NEW YORK - The commissioner of Major League Soccer (MLS), Don Garber, admitted that his recent tweet of "Lose 20lbs or more of fat off your body in under 2-weeks" was not an accident or the result of his account being hacked. The commissioner stated in a press conference on Thursday morning, "Some of you need to lose weight."
Commissioner Garber continued, "I've been looking at pictures of supporters groups and fans in this league, and there are some people out there that could use Herbalife's new shake and nutrient system that will overload your metabolism and turn your innards into a liquefied goo that you ritualistically poop out to shed the pounds."
While it was put to Commissioner Garber that this might be insensitive for a portion of the soccer fan base, Mr Garber stated, "If we want to be the best league, we should also be the fittest league. Starting at all Major League Soccer games we will have a group calisthenics exercise for 90 minutes before the game begins. If you don't attend this you don't get to watch the match. We will also do meditative yoga and interpretive painting. There will be a light tea with a detoxifying colon cleanse followed by a barium enema. At this point then we will administer the Herbalife via IV, Oral ingestion and Herbalife's new timed release suppository. We will all be golden golds with rippling abdominal muscles, glistening sternocleidomastoid muscles, verdant rhomboid muscles, moist serratus anterior muscles bulging with creatine, and long flowing hair. We will be also conducting Scentsy sign ups after all MLS games and I suspect that some of you will like my Alan Gordon dispenser combined with our new Pumpkin Harvest blend!"
The Nutmeg News will have more on this from Major League Soccer corporate when we finish our 20 week on-boarding process for the partnership with Avon. Would you like to have an Avon party at your house? How about at our house? How about at Red Bull Arena? Lets have one at the Red Bull Arena! You can call Karen and Steve. You know them better than I do! Well, of course, I mean it might be awkward there but they seem to have stayed friends since the divorce. They might buy something just to compete with each other.
Well, I don't know about their dog, but I'm sure it will be fine at the party.
Yes, I absolutely think you should call Fred. He would love some Herbalife and Avon. You know what? Let's create a facebook group for this whole thing and spam all your friends! Yeah! The more the merrier! They don't have to buy a thing, not a single thing. Do you have a way to create an E-Card? Do people even USE e-cards anymore? Let's just invite everyone. Oh you have your work email list from 10 years ago that contain the email address of 1200 people that you don't know? Let's just sign them all up and send an e-vite to their mailbox, they will love this! Who doesn't want to get in on the groundfloor of an opportunity to purchase and sell MLS themed Avon and Herbalife products!