Middle Of The Road Is Fertile Ground For Sanctimonious Blowhard

Salt Lake City, UT - Opinionated know it all, Henry Joyce, has found that being firmly entrenched in the middle of the road with regards to his opinion on Real Salt Lake and Major League Soccer has proven very fertile ground for his career of being a sanctimonious know it all.

Look, he is basically yelling at a free standing monitor for no reason. 

Look, he is basically yelling at a free standing monitor for no reason. 

"I've found that being able to always see both sides of the story allows me to straddle any lines of conflict. This allows me to, essentially, always claim that I am in the right and that my opinion at all times is valid." said Joyce. 

"While I consider myself a fan, I also consider myself a level headed man who is capable of full empathy with everyone around him at all times, and when you combine this with an encyclopedic knowledge (obtained by wikipedia) of all statistical and theoretical conventions for soccer it makes me the ultimate milquetoast sentiment giver on all things related to soccer, Real Salt Lake and even the universe."

Friends who follow him online have often said that Joyce is so obstinately entrenched in the middle of the road opinion lifestyle that it makes it impossible for him to really even cheer for a team. 

Joyce confirmed this, as well, to The Nutmeg News, "Having too much of a connection to a team is really the engagement of passion. I like to ensure that I have my dispassionate self fully aware of the game at all times. This allows me to correctly look down on those that passionately state their opinion or even root for the team in a passionate manor. We should all be completely divested of any interest in passionate endeavor. Life is really about finding the middle of everything and perching ones self there so that you can mock everyone on both sides until they eventually crumble under the intensity of your self belief."

When asked by The Nutmeg News why he still has tickets to Real Salt Lake if he doesn't really care about them Joyce had the following to say, "Without my tickets to them, I can't make fun of all the rest of the people who have tickets to watch them. My life's work is pointing out the flaws of everyone else. It's a booming business, especially on twitter."

Anecdotal Stories Indicate There Were Actually 2000 Away Timbers Fans At US Open Cup Game

Portland, OR - Anecdotal stories, this morning, from the US Open Cup game against the Seattle Sounders indicate that there were actually 2000 Timbers Army in attendance instead of the roughly 100 shown on video.

"Nearly every single person I have talked to was apparently there" said TA member Joe Williams. "I've had three separate conversations with people who were talking about what happened on the field last night that I know weren't there."

The Nutmeg News was able to have a video conference this morning with five still drunk fans who all claimed they were there despite not having any evidence from the game last night. "I was either there, or I felt like I was there, or I just had my personal mixologist mix me 5 lemongrass infused martinis. I can't really remember" said Steven Thomasson.

"It was amazing, you should have been there" said Carla Stevens "I mean I was there, absolutely 100%. It was amazing. I'm the blurry shape in the back corner who looks like they are under a parka on the video stream."

The Nutmeg News has been informed that the autonomous collective "Timbers Army Anarchist Front" have announced they have created an order of 1000 scarves with one side saying "I was there" and the other side saying "and you weren't". 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this situation as it continues.

After Evening Of Soccer, Man Just Doesn't Want To Talk About It

Seattle, WA - After an evening of soccer, Jason Isrington arrived home, didn't speak to his roommates, grabbed a beer and went to bed.

"I don't know what happened to him" said roommate Tom Breton "We knew he was going off to the Sounders game, but usually he is really energetic when he comes back. This time he didn't even eat any of the Totino's pizza that we left out on the counter."

Mr Isrington released the following comment, "I just don't want to talk about it" which he stuck to until he left for work in the morning.  

"Well, I didn't want to talk about it but the first thing my coworkers said when I walked through the door was, 'did you see the Sounders game last night', then I realized I wasn't going to make it out of today without talking about it. So I just pretended to have to go to the bathroom and sat in the stall playing video games until they likely left my cubicle area. Every word was a stab in the heart to the stupidity of last night, and it almost makes it worse that soccer is more popular now. A few years ago no one would have asked me about anything, but now I have people who want to relive the loss and red cards over and over and over again."

