Rivalry Week Battle Announced Between Minnesota United Supporters And Minnesota United Supporters

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer and Heineken announced an addition to their branded rivalry week as the league issued a statement stating that Minnesota United supporters would face off against Minnesota United supporters in a battle for the soul of the team.

THAT GUY ON THE LEFT IS A JERK!

“No one hates on Minnesota United fans like Minnesota United fans,” stated MLS director of rivalries and light beer enthusiast Jacob Szynalski. “When it comes to an absolute battle for their seeming dislike of each other they know every sordid detail and every hated fact more than anyone else in the area. We expect an intense battle between the two groups who are supposedly fans of the same team.”

With enmity reaching a fever pitch over the tenure of Adrian Heath, what songs you should sing, where you stand, what shirt you wear, whether you should support via optimism, cynicism or realism, and whether you were around before MLS, the supporters girded their loins for battle.

“ANYONE WHO IS NOT POSITIVE ABOUT MINNESOTA UNITED AT ALL TIMES IS NOT A TRUE FAN,” stated Minnesota United fan Harry Elmsworth.

“ANYONE WHO IS POSITIVE ABOUT MINNESOTA UNITED AT ALL TIMES IS NOT A TRUE FAN,” stated Minnesota United fan Paula Evans.

“WHAT ABOUT THE CENTRISTS WHO THINK THAT MINNESOTA UNITED IS NEITHER POSITIVE NOR NEGATIVE,” stated avowed Libertarian Reginald DuBois.

With no clear definition of exactly what makes a true Minnesota United fan, perpetual online gang fights erupted with bombastic passive-aggressive sub-tweeting being utilized against outright aggressive sub-tweeting and snipers sitting on the outside using frank but vague statements in Facebook posts.

“I plan on indicating why I am upset without talking to anyone in person about why I am upset and I’ll be damned if I don’t read into every single post some kind of malicious intent about my standing as a fan,” stated Minnesota United fan Hank Stone.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as no fans remain fans of the team after the pitch battle finishes.

White Collar Employee With Google Translate And Too Much Time On His Hands Ready To Become Transfer Rumor Expert For Inter Miami

Miami, FL - Cloud Engineer and new Inter Miami fan David @MiamiTransferMachine Hughes stated that he is ready and willing to become the the transfer rumor expert for Inter Miami with his ready access to Google translate and way too much time on his hands.

“My job requires me to be on the internet all the time and the combination of that availability and internet expertise with having a job where my work is sometimes feast or famine means that I have plenty of time to comb over transfer rumors from South America, set up internet alerts and scan online newspapers from all over the world for any news on Inter Miami,” stated Hughes to The Nutmeg News.

Friends indicate that they didn’t think Hughes would be the person who got into soccer, but he stated that the ability to be perceived as an expert at something really helped convince him to get off the fence.

“I’ve never really been a sports fan but I’m definitely a fan of being considered an expert at something,” stated Hughes. “I don’t feel like I need to know anything about soccer to be good at this. I just need to know how to find rumors online and place them within the construct of an insider perspective of building a team. My whole job consists of finding things online with google and configuring online infrastructure. Being an expert in online rumors is practically an extension of my day to day routine.”

Our reporter spoke to soccer fan and sous chef Harry Williams who stated, “I don’t have enough time on my hands to chase all this shit down because I’m on my feet working. It’s great that @MiamiTransferMachine started up because I can log on later to see what they have. They must be connected somehow to the front office.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hughes decides to create his own rumors after being unable to find anything for a few days.


E-MLS Ultras Receive Sanction For Celebratory Vape Smoke After Late Win By Fiddle

Philadelphia, PA - E-MLS ultras group Wincinatti was reportedly sanctioned by E-MLS League Officials for letting off celebratory vape smoke after a dramatic win by fiddle over exraa at the E-MLS League Series One competition.

“We are out here for our boys and only for our boys,” stated Wincinnati capo Duke “Ledger” Williams. “NO PYRO, NO PARTY! You can’t keep the Queen City down! All rage quitters are bastards!”

League representatives state that the celebration smoke was clearly prohibited in the travelling supporters section as they attempt to root out how the supporters group smuggled in devices.

“We will not let this stand,” stated E-MLS security. “We’ve taken pictures of this and we will disseminating them on social media in an effort to identify the parties and to possibly get some more eyeballs on the League Series One In Philadelphia.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Hudson River Derby game between Adamou and Didychrislito is interrupted after after both players start a download on a new Fortnite patch.

