Sweet Release Of Offseason Allows Man To Focus On Himself And His Family Again

CHICAGO - The sweet release of the off-season has allowed Chicago Fire fan Paul Newton to focus on himself and his family again after an 8 month season of pure acrimony and desperation

 I'm Free? I'M FREE! What will I do with my weekends now?!

I'm Free? I'M FREE! What will I do with my weekends now?!

Mr Newton reportedly started his off-season by taking his daughter to the park and attempting to have a look at those gutters on the house, finally.

"It's a new day and I'm a new man, now. I'm better for having gone through the 'difficulties' but I don't know if I'm coming back." said Mr Newton to reporters on Monday morning.

"Sports is supposed to be a release from your life, but I'm having a difficult time with sports being the difficult part IN my life. I mean, when my life is good and my team is a dumpster fire, shouldn't I be turning to my life to make me feel better about what is supposed to be my passion? I just don't know anymore. Either way, I won't have to think about it for a few months before the season ticket reps try to bang down my door getting me locked back in for another season."

While Mr Newton didn't attend the last game against Red Bull New York, he did have 90 minutes plus 30 minutes before and after the game to complain and gripe, taken out of his day every week. He also had any number of times where he realized that the reason he was short with his wife Darla was because of his abject disgust for the way the season went.

"There's only so many times that I can say I'm sorry, so we are heading out to Williams Sonoma after this to pick up the Christmas catalog and I'm taking her out for fondue next weekend. Nobody should put themselves through what we had to go through this season, but at least her reward should be vats of cheese."

The Nutmeg News will have more as the crushing realization of the start of the season begins to weigh on Mr. Newton's life.