Isrington said he plans to take out his frustrations by relentlessly acting like a jackass on reddit and posting hateful comments towards the referee on any comment system that allows him to be anonymous. 

Bruce Arena Debates Showing Up For US Open Cup Game Or Eating At Roscoe's House of Chicken & Waffles On Pico

LOS ANGELES - Bruce Arena, head coach of the Los Angeles Galaxy, is currently having a personal dilemma whether to show up to the Los Angeles Galaxy game against PSA Elite or whether to have a nice dinner at Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. 

"Tell the interns to get a new photo this time. Please. Just asking for a simple favor to get a new photo that is actually Bruce Arena, is that too much to ask?"

"Tell the interns to get a new photo this time. Please. Just asking for a simple favor to get a new photo that is actually Bruce Arena, is that too much to ask?"

"It's a really big debate for me, because I don't care about the US Open Cup in any way and I'll likely be hungry, but some of the fans think I should probably be there" said Arena. "I mean, when you think about that savory, delicious  chicken with a smattering of golden waffles against standing on the field and giving exasperated looks for 90 minutes, which one would you rather do?"

Arena has a long tradition of giving zero shits about showing up for US Open Cup Games in the past, so this would continue a long standing tradition for the head coach.

"Look, I can drive through traffic to Carson for the game, or I can drive to Pico, grab some dinner and go out on the beach to watch the sun set and write some poetry. Ultimately, the US Open Cup is a meaningless device to create artificial competition for those who have nothing else to live for, so I'd rather have the chicken and waffles, catch a nice sunset and think about the ultimate futility of man."

Chicago Fire Fans Running Out Of Euphemisms For Crap Team

CHICAGO - Chicago Fire fans have taken such a beating in recent years due to the construct of their team that they have admitted they are running out of enthusiastically terrible ways to describe the Fire.

"We started with 'they played terrible', which was followed with 'what a shit show' and then 'what a dumpster fire' before we just progressed to emoji's that contain all of our pain and sadness" said blogger Kerry Weitz. "It's just been a slow, downward, unending progression of wins to draws to losses. It is really showing the inevitable destruction of life, but I'm not entirely sure that is what sports is all about."

Sports fans in the greater Chicago area that actually care about soccer enough to find and follow a team that is struggling have had to embrace the idea that the Fire are just doing enough to hang out in 9th out of 10th place in the eastern conference.

"It feels like we are a small market team, but I'm not even sure how that is possible. This is Chicago and we are run like a restaurant that needs to make enough money to decide between paying their meat vendor or paying their restaurant staff on the night. I mean I guess it could be worse, we could have fewer points than NYCFC."

Fire writer Damien Jacobson had the following to say, "This team has just drifted further and further away from the high flying days of making the playoffs in 2013. It doesn't even feel possible right now to see where that team went and where this team is going. I suppose that at least we don't have relegation, but honestly that would probably solve our ownership and investment problems by forcing them to own up to the fact that they don't know what they are doing. I've just gone to the thesaurus to describe their play recently and I'm now using a plethora of words like ghastly, awful, grim, atrocious, and scandalous. I've also been playing around with using conjoined non-words like 'shittastic', which describes so much of our last two seasons."

While unapologetic optimist Jamie Bravo had the following to say, "I'm just waiting for Mike Magee to come back. We are three points out of a playoff spot, these other fans are just terrible fans. We have to remember to always support everything put in front of us. It'll work out, like it always does."

Kaka, 2007 FIFA World Player Of The Year And UEFA Champions League Winner, Being Good Shocks Area Man

Orlando, FL - Soccer fan Billy Westwood is still surprised that Serie A champion, UEFA Champions League Winner, La Liga Champion, 2002 FIFA World Cup Champion, and 2007 World Player Of The Year, Kaka, is good in Major League Soccer.

