Tech Firm Announces Cascadia Soccer Dating App

San Francisco, CA - Komatsu Amalgamated, a technology firm based out of San Francisco, announced today the development of a Cascadia Soccer dating application that will allow fans of the Whitecaps, Sounders and Timbers to date fans of their own team or other teams. 

"We noticed that there was a severe issue when it came to two mates attempting to find each other in the vastness of the spectrum of soccer that exists in the region. As such, we decided to make an application that would allow those who wish to experience both physical and metaphysical intimacy with members who appreciate their main activity, which is watching soccer" said CEO Daiskue Watanabe. "We utilized the best programmers available to add in all metrics that will allow fans of the three soccer teams to specify who it is specifically for which they are looking."

Lead developer Darnell Holver spoke about the options available, "We have woman for man, man for woman, woman for woman, man for man, larper for ultra, ultra for bro, bro for grrl, drummer for capo, furry for mascot, front office employee for fan,  and that is just in our basic matrix.

We also have advanced matrix options available such as 'man who uses extreme amounts of sarcasm looking for woman who has an extremely positive attitude about the team at all times who also happens to have a great ass' OR 'woman who has higher standards because of the options available who is tired of dating men in the supporters group because they are all completely weird and insane', as well as 'man who stands on the edge of the supporters groups and yells but never sings who is interested in a passionate 3 month love affair with a man who stands dead center in the middle of the supporters group and loves to give the finger to goalkeepers.' We also are programming in matrix options such as 'yacht loving inside joke queen looking for Levesque look alike with interest in cos-play' and 'woman not remotely interested in drinking at Doolins who also has zero interest in the Canucks looking for woman who likes playing board games but hates poutine and thinks it is the example of repressive French ideals that are representative of Montreal culture creep.' All in all there are loads of metrics for us to program into the application that will allow us to customize the experience to nearly anyone's needs.

We will also have an incognito mode that allows you to surreptitiously date members of the opposing supporters group and set up these dates around the times on which your two teams play each other. Our dating app also programs in the normal meeting places for all the fans in all three cities which allows you to keep your clandestine love hidden."

Mr Holver said that unlike Tinder that swipes left or right depending on whether you want or do not want an interaction with the person there, the Cascadia Soccer Dating Application will swipe up or down, "We realized that this is an app for hooking up and dating. As such, you will swipe toward your genitals to indicate that you want to pull someone to them or away from your genitals if you want to repulse them. We thought it was easier."

The Nutmeg News also asked Mr Holver about whether there were things that they did not include in the application, "Yes. Enumclaw. Horse fucking. No way man.... no way."

Fan Admits That His Verbose Twitter Hate Of RSL Comes From Personal Problems

Orem, UT - Real Salt Lake season ticket holder David Mewes admitted on Tuesday that most of his recent twitter hate on his club comes from his deep personal problems that are seeping out into his sports fandom.

Mr Mewes spoke with The Nutmeg News about his situation, "I'm in the middle of a custody battle with my wife for my two children, I'm finalizing our divorce, I just had a notice that I have to start working nights.... Let's be honest, sports allows me the opportunity to take all the frustrations I have with work and just bellow them out into a nonsensical rage against the team that I love."

Mr Mewes indicated that while the team certainly has some problems and certainly needs things to be addressed that he isn't really as angry as his twitter persona @HungryHipposOnFleek would suggest. "Look, that's just the online version of me. The in person version of me is just a man going through a hard time. I mean.... sports and RSL in particular used to allow me the opportunity to escape from my tormented life of middle management and now it is just a mirror that holds up my own failings in front of me. It makes me so damn angry what Cassar is doing and it is conflated against my own personal failings as a parent."

While Mr Mewes has indicated that he won't be giving up his season tickets, he also said that his verbal discontent of Real Salt Lake will not slow, "While I realize the situation that I am in has some bearing on my current opinion, our record is still crap. I'm just waiting for the RSL that I know and love to come back and relieve me of the tormented nights I spend drinking Polygamy Porters and watching old episodes of Sesame Street from the 1970s on Netflix."

Merritt Paulson Reaches Out To Nick Sakiewicz To Offer Advice

Philadelphia, PA - After a protest against the Philadelphia Union and a back and forth between the Union ownership and the supporters group Sons of Ben, Merritt Paulson reportedly reached out to Nick Sakiewicz to give him advice on how to handle the supporters group.

TNN spoke to Mr Sakiewicz about the phone call he received from Paulson, "Well, he called and said that he had a lot of experience telling his ardent fans to fuck off and still getting them to fill up the stadium. So he felt like he had a lot to offer to me on how to accomplish this feat."

Sakiewicz said that Paulson informed him to be imperialistically dismissive towards the ardent fans, to never admit that the ownership group was in the wrong, and to ensure that he insulted the fan base frequently while simultaneously making events that encourage them to buy into the team. As such, Sakiewicz said that the Union plan on having a fan appreciation event where they take pictures of Union supporters and put them on the stadium, as well as offering more face painting booths and the ability to attend a Union training event at 10:30 am on an unannounced Wednesday in the future.

