Sunday evening as the long offseason and lack of post season allowed Koblens the ability to forget about the 2016 season and look forward to next year.

"I noticed... you know... THAT feeling, when I was at dinner with my friend," stated Koblens to The Nutmeg News. "I was no longer thinking about the failures of 2016, but rather was starting to look forward to first kick and the pre-season for the 2017 season. I was almost exited again."

Reportedly, Koblens had this revelation while staring at a plate of bucatini at Vincenzos Cucina Italiana on International drive.

"I really can't wait for 2017," stated Koblens to friend Erica Henderson. "I'm actually, finally over the way that the 2016 season ended. Heath is gone, Kreis is in and now he will have a full pre-season. I started thinking about another year of singing for the boys in purple, celebrating Kaka, and hopefully not yelling things about his family at Nocerino."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Koblen holds out hope that Orlando City will struggle through the first 3/4s of the season, make a great signing, sneak into the playoffs, and then win MLS Cup on the road.

Luke Warm Miami Sports Fans Unaware They Are About To Miss Opportunity To Not Attend Miami MLS Games

Miami, FL - Luke warm Miami sports fans were, reportedly, unaware that they are about to miss a golden opportunity to not attend MLS Miami games as the Beckham FC franchise teetered on the brink of disaster.

The throbbing current of the Miami sports scene.

"I'm moderately pissed that I won't have the chance to ignore and not attend MLS games while meeting my friends at the beach for a party," stated Carlos Gutierrez. "It's pretty ridiculous that I won't have the same chance to not attend soccer, locally, like I do with the Heat and the Marlins."

Reportedly, hundreds of thousands of fans across Miami were also unaware that their chance to snub a local soccer team was close to evaporating.

"We are going to NOT get an MLS team? When were we going to get one? Didn't we already have something like that?" stated Veronica Nelson of South Beach.

"Wait, is this that whole thing with the guy from LA? Is that still happening?" stated Howard Marin of Wynwood.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as more Miami fans wake up to the fact that they are going to miss out on the chance to miss out on soccer.

"Why Would Anyone Want To Watch An Inferior Product?" Rants Idiot MLS Fan About The NWSL

Galveston, TX - David Haney, a Houston Dynamo fan, took time from his busy schedule working at the Waffle House on 61st St to bash women's soccer and the NWSL for being an inferior product despite watching every home and away Houston Dynamo game this season.

Haney submits every post by bashing his head into random keys.

"Why would anyone want to watch an inferior product? It's just women's soccer," stated Haney. "None of the women in the NWSL play with the athletic grace of a Boniek Garcia. I just don't understand why anyone would want to watch an inferior product when MLS is available."

Reportedly, Haney spent the last two days telling everyone on the social media and stormfront recruiting center website Reddit that the NWSL wasn't worth anyone's time as it didn't meet the high standard that Major League Soccer has set in the United States.

"As a Dynamo fan, it behooves me to say that I just can't understand why anyone would follow the Dash. The Dynamo have set such a high standard that it beggars belief that anyone would want to watch a game. MLS is the gold standard of greatness, and everyone knows it. There isn't any other better product in this galaxy or the next than Major League Soccer. That's why it is called Major League, because it is the best. MEN play Major League Soccer. Yes, that's right. Why on earth anyone would watch an NWSL game when they can watch Ricardo Clark meltdown in the middle of the field is beyond me. The NWSL players are slow, they play the game differently, and they have pony tails... PONY TAILS. My god, you can just SEE how awful they are. They need fast players like Will Bruin and David Horst. If the NWSL had more players like Will Bruin, then maybe we could talk about how people should be watching the NWSL."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Haney takes his idiotic viewpoints to Twitter.

MLS Expansion Rules Dictate That New Money Pays Old Money

NEW YORK - Buried in the new Major League Soccer (MLS) expansion rules was the edict for expansion that New Money pays Old Money as the league set forth their additional and transparent rules on expansion.