"Well, you never know from these foreign fellers." said Westwood "They aren't all they are hyped up to be. I mean, has this guy ever played in Colorado at altitude during the freezing rain? I don't think so."

Westwood was convinced that Kaka was going to be a bust based on his own inability to remember which team Kaka was playing with before he came to Major League Soccer. "I don't get the Italian league, and it isn't good. Or at least that's what everyone was telling me. I mean, if he was playing in the premier league for Manchester City I'd have a better handle on whether the guy is good or not."

Despite all of Westwood's anecdotal evidence of Kaka's decline, he has been pleasantly surprised that a player of his caliber is actually good.

"Well, let it never be said that I won't admit when I'm wrong, but you can't trust these foreign guys. They are just in it for the paycheck."

 

Sepp Wars 2: The Blatter Strikes Back

Zurich, CH - Insider sources have confirmed to The Nutmeg News that Sepp Blatter is putting together a campaign to run for FIFA president again after his absence has confirmed to the world that it loves him and needs him.

"He really understands now the weight of responsibility and knows that he can be better at concealing bribes. No one can fill his void as it gapes and yearns for his return." said our source, Jack Warner. 

Sepp Blatter's campaign for FIFA president will be based around the idea "Let The Good Times Roll" a phrase that he took to heart while attending Mardi Gras in New Orleans, Louisana in the United States. Blatter took this month long sabbatical to think about all the bribes that he would miss in the future and all the money that would now be appropriately distributed around the world. Reportedly, Blatter got the idea for this new campaign slogan while getting a tequila slammer served to him by a nude, greased up coed in the French Quarter. While mumbling, "more tequila", turning up Van Morrisons Brown Eyed Girl, and then paying a 20 year old to twerk to the UEFA Champions League Theme he realized that he still had work to do with FIFA.

"I like money." said Blatter to a group of friends. "I like it a lot, especially oil money. I'd like to have more money. My absence has proved one thing. FIFA needs me. The world needs me. Qatar needs me. There is so much need, so little Blatter. "

Insiders say that Blatters viewpoint of "More money for everyone, less oversight and morals" appeals to many countries where the GDP is kept artificially high by FIFA kickbacks. "We love Senegal and Senegal loves FIFA" said one source.

TNN spoke on the condition of anonymity to one FIFA delegate who had the following to say, "Would you rather elect the guy who wants to continue funneling money into shell accounts and old timey briefcases, or the guy who wants to stop everyone from having fun? Let the good times roll, Sepp!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on Blatter's triumphant return as it happens.

 

 

Woman Who Took Entire Season Off From Playing Soccer Mystified At Lack Of Scoring, Blames Turf

VANCOUVER - Despite having hardly any minutes of game time preparation for the Women's World Cup this season, United States forward Abby Wambach registered her complaints about the turf that the women are playing upon while simultaneously blaming it for the lack of goals on her teams side. 

"I think I score if we're on grass," 

said Wambach in comments after a practice.

When asked if perhaps her decision to come into the World Cup with no real on-field in-game preparation this season has more to do with her lack of scoring ability in the first two games, Wambach had the following to say.

"Nope, It's totally the turf. I don't need practice, I just need grass."

The most startling part of Wambach's comments came following these quotes where she said,

"In the previous game, I don't lay out and commit to those headers and that's why they glance off my head rather than me contacting them. For me, I definitely think that the U.S. has more goals if we're playing on grass."

Which, of course, flies in the face of Wambach's earlier comments of, 

“Because people are a little bit scared,” -- about her teammates

“They’re like: ‘I’m going to pump that ball up to Wambach, see what happens. I don’t want to play this little 5-yard ball, because if I pass it and it gets picked off and we get scored on, then it’s my fault.’ The nerves and stress make people play a little more direct, make them play a little ‘Let’s just pump the ball in there; this is a safer play.’ And I just make stuff happen.” -- about her teammates fear making them rely on her.