Sakiewicz said, "I learned a lot, to be honest, and I see the road map going forward. The Sons Of Ben are clearly idiots and morons. They don't understand my plan and they clearly don't understand soccer. Also, real fans get it is all about supporting the players and supporting the front office because we have a plan, we have just been unlucky implementing it. Now, come on down to the Union front office charity event with the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia on Saturday, unless you hate children and hate charity."

TNN will have more on this situation as it develops.

LAFC March To The Match Doesn't Lead To Actual Match, Confusing All

LOS ANGELES - Confusing nearly all of the assembled fans in attendance, the Los Angeles Football Club march to the match actually went nowhere on Monday.

WHAT TIME IS THE GAME!?

"I thought that we were actually going somewhere LITERALLY, not metaphorically" said director of Human Resources for Jerry's Cruller and Donut shop in Glendale, Sandra Greenderson. "We lined up, got our scarves, held the banner, posed for the picture and then we just walked, and then we stopped, and then we went home. I mean maybe there was a game that I missed? It seemed all very odd to have a march to the match that went nowhere."

Unaware that the march to the match was just a simple photo opportunity, Dale Brennen, was ready to go by the time he hit the streets, "I ... WAS.... TRASHED... BRO. Totally, TOTALLY ready to go. I wanted to see the boys out there, get them all hyyped and just get wrecked on shots, goals, and bud-light-lime. It was absolutely time to get crazy out there for the game, but I didn't find out we didn't have a game until somehow I was heading back to my car to drive home. What a bummer. I spent the rest of the night talking trash to the rest of the teams in MLS online and watching some porn."

Meanwhile, some fans were waiting all night for autographs of players that they weren't sure if they actually had in the first place.  Thomas Sonder had the following to say, "I mean it is MLS, no-one really knows all the scrub players that end up on your team, but they are your scrub players. I didn't know if they were going to show up because I didn't know we didn't have any and that the team isn't really doing anything for another three years. Oh well, I'll go to the beach now and they can call me when 2018 rolls around."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the exploits of LAFC as the next three years unfolds.

Union Fan Now Completely Convinced He Doesn't Go To The Game For The Game Anymore

Philadelphia, PA - Union fan Jeremy Brentwood has finally convinced himself that he no longer goes to the game for the game anymore.

"Seriously, I'm just happy to hang out with my friends by the corner of the River End, drink a beer, talk to the guys I haven't seen in a week and enjoy the scenery. It's like going to the city park for me now as in the distance there's a footy game, there's some loud music backed up by drums, everyone is drinking, its better when the weather is good, and I stand around talking to everyone (except in this case I pay a couple hundred dollars for the privilege)."

While Mr Brentwood admits that he was originally attracted to the game, the joy of winning and the idea of watching good players, the realization of the horrid state of the Union ownership and the play on the field eventually numbed his sensibilities and outrage to such a dull state that he eventually just stopped caring.

"Yeah, I have to say that since I've gotten to the point where I don't care about the results of the games anymore, the only thing holding me here is the community of my friends. I mean granted, it's great when the Union win, but I'm tired of actually putting the hard work into caring and just want to relax into apathetic nihilism while I float away into the haze of not giving a shit about sports. I mean, if enough of my friends stop going to games, then I'll probably stop going. If you don't care about whether the team is playing well or not, then I'm not sure why you go to the games and the same can be said about me. Eventually the novelty of going to the stadium will wear off and I'll just not renew my season tickets because of some kind of self-created financial restriction. Then I'll shed my fandom in this sport like a snake slithering out of his skin. It's fun to not care because it divests me of any real interest in anything and shields me from the pain of what loss, anger and most importantly hopelessness feels like."

The Nutmeg News asked Mr Brentwood about the Son's Of Ben protest against the Union management and he had the following to say, "No one cares. Seriously. We all just root for franchised laundry that is really irrelevant in the world of terror attacks and people getting their arms pulled off by ISIS trained crocodiles. They should just give up, go to the game, sit down... or not... I mean it doesn't really matter anyway. Everything about sports is especially stupid, and they are clearly pretty stupid to care so much about the things that they spend time caring about. I mean, whats the deal with actually giving a shit about things? They seem like nice guys, but no one ever got anything done by making their voice heard. Every single bad situation in history, sports or life was fixed by not doing anything at all and hanging out with your friends and drinking a bit more. It is much better to just take everything on the chin until you just roll over into a small ball and retreat from everything that you like in life. If you submit enough, then eventually someone will just hand you the perfect opportunity. I call it my shrinking violet philosophy."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the state of the Union as it happens.

USOC 2015: Harpo's FC Victory Over BYU A Declarative Win For Beer Drinking, Freedom Loving Advocates Everywhere

Provo, UT - The first round of the US Open Cup produced a memorable upset for marijauana loving, beer drinking, hot coffee enjoying, gay marriage advocating freedom fighters everywhere as Avery Brewing's Harpo's FC took down Brigham Young University on penalty kicks.

