Editors Note: Ronald DePuy was a reporter for The Nutmeg News who covered Major League Soccer and the NASL. DePuy was recently divorced by his wife Claudia of 14 years and resigned from our news organization today. The Nutmeg News has accepted this column and agreed to print it per his final request with our organization. Thanks for everything Ronald and all of us at The Nutmeg News wish you the best!
Today the owners of a soccer team made an announcement and in order to make enough money to meagerly feed ourselves and start to dream of paying off our journalism degrees, TNN has decided to write about it so that you’ll come visit the site. The team’s front office called all of us and let us know that they scheduled a gathering to talk about the change because it’s not like journalists actually line up outside the stadium every day waiting for something to happen. These things are all orchestrated and organized by the team itself in order to make it look like people actually care. Breaking news: they don’t.
“We are really excited,” he started, which is how these things always start. They think that by saying that “they are excited” that we’re supposed to just magically get excited but by this point the word has lost all meaning whatsoever. It’s 2015. You have to get comically vulgar in order to get anyone’s actual attention these days by saying something like: “On game day our new player is going to transform our floppy-cock team into boner-central with an erection that will last for 90 minutes or more. Now, who wants to line up to touch the cock?”
So it turns out the team hired a player from another country because the dollar’s buying power made it a huge bargain and it makes the player seem all foreign and mysterious. It’s about as foreign and mysterious as French Roast coffee. The only reason the player is here in MLS is because they either have a history of injuries or have just given up on life. Anyway, this new player is supposed to be the goddamned messiah and everyone is supposed to line up for the forgiveness of sins circlejerk just before they plan on nailing him to a cross when the owners inevitably shift blame over to him to cover their own incompetency.
So go rack up more debt on your credit card and buy a team jersey with this guy’s name and number on it so you can come across it in your closet in a couple years and embarrassingly send it off to Goodwill. While you’re at it go buy a beer at the game that costs the equivalent of a six-pack of microbrews to forget about how shitty your life is for an afternoon and help fill the pockets of the team owners who have never worked a day of labor in their lives. Also be sure to pick up the latest team scarf so you can hang yourself with it when you do the math and figure out how much you’ve actually spent on a fucking sports team over the course of your life.
TNN will follow up with any new updates but you’re not going to be paying attention anyway so what’s it matter. If you’ve even gotten this far I’d be impressed. Sports news shit is so mundane and repetitive I don’t know how you people do it. If you spent half the time on following stock trends that you do on passing statistics you’d have enough money to buy your own soccer team to run into the ground. But whatever, thanks for viewing the page, that’s 5 cents for my kids college I can put in a jar.