When asked about her comments and her perceived teammates fear in relation to Wambach's rust and inability to go 90 minutes combined with her current lack of match sharpness, she had the following to say, 

"It's The Turf."

Major League Soccer Confirms That The Only Entity That Can Tamper With Clubs Is Itself

Orlando, FL - Major League Soccer, today, confirmed that the only entity that can tamper with the franchised clubs and the players they quasi-employee in North America is itself, as it handed down sanctions against Orlando City for publicly commenting on acquiring Dom Dwyer from Sporting Kansas City. 

"We have to make sure that a coach and ownership system know that if they want a player, that the only way that they can ensure this happens is to go to the ownership group in private and arrange for some kind of inventive personnel rule that allows for an exchange of non-tangible private assets and considerations for that player that no one will ever know about." said Don Garber.

"Our job is to tamper with players and franchises to ensure the distribution of assets to franchises that lobby hard enough behind the scenes as we have done repeatedly with new transfers into the league. Their job (the front office)  is to accept the players that we allow them to have via the current understood and undisclosed machinations."

Orlando City released the following statement saying, "We understand that we are in closed system and we fully accept that our actions were incorrect. We temporarily forgot the rule that we cannot actually go publicly after players from other teams in the league despite the fact that we may want them. We salute Sporting Kansas City and hope that they keep all their players while winning MLS Cup during a high television rating broadcast as this would help the bottom line of all of our ownership groups since we are really just extended nodes of the same mothership."

 

Erotic Love Of Team Means Man REALLY Loves Sporting Kansas City

Kansas City, MO - Missouri native David Klinger recently realized that his fandom with the Sporting Kansas City soccer team has gone from sports interest to full blown love, recently.

"It just hit me, I don't just want the team to win... I want them to move into my house so we can wake up together and have coffee on the weekends while we shop for gardening supplies at Home Depot" said the 36 year old Klinger. "I just can't get enough of them. I want to take them for Bar-B-Q and an evening concert downtown. I want to go have brunch and talk about our day. The way they look, the way they win, the way that the park smells at the end of a game..... It is simply entrancing."

Klinger's ex-girlfriend, Victoria Westbrook, said that his fixation with the team went from normal to extreme nearly overnight. "He just started talking about how dreamy Sporting Kansas City was and that their collective eyes were the color of passion ignited in the flame of true beauty. It was really odd. He said that this isn't even him exploring his sexuality. He isn't interested in a relationship with a man, but rather in a relationship with the whole team. The whole thing is just weird."

Klinger has stated that he just wants the team to know that he is their number one true love and supporter through thick and thin. He has even talked about changing his last name to David Sporting Kansas City when he and the team get married.

"At some point, I just want the team to know that I'm their lover. I love them. Is it so damn hard for a man to have physical urges for a team?"

Sporting Kansas City commented to say that they are looking into a possible restraining order if Klinger continues to mail kinko's copies of to-do lists for his home and pictures of his genitals painted Sporting blue to the front office.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this story as it continues.

 

FIFA To Women's World Cup: "Goodbye Kits, Hello Tits"

VANCOUVER - FIFA announced today that it would be suspending the sporting competition portion of the Women's World Cup to focus on the newly created "FIFA Women's World Cup Bathing Suit Competition And Scholarship Program". 

Secretary General of FIFA, Jérôme Valcke, said that the international organization got the idea from a recent Men's Health article that highlight the looks of the players at the tournament. "We thought to ourselves, 'why are we letting women play sport when they should just be paraded around in front of us in bikinis while we sit around drinking scotch and smoking cigars.' It is clearly obvious that women are here just to be attractive and that this is the most important thing that a woman can be. I mean sports are silly when we could see Alex Morgan parade around half naked and answer questions about her favorite flower. So I would like to say goodbye kits and HELLO TITS! "

While the response from the players has been understandably angry, Valcke is not concerned about that. "We all know that their opinions don't matter. I mean the reason why we started this tournament in the first place was as an additional method of soliciting bribes. When it took off we knew that we could really grab some media rights and money from places like the United States. However, it is just as easy for us to rig a beauty pageant as it is to accept bribes for a Women's World Cup. This just seems like a natural progression."