"This is a statement against the totalitarian religious institutions that seek to restrict their freedoms" said panhandler and  local Boulder roustabout Crazy Pete. "We here in Boulder are kind to our weed smoking, beer drinking, gay marriage advocates and that love towards our fellow humans is reciprocated throughout the world and bestowed upon our local team in karma. It shows as we were blessed in this local...um... what was it? SOCCER? Ok, well soccer then, tournament."

Zac Gibbens, Harpo's goalkeeper, was reported as saying, "I'm going to really enjoy myself, have a few drinks, celebrate this win and then head back to Denver because I had to take a few days off from my actual day job to go play in the US Open Cup and beat this young college team."

Harpo's FC teammates celebrating by taking a victory shot.

While BYU sent more shots into orbit than NASA during the game, they also provided an excellent backdrop for the drama that happened.

"Wow, I'm fricking upset" said local fan Jeremy Smith. "At least I have the memory of Jimmer. All hail Jimmer."  TNN was unable to speak with any BYU players as they all had to hurry back to their girlfriends to be able to see them quickly and avoid violating the restrictive BYU honor code and which requires them to be out of any mixed gender situation by midnight.

A self described "Bullshit Pub Team", Harpo's managed to take the game to the Premier Development League college team and outlasted them on penalties to stay in the US Open Cup tournament. They will next play on May 20th 2015 against the Colorado Switchbacks.

TNN will continue our coverage of the US Open Cup as it happens

ESPN Releases FIFA Documentary

Bristol, CT - ESPN recently announced that their recent documentary on the FIFA scandal that surrounds corruption and the World Cup bids is available online as well as on broadcast television. However, ESPN officials told The Nutmeg News that the documentary is, as well, available to be pulled down and destroyed if FIFA will agree to a certain set of conditions.

"In the grand tradition of tombstoning documentaries that criticize things ESPN makes money on, we here at the World Wide (North American) Leader In Sports will gladly kill this FIFA corruption documentary if FIFA would just swing the World Cup rights back over to our channel" said director of Programming Brent Colborne.

"ALLEGEDLY, We already killed the expose documentary that we were producing on concussions in the National Football League at the League's behest due to our involvement with broadcasting games. (you know what I'm talking about, Roger) We would be more than happy to destroy all copies of the FIFA corruption documentary if FIFA would just slip us the Television rights and maybe we slip them a cool billion or so."

While the rights to the English Language television broadcast of the FIFA World Cup in North America was won by FOX, ESPN appears to still be a major competitor and desperately wants the rights back.

ESPN's John Skipper had the following to say on the matter, "We tried everything, we bribed, we begged, we wined and dined their compatriots, but who knows what FOX did to get those rights. I mean.... allegedly.... they took Sepp out to the Arizona desert, got him really high on peyote and let him fire bottle rockets at immigrants until he was tired and then slipped him a couple hundred million dollars in a unmarked bills. Again. ALLEGEDLY. However, as I said before, if FIFA wants us to stop the documentary like we did with the NFL concussion documentary, then just show us the money and show us the ratings. You give us the World Cup and we will literally do anything for you, FIFA. C'mon sepp, you know you want an all access pass to the Spearmint Rhino! I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. We fired Simmons, so we have an extra couple million floating around. LETS MAKE A DEAL."

The Nutmeg News will have more news on this as it happens.

MLS Announces TV Deal In China And That Players Are Greedy Bastards

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS), today, announced a groundbreaking television deal to broadcast games in China. In the same press release, Major League Soccer indicated that despite all the recent sponsorship deals they still believe that their players are nothing but greedy bastards who don't deserve a penny more or real free agency. 

"We truly believe that our future is in the television rights of the countries outside the country in which we currently play. We also believe that our players don't deserve to see a single red cent of that money because they are talent-less hacks who don't deserve the league that we give them. Granted we have signed a number of new sponsorship and television rights deals recently which will pay the league large amounts of money but at the same time we want to point out that our players deserve none of this. While it is true that we built the league entirely on their backs and have intentionally made it difficult for them to get paid a living wage during the early days of the league as well as obfuscating the way in which they can move about the league, the reason we did all that is because they are shit." said Commissioner of Major League Soccer, Don Garber. "The best way in which we can move forward is to create a massive amount of sponsorship and figure out a way in which the salary cap never increases which will increase the profit margin that our teams make while we work on expanding our bottom line."

The players union representative for Major League Soccer had the following to say, "We totally agree with Don. We just aren't worth the finances they don't want to pay us and that's why we caved at the beginning of the year. We wanted just a few percentage points, and the illusion of free-agency. Congratulations to Major League Soccer on their rights sponsorship in China and we hope to be able to save them some money going forward."

Man's Sole Purpose In Life To Note Inaccuracies Within Soccer Stories In Comments Section

WASHINGTON - Joel Bradding announced on Facebook that his sole purpose in life was to note small inaccuracies within soccer stories in the comments section.

It's Graham Zusi, not Grahm Zusi!

