Bandwagon Fans Unsure Where To Turn Now That Club Tijuana Suck

Tijuana, MX - Bandwagon fans of Club Tijuana Xoloitzcuintles de Caliente (AKA: Xolos) are quickly abandoning ship as the team plummets towards the bottom of the Liga MX table.

BOW BEFORE ME, MY MINIONS.

"I picked them because they were in a league with promotion and relegation and now they might be relegated" said David Waterman of Boerne, Texas. "How on earth am I going to support this team in the second league or segundo or whatever the hell Mexico calls their Championship level league"

Reports indicate that many like minded Americans picked Tijuana during their barnstorming win to the Liga MX Aperatura title in 2012 and their Copa Libertadores play. 

"We didn't know this was coming" said Jonas Redding of Baltimore, MD "I've had to stay up late to watch Xolos games for the last two or three years and now I'm looking for another team to support. I didn't leave Dortmund for this! Goddammit, I'm not going back to Ben Olsen and DC United again."

"After they sold Herc, I was off that bandwagon anyway" said William Smith of Traverse City, MI. "I only support the clubs the USMNT players play upon, and with Joe Corona loaned out and Herc gone, I abandoned that team like a loose paper tissue. I'm not here to support the three guys left on the team that are scrubs likely not good enough to get a call up to the senior team. Unless they do, in which case I'm going to have some opinions on Esteban Rodriguez. Given that all I have left is Michael Orozco, I'm going to start following Sunderland now."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation when Tijuana start playing well again and everyone jumps back on the bandwagon.

Houston Dynamo Fan Tortured By The Knowledge That "We Are 16 Not Given Penalty Kicks Away From First"

Houston, TX - Dynamo fan Ralph Westbrook admitted to his friends that he was tortured by the knowledge that, "We Are 16 Not Given Penalty Kicks Away From First".

We just really wanted to use this picture for some reason. There's so much going on here.

Mr. Westbrook stated, "If we hadn't lost 13 times we would have won some of those games. If you convert 13 losses into wins we would be winning the supporters shield! Think about that!? There were a number of times throughout the season where we should have earned a penalty kick. If we got just one or two penalty kicks that would change the game and we wouldn't have lost 13 times. We should be winning the league, clearly. We are just a disadvantaged and unlucky team that lost through a variety of reasons."

While some would consider it faulty logic to say that all you had to do was not do what you did all season long, Mr. Westbrook continued, "Think about some of those games. All we had to do was not give up that Kevin Doyle goal against Colorado and not give up that penalty and we would WIN that game! Have you ever thought of that? It was two poor decisions by the referee and a complete freak accident that Doyle scored. The whole thing was bullshit anyway.

Or how about that Alan Gordon headed goal that made us lose 1-0. That was crap too. We should have the win when Garcia nearly chipped the ball into Will. That was just some more bad luck. If those two losses were wins, and we had acquired Drobga, and our defense didn't give up  45 goals we would be in first place. I'll take that even further. If LA didn't hire Bruce Arena, and we hadn't given up on Dom Kinnear and we acquired Lionel Messi when he was a youth and Landon Donovan and Pele, we would be #1 in the universe. Did you ever think of that? No? The Dynamo are just a victim of a massive fraud in the league. All we needed this season was to not lose 13 times and get 16 penalty kicks."

The Nutmeg News will have more from Mr. Westbrook when he comes back to reality and realizes that the record shows what your team is, not what you want them to be by spinning results that already happened.

United States Fans Ask For New Manager To Coach Same Terrible Players

After the disappointing loss to Mexico in extra time, fans of the United States Men's Team (because the United States Women won the 2015 World Cup) collectively lost their mind and screamed out for a new coach to help guide the same group of shit players with which all the coaches for the United States since nearly time immemorial have had to deal.

"We need a new coach who can somehow make our Jonathan Bornstein and Fabian Johnson players turn into Arjen Robben and Philipp Lahm," wrote @HowardFreak69USMNT on Twitter.

It's a hard knock life, for me.

"I find it reprehensible that Jozy Altidore is included in this squad when we could have another forward for the United States that will miss simple shots and fire the ball 20 feet over the net. Wondolowski would give us that!" said JesusFreak2020 on Reddit.

"A new manager will allow us to play more like a combination of Chile, Germany and the 70's version of Brazil despite having defense and offense players on the United States roster that would not make it on Greece's 2004 Euro Cup winning roster." said Jeremy Lind on Facebook.