"You can clearly see the delineation between the expansion investment being paid back for the Whitecaps versus the expansion investment being paid back for the Chicago Fire."

"We needed to ensure that all the prospective entrants to the league understand that their fees will be used to ensure that the original investors and subsequent expansion levels are paid off appropriately," stated president of Major League Soccer, Mark Abbott. "We promised a return on investment to the vested owners that came into Major League Soccer on the second waive of expansion, and we still owe balloon payments to our original investors. Basically, the new expansion fees will pay off our old promised expansion amounts."

Reportedly, with a promised return on investment of 150% to 200% on original capital, the league has increased their expansion fees to an announced number of $150 million each with a promised eventual return of $300 million necessitating another round of expansion with $250 million expansion fees in another 5 to 10 years.

"It's important for us to continue raiding the pockets of future millionaires and billionaires to pay back the existing billionaires in Major League Soccer," stated Abbot. "Everyone's going to make some money, except the players. That's Clark and Dan Hunt's philosophy and we think it's great."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as current investors in the league prepare for their windfall checks.

Dentist Desperate For Soccer Talk Exaggerates Patient Conditions

Madison, WI - During a routine appointment with patient Wesley Jones, Dentist Isaac Browning randomly found out about Jones purported love of Manchester United making Jones the first ever patient that Browning was ever able to speak with, at length, about soccer.

"What do you think about the City formation in the wake of the Gundogan injury?"

MMMHMM MMHMMDMMM MMHMM AHHMMHMMH

MMHMMHM AHHHAHH AHH HAHHAHHAH

"Oh, so you favor a 4-4-2? Interesting"

"I couldn't believe the luck. A real soccer fan, in Madison... of all places.....I was just amazed that as he was getting a routine checkup that he was able to articulate, through a cheek retractor, that he was a fan of Zlatan Ibrahimovic. It was an amazing moment at the practice," stated Browning.

Reportedly, while Jones only went to Browning and Smith DDS for a routine checkup, he was immediately booked for 4 additional checkups to investigate molar strength, tooth enamel growth patterns and possible gingivitis that coincided with premier league games on Mondays. 

"It's going to be great to have someone to chat with about the game, even if he is sedated on laughing gas and getting his cavities checked while we watch Manchester United v Sunderland in two weeks. I can't wait to have some real lad time at the practice. I installed one of those portable flat screen TV's so we can watch the game and I ordered a pony keg! We are going to get LIT!"

According to Jones, his comment on Ibrahimovic was just to make conversation and he hasn't watched more than half a soccer game, ever. However he is very concerned about the health of his teeth even if four follow-up appointments in 2 months is a bit excessive. Jones stated to The Nutmeg News on Thursday that, "Dr. Browning said he is concerned that we may need a follow up root canal and exploratory root check during something called a Champions League Final. I don't know what that is, but I trust the Doc to get it done right."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jones continues to fake his way through a one sided Soccer conversation with his dentist in order to maintain his dental health.

MLS Announces 2017 Pre-Season To Extend Til September

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer, today, announced that the pre-season would now extend til September with only seven meaningful, counting games towards the playoffs to be played by all teams.

YOUR 2016 MLS CHAMPIONS PRE-SEASON.........KINDA!

"After the template set by both Seattle and Portland, we realized that the regular season is really just the pre-season until September, so we are going to allow all teams to just not care about their win/loss records until September, since they are doing that already," stated Mark Abbott of Major League soccer. 

The league also announced that it would be eliminating the supporters shield given that it really is reflective of a time where 27 of the games are played when most teams who win MLS Cup are still trying to figure out if they are crap or good.

"There's no reason for us to celebrate a team who plays well for 34 games, when we only care about what you do for 7 games and then the playoffs," stated Abbott. "It's the only way forward. We are just compressing our season into a bout of meaningless July games that gets teams in shape to play for the playoffs. MLS PLAYOFFS! AIMLESS CROSSES INTO THE BOX AND COUNTER ATTACKING 11  BEHIND THE BALL TACTICS! CATCH THE FEVER!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as all teams race for the bottom in order to win the cup in 2017.