"When I see inaccuracies, especially in the international media, it is my absolute duty to be an unapologetic dick to the writer of the article by calling him misinformed, missing the point, uneducated or perhaps moronic. These reporters don't know what they are doing by missing out on the subtle nuances of the sport at the microscopic regional level."

Mr Bradding's most recent foray was on a Guardian piece about Major League Soccer, "I noticed that they used a "THE" descriptor for the league instead of just writing MLS. It was my duty to pillory the author in the comments section while lambasting the league, the fans, the other reporters and every person who isn't me for their lack of understanding."

While his friends report that they don't know who we were asking about and asked whether we were talking about the guy who works in the corner cubicle that never talks to anyone at work, Mr Bradding said, "I have a great social life. I critique life, I critique sports, I am constantly entertaining myself because I trust that I know what I am doing."

Mr Bradding said the most difficult thing is keeping a regimen every morning to ensure that he covers all possible avenues to make a comment. "I have an extensive bookmark list and a timed schedule that covers Twitter, Facebook, message boards and Reddit in order to make sure that I see all the articles out there that need my guidance. It is important to make sure that I comment on the smallest NPSL story on the Washington Post or the largest Champions League story on SI. I especially ensure that I start long rants on Facebook comments to generate discussion there. It is an especially favorite portion of comment among my many fans. I'm also starting to expand into commenting on soccer stories based in the political realm. Very soon you will see my comments there, as well as my expanded presence on yelp."

Calgary To Hold First Combined International Rodeo and Soccer Tournament

Calgary, AB - Calgary Foothills SC has announced that in partnership with their upcoming May 17th game in the Premier Development League they will be launching the first ever International Rodeo and Soccer Tournament to be held on the dusty slopes of Nose Hill Park in Calgary, Alberta.

"This is the first time where the sport of Rodeo and the sport of Soccer will be combined to created a hybrid bulldogging, fast paced, pass and move, rope some cattle experience," said Foothills SC director of Public Relations Dave McCarry. "We are going to run this as a two week long event where we rotate both rodeo events and soccer games with the rodeo events deciding how much on aggregate the various teams are up or down before they enter the field. In this way, a man who gets his team a point in the bareback event will also allow his team to be a goal up before they even enter the field."

McCarry went on to illustrate the need for such cross branding. "We here in Calgary take our sports seriously and in order to show that soccer isn't just a sport for kids when the ponds aren't frozen over and the Stampede aren't on Television, we need to pump up the soccer action a bit. Imagine watching Laurent Ciman from Montreal trying to ride a bull for 8 seconds and then attempting to steer wrestle before he has to put in 90 minutes against Jozy Altidore. This situation will be endlessly entertaining."

Despite the interest shown in the combined event, Mr McCarry indicated that he had one other trick up his sleeve, "The highlight of the weekend will be during the final where in the last 5 minutes of the game we will have a greased calf scramble that all the players who make the final must participate in while trying to finish the game. First team to catch the calf and score a goal gets an extra 10 points."

The Nutmeg News will continue covering developments in Alberta as they happen.

OPINION: The Soccer Bubble Is REAL! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Stevenage Wolfspaw of Austin, Texas. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Wolfspaw do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

The soccer bubble is REAL. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! You may hear people tell you that soccer fans exist in a bubble, but little did you know that the soccer bubble is a real physical thing! Ever seen contrails in the sky over your soccer stadium? That is the gas being dropped over the curvature of the bubble that exists over soccer loving areas to prevent the spread of our socialist and leftist European loving selfs. 

Soccer love exists only as a bacterial infection of those with weak constitutions in certain locations of North America. It was brought here by the Spanish during the war of Tallahassee, and has been spreading surreptitiously throughout communities infecting godless atheists with the ability to like European football. The government during the 1980's in conjunction with Margaret Thatcher instituted the creation of force field bubbles which would isolate infectious microbes within the communities that embraced the game, but all this did was institutionalize the infections within groups of communities like Portland, Seattle and Vancouver. Why do you think the northwest loves soccer so much? IT'S A BUBBLE, an ACTUAL BUBBLE.  

How do I explain New York City then? I can! The lack of a citywide soccer bubble is why the game is only treated as a 5th level sport. The government, under the auspice of the Hoover administration run by the Rothschild's (who infected the Catalan underground government 100 years ago) attempted to put a quarantine on Cosmos games but the infection spread because they weren't able to contain the prophet Pele spreading the infection outside the quarantine. Thus others were infected, but not on a city wide scale. The people you see at Red Bulls and NYCFC games are the descendants of those infected fans or those that have passed the soccer infection through sexually transmitted contact.

My God, why do you think that the United States deposed the government in Chile? To prevent the spread of soccer loving South Americans to the United States by enacting a soccer bubble. It's the same on the border of Mexico. You think the United States constructed the border wall to keep out immigrants? No. SOCCER BUBBLE. You get too close to the Rio Grande and you start to talk about registas and the greatness of Diego Maradona.  This is the construct that the modern fan fights through. It isn't apathetic and downright hostile antagonistic dislike from portions of the United States and Canada, it is those areas reacting against the biological infection which spreads as migrants leave their soccer bubble. We here in Austin have been fighting against this usage of force field bubbles for years as Phil Rawlins was forced by the illuminati and Sunil Gulati to move the Aztex's to Orlando due to the cost to envelop the suburbs of Austin (like Round Rock) into an expansive and expensive bubble.