While the US Fans thrashed about online for the answer to a unanswerable question, they decided to blame the entirety of the mess on Jurgen Klinsmann, who is by all reports of fans a dishonest and untrustworthy German that you wouldn't leave alone with your mother.

"It's Klinsmann's fault that we have such a terrible player pool" said MLS Soccer analyst Jeffry Thorgood. "He doesn't understand how to play the poor players that we have against teams that have world class talent playing in Europe's top competitions."

Never gets any blame. Deflector shields UP!

Professor of Symbology at Cornell of Miami, David Petreus, had the following to say, "I want my cake and I want to eat it. I want Klinsmann out. I want the United States to play extremely entertaining soccer. I want our fringe players to level up like in an Role Playing Game so that they are much better at controlling the ball and playing in pressure situations. I want us to do this now and I want to win the world cup in 2018. Don't tell me that Mexico is a better team, because that can't possibly be true, because we won some games against them in the last 10 years. IF they were the better team, wouldn't they be beating us now? Exactly."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the wailing and gnashing of teeth continue for a coaching position change that will fix nothing in the grand scheme of life until large scale changes are made behind the scenes.

FC Dallas Announce Proposed Name Change to FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew

Dallas, TX - Major League Soccer (MLS) team Football Club Dallas announced that they are considering a name change to come in line with a new MLS mandate requiring more corporate sponsorship in the league. The new name for FC Dallas will be "FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew".

Just like what Clark Hunt says about the players, this is also a little hard to swallow.

"This fits the new league mandate of sponsoring everything at all times," said owner Clark Hunt. "We are required to sell a number of different club opportunities to different corporate entities until we are covered in advertisements for Massengill and Erectile Dysfunction pills like a NASCAR race team."

Mr Hunt went on to talk about the emerging branding opportunity that will exist for the medical staff on the field. "We know that Mountain Dew has had a 'Dew Crew' for some of their NASCAR pit teams, but we also want to bring this to our club. We will have the CODE RED Dew Crew that consists of our field medical staff and they will allow us to talk about the delicious taste of Mountain Dew Code Red when they go out to treat a compound fracture on the field. It's going to be GREAT!"

Like this, but for a player that is screaming in agony because he just separated the muscles of his hamstring.

Mr Hunt said that the only time that the proposed name change could cause difficulty is for the announcers should FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew make the playoffs.

"Indeed, it could be a problem if the Audi 2015 MLS Cup Playoffs are won by FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew, but they aren't competing sponsors. The title would just be a bit of a mouthful."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Audi 2015 MLS Cup Playoffs kick off between FC Dallas Code Red Brought To You By Mountain Dew and the Microsoft X-BOX Halo 5: Guardians Seattle Sounders.

Don Garber Announces Promotion And Relegation Among The Press Corps

NEW YORK - Don Garber announced Monday that he would be instituting the ideals of promotion and relegation among the press corps that covers Major League Soccer.

My finger pyramid gives me the ability to call  out HOVA as well as show my all encompassing feeling of master of the universe.

"We feel like the time has come for promotion and relegation as it pertains to our reporters. Having said that we should acknowledge the hard work of fans the entire nation over, including our 51st state of Canada, that made this happen." said Garber before a sparsely attended press conference at the Red Lobster in Times Square.

"Starting next year in January, all the people who report on our league will be arranged into four different divisions. Access to teams and to the league front office will be granted based on the number of ass-kissing, obtuse articles that you write where you challenge nothing about the league structure and instead just toe the company line repeatedly. If you perform this job well enough at your local level you will be given the beat for your region. Perform well enough with your region and you will be promoted to national. Perform well enough with the national beat and you could see yourself promoted to the Premier league of MLS level reporting. That is doing commentary on US Soccer Federation games, international friendlies, and any Major League Soccer game that you want to cover while writing pithy twitter commentary on airplanes to desperate fans who just want to see their name mentioned in your twitter feed."

Garber stated that reporters who fulfill their end of the bargain in promoting the league without asking too many questions about the league structure or the finances within will be promoted and relegated between these divisions.

"We aren't looking for the next Bob Woodward, we are looking for the next Bill O'Reilly. We want someone who can shape the debate about the league in a way that flatters us and minimizes fan complaints to the description of a noisy minority."

The Nutmeg News will have as much news on this as Major League Soccer releases, which is likely going to be a press release that is already invalidated by an internal meeting that was held but not reported on until July of 2016 where we find that all of this wasn't actually true.