Forward Madison Staff Abandons Management Of USL1 Side To Focus On Football Manager Save

Madison, WI - Sources within Forward Madison indicate that the staff of the USL League One side has abandoned management of their USL1 Side to fully focus on their Football Manager save.

“We thought this partnership and contest with Football Manager was going to be fun for our fans but it turns out that everyone in the office is helping us play on this one save, now,” stated one anonymous insider. “We are currently in the offseason, but our scouting team is scouring the current Football Manager instance for any new e-players that we can sign.”

Current Forward Madison players were reportedly tasked with playing out in-game scenarios in a recent scrimmage as the blue and pink team played against each other in a consequence free wargame to illustrate different Football Manager tactics.

“We needed to figure out how to line up in the upcoming e-season we are starting this e-Saturday,” stated head coach Daryl Shore. “It’s important for our physical side to really show the limitations of the new e-formation we want to use in the upcoming e-season. Using our physical players to help with our current save is a way we can really avoid having to create a new career save if we rage quit.”

With all the resources now focused on Football Manager, Forward Madison are working on selling e-season tickets to their e-fans for a private Twitch stream of the staff playing Football Manager in their office.

“I can’t wait,” stated current season ticket holder Carla Jones. “I made some e-T.I.F.O that I’m going to e-raise for some e-players.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as some of the staff look up and realize it’s actually 4:00 in the morning and they are on year 42 of their season save and they ate Red Vines for dinner.

FC Cincinnati Trades Draft Pick For 2020 USL Schedule During SuperDraft

Cincinnati, OH - Executives with FC Cincinnati traded a draft pick in the Major League Soccer SuperDraft for a USL Schedule as they attempted to tilt the 2020 season in their favor.

“Our fans loved the USL. We loved the USL and we are excited to acquire that schedule back for the 2020 season,” stated FCC President Jeff Berding. “We can’t wait to show what we can do in the USL with the roster we have assembled.”

Fans state that they were shocked but excited to hear as they hoped that this move would make them competitive in the 2020 season.

“I’m a big fan of this acquisition. I think that trading a pick in the draft for the 2020 USL Schedule is going to increase our ability to compete. And after last season that’s really all that I am looking for,” stated FCC fan Heather Williams.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FCC fans worry about whether they can make the MLS playoffs in the USL this year.

Nashville SC Trades Jack Maher To Atlanta United For 10,000 Season Ticket Holders

Nashville, TN - Major League Soccer franchise Nashville SC have reportedly traded Jack Maher to Atlanta United in exchange for 10,000 season ticket holders for the 2020 season.

“pssst, jack… um… we have some news”

“We feel that this is a mutually beneficial deal for both teams,” stated manager Gary Smith. “We could use more season ticket holders and Atlanta United needs another player to ultimately trade to Real Monarchs in a year.”

Atlanta United sources indicate that they had to inform 10,000 of their season ticket holders that they would be required to relocate to Nashville this season, but they felt that the move allows them to solidify their massively depleted defense

“I just bought a house,” stated Altanta United fan Bill Samuels. “I can’t believe this. I really can’t believe this. This is the LAST time that I don’t read the fine print on my season tickets.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Nashville launches a lawsuit on 10 of the fans who refuse the mandatory relocation.

Marketing Executives With NWSL Teams Still Struggling With How to Sell Soccer, Beer, Community, And Fun

CHICAGO - Sources within the National Women’s Soccer League (NWSL) indicate that marketing executives with the teams in the league are still struggling with how to sell soccer, beer, community, and fun as they pitched a Family and Faith Night marketing blitz for 2020.

WHAT DO THEY WANT?!

According to sources that were in the recent marketing meeting, executives are pushing for a reliance on traditional mechanisms that attracted legions of fans to women’s sports over the years by focusing on appealing to youth groups, girls soccer camps and children which will, supposedly, lend to a long term business model like it did with the W-League, the WPSL, WUSA, the UWS, the WPS, and the WPSL Elite.

“I think that one way to get more women involved is to appeal to their common nature of appreciating limited edition pink colored scarves and places where their children can experience a game without foul language or drinking,” stated one league executive.

“Well, my own experience is that women don’t drink beer so I propose we replace all the beer options at stadiums with slightly chilled sparkling water,” stated one team representative.

According to sources in the room, one women who was present suggested advertising the league as the best women’s soccer league in the world with the best players in the world and focusing on bringing in and enabling fans who want to passionately support teams that represent the cities in which they live. However, that suggestion was shouted down as being too complicated.

