LOS ANGELES - Local nihilist and all around non-provocateur Jayson Samuelson has reportedly given his view on the upcoming United Soccer League (USL) Championship between LA Galaxy II and the Rochester Rhinos.
The Nutmeg News spoke to Mr. Samuelson at his co-op housing he shares with five other roommates as he welcomed our reporter with a lipstick stained coffee mug filled with cold Lipton tea. Mr Samuelson was playing Bauhaus over his JVC record player system until we asked him to turn down the music for the purpose of transcribing his words correctly.
"It is a trudge towards irrelevancy" claimed Samuelson to our reporter.
"There's no point to it anymore, there's no point to the competition, to the cup, to anything. It's the championship of nothing. Your team becomes the king of nothing. With secondary Major League Soccer (MLS) teams in the mix, it is the cup of second champions, the cup of nothing to no one" he said as he flicked his American Spirit cigarette into his Jesus and Mary Chain coffee cup.
"It's all about Beckham and money and celebrity and whoring yourself out for the dollar now." said Samuelson as he pointed next to a yellowed KMFDM poster to a vandalized picture of David Beckham altered to have his eyes cut out with the former Galaxy player wearing makeup from The Crow. "If the league is won by a team that is nothing, with no fanbase, then the cup itself is nothing, much like everything is nothing as we slowly slide towards nothingness. As Skinny Puppy says, 'it's the fear so unclear man in motion going nowhere.' That's where we are, man."
While Mr Samuelson's projection for the United Soccer League is bleak, he also holds out no hope for the game itself. "I predict it will be disastrous. A game of fury signifying terrible play, horrible players and the will to live slowly petering out while an impotent fire spreads across the ashes of the season left to be scattered by the wind into a slow disappointing spiral. I also think there is a chance that Los Angeles Galaxy II are going to come out and try to sit back while pressing through the middle to funnel the action out to the outside with André Auras trying to draw fouls outside the box and utilizing his free kick skills. Trent put it best on his 1992 Broken EP, 'stick my hands through the cage of this endless routine just some flesh caught in this big broken machine.' Yeah, It is just that."
The Nutmeg News will have more on the endless void of nothingness that envelopes us all as we careen headfirst into the trudge towards irrelevancy, or something.