Disgrunted Supporter Shows Front Office A Thing Or Two

CHICAGO - Having watched his team play and be managed well below what he considers an acceptable level of soccer, Travis Alabaster decided to take out his frustration and anger on the teams front office when asked to renew his season tickets.

I'm going to pay for my ticket but I'm going to really complain about doing so.

"I sure showed the front office a thing or two." Alabaster says, "I got an email from the Fire front office asking me if I wanted to renew my season tickets. I knew they were probably pretty anxious to see what kind of renewal rate they were going to have, so I marked the email as unread and left it in my inbox for a few days."

Just minutes before receiving the email, Alabaster had been ranting on Twitter about how crummy the team was being managed and how it just wasn't worth going to the games anymore. "It's ridiculous. No one seems to be invested emotionally anymore, just financially. Well, I wasn't about to break. I waited until the last day before I had to renew before logging into the system. Even then I put the season ticket renewal in my shopping cart and left it there.  I am making my voice heard and I know they are hearing it loud and clear."

We talked with the Chicago Fire's season ticket manager Dick Laurent who informed us that the entire system is automated and that they actually don't collect any metrics regarding ticket renewal until after the season is over. "Whatever kind of personal protest he was making had no impact on us at all, financially or otherwise. His little tantrum was as ineffective as Yallop's ability to bring our team to the playoffs."

We spoke with Alabaster and let him know about Laurent's response to his actions. "Well. Ugh. God. Whatever. Fine." After making a few comments that we were unable to make out, he then spun around in his computer chair and logged into the season ticket renewal site and opened up the shopping cart.  He then proceeded to enter his information but paused before finalizing the transaction.

"Hey, get your camera over here. Check this out. I'm going to click the button but I'm going to do it with my middle finger when I do. Go back and tell them that I did this."

Post ticket purchase realization that Hauptman is still in charge.

The Nutmeg News can confirm that Fire ticket manager Dick Laurent said, "I knew that spineless prick would cave" after Mr Alabaster's purchase went through.

Zlatan Confesses, "Zlatan's Ghostwriter Made Contact With Orlando City, Not Zlatan"

Orlando, FL - After being linked to Orglando City Soccer Club, Swedish International and man most likely to score a goal that you will show your ambivalent about soccer parents Zlatan Ibrahimovic admitted that his Ghostwriter made contact with Orlando City, not him.

"Yes, I admit it. My ghostwriter was the one who made contact. We needed more material for a new book so I told him to try to arrange a transfer for himself as me to Orlando City to see what it is like to be Zlatan." said Zlatan

I AM ZLATAN...................................................................s Ghostwriter. 

Reportedly, Zlatan's ghostwriter, who invented quotes in Mr Ibrahimovic's spellbinding biography, contacted Orlando City as Zlatan to explore the idea of a transfer in 2016.

"They were very very excited" said Mr Lagercrantz. "I was able to fully experience what Zlatan would experience if he wanted to go play in Orlando City for some reason. Zlatan said that I should actually follow through with the whole transfer and show up to the unveiling and signing as well. However, I wasn't sure if that would be wise."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr. Ibrahimovic about this and he stated the following, "There is only one Zlatan. In some cases a man chooses to make himself Zlatan. However the mask is pulled off you must realize there is only one Zlatan.  All faces are Zlatan to Zlatan, but there is only one face that is Zlatan."

Orlando City reportedly is very embarrassed by this turn of events and has called Major League Soccer to request redress. Reportedly, they were given the rights to Chicharito Hernandez, a 24 case of Doritos Cool Ranch chips and 30 dollars deposited into their Draft Kings account.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Zlatan commands us. 

TELL US OF YOUR WILL, O HOLY ONE. GIVE US YOUR BIDDING, KING ZLATAN.

Rec League Roundup: Unrealistic Expectations Placed On Poor Bastard That Picked #9 Kit

Louisville, KY - Members of the Greater Louisville Soccer League reportedly heaped large amounts of unrealistic expectations on Frederic Hahn after he picked the #9 kit out of the cardboard box on the ground by the pick-nick table during his teams first practice.

Run, you poor bastard!

"He better be able to play, score goals, run the channels, pass the ball efficiently and finish" said head coach Dale Roberts. "You don't grab that number unless you are good. It's the truth. Like wearing flashy boots was the sign that you were a good player, then it was the sign that you were a nob with too much money, then it was the sign that you were an average player, and then a person with all black cleats was the person you had to be afraid of. It's all cyclical."