The Nutmeg News will have more as the league announces a “Decorum And Dominos” night.

Portland Thorns Fan Really Regretting Wish She Made For More NWSL Off-Season Action

Portland, OR - Portland Thorns fan Hannah Willis stated that she was really regretting the wish she made for more NWSL off-season action as the team and journalists announced a number of trades of popular players.

Oh……………………………………………. yeah, no.

“Ok, when I said that this weekend I didn’t really mean it,” stated Willis to The Nutmeg News. “I was just getting bored with the lack of news from the league or any of the teams that are in it. At this point, I would like to go back to the time where I was bored.”

Friends state that Willis was ranting about how the off-season is too long and that none of the teams in the league were making moves as she attended a friends house for dinner on Saturday.

“I don’t know what she thought was going to happen, but I can guarantee it wasn’t this,” stated good friend Abby Brockhurst.

For her part, Willis stared at her phone for 10 minutes after the trade news hit before putting it down and opening up her work email as she attempts to forget about the loss of Emily Sonnett, Caitlin Foord and Midge Purce.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Willis composes 5 different Twitter drafts about the situation before deleting all of them and logging off the application and deleting it from her phone.

New Goalkeeper Claims He's, "Not Crazy Like Other Keepers," To Imaginary Talking Cat Named Ricardo He Uses to Power Up Shot Stopping Ability

Newark, NJ - Josh Stewart, the new goalkeeper of AFC Newark United, claimed that he is, “not crazy like other goalkeepers,” to the imaginary talking cat named Ricardo that he uses to power up his shot stopping abilities as he maintained a 90 minute discourse with the character for the entirety of the match last night.

“I think he is as nutty as a box of frogs,” stated team captain Ismael Hernandez. “But he keeps telling Ricardo that he isn’t and I’m not about to get into an argument with his imaginary friend.”

Sources on the team indicate that Stewart took immediate command of the game shouting directions at the back line in order to organize them while also maintaining a constant stream of dialog that appeared to be partially self motivation and partially an abject conversation about Star Wars with Ricardo.

“Look, he is 6 foot 4, 200 pounds of muscle, played in college, stops shots, communicates, and organizes the back line. I don’t care if his imaginary friend is a gecko named Albert Einstein, I just want him doing the work,” stated centerback Dieter Schwarz.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Stewart falls out with Ricardo over his opinion on Ter Stegen and AFC Newark United lose the game on a goalkeeping error.

MLS SuperDraft Downgraded To AdequateDraft

NEW YORK - Analysts with Major League Soccer announced, today, that the SuperDraft scheduled for January 9th, 2020 would be downgraded to an AdequateDraft after an assessment of the players within revealed some significant holes.

Join us on January 9 as we attempt to make jokes about the SuperDraft unless we get bored and decide not to do that.

“We aren’t confident that the talent left in this draft really reflects the idea and identity of a SuperDraft,” stated one anonymous analyst. “There’s a concern that there isn’t a single forward available in the AdequateDraft better than what’s already available in the USL right now.”

Sources say that there was a number of different monikers debated for the draft including sufficient, appropriate, tolerable, unexceptional, fair, passable and competent.

“There was a big amount of support for PassableDraft and CompetentDraft,” stated our source with the league. “Ultimately if you look at the number of attacking midfield prospects we couldn’t run with competent so instead we are just going with Adequate.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Draft Grade teeters on the brink of being labeled an IntolerableDraft in 2021.

Updated USL Code Of Conduct Mandates All New Fans Start A Podcast

Tampa, FL - Information released from the United Soccer League (USL) headquarters in Tampa indicate that the league has updated their 2020 Code Of Conduct to mandate that all new fans of USL teams start a podcast.

“We want to keep the USL Championship momentum going in 2020,” stated one anonymous source. “Forcing fans to start a podcast is not really even necessary given the number of USL and lower league podcasts that are out there, but we felt it was important to put this in writing.”

With over 250,000 podcasts already pontificating on lower league soccer in the United States, promotion/relegation, and the fortunes of teams in USL Championship, USL League 1, and USL League 2, many people think that there may be a podcast bubble building.

“Smart investors are going to short the USL podcast market,” stated one analyst for J.T. Morgen Beard Sterns Podcast Division. “We can see that the bubble is going to pop soon on the podcast market and there will be tens of thousands of homeless podcasts who will be wandering the web without content for months at a time.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as a new fan of Las Vegas spends his first hour of being a fan buying a microphone.


