Major League Soccer Broadcasters Just As Good At Hiring Horrible Commentators As Other North American Sports Leagues

Major League Soccer (MLS) has long wished to have the same kind of impact on North America as the established leagues of professional football, basketball, baseball and hockey. This season, MLS Broadcasters finally hit that lofty goal by hiring ex-players and commentators who routinely act like disinterested jackasses behind the microphone.

"We have been working slowly with our partners to ensure that the league is broadcast to the same horrible standard as all the rest of the leagues in the United States and Canada. We've been looking for our Boomer Esiason, our John Madden during the last 5 years where he didn't care, our Chris Berman, our Rush Limbaugh, our Mike Patrick and we finally believe that we have found some good combinations" said vice-president of MLS, Mark Abbot.

"We had to choose between Wynalda and Lalas" said director of Fox Programming Larry Dublo "And it was like picking between the controversial jerk that you know versus the controversial moron that you want. The thing we liked about Lalas was his ability to simultaneously sound excitedly bored and disinterestedly dispassionate. Our organization really likes that Lalas sounds like he is constantly texting and tweeting while looking for something to say that will generate buzz on the internet. The main thing is controversy. It might be controversial to say that we want someone controversial, but if that controversy becomes controversial then we will have conversational controversial and that is what we want. Also, who doesn't love a little disinterested controversy. PROMOTION RELEGATION IS FODDER FOR EUROSNOB LIASONS BETWEEN FRENCH LOVING EX-PATRIOT BORDER PATROL ELIGIBLE USMNT PLAYERS. See? That's great stuff right there. CONTROVERSY! Based on our research, roughly 20% of our audience fell asleep and didn't change the channel and another 5% are just watching to see what Lalas will say. It's a great time to be alive and Germans are here to steal USMNT spots from American born players! SEE, CONTROVERSIAL. LALAS! TUNE IN! DUBLO OUT!"

TNN spoke with Alexi Lalas and he had the following to say, "Haters are lovers in disguise. #KlinsmannKnows #AskLalas"