Hahn reportedly had no idea what he was getting into after attending this practice due to friend John Mulaney recommending that rec league soccer was a great way to meet friends.

"I've never played a game before in my life and this was the only jersey they had left in my size" said a bewildered Hahn as he was lined up in the middle to practice his headers on corner kicks. "What am I supposed to do!?"

Other members of his team including Julia Gustoffson and Mohammed Buland said, "His first name is Frederic, I think he is European. Why else would he select the #9 kit? He knows how to play, so lets put him up top and have him run his ass off. We expect goals."

Hahn was reportedly found out as an inexperienced amateur two minutes into the first game and received notable comments of "I thought you knew what you were doing" before offering to give back the kit which only made it worse.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Hahn sits on the sideline for two full games hoping to get subbed into the match without realizing he just needs to call his turn.

MLS Winter Schedule Advocate Reveals Vested Scarf Interests

NEW YORK - Red Bull New York fan and MLS Winter Schedule Advocate Thomas Zubez has admitted that he has been such a strong advocate for changing the schedule because, as he states, "I don't want to look like a twat by wearing my scarf during 90 degree weather anymore".

No need to burn 'em. They will likely suffer spontaneous combustion from swaddling themselves in scarves in 99 degree weather.

Mr. Zubez admitted that his long standing campaign for a Major League Soccer winter schedule is born out of his love of fashion, his desire to warm his throat and lower face area, his extensive scarf collection, and his investment into several high dollar and very rare vintage scarves. 

"I gotta get my kid in college, and there's no way I'm going to do this unless the demand for vintage scarves is coupled with the need to wear scarves. I need peak scarf financial conditions. If the weather is more snow and ice than sun tans and tank tops, the need to wear a scarf will increase the value. Also, I'm tired of buying a scarf to hang it on my wall. If the weather is 99 degrees on a road trip, whats the point of suffering through a game by wearing wool around your neck? During a winter schedule it would be cool enough at most locations to even wear two scarves. Just imagine the possibilities. Suddenly that 70 scarf guy with the Union wouldn't look like such a dick, he would just look appropriately warm given the conditions."

While Mr Zubez's motives are mostly selfish, he also feels very passionate about his mission to save North American soccer supporters as he stated, "We could stop being that syncopated army of sweaty twats marching together in 100 degree heat with our woolen neck warmers setting our jugular ablaze, and start becoming that cool group of people that wears clothes and accessories conducive to our weather. Imagine that. Also, I'm starting a personal line of scarves, so I'll have a kickstarter available if anyone is interested in making a donation."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Zubez unveils a really horrible design from MS Paint for his personally designed scarf collection.

TNN Staff Writers Tired Of Coming Up With Sepp Blatter Stories

INTERNET - The Nutmeg News staff writers have reportedly rebelled against coming up with any more Sepp Blatter stories in light of the human parasite being in the news again recently.

"I'm not writing another word til that dickbag is in jail" said The Nutmeg News junior writer and soon to be unemployed pizza delivery guy with a masters degree from Phoenix University, Dale Crambrook. "I'm tired of it. I'm really really tired of it all," He said as he cleaned out his desk.

Artists Rendition of Sepp Blatter

"I can't do it anymore!" said junior writer and champion ski-ball player Elise Heathrington "It's too much, at some point he goes to jail or dies or something right? It's the same story all the time! I can't keep reinventing the wheel, you know. I'm already working on a two stories for tomorrow, editing this story and contacting some voice actors about another potential installation of the Sixth Place War. This Sepp stuff has got to stop."

The Nutmeg News interviewed some of the senior editors about Sepp Blatter and they had the following to say, "What. A. Dick. Now come up with something funny about this and it BETTER BE ORIGINAL YOU SCUM!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish hiring a new junior writer to replace the recently disgraced Mr Crambrook.

Underpaid MLS Players Use Insider Information With Draft Kings To Cover Bills

A number of different Major League Soccer players who are playing for the league minimum salary have confirmed to The Nutmeg News that they are utilizing the Major League Soccer partnership with Draft Kings along with their insider information from playing in the league to supplement their income.

It's not Gambling! IT ISNT! Look, just because you put money in with the expectation of winning or losing money on a sport that relies on both investigating information but also luck doesn't make it gambling. IT IS NOT GAMBLING. HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY THIS.