The nature of the new competition may seem seedy, however Valcke said it should be considered the opposite. "For the winner we are offering a 65% off gift certificate scholarship to AVEDA esthetician and cosmetology school. There they can learn all the new method's of skincare. What we are offering is a way out of sports so that these women can just be beautiful for us all the time."

 

Persistent Bummer Notes That Recent US Play Hasn't Come In A Tournament

Brooklyn, NY - Persistent bummer and resident crank, Archibald Harrison, loudly exclaimed that while the United States has played well against the Netherlands and Germany, that it doesn't matter since these are all friendlies.

"I just had to let them know. Stop being excited. Stop being interested. This is a team playing arranged friendlies that don't matter. Let me know when they win the cup." said Harrison to his youtube account. "These games have all the importance of a well flushed turd. Nice to take but utterly meaningless."

Harrison's friends have long become accustomed to his "angry old man" shtick saying "Well, yeah.... Archie will Archie." Which is commonly known as the acceptance that you have a bit of a douchebag as a friend.

"He's probably right, but that isn't going to stop us from donning US flag capes, wearing American flag board shorts and yelling at immigrants" said Ronald Blacykowski.

Archibald finished his youtube diatribe by saying "When we have a consistent player base with consistent wins in the world cup, then we can all start celebrating so put down your beer and start ripping apart this team, otherwise you are just perpetuating mediocrity."

His friend Joseph Brandice had the following to say, "Yep. Archie will Archie"

 

Man Guarantees Five Minutes Of Pure Fury For His Rec League Team

Boulder, CO - William Smith, a former high school soccer stand out for Aurora Central, has guaranteed his co-ed rec league soccer team five minutes of pure fury when he plays for them in a substitute roll this season.

While Smith has put on weight recently due to his sedentary job and lack of regular exercise, he has also managed to keep enough of his former quickness to make a complete pest of himself at max speed for about five minutes during the times when he is substituted onto the field.

"I plan on getting out there about 30 minutes into the game, running like absolute mad, getting myself into a good position with the ball at my feet, taking a shot, shanking a ball out for a goal kick, and then running around for 3 more minutes before calling for a substitute and going over to sit in the shade" said Smith. "I still know how to play the game, and I still can move really fast for a guy that is 40lbs overweight. So I plan on making sure that my time on the field is a furious and flabby tornado of maniacal intensity."

Smith's teammates say they appreciate his approach to the game, but wonder what he would be like if he paid more attention to his fitness in between the seasons. 

"He could probably be really great if he just ran a bit more", said Susan Ochs - Midfielder.

"I mean, he is surprisingly fast, but he just runs out of gas. We typically get two or three really good bursts from him before he goes to sit on the sideline", said Garrett Robinson - Defender.

Smith said that he plans on looking into some offseason training next year but he is going to have to balance that against attending the Great American Beer Festival.

 

 

Columbus Crew Announce Kit Change From Yellow To Bland

Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew owner Anthony Precourt today announced a change from the distinctive Gold/Yellow kit of the Columbus Crew to one that has been described as "an amalgamation of bullshit that robs the team of any kind of distinctive look within a league filled with bland, overripe color inspirations for uniforms."

The new color choice is called "bland", and was released to the public in 2001 from the Rand Corporation as part of their Panenka Pantone campaign to increase their market share in the color creation sector.  Bland has slowly become the color of choice for many Major League Soccer teams and the popularity of the color has become overwhelming within the league.

"We are a monochromatic league of choice" said commissioner Don Garber "Our kit colors reflect the futile nature of life and the desperate struggle towards mediocrity that infects all of us from the moment that we are born. Bland is the new hotness. Bland is the new way. Bland is that which is perfect in all moments and disappointing at all times."