Don Garber Warns Over The Impact Of Regional Fake Soccer

Detroit, MI - Speaking from a podium just outside an empty warehouse on Bellevue Street, the commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS) repeatedly warned the assembled bloggers from MLSsoccer.com.com.com about the dangers of Fake Soccer and the impact that Fake Soccer has on National Soccer Elections to Major League Soccer.

Image credit: Pat Batcheller

"They want to light smoke and swear and act like fools, that's fine,” stated Commissioner Garber. “Until they are ready to accept the fact that we created soccer supporter culture in America and that MLS is the only real soccer in this country, we are going to continue to let everyone know that they are fake soccer and should be ignored. Every time they win a game or a Rust Belt Derby match we will release tweets stating that people should ignore and block @NGSDETROIT and that any win is a fake soccer win and therefore shouldn’t have attention paid to it. FAKE SOCCER!"

We asked a Detroit City fan about why they were so vehemently against an MLS takeover of their club. They spoke to us on the condition of anonymity.

"MLS keeps calling us fake soccer, but they are the ones that are fake soccer. A few of us did an investigation to see where some of the MLS rivalries came from and we were unable to find any actual sources. It appears that some of the rivalries that MLS likes to wave around to generate TV ratings were entirely fabricated by MLS. They think that they can just artificially create passion among the newly formed supporters groups for the newly formed soccer teams that never had any support before the big money was paid to Garber. This is the kind of thing that you face when giving into the MLS. Let me guess, we join MLS and all of a sudden Columbus are our big rivals, right? Screw that. They are fake soccer, not us! FAKE SOCCER!"

Our reporter brought these points up Commissioner Garber who replied, "What do you expect from a fake soccer fan writing doing an interview for a fake soccer blog? We have created the greatest soccer culture in this country and possibly in the world and we are looking forward to having our Detroit team at some point in the future. Columbus fans are excited about their new up-and-coming rivalry that is just now starting to come into its own. We expect these games to garner even more attention than the other great rivalries in MLS like Real Salt Lake and Colorado."

When asked what Gaber thought about a Detroit City fan calling MLS fake soccer he replied with, “Nuh uh, we’re not fake soccer, they’re fake soccer. When you step back and look at the big picture you can clearly see that the Rust Belt has proven that it falls for fake news during election cycles, so it’s only natural that they would fall for fake soccer as well. We're here to provide a solution to that.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when both sides realize that all soccer in the United States is Fake Soccer.

Despite Excitement Over MLS Cup Win, Sounders Fan Decides To Not Re-Watch Game

Seattle, WA - Despite his excitement over the Seattle Sounders MLS Cup victory, Sounders fan Jerrod Abel decided to not re-watch the game, settling for a replay of the penalty kicks instead.

Pretty much the only exciting part of the game.

"I've already bought a championship scarf, a t-shirt and re-watched the final kick a few times, but honestly... I really don't want to re-watch the game," stated Abel to The Nutmeg News. 

"Look there's absolutely nothing in that 120 minutes of soccer that I need to see again. It's really all about the 5 kicks that we took at the end of all that that makes it worth while."

Reportedly, Abel set his DVR to catch the game and wisely set it to extend in case the game went to extra time. Upon arriving home from the bar after celebrating the victory, he then had to decide if he wanted to keep a copy of the dirge like procession to penalty kicks.

"So far, I've kept it as a memento, but I have no reason to watch it ever again. I'm just leaving it there so I smile when I open my DVR. Eventually I'll probably cave and try to watch it before I delete it from my play list. I just can't imagine wanting to sit through over two hours of that again, when I can just watch the penalty kicks in a few minutes on youtube."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Abel decides that all he really needs from the MLS Championship game is the shot of Roman Torres celebrating because Fox didn't cover the shot anyway.