The Nutmeg News has changed the names of the players that have informed on this situation in order to protect the innocent and allow them to speak freely of their situations.

"I live in one of the biggest media markets in the world," said one North Eastern MLS player "and I barely have enough money to live. The stipends help, but honestly it isn't enough when you have people to take care of. So I noticed one day that Dax McCarty was having a little bit of trouble in practice, Luis Robles wasn't sharp, and I wasn't going to play anyway..... so I bet against a few of my fellow Red Bulls that day. I made enough money to cover a few bills and I don't care what anyone says. MLS wants to pay us fringe money, this is what we need to do to survive."

While the spectre of insider trading on Draft Kings from Draft Kings and Fanduel employees is nothing new, the advent of insider trading by athletes is something people didn't see coming.

"One time after practice I was sitting in a bathroom stall” sand one MLS player in the West, “and I saw through the tiny crack [player] walk up to a urinal, place one hand on the wall, and then grunt and sweat profusely as he peed. I knew had contracted some kind of STD. He didn't have enough time to go get it treated before game and itching his junk the whole time was going to slow him down. I found a way to parlay this information into my rent money for the month. It was great. I finally have a way of really making money from this sport instead of this low rent salary shit that the players union accepts like chumps."

While some of the stories we uncovered were fairly benign, one in particular was dramatically disturbing.

"I needed money. I've got a baby. Formula is expensive. This seemed like the perfect way to make ends meet. I know that one of our midfielders likes girls. Like really really likes girls, y'know? Picking different ladies up at bars every night? Trying to give Wilt Chamberlain a run for his money? I worked out a plan to try and set him up so I could bet against him. I paid a couple hookers for all-night service to hook up with him at his favorite bar and take him back to his place to wear him out. I was shocked when he came into the locker room the next morning fresh as a daisy. He even scored a brace of goals. My wife and I were eating ramen for a month.”

The Nutmeg News is NOT brought to you by Draft Kings. 

Chicago Fire Fan Remembers He Actually Loves The Cubs

CHICAGO - Fire fan Trent Ostnis finally remembered that he is a Chicago Cubs fan as the Cubs entered into a small period of success for the first time in seven years.

"Well, I've been a Chicago Fire fan since the team started, and I was a Sting fan before that back in the NASL, but honestly I'm starting to remember that I was also a Cubs fan at one point and they are winning and dear god I need something to brighten up my day right now," said Mr Ostnis to us while purchasing a white "win" flag.

YOU DIDN'T HELP.

"It's been awful watching the slow, painful death that the Fire have suffered under Hauptman and Yallop over the last few years and it was compounded by me not being a big enough Hockey fan to jump on the Blackhawks bandwagon. However, I can get behind the Cubs. I really can."

Sociologist say that locations like Chicago, New York and Los Angeles offer a healthy level of distraction for any fan of a sports team. We spoke to Dr. Fritz Grewst from the Heinz Commission about this, "Yes, places that have multiple sports teams that all don't suck at the same time offer a sports fan the ability to escape his situation for a moment. However, places with only one or two professional sports teams will inevitably see their passions turn to obsessions when the results don't go their way."

As for Mr Ostnis he says, "I just know I'm not spending any money on the Fire til they figure out what the hell they are doing. I'm all about the Cubs now. Hauptman Out, please."

Desperate Sports Parody Site Relentlessly Bashes United States Hero

Desperate Sports Parody Site The Nutmeg News wrote another column in a long line of columns on Landon Donovan, today, after the heroic United States striker made courageous comments about his dickhead coach.

TNN staff writers discuss how lame it is when professional athletes get all the girls.

Reportedly two of the staff writers (requisite NERDS) at The Nutmeg News talked to each other over their stale and cold pizza while drinking cans of Mountain Dew and playing Rocket League. The discussion went something like "Whoa, man. We should totally write this... um... like... Donovan thing.. Right?" To which they did indeed "Write this... um... like... Donovan thing" despite the strenuous interjection of legal and the ramifications of writing three Landon Donovan columns within a month span.

Staff writers at The Nutmeg News have reportedly been told that their attempts at writing a fourth Donovan column would be met with mass layoffs and a reduction in their Oreo and Sour Patch stocks as well as a removal of their Level 43 Night Elf World Of Warcraft character named Dicks MixARude.

The Nutmeg News will have more on The Nutmeg News when our Ombudsman starts writing about the horrible things we do all day.