Anthony Precourt had the following to say, "We realized that there weren't enough teams using black in the league within their 1st 2nd and 3rd kit options. I mean sure DC United does, and Philadelphia, and Seattle, and Toronto all have over the years. However, that just means we are joining an elite group of teams that have to be identified by their sponsorship on the front of their kits when you tune in for a game. More dollars in the Barbasol kitty. Also, lets be honest, a yellow kit is like a flash car. If the cops see you in an expensive and exotic yellow car they will pull you over more, so we are betting that a black kit will result in fewer fouls throughout the year."

Crew fans have started to voice their displeasure and approval online calling it both "a travesty" and "a situation where everyone is going to complain before they see anything."

One thing can be said, it won't be easy to tell if Columbus Crew are playing anymore.

 

New Poll Shows Cheese Eaters Prefer NASL

A new poll shown released by Deloitte-Touche International revealed that a majority of cheese eating North American soccer fans enjoy the North American Soccer League (NASL), followed by the CONCACAF Champions League, and then the Barclay's Premier League. Shockingly the data also showed that a massive amount of cheese eating North American soccer fans do not prefer Creedence Clearwater Revival, a change from years before.

NASL Commissioner Bill Peterson indicated that this may change the way he markets to his fans by increasing the amount of money they spend on Big Cheese advertising. "We will put our money where the moo's are." said Peterson to the International Dairy Press on Tuesday.

Major League Soccer Comissioner Don Garber indicated that they would not be pursuing Big  Cheese, but instead would be going into a multi level sponsorship with the Chicken Lobby of the United States.

The Nutmeg News will have more from the Cheese Wars of North America as it continues.

Player Fanatically Tweets For Chipotle Card To Feed Self

NEW YORK - An unnamed player confirmed to The Nutmeg News (TNN), on Tuesday, that he has been fanatically tweeting support for Chipotle because, "I have no other way to feed myself".

While TNN has been requested to keep this players identity a secret, he currently plays in one of the most expensive cities in the United States. TNN spoke to him off the record about his experience. 

"Well, I get paid the minimum in Major League Soccer and I live in a city where even the stipend the club gives me makes it very difficult to find appropriate housing. I mean some of our players are able to stroll about the city without any worries, but me? I'm finding cheap pizza slices when I'm not raiding the food tables at practice."

While this player indicated he is able to make do, sometimes, with the food he scrounges from the training facility he said his biggest effort is to try to get a sponsorship with Chipotle.

"Man, Chipotle has some kind of crazy boner for MLS players. I mean, I've been only in the burrito game for a bit, but I'm working my way towards that free burrito card. It's been difficult, but when I don't have to worry about getting food outside of the training facility anymore it will be worth it."

Chipotle was unavailable for comment.

Major League Soccer To Consider Adding Dungeons and Dragon Player Acquisition Rules

NEW YORK - After briefly considering adding a new fourth designated player rule, Major League Soccer announced today that they were considering adding Dungeons and Dragons rules for player acquisitions in the league.

"We felt like a dice throw would be an interesting adjustment for our league" said executive vice-president Dan Courtemanche. "We will require all owners and general managers to create a character attribute list for themselves including what they carry to a player acquisition meeting. For example, Bruce Arena has been given the Blessed Sword of Impudence that he found in the Brooding Cavern of Great Success during the 17th age of the West."

Major League Soccer has long played loose and fast with the rules, but they see the Dungeons and Dragons option as a way to codify the rules while also adding an entertaining value.

"I just want to see Nick Sakiewicz using his roll for initiative at the beginning of the meeting, end up low on the order and then resort to casting the spell of entrapment to acquire another goalkeeper" said Courtemanche. "Can you imagine Adrian Hanauer pulling out the dagger of indignity from a level 3 troll and using his spell of confusion to attempt to combat the inequities of the transfer system? This is going to be great."