In closing, SEE WITH YOUR MIND, NOT WITH YOUR EYES. THE SOCCER BUBBLE IS REAL! YOU ARE THE INFECTED QUARANTINED.

Stevenage Wolfspaw

Austin, Texas 

English Dildo Expert Disavows Association With Toronto Cowards

Bristol, ENG - English television dildo expert James Hendry disavowed any association with the cowards that told a Toronto reporter they would "fuck her right in the pussy" and then blamed him for the inspiration, the Nutmeg News was able to learn.

Our reporters caught up with Mr Hendry at his house in Bristol, just off the A4 in Totterdown. "I would never do that to a woman reporter" said Mr Hendry, "I mean it just makes you look like  a complete twat. My stuff is completely ridiculous, but I try to have a code. I'm not going to attack women and I'm definitely not going to do that on game day against a person just trying to get 'man on the street' perspective."

Mr Hendry's work (as shown above) has now, in the grand tradition of all things soccer in North America, been reduced to horrible, idiotic imitation as douchebag Toronto Football Club fans decided to show that idiocy abroad can contaminate the idiotic closer to home.

While Mr Hendry appeared to be un-apologetic for his dildo exploits, he had a word to say for the men in Toronto. "You guys are arseholes." 

When asked how he can employ the cognitive dissonance of enjoying dildoing a mans ear in England but disliking men threatening to do it to a woman in Toronto, Mr Hendry replied, "because they weren't trying to be funny, they weren't trying to be absurd, they were trying to be bro, asshole idiots who threatened a woman and then doubled down on it by referring to something as idiotic as what I did. Just because I'm out there being a moron, doesn't give them the right to scream their vulgar idiotic misconceptions at someone doing their job. I mean, what kind of man goes around screaming sexually explicit things at women on the street? I'll tell you who does that, they are called assholes."

The Nutmeg News will continue part 456 of our never ending story of "Assholes In America: The Story Of Drunk Fans" next week with "The person who can't stop yelling misogynistic things to players on the field"

Major League Soccer Broadcasters Just As Good At Hiring Horrible Commentators As Other North American Sports Leagues

Major League Soccer (MLS) has long wished to have the same kind of impact on North America as the established leagues of professional football, basketball, baseball and hockey. This season, MLS Broadcasters finally hit that lofty goal by hiring ex-players and commentators who routinely act like disinterested jackasses behind the microphone.

"We have been working slowly with our partners to ensure that the league is broadcast to the same horrible standard as all the rest of the leagues in the United States and Canada. We've been looking for our Boomer Esiason, our John Madden during the last 5 years where he didn't care, our Chris Berman, our Rush Limbaugh, our Mike Patrick and we finally believe that we have found some good combinations" said vice-president of MLS, Mark Abbot.

"We had to choose between Wynalda and Lalas" said director of Fox Programming Larry Dublo "And it was like picking between the controversial jerk that you know versus the controversial moron that you want. The thing we liked about Lalas was his ability to simultaneously sound excitedly bored and disinterestedly dispassionate. Our organization really likes that Lalas sounds like he is constantly texting and tweeting while looking for something to say that will generate buzz on the internet. The main thing is controversy. It might be controversial to say that we want someone controversial, but if that controversy becomes controversial then we will have conversational controversial and that is what we want. Also, who doesn't love a little disinterested controversy. PROMOTION RELEGATION IS FODDER FOR EUROSNOB LIASONS BETWEEN FRENCH LOVING EX-PATRIOT BORDER PATROL ELIGIBLE USMNT PLAYERS. See? That's great stuff right there. CONTROVERSY! Based on our research, roughly 20% of our audience fell asleep and didn't change the channel and another 5% are just watching to see what Lalas will say. It's a great time to be alive and Germans are here to steal USMNT spots from American born players! SEE, CONTROVERSIAL. LALAS! TUNE IN! DUBLO OUT!"

TNN spoke with Alexi Lalas and he had the following to say, "Haters are lovers in disguise. #KlinsmannKnows #AskLalas" 

45 Year Old US Soccer Fan Starts First Conversation With "Back In My Day"

Norfolk, VA - 45 year old Soccer fan David Gregory started a recent conversation with 16 year old nephew Charles Lattermore by utilizing the words, "Back In My Day". This turn of a phrase signified the first time Mr Gregory attempted to show young whippersnappers how it used to be for soccer fans in the United States.

"You don't know what it was like when soccer was the 4th sport in the US, the federation was dysfunctional, the men's team wasn't very good and the league was turning over and growing."