Bored Sounders Fans Start Cheering For 4th Division Finnish Team During Seattle Game

Seattle, WA - Seattle fans bored with the LA Galaxy versus Seattle Sounders game on Sunday decided to start rooting for newly promoted fourth division Finnish team Tampere Unitedin Kannattajat, otherwise known as TamU-K. 

100% accurate translation is:  TamU-K number three -- Three Increased rear, the front Three

"There's only so long you can watch Lamar Neagle give up the ball before you just want something else" said David Gareer, Former Emerald City Supporters Member and current TamU-K fan. "I just gave it up, and stopped caring about the Sounders. It's all about TamU-K now. Did you know that the bluest skies are actually in Tampere? It's true."
 

Needs a Starbucks.

While most Sounders fans admit that they would rather root for TamU-K than Seattle right now, some are not so happy with the split as they have started rooting for Football Club International Turku which has created a massive split between the two supporters groups that come out to Century Link Field to remotely cheer on their Finnish sides.

"Fuck TamU-K. What do they know about football?" said ECS member Bob Randall. "Those guys and their fans are assholes. Every year the students from Tampere come back to Turku to  jump on the market square and push the city back into the sea. It's all about FC Inter Turku now, and that's why I come out to Century Link field."

The TamU-K fans will have their say though screaming out what the banner boldly says (according to google translate which is never wrong), "THREE INCREASED REAR, THE FRONT THREE" while they sing a modified version of "Roll on Columbia".

"At least with TamU-K we don't have to watch Dempsey limp around and strain his hamstring every other game" said Paul Jeffers. "Real lads support TamU-K. Only punk fans who like the Timbers and Galaxy support FC Inter Turku. You'll Never TamU-Kacht alone. I'm still working on that."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when Seattle Fans start rooting for Romanian side Asociația Club Sportiv Poli Timișoara.

Colorado Rapids Win Rocky Mountain Cup Derby, Exactly Two F--ks Given

Denver, CO - The final match in the 2015 Rocky Mountain Cup derby, a derby held each year between Real Salt Lake and the Colorado Rapids, was held this weekend and exactly two fucks were given. The first fuck was given by Colorado Rapids social media expert, Asher Price after discovering that the Rapids had won the cup.

The SUBARU Rocky Mountain Cup presented by your local Subaru dealership in alliance with Subaru, Subaru and Subaru, but brought to you exclusively by SUBARU. S-U-B-A-R-U!

"As soon as that final whistle blew we saw that Salt Lake had won 2-1." says Price, "We quickly did the math and discovered that the teams ended with four points apiece. It was going to come down to goal difference, but knowing how our season has gone I figured I was going to have to save my fuck for the next season. But after running over the numbers I found that we had actually won on goal difference."

It was at this point Asher Price gave his fuck, tweeted out the giving of his fuck on the companies Twitter account, and ran out of the box seats and down the Dicks Sporting Goods Park concourse cheering and yelling about the fuck he gave.

The Rocky Mountain Cup derby was created in 2005 when Salt Lake joined Major League Soccer although no one seems to know who created it or why. The supporters seem to claim they created it, the front offices claim they made it big by sponsoring it, and Subaru claims that you can get .5% off a brand new Forester if you bring in a ticket stub from the game, but no fucks were given by the Colorado supporters despite the fact that the cup ceremony followed the match and the fact that the Rapids have won the cup four times to Salt Lake’s seven, so its importance remains a mystery.

The second fuck was given fifteen minutes after the match’s conclusion as Price was running down the concourse screaming about the cup and the fuck he gave.  A highly inebriated Mark Heinsman was being assisted by his friends towards the exit at the time.

"I was trying hard not to vomit before I got outside," says Hinsman, "and then suddenly I see this skinny guy in a bow tie running down the concourse yelling about winning the cup. I was so out of it that when I heard the talk about winning a cup I flashed back to 2010 and thought we had just won an MLS cup. Like I said, I was really drunk. I shook my friends off my arms, immediately gave my fuck then and there, and ran up to this guy and we hugged and jumped chanting ‘we won the cup, we won the cup!’ It wasn’t until a couple hours later that I realized that guy was actually talking about the Rocky Mountain Cup, not an MLS cup. By then it was too late as my fuck had already been given and I couldn’t retract it."

TNN will continue to report on this story if any additional fucks are given about the Rocky Mountain Cup, intentionally or otherwise.