Sounders' Victory Spawns Protests As MLS Supporters Say "Not My MLS Cup Champion"

The Seattle Sounders MLS Cup Victory spawned protests the nation over as supporters congregated upon town squares, residential car parks, boutique salt stores, and artisanal coffee shops to categorically state, "Not My MLS Cup Champion".

"HEY HEY! -- HO HO! -- Seattle Sounders Got To Go!"

"This injustice WILL NOT STAND," stated Kelly Williams of Kansas City. "They don't represent me or my city. I refuse to accept these fascists co-opting our national soccer league!"

After the Sounders victory, supporters group organizers stood up and said they wouldn't take this Cascadian hegemony anymore roundly rejecting the idea of a Seattle Sounders MLS Cup Champion.

"This championship was rigged. There needs to be a recount of the goals," stated Bill Williams of Philadelphia. "This is absolutely a victory organized by the Koch brothers to pay off Joe Roth's cocaine debts to Uruguayan warlords. COUNT THE GOALS! JUSTICE FOR BALDOMERO TOLEDO!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on our reports as we have news of a massive rally against Seattle's MLS Cup taking place in Portland.

Battle Of The Phallus: Seattle And Toronto Battle It Out To Determine Exactly Which Side Is The Cock-Of-The-Walk

TORONTO - As the Seattle Sounders and Toronto Football Club prepare for MLS Cup final tomorrow evening, the eyes of two nations are firmly rooted on the battle to determine exactly who is the cock-of-the-walk.

The battle between prickishness and prigishness is joined on Saturday evening, so lets take a look at these sword fighting phallic centered cities to find out what makes their member swell with pride.

BIGGEST PHALLIC SYMBOL IN TOWN:

SEATTLE:

Joe Roth is an option, but even his dickishness pales in comparison to the Space Needle

TORONTO:

The CN Tower is massive and obscures the legacy of Rob Ford, right?

HOW THEY GOT THERE:

SEATTLE:

Firing Sigi Schmid, AMIRIGHT?! HI FIVE FOR FIRING A GUY RIGHT BEFORE LODEIRO GETS INTO THE SIDE AND THEN HEAPING ALL THE PRAISE ON SCHMETZER

TORONTO:

Being perennially awful til your fanbase started dressing in sack cloth and ashes, and then finding the right kind of mojo that will work one year before the whole experiment falls apart next season when Jozy Altidore pulls his hamstring 1 week into the season.

WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY LOSE:

SEATTLE:

FIRE SIGI SCHMID!

TORONTO:

FIRE THE FRONT OFFICE!

MOST IMPORTANT PLAYER:

SEATTLE:

The fans, AMIRIGHT?

TORONTO:

Jozy Altidore's Hamstrings

SCORE PREDICTION: 

3-1

Minnesota United Fan Already Way Too Attached To Players And Staff For 2017

Bloomington, MN - Minnesota United fan Merle Smith admitted that he is already way too attached to the players and staff that are signed to the team as Minnesota United make their way into Major League Soccer.

"LEGEND!

LEEEEEEGGGGGGEEEEEENNNNNDDDDDDD!

Or maybe I'm just too excited for 2017"

"I'm going to remember Venegas and Heath and Davis until I die," stated Smith to The Nutmeg News. "I'm so locked into their careers that I'll probably follow them after they leave the team in 15 months for cap space and TAM."

Smith admitted that he understood the lifespan of the average player in Major League Soccer is extremely short, but refused to let the knowledge of their future departure for financial assets dampen his enthusiasm for six months of watching them.

"I'm planning on buying that MLS kit with Davis or Venegas on it so that people know my pre-MLS credentials. Freaking legends, the both of them and we won't forget when they leave for 2018 draft considerations and TAM that we use to spend on an Ecuadorian midfielder that just wont pan out."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Smith anticipates being overly attached to the assistant coaches, groundskeepers, and season ticket representatives for 2017.

Supporters Groups Thank Don Garber And Major League Soccer For Creating Them

Supporters groups across Major League Soccer (MLS) sent a letter of thanks to Don Garber for creating them, today, as the MLS season came to a close.