"I didn't know what I was doing at first, but the words came out of my mouth so fast. He was sitting there complaining about how there wasn't an MLS game on television until later in the afternoon and it just happened. 'BACK IN MY DAY,  we didn't even have games on TV, and you couldn't get any coverage in the news at all. Hell we didn't even have a league!' I then realized that this made me exceptionally old and that having lived through the bad-old-days of American soccer gave me a license to automatically register his complaints to that of a serial whiner."

Gregory stated that he used to have to catch soccer by watching the game on Soccer Made In Germany on PBS during the 80's, and that he had friends bring back newspapers from Europe if they visited during the 90's. "I was the only person on my street who subscribed to European magazines, but even then it was nearly impossible to follow any team in the United States before 1994. These young whippersnappers today don't know how good they have it, and because of this I'm going to make sure that they know they can never complain about soccer in the United States."

Not only that, but Mr Gregory stated that it is the mandate of every fan in the United States to not even try to fix things but rather to bask in the remembrances of storytellers like Mr Gregory himself who will educated children on the wasteland time of United States soccer. "These young punks don't know, and they shouldn't complain or try to fix anything. It's all good now regardless of how they think they can 'fix the league' or want some European setup to make things better. At least we can WATCH games now. DONT COMPLAIN YOU YOUNG PUNKS. All it takes is whiners and BAM.. we don't have a league and BAM... we are back in the dark ages again and BAM... it's just like the NASL all over again in every way. You don't even know. It just takes one person turning off the television and everything will very clearly revert back to 1981. This is why I give wholesale support to the idea of one league and Garber be praised. Now stop complaining you young whippersnappers."

.... Mr Gregory put a Werther's Original in his mouth here...

"Also, did I tell you about the time that Alexi Lalas played for Padova and we found about this 2 weeks later. It was a glorious time and we used to tie an onion to our belt as was the time."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as people get older and continue to complain about the youth of today, what with their cell phones and selfies. WHY DON'T YOU PULL YOURSELVES UP BY YOUR BOOTSTRAPS AND STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT ALL THAT INSANE DEBT THAT YOU ARE IN ALL THE TIME? Why I bought my first house for $26,000 and walked both ways to school by the time I was 4 years old.

Carefully worded title meant to entice and/or enrage you enough to click the link

Editors Note: Ronald DePuy was a reporter for The Nutmeg News who covered Major League Soccer and the NASL. DePuy was recently divorced by his wife Claudia of 14 years and resigned from our news organization today. The Nutmeg News has accepted this column  and agreed to print it per his final request with our organization. Thanks for everything Ronald and all of us at The Nutmeg News wish you the best!

Today the owners of a soccer team made an announcement and in order to make enough money to meagerly feed ourselves and start to dream of paying off our journalism degrees, TNN has decided to write about it so that you’ll come visit the site. The team’s front office called all of us and let us know that they scheduled a gathering to talk about the change because it’s not like journalists actually line up outside the stadium every day waiting for something to happen. These things are all orchestrated and organized by the team itself in order to make it look like people actually care. Breaking news: they don’t.

“We are really excited,” he started, which is how these things always start. They think that by saying that “they are excited” that we’re supposed to just magically get excited but by this point the word has lost all meaning whatsoever. It’s 2015. You have to get comically vulgar in order to get anyone’s actual attention these days by saying something like: “On game day our new player is going to transform our floppy-cock team into boner-central with an erection that will last for 90 minutes or more. Now, who wants to line up to touch the cock?”

So it turns out the team hired a player from another country because the dollar’s buying power made it a huge bargain and it makes the player seem all foreign and mysterious. It’s about as foreign and mysterious as French Roast coffee. The only reason the player is here in MLS is because they either have a history of injuries or have just given up on life.  Anyway, this new player is supposed to be the goddamned messiah and everyone is supposed to line up for the forgiveness of sins circlejerk just before they plan on nailing him to a cross when the owners inevitably shift blame over to him to cover their own incompetency.

So go rack up more debt on your credit card and buy a team jersey with this guy’s name and number on it so you can come across it in your closet in a couple years and embarrassingly send it off to Goodwill. While you’re at it go buy a beer at the game that costs the equivalent of a six-pack of microbrews to forget about how shitty your life is for an afternoon and help fill the pockets of the team owners who have never worked a day of labor in their lives. Also be sure to pick up the latest team scarf so you can hang yourself with it when you do the math and figure out how much you’ve actually spent on a fucking sports team over the course of your life.

TNN will follow up with any new updates but you’re not going to be paying attention anyway so what’s it matter. If you’ve even gotten this far I’d be impressed. Sports news shit is so mundane and repetitive I don’t know how you people do it. If you spent half the time on following stock trends that you do on passing statistics you’d have enough money to buy your own soccer team to run into the ground. But whatever, thanks for viewing the page, that’s 5 cents for my kids college I can put in a jar.

Philadelphia Union To Crowd Source Goalkeepers

Philadelphia, PA - Despite having roughly 1,452,340,235 goalkeepers already signed to their roster, the Philadelphia Union have ended up with none after accidents on the training pitch and the continuing saga of their premier signing, M'bolhi, this season. As such, the Union have announced that they are turning control of their goalkeeper position over to the Philadelphia away fans who can come try out on Saturday about 10 minutes before the game in Vancouver.