Man Uses USA v Mexico Game To Identify Racist Friends

Pasadena, CA – With the big CONCACAF Confederations Cup ‘winner take all’ playoff game between the United States and Mexico coming up in a few days, the city of Pasadena is getting ready to host over 90,000 soccer fans in Rose Bowl Stadium. Some soccer fans, and non-soccer fans, are striving to capitalize on the hype as the run up to the game builds in intensity. Charles Grant, a Pasadena resident, has chosen to use it as a way to filter out all of his racist friends from Twitter and Facebook. 

A cultural exchange highlighting the nuances of social bro-order and inter-cultural passion.

"Soccer? I don’t really have a personal leaning or inclination one way or another about the sport." Grant says, "What I do care about is race relations and the global acceptance of all nationalities and the elimination of xenophobia that is inherent in our cultural history and subconscious. It is to this end that I am following the social media trends surrounding the game as way to monitor racist, xenophobic, and homophobic comments so that I can remove those people from my timelines after leaving a strongly worded rebuke to them."

There have been numerous reports of racist comments coming from US Men’s National team fans regarding the Mexico National Team, especially from the USMNT supporters group The American Outlaws."

"My hope is that I can actually uncover one of my friends as being in the American Outlaws so that I can take screenshots of his or her comments and then submit them to the FBI as being a hate group. We need to identify all these people with their racist ideas and target them for social rehabilitation via Tweet blocking or else perhaps cultural reeducation camps. We cannot, as true Americans, allow this kind of hate to fester."

In order to draw out the racists, Grant has devised a plan to bait them into replying to a post that he intends to post at 9am and 3pm every day.

"I'm going to use the following post as bait 'This last week Jurgen Klinsmann announced that he had picked his players for the match and says he did so with an emphasis on players who ‘understand exactly now what this is all about.’ After I lead with that, then I just wait for people to say something akin to: ‘yeah, we know exactly what it’s about, am I right guys? Dos A Cero, go back to Mexico.’  At that point, I’ll have them."

The winner of the match will be playing in Russia in 2017 as a prelude to the 2018 FIFA World Cup. This match will determine which team will be able to attend and is expected to get very aggressive both on and off the pitch.

Grant continues: "The minute I see anything even remotely racist I’m going to take action. I don’t care if it’s a Mexican-American slur or even an outdated reference to Yo Quiero Taco Bell, I will immediately pounce on this imbecile and ensure that everyone around knows exactly what kind of hate filled and intolerant person they are."

Grant currently has five followers on Twitter, three of which appear to be adult services related. The Nutmeg News will continue to report on this unless we hear of the American Outlaws doing something stupid again, in which case we will pounce on that story and milk it for all that it’s worth.

Portland Timbers Fan States, "This Game Was An Anomaly" For The 19th Time In 2015

Portland, OR - Timbers Fan Maxwell Branch stated "Well, this game was an anomaly" for the 19th time in 2015 after the Timbers loss against Sporting Kansas City at home. The Nutmeg News caught up with Mr Branch at the Chinook Winds Casino to speak with him about the loss.

Blaming him won't help either. Maybe you should try scoring a goal instead?

"This game and this result are a total anomaly and not indicative of a larger trend that has continued over a statistically valid sample size of 31 games." said Branch while overcompensating for the loss on Saturday night. "It is pretty unbelievable how many times it's been something other than the Timbers fault for losing or drawing."

Mr Branch spent the entirety of our interview playing cards in the poker room and lost every hand while we spoke with him. 

"If I was playing poker and had bad luck again. again. again. again. again. again. again. at some point i'd think that maybe I was a shit gambler. Fortunately, as you can see, I'm not. It is just that the cards aren't coming, and the dealer has a problem with my sister, and the guy across the table is a pro who is palming cards, and the deal this time was a complete anomaly. I deserve to win this game, and I'm going to eventually."

The Nutmeg News spoke to linguistics expert and Whitecaps fan Jordi Ignacio-Barthez about Mr Branch's use of the word anomaly. 

"The word anomaly is traditionally defined as something that deviates from what is standard, normal, or expected," said Mr. Ignacio-Barthez. "Given that the Timbers have been complete shit at scoring for the entire year, I'd say that them not scoring is about as far from an anomaly as you could possibly get."

When The Nutmeg News reporters asked Mr Branch about his Anomaly quote he stated, "Well look, it's gotta be something other than the team. I mean, usually it's keepers standing on their head and referees as well. There's always something to blame other than the team and the way it was put together."

