Major League Soccer Confirms That The Only Entity That Can Tamper With Clubs Is Itself

Orlando, FL - Major League Soccer, today, confirmed that the only entity that can tamper with the franchised clubs and the players they quasi-employee in North America is itself, as it handed down sanctions against Orlando City for publicly commenting on acquiring Dom Dwyer from Sporting Kansas City. 

"We have to make sure that a coach and ownership system know that if they want a player, that the only way that they can ensure this happens is to go to the ownership group in private and arrange for some kind of inventive personnel rule that allows for an exchange of non-tangible private assets and considerations for that player that no one will ever know about." said Don Garber.

"Our job is to tamper with players and franchises to ensure the distribution of assets to franchises that lobby hard enough behind the scenes as we have done repeatedly with new transfers into the league. Their job (the front office)  is to accept the players that we allow them to have via the current understood and undisclosed machinations."

Orlando City released the following statement saying, "We understand that we are in closed system and we fully accept that our actions were incorrect. We temporarily forgot the rule that we cannot actually go publicly after players from other teams in the league despite the fact that we may want them. We salute Sporting Kansas City and hope that they keep all their players while winning MLS Cup during a high television rating broadcast as this would help the bottom line of all of our ownership groups since we are really just extended nodes of the same mothership."