Director of Public Relations, Steve Haner, had the following to say, "We don't care who you are or what you do, but if you want to come play keeper for the Union then COME ON DOWN! We were overloaded on keepers, but now we have a massive vacancy, somehow. This may seem unbelievably depressing if you are Union fan, but it shouldn't be. That's because YOU could be the keeper and this was really our plan all along, trust me.  So if you have two hands, two feet, and you are genetically predisposed to not freak out when a bunch of 175 pound men run at you as fast as humanely possible, then you could be the starting goalkeeper for the Union."

Mr. Haner also stated that the team is considering crowd sourcing a manager after they fire Jim Curtin for a whole wealth of situations that he couldn't really possibly control including the clownshoes way in which the team has been run recently, "It's important for us to continue the idea that we are just one coach away from having this right" said Haner "In that vein, expect us to wait til summer to fire Curtin and then we will find some smart janitor like that Good Will Hunting movie to run the team, or maybe we could find a plumber from Harrisburg, now THAT would be a feel good story."

TNN asked about the possibility of hiring a professional coach and Mr. Haner stated, "Well, we DO still have Nowak on speed dial."

Major League Soccer Announces Correction To Their Final Fantasy Soccer Gameplay

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer (MLS) announced a correction in their Final Fantasy Soccer game on Thursday after fan complaints about an overpowered wall/heal spell combination was leading to too many ties in their head to head league.

The director of Major League Soccer Mage Research and Advanced Blitz Techniques, Sandra Rogers, spoke to the press on a conference call, "We realized that we gave entirely too much emphasis to wall and heal spells, which lead to figurative teams drawing against each other thus negating the obvious benefits of winning in our league. We also realized that no one had decided to implement the private airship benefit for fast travel due to the financial restrictions it would place on your squad for 2 turns (weeks). So we turned down the effectiveness of wall and heal in order to emphasize aggressive, attacking options." 

MLS Final Fantasy player Jim Thorington agreed, "Man these games were boring with wall/heal. I used a phoenix down on Diego Valeri for the last game, just kept casting heal with my level 46 player Giovinco and walked out with a point against my bitter rival 'LEEEEEROYJENKSHEA420' in our head to head league."

Brek Shea is a chocobo in MLS Final Fantasy Soccer 1

Player Tiffany Randall had some of the same problems this week and shared her strategy with getting by, "My DPs were low on HP during the week as Keane was poisoned. I didn't have an antidote to fix him so he kept shedding HP, and I couldn't use break against my opponents regen spell, so I  just started holing up by using basic attacks and hoping that Zusi would get an assist so it would unlock my summon spell for Bradley Wright Phillips."

Not everyone is happy with the proposed changes though as player Frank Delebon indicated in his interview with us stating, "Fucking MLS, always nerfing the good stuff. What's next, devaluing the ability to get double xp by equipping your team with the exact kit they are wearing on that day? Lame. IT'S A TACTICAL GAME, PEOPLE."

Front Office Supporters Group Rebrand Ignites Ancient New York Rivalry

NEW YORK - Don Garber and representatives from Red Bull New York and New York City FC met with reporters today to discuss last minute changes to their supporters groups with the shadow of the derby game only a few days away.

“In light of the legendary match-up happening this Sunday between the only New York soccer teams,” said Garber “we thought we would take this opportunity to re-brand the supporters sections as a way to highlight the ancient rivalry between not only these two teams but the supporters as well. Not unlike the Celtic and Rangers rivalry whose rivalry goes beyond the soccer field, RBNY and NYCFC supporters have animosity going back generations with literal blood having been spilled between the two.”

Garber continued, “It is in this spirit that we have decided to re-brand their supporters sections. Starting today the Red Bull supporters group 'Empire Supporters Club' will now be known as the ‘Dead Rabbits’ and the NYCFC supporters group 'Third Rail' will now be known as the ‘Bowery Boys.’  We hope that this new branding will help to spark the kind of rivalry and passion that has been present for over a hundred years between the two groups.”

Garber then handed the microphone over to the head of the MLS Supporters Group Marketing division, Peter Briston. “In addition to the name change we have also decided to use this opportunity to unveil a new product for MLS, the Team Supporters Kit. These are designed specifically for supporters from each team to wear to show that they are not only fans of the team but also a dedicated supporter that is connected to the teams history via a purchase of $89.99.  Our first two supporters kits are designed for NYCFC and RBNY groups with the Dead Rabbits kit being off white with red hoops and the Bowery Boys being off white with blue hoops.”

Animosity exists between the two groups, even at the recent supporters kit unveiling.

Garber then began to accept questions from the press and was asked “How can you push this historical inaccuracy knowing full well that there are no ties with these teams to any kind of history at all especially the early city gangs that had a multi-generational rivalry?“  

Garber responded by having the reporter removed and then he addressed the remaining members of the press. “The same questions were asked when we unveiled the Philadelphia Union third kit that called back to Bethlehem Steel FC, a team that had no connection whatsoever to the Union. I say that we are clearly giving the people what they want as the sales numbers for the kit were amazing. Who cares if it’s historically accurate or not as long as it gets people excited.”