The Don stating the truth, because nothing would exist without MLS! NOTHING! CREDIT MUST BE TAKEN, NOT GIVEN.

Leaders from the Empire Supporters Club, Sons Of Ben, Southsiders, Emerald City Supporters, and Timbers Army all sent a letter to Don Garber to thank him for creating them despite all of them pre-dating the league or team that they follow in Major League Soccer.

"We know that Don Garber and Major League Soccer helped create the Southsiders," stated leader James McKenzie. "If it wasn't for Don Garber, we never would have had a vibrant supporters group years before the Whitecaps went to Major League Soccer. Garber reached down with his benevolent touch like a God upon earth and graced us with his vision despite not giving two shits about our team for years until the league realized they could make money off us."

Members of the Empire Supporters Club, whose history pre-dates that of the very league itself, stated that Major League Soccer really helped write all their songs, paint their T.I.F.O, organize their away trips and help in the community as ECS organizer Oscar Gutierrez stated.

"The members of the ESC did nothing, it was all Major League Soccer. They had people who took care of everything. It's almost like we shouldn't have any acknowledgment by the league at all because they did all the heavy lifting. They were there talking about songs, they were there in the stands when it was cold. We should just let them support, because clearly the fans do nothing."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Major League Soccer finds more ways to take credit for things that rightfully does not belong to them in any way.

Fan Still Enormously Concerned By The Lack Of Fullbacks On MLS Best 11 List

King Of Prussia, PA - Soccer fan Paulette Navens admitted that she was still enormously concerned by the lack of fullbacks on the Major League Soccer Best 11 list as she took to the internet to ensure that people knew about her outrage on the highly subjective list.

There's no fullbacks? NONE?

SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET IS WRONG!"

"There's no fullbacks on the list and let me tell you why that's a problem 1/32 #MLS #Worst11," stated Ms. Navens in a tweet storm that took the internet by tepid storm. 

By the time that Navens finished her 32 consecutive tweets she admitted that her hope was that her unending righteous indignation would, at least, force the editors and talking heads that put together the MLS Best 11 list to reconsider their, "dangerous infatuation with players on offense."

"I will get them to more accurately condense a list of real world best 11 list of players as would work in a roster," stated Navens online in her 33rd tweet tagged at MLS editors and writers. "This injustice will not stand. It's almost like the editors had fun putting together a subjective list of good players that really means absolutely nothing in the end one way or the other instead of spending days correlating pieces of data that shows exactly who is the best 11 in the league. Granted, I could be doing all sorts of things that would better serve my time, but just like your publication... I like wasting my time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this once we recover from that burn.

Sounders Fan's Travel Tips For Toronto Entirely Cribbed From Anthony Bourdain Special

Seattle, WA - Harold Bording, a Sounders fan and resident of the up and coming North Beacon Hill neighborhood, reportedly gave his friends Jason and Isabella Steward travel, attraction and restaurant tips for the upcoming MLS Cup game that were entirely cribbed from the Anthony Bourdain Toronto special.

"See? I'm in the background of these shots."

"He spoke as though he had some kind of authority on the matter, but Izzie and I realized that he had just cribbed all the recommendations from Bourdain's Layover episode," stated Steward to The Nutmeg News.

"I really didn't know that Harold knew Toronto so well, because he spoke like an expert. Then after a few minutes, I started to get the vague feeling that I'd seen his recommendations somewhere. He even told us to go to Tosho Knife Arts. Who the hell tells someone to go to Tosho Knife Arts on vacation? It's like he just wrote down the episode, visit by visit and then relied on that for information."

TNN reporters caught up with Bording as he was effusively praising the food and culture of Vietnam and Thailand while telling everyone of the various fish markets they should visit there.

Bording reportedly had no comment on the Toronto matter, but told our reporters that if we wanted recommendations so bad for Toronto that he would be glad to email us a list of places to visit including Tosho Knife Arts.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Bording tries to find another travel show he can use that tells the sites of Toronto.