Mark Abbot, president and deputy commissioner, said that he has a few surprises up his sleeve as the dungeon master of Major League Soccer, "I plan on making sure that I set the landscape up as a challenging adventure, while simultaneously making it interesting for our live stream audience. We are planning on streaming this to youtube so that you can see Garth Lagerwey dressed up as a dark elf while yelling out things like 'ROLL FOR ALLOCATION MONEY'. Imagine the fun we will have with Clark Hunt trying to get a religious exemption for his high paladin while simultaneously trying to cross the Chasm of International Player Rights."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this new form of confusion as it happens.

OPINION: "You Gonna Root For Another Team Other Than Team FREEDOM You Pinko Commie?"

The Nutmeg News prints opinion pieces from local contributors, at select times. Today's opinion piece comes from Dave Todai of Memphis, Tennessee. The viewpoints and opinions of Mr. Todai do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints and opinions of The Nutmeg News.

 

To The Nutmeg's:

LET ME JUST START WITH THE FOLLOWING:

This is the greatest country in the world. This is the UNITED States of America, not the YOUnited States Of America. OK? So what's this nonsense I'm hearing about my god fearing and god loving citizens rooting for another country during the upcoming Women's World Cup.

You live in America, dumbass. Literally, figuratively and positively the greatest nation that has ever existed in the entire history of the world. We invented fire, the wheel and the double down sandwich. We have Alex Morgan and Abby Wambach. Who are you to decide you don't like them and you want to root for someone else. I'll tell you who you are. A Pinko Commie Loving Socialst Communist hell bent on instituting islamic rule by cooperating with known associates of Estes Kefauver. I bet you like American Football as well, that's a socialst league. American's love Baseball, Hotdogs, missionary position sexual congress and Abby Wambach heading in goals with the ferocity of a Bengal tiger. 

You can take your Canadian sympathies or your Spanish urges and tamp them on down with your four shot machiatto latte mocha's that aren't even fair trade. I'll keep drinking my Pabst Blue Ribbon and holding it down for the average american while watching Sydney Leroux. A woman Canadian so courageous that she left her own country cause it was totally shit for the game of soccer. Now THAT'S American.

You don't like Hope Solo? Well tough. Solo exemplifies everything great about America. She is the Tonya Harding of American Soccer except she hasn't won as much stuff. That woman will get her world cup medal while smoking a pack of kools and being arrested for punching a 15 year old kid because he spoke out on the save she should have made that "Briana Scurry could have made with her eyes shut"

Hell no people. You root for team freedom or you can leave MYmurica. You may hate nearly every person in the starting 11 for the UNITED States of America but you are still duty bound to suffer through the abrasive personalities and cultist following that these women engender.

Now THAT is my America.

Dave Todai

Memphis, Tennessee

 

 

"I'VE GOT OPINIONS" Shouts Blogger Into The Void

York, PA - Union blogger Kip Anderson wants everyone to know that he has opinions. Unfortunately, for him, no one cares.

"I've tried, believe me. I've started 4 blogs, two podcasts, I've guest written Union articles for a publication that turned out to be a front for sending out Nigerian scam emails. No one cares."

TNN Spoke with Union analysts about Kip and they had the following to say, "Who?"

Meanwhile, Kip continues producing his podcast from his home after he finishes his day job as a jr accounts analyst in charge of sales related human resources disputes and continues to distribute his podcast into the vapid ether known as the internet where people give zero shits about what he has to say.

"Someday I'll be a big deal" said Anderson. "Someday, I'll get  50 followers on twitter and I'll have more than 3 listeners! I just gotta stay with it and keep on annoying people until they realize that I've got something to say. What I say might be dramatically wrong, it might be completely false information, but if I say it with the zeal and passion of a Pentecostal preacher, eventually enough people will fall for it and then they will start to believe me."