When asked for any final word before the big game on Sunday Garber replied, “This match-up is going to be legendary and we now have the supporters groups we want to get behind it and drive the energy of the match.  This is going to be a bigger sporting event than when Tyson fought Ali.“

Woman Enjoys Everything About Soccer Except The People Who Comment On Women's Soccer

Raleigh, NC - Soccer fan Victoria Albright found everything that she needed in the sport of soccer over the years including friends, passion, teamwork and a lifelong obsession. However, her turn into writing about the game that she loved skewed a bit dark as she found out how deep the idiocy is in the world of online banter, criticism and negativity that flows towards women who write about soccer.

JILL ELLIS -- JILL ELLIS -- JILL ELLIS

"Well, I knew it was bad. I mean it usually always is with the backhanded complements or the explaining of things that I've known about for nearly my entire life. However, I couldn't have predicted what would happen when I started writing about women's soccer, specifically the United States women's national team."

Albright started covering the team for a personal website project on the Women's World Cup and found that what she thought would be a respite from misogynist comments ended up being a vitriolic hellhole of personal attacks because of her opinion on United States National Team players.

"My god, the response to me writing about Chris Wondolowski was nothing compared the hate I received when I wrote about Alex Morgan, Sydney Leroux and Christen Press. I was flooded with Morgan and Leroux fans who, at best, called me un-american, hateful, unattractive and an idiot. Of course many of these missives were written in emoticon format and the vast majority were from accounts that seemed to be set up in a bizarre stalking ring of United States players; but I never knew that the obsession with our players was this bad."

Albright continued, "I mean it is positively scary sometimes at the level of devotion that these women and men have towards the team. You compare things about ex-players like Briana Scurry and Mia Hamm versus the current team and you are the devil. You say a critical thing about Abby Wambach and you are the devil. You say a critical thing about Alex Morgan and you might as well up the bandwidth on your site because people are coming for you. Cult of personality doesn't even begin to touch the obsession."

Albright stated that while this side of United States Women's soccer has been bad that it only pushes her to continue writing about the team as a whole. However she did say that she had one piece of social media in which she wasn't interested, "Tumblr, fuck that shit. It's scary."

Man Comes Out As Major League Soccer Supporter To His Parents

Lawrence, KS - Franklin Templeton Jr  recently admitted something to his parents that he never wanted to see the light of day. That is, that Mr Templeton  is a Sporting Kansas City and Major League Soccer supporter.

TNN spoke with Mr Templeton to find out his own perspective on the story, "I had to tell my parents. A friend of mine found me with a match being displayed on my cell phone that I was covertly watching when we went to a Royals game. He threatened to blackmail me and successfully did so for over a year. I couldn't take it anymore. The shame, the fear, the constant loathing of my own person, it was as destructive an environment as I could possibly have imagined. One time, I had to buy him Totino's pizza every week for over six months. It was horrible."

Templeton's parents were shocked to find out that their son was involved in the MLS lifestyle. 

"I never believed it" said father Frank Templeton Sr. "He was a good boy, I'll admit that he never really seemed interested in Baseball or Football growing up but I thought that was a phase and he would grow out of it. Seeing him like this, betraying his midwest values and going in with a league like Major League Soccer is something that really makes my stomach turn. If he was going to go in with a soccer league, he could have at least gone for a talented league like La Liga or the Premier League. When I was overseas during the war, my friends and I managed to sneak down to London and catch games together. The atmosphere was steamy, and the stands back then were all men. It was the good old days, but This... THIS... MLS? This is an abomination."

Mr Templeton's mother, Betty Sue Templeton, tried to mend the fences. "Well, I played soccer in college and I would come into the room when he was little and find him trying on soccer cleats. I knew there was always a chance. I mean some people are likely born a soccer fan. It is disappointing to me though because I'm not going to get to go to anymore Chiefs games with my son. He won't be giving me any more little football players, because he isn't into buying me the rare set of Hummel figurines of the Chief's greatest concussions anymore."

The biggest change of Mr Templeton's life came when he had to inform his best friend Donny Kasziemeric of his attachment and attraction to Major League Soccer. "What the hell was I supposed to do" Said Mr Kasziemeric. "We were in a fantasty football league together and now he is talking about Graham Zusi and Dom Dwyer. I just constantly think that he isn't paying attention to Marshawn Lynch's rushing statistics anymore and seems to be dreaming about the passing tempo of tiki taka. I'm an open minded guy, but I'm afraid that he is just going to try to push me into the Major League Soccer lifestyle. He keeps dropping hints about wanting to go to a game."

Fortunately, Mr Templeton found friends that are understanding and supportive within the Sporting Kansas City community. "I made friends in the Cauldron and at the tailgates on gameday. They understand what I  had to go through and we all hang out together. Some day I hope that my father can understand and maybe even attend a game with me. That way he can see that I'm happy and that's all that matters."