Christmas Wish For NWSL Fan Is A Functioning League

Boston, MA - Despite everything she has been through with the Breakers recently, Boston Breakers and NWSL fan Britney Ilderson admitted that her simple Christmas wish was a "functioning league".

'Member when?

Yeah, I 'member.

"After the recent situation with the NASL and all the movement of teams in men's soccer recently, I realized that the only thing I want is for the NWSL to stay in existence another year and then the next year after that," stated Ilderson to The Nutmeg News on Tuesday morning. 

"I'm invested in my team, I've been through four leagues already with them. I'd really like to not see a fifth league. So, Santa.... Krampus... whoever.. for the love of all that is holy and good, please just let the NWSL last so I don't have to go through another off-season worrying about the solvency of a league."

Ilderson has already renewed her season tickets despite an awful 2016 season and is hopeful that her support will see the fledgling league through the dark times of amateur players and low wages.

"We just need to keep surviving, growing and building this thing. I just can't learn another acronym."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Ilderson clings to any tiny tidbits of expansion news and further league growth information with the intensity of grim death. 

Man Rooting For College He Didn't Attend Has Problem With Eurosnobs

Nashville, TN - Notre Dame fan and Nashville FC fan Stewart Davis admitted that he just has a problem with eurosnobs not rooting for their local soccer team as he ranted about the issue online.

MATT CASHORE/USA TODAY SPORTS

"I pull for my local team in everything except for my love Notre Dame, which I didn't attend and just randomly picked because they were big a deal when I was a kid," stated Davis To The Nutmeg News.

"I just don't understand how these eurosnobs can feel any attachment to their team. It's not like my connection with Nashville FC, which is my local club through and though. It isn't even like my connection with the Fighting Irish. I try to attend a game every three or four years in South Bend, but these eurosnobs, they are just another cog in a giant consumer wheel."

Reportedly, Davis proudly states that he attended Nashville State Community College and that his commitment to everything local extends to nearly everything in his life except for his unadulterated love of Notre Dame.

"Look, it's just college football. Everyone does this. You know how many people that haven't stepped on to the campus at Tuscaloosa that still root for Alabama? Probably most of the national fanbase. Still though, that can't compare to someone picking Barcelona. I'm pretty certain that is worse, somehow. I don't know... probably because it is in Spain. It's still evil in soccer, absolutely evil and it's definitely not evil in College Football."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Davis plans out a trip to see Notre Dame play live that will cost more than his friends trip to see a Swansea game in Wales.

Man Pretty Certain His Two Bedsheets Are Going To Change The US Soccer Federation

CHICAGO - Anonymous T.I.F.O prankster "Gunil Sulati" released a statement to The Nutmeg News explaining the reason why he hung banners at the Chicago headquarters of the US Soccer Federation.

"The two bedsheet banners I cobbled together in my kitchen are going to change the US Soccer Federation forever," stated Sulati. "I knew all that was missing was direct action at their headquarters as the other banners, two-sticks, T.I.F.O, and plane towed banners somehow missed the mark of convincing a federation to convince a league of billionaires they should do something to appease a vocal minority partially spearheaded by a man who used the recent plane crash and death of 71 people to make a point about promotion and relegation in the United States."

Sulati (a pseudonym) stated that while he acknowledges the baggage that the movement now has, that he knew that all it would take is a banner at the Chicago headquarters to really drive the point home. 

"We are only a few more bedsheets, banners and twitter hashtags away from promotion and relegation being a reality! Let's get to work!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Sulati gets in trouble from his roommates for using the good linen from the spare bedroom.

Man Able To Find Only One Game That Meets Rigorous Standard

NEW YORK - US Soccer dissident Clark Pengrove admitted that he was able to find only one game, recently, that met the rigorous standard for what he considers a good game that people should watch.

"I haven't watched an MLS game in 5 years, but I can tell you it is awful."

