FIFA To Women's World Cup: "Goodbye Kits, Hello Tits"

VANCOUVER - FIFA announced today that it would be suspending the sporting competition portion of the Women's World Cup to focus on the newly created "FIFA Women's World Cup Bathing Suit Competition And Scholarship Program". 

Secretary General of FIFA, Jérôme Valcke, said that the international organization got the idea from a recent Men's Health article that highlight the looks of the players at the tournament. "We thought to ourselves, 'why are we letting women play sport when they should just be paraded around in front of us in bikinis while we sit around drinking scotch and smoking cigars.' It is clearly obvious that women are here just to be attractive and that this is the most important thing that a woman can be. I mean sports are silly when we could see Alex Morgan parade around half naked and answer questions about her favorite flower. So I would like to say goodbye kits and HELLO TITS! "

While the response from the players has been understandably angry, Valcke is not concerned about that. "We all know that their opinions don't matter. I mean the reason why we started this tournament in the first place was as an additional method of soliciting bribes. When it took off we knew that we could really grab some media rights and money from places like the United States. However, it is just as easy for us to rig a beauty pageant as it is to accept bribes for a Women's World Cup. This just seems like a natural progression."

The nature of the new competition may seem seedy, however Valcke said it should be considered the opposite. "For the winner we are offering a 65% off gift certificate scholarship to AVEDA esthetician and cosmetology school. There they can learn all the new method's of skincare. What we are offering is a way out of sports so that these women can just be beautiful for us all the time."