Little Prick On Reddit Claims, "I Showed Up Freddy Adu Because I Could"

INTERNET - A Reddit user by the name of CameranAlavi admitted that while he was an intern with the Philadelphia Union that he was a total prick to Freddy Adu.

Reportedly this user decided that because the offer was given by Mr Adu to play FIFA and Mr Adu talked some brief banter about playing that he would try show him up using his own team against him, then taunt a person he just met 15 minutes after walking into his home who plays for the club that he works for, and then take a picture of the score so that he could brag later to his friends.

The Nutmeg News contacted Freddy Adu about this story and he had the following to say, "I thought it would be cool if I just played a little FIFA with this intern, but he beat me up pretty bad. It was going like you expect FIFA to go, but the little shit decided to take a cell phone picture of his win to gloat afterward and that was too much. Who does that? What normal person is invited into someone's home to play a video game and then uses that opportunity to be a dick. I just wanted to do something nice, create a memory of something good, and this kid who was a club intern decided to use it as a point of gloating over me. This kind of situation is why professional athletes don't like dealing with little pricks like this intern."

Psychologist and FIFA player David Frank had the following to say, "Whether this story is real or not, it shows that the person who told it is a pretty sizable asshole. He either made up the story to claim attention or he actually was invited into someones house, where the person is someone employed by the same place that he works, beat him and then taunted him twice before getting kicked out. The fact that he might have done the act is probably worse than making it up to get attention. Beat him at the game if you want, but a wise person wouldn't use the skill of manipulating pixels better than another man to rub it into the face of someone that they just met twenty minutes ago. FIFA is a frustrating game, and it can get ugly when people are playing, but taunting people that you just met is a good way of pissing them off and making yourself look like a dick."

Union Fans Celebrate Winning Fired CEO Sweepstakes

Philadelphia, PA - Philadelphia Union fans the nation over celebrated the firing of Nick Sakiewicz as he was forced out of his CEO position on Thursday.

#SakIsOut

"So this is what winning on Wednesday would have felt like" said Bob Roberts of Glenolden. "I can't express how I feel. We lost the trophy but we won the war. I'm walking on clouds!"

Union fans have reportedly now almost completely forgotten the pain of the second consecutive US Open Cup Finals loss and now can focus on the fact that their team got rid of at least one part of the reason why their club has been run into the ground.

"I am overjoyed" said Deborah Evans of Ardmore "I've wanted Sak out for some time and now we really get to start over, again. This is a fresh beginning and finally we may have a chance. The fans can see a potential way forward. Of course we still have part of the ownership team in Sugarman but maybe he can hire the right people. I don't know. Either way, I'm still very very excited about all of this."

A fictitious toast to Nick being out!

The Nutmeg News asked Jeremy Sweetwater of Philadelphia what the Son's Of Ben will do with the mock coffin used for the protest against Sakiewicz and he stated, "We will paint it red and ship it over to Chicago for those guys to use. Maybe it will bring them good luck."

Woman Wins MLS Final Fantasy League Week 32 With Bahamut and Drogba Acquisition

Edmond, OK - Oklahoma resident, soccer fan and part time podcaster on cos-play feminism, Darla Terry, recently won Week 32 of the Major League Soccer Final Fantasy League with a skilled Drogba and Bahamut acquisition and play.

"Is this the nerdiest thing I've ever put together? I mean probably by a factor of 200,000." - TNN Art Director Stephen Gotshalk

"I just thought that it would be an interesting combination after I dumped Dax McCarty and spent Week 31 leveling up Umaro after using Mog to get him in combination with a trade for Luis Robles." said Terry "I deployed Drogba on back line since he is all about Attack and his HP is low and I used Bahamut with Megaflare to protect him. Drogba is basically Cid if you think about it."

This skillful deployment and combination of Drogba and Bahamut earned Terry accolades for her aggressive and yet balanced play while backing up the two with Kaka as a healer and Rydia as a caller. "It was important to use Kaka with white magic and have a caller that could keep generating damage. I used Kaka to keep Drogba alive during the battle as he would cast heal spells while he was wearing his equipped running shoes. It's all in the details and the balance, you know?"
 

Ms Terry will have a difficult task ahead of her as she takes on Walt Firdman of San Luis Obispo, California and his dreaded Hydra, Cyle Larin, Cactrot play. "I'm not going to take it easy on her, but she is a skilled player and already will know that."