"All soccer in the United States and Canada is garbage at every level, in every league," stated Pengrove in a multi part rant online. "The only game worth watching is the game played at the very highest level with the very best players. There are no games in the United States, Canada, Mexico, South America, England, the Netherlands, Germany or (and especially) Italy that fit this criteria. As such, the only game that I am able to watch is Real Madrid v Barcelona."

Pengrove states that his strict criteria of quality soccer means that he can only really watch two or three games per year as the talent level and ability displayed in other games is not worth watching.

"Fans mean nothing. Fans are routinely garbage. I don't watch games for passion, for cheering or situations. Playoffs are useless and so are championship games. They add nothing to the tactical game that can only be truly exposed and understood using whiteboards and a 15 year study of tactical nuance in Spain and the Netherlands. I only watch for the technical skill of individual players and the situations on the field that I can diagram later with player figurines on a hand crafted subbuteo table in my basement for my own amusement."

As Pengrove's criteria for a quality soccer game worth watching has become increasingly strict, his consumption of soccer has decreased massively as all games are now considered horrible examples of corrupt Football Administrations, as well as players and coaches that are attempting to stifle the best players playing the best soccer in the one or two allowable games per year.

"I'm down to Barcelona v Real Madrid and that's it. I'm doing careful analysis of the players that will play in the matchup to ensure that the 22 players fit the threshold  for Quality Soccer. As well, I will stop watching a game if the substitutes entering the game are not at the required level of player."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Pengrove begins to admit that Messi and Ronaldo are not up to his standards of international players and quits watching soccer altogether until players and teams meet his qualifications for quality soccer.

With Only One Week Til Riverhounds Tryouts, Former U-10 Soccer Star Starts Preparing

Pittsburgh, PA - With only one week til Pittsburgh Riverhounds tryouts, former u-10 soccer star Hector Gonzalez started preparing by going on a light jog for 5 minutes before retiring to his house to nurse shin splints.

I haven't played soccer, competitively, since 1992 but that's not going to stop me now!

"I'm going to be ready to get that spot. It's only USL, I should be able to walk on, "stated Gonzalez to The Nutmeg News on Friday. 

According to his mother, Gonzalez was a star on the U-10 Pittsburgh Dynamo travel team and he frequently scored with reckless abandon before taking the lions share of orange slices and pizza in celebration.

"He was always great at soccer, So I have no doubt that he can make the squad," stated Monica Gonzalez. "I just hope he doesn't pull anything. It's probably been 20 years since his best days."

Hector, though, is adamant about making the Riverhounds squad stating, "I haven't watched them play, but I'm certain they can use my skill. It's only US Soccer. I'm not saying I can play at an MLS level yet, but trust me, I can make it onto this squad. Now, I just have to run out and by some cleats."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Gonzalez claims an exemption from a beep test after claiming a minor heart condition brought on by his lack of exercise over the past 20 years.

Man Still Unsure What The Hell Is A Railhawk

Cary, NC - Soccer fan and local culture supporter Davis Billingsly admitted that he is still unsure what the hell is a Railhawk as the local team was flaccidly re-branded to North Carolina FC in an attempt for an Major League Soccer push in the future.

This just adds more questions than answers.

"Ok, right, sure..... but seriously... IS it a hawk that is a rail? Is it a rail that is a hawk? Is it a hawk with a railgun? What the hell is a Railhawk?" pondered Billingsly to friends and our reporter at Dean's Seafood Grill & Bar where Billingsly cautiously asked what our per diem was and if we were feeling generous.

"I've always wondered. I've been to numerous games. I had season tickets for three seasons. I STILL don't know what a Railhawk is, but I do know this... I'm going to miss this insane bird/railroad combination."

According to sources which are primarily himself, Billingsly is considering season tickets to North Carolina FC, but he still enjoys the imponderable question of whether a hawk could fly with a rail gun and how one would train a tiny merchant of death which target they would hit first.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Billinsgly starts buying up Railhawks merchandise to save for later when a waive of nostalgia sends the next generation looking for the kits of old.