Columbus, OH - Columbus Crew owner Anthony Precourt today announced a change from the distinctive Gold/Yellow kit of the Columbus Crew to one that has been described as "an amalgamation of bullshit that robs the team of any kind of distinctive look within a league filled with bland, overripe color inspirations for uniforms."
The new color choice is called "bland", and was released to the public in 2001 from the Rand Corporation as part of their Panenka Pantone campaign to increase their market share in the color creation sector. Bland has slowly become the color of choice for many Major League Soccer teams and the popularity of the color has become overwhelming within the league.
"We are a monochromatic league of choice" said commissioner Don Garber "Our kit colors reflect the futile nature of life and the desperate struggle towards mediocrity that infects all of us from the moment that we are born. Bland is the new hotness. Bland is the new way. Bland is that which is perfect in all moments and disappointing at all times."
Anthony Precourt had the following to say, "We realized that there weren't enough teams using black in the league within their 1st 2nd and 3rd kit options. I mean sure DC United does, and Philadelphia, and Seattle, and Toronto all have over the years. However, that just means we are joining an elite group of teams that have to be identified by their sponsorship on the front of their kits when you tune in for a game. More dollars in the Barbasol kitty. Also, lets be honest, a yellow kit is like a flash car. If the cops see you in an expensive and exotic yellow car they will pull you over more, so we are betting that a black kit will result in fewer fouls throughout the year."
Crew fans have started to voice their displeasure and approval online calling it both "a travesty" and "a situation where everyone is going to complain before they see anything."
One thing can be said, it won't be easy to tell if Columbus Crew are playing anymore.