Worst Team In Major League Soccer Rewarded

CHICAGO - The worst team during the 2015 Major League Soccer season has been rewarded for their 34 game quest to alienate the most fans and shit the bed.

ONWARD: To the glory and benefits of last place!

ONWARD: To the glory and benefits of last place!

The Chicago Fire announced on Monday that they won the rights to the number one pick in the draft and the ability to say, "Yes, we really really sucked" during the 2015 season.

Fire owner Andrew Hauptman spoke on Monday at the press conference, "We really attempted to be awful this year because it would give us a number draft pick, a chance at players like Joshua Yaro, and our yearly bonus of allocation money given to us by the league for being a god damned embarrassment." 

Reportedly, the Philadelphia Union front office was devastated by this realization stating, "We tried everything... EVERYTHING to be the worst, but somehow we weren't even good enough at being bad enough to get the best reward! I don't know what it says about our team and league that we were so bad that we were good enough to not be bad enough to be rewarded the most for being awful. However, we apologize to all  the Union fans out there that we didn't suck enough over the season. 

It is just heartbreaking.... I mean that goal... that simple goal... we could have let in a goal... that would have just saved another point from being accumulated. We tried.... we really tried.... tell us that we were bad enough, tell us that we could be the worst, IT is just HEARTBREAKING."

The Nutmeg News will have more information as the Chicago Fire are awarded the wooden spoon and hundreds of thousands of dollars in total benefits for finishing dead last.