USMNT Fan Enlists In Army In Order To Scout World Cup 2022

Omaha, NE - Jeremy Eubanks of Omaha announced to friends and family today that he enlisted in the United States Army in order to scout the upcoming World Cup 2022 held in Qatar.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I believe our boys are going to get it done in World Cup Qualifying,” stated Eubanks as he attempted to calm the nerves of his mother and father. “It’s absolutely going to help out my American Outlaws friends in order to be able to scout where we can hold our 2022 prefunk over in Qatar.”

With potential deployment to a whole host of nations in his very near future, Eubanks indicated that he was excited to see some of the territory overseas as he announced that he had a case of World Cup Fever.

“Qatar has a a window seat view of Iran, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates and Iraq. There’s a pretty decent chance that I’ll be able to really scout out the best locations to eat, drink, party and cheer on the stars and stripes from wherever I end up getting posted. Given the current political climate, I’ll be almost guaranteed to have several deployments to the area and I’m guessing that by the time 2022 comes around that I’ll be a complete local.”

Despite the current tension in the region, Eubanks illustrated his positive thought as he stated, “I can’t wait for the boys to crush the hexagonal just like we crushed the Gulf War back in 1990, and 1991, and the Iraq War in 2003, and 2004, and 2005, and 2006, and 2007, and 2008, and 2009, and 2010, and 2011, and 2014, and 2015, and 2016, and 2017, and 2018, and 2019, and 2020 and just like Afghanistan in 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 and just like Syria… well… you get the picture. WOO HEX! WOO CONCACAF!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Eubanks ensures that everyone pays dues to al-Udeid American Outlaws in order to get priority tickets.


Supporters Group Veterans Concerned That Newly Commissioned Capo Hasn't Seen Action

Portland, OR - Supporters Group veterans with the Timbers Army voiced concerns that newly commissioned capo First Lieutenant William “Bubba” Johnson hasn’t seen action.

“I didn’t see him face down in the muck when we invaded Starfire and took the hill.” — 1SG Paul Phillips

In a heated conversation at a local brewery, non commissioned officers Ronnie Libscomb, Ivan Hernandez and Paul Phillips discussed their concern at the new section leader.

“A scarf is something you wear. Respect is something you gotta earn,” stated Master Sergeant Libscomb of Charlie Company.

“A leader should be able to command the attention of the troops and inspire them with confidence for the mission at hand,” stated Master Sergeant Hernandez of Easy Company. “Where is Johnson going to be when the chips are down, the troops are dejected and they are looking to him for inspiration? You can’t simulate what it feels like when you can feel the shots on the field, the Howitzers are booming, the smoke is drifting across the battleground, and you see someone get hit with friendly fire from the field of combat. You don’t learn how to deal with that by studying tactical videos from Ultras-Tifo.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what we are gonna have,” stated First Sergeant Paul Phillips of the Fighting 106th. “Another shiny asshole with a shiny scarf looking at his shiny commendations he didn’t earn on his shiny uniform. I bet a hundred bucks he washes that scarf after every match,”

According to sources that observed Johnson, Libscomb, Hernandez and Phillips inspecting the troops online, Phillips stated, “My men, my equipment, your mission,” to Johnson as he informed the Lieutenant on the readiness of his new command.

For their part, the NCOs stated that they would fully honor their duty to set a standard for lower-ranked soldiers. However, the simmering discontent continued as they accused Johnson of being a fresh faced goof who probably, “doesn’t understand the struggle with troop movement and operations on a national level and probably can’t even grow a beard.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as 1st Lieutenant Johnson ensures that his hat and scarf are clean for the upcoming war-games.

Major League Soccer Plans Military Drone Appreciation Day

NEW YORK - According to insider sources, Major League Soccer (MLS) is planning a 2020 league wide Military Drone Appreciation Day as they expand the influence of the US military into the league beyond camouflage kits, swearing in ceremonies and in-stadium military displays.

“We are a patriotic, beer drinking, AMERICAN league,” stated one MLS insider, “and we plan on exhibiting that patriotism as he honor the silent workhorses of our military that allow us to rain death across the Middle East.”

League plans reportedly include a Salute To Our Drones patriotic display while supporters groups will be instructed to sing America The Beautiful as a General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper circles around the stadium pulling an American flag.

“This is an opportunity for all of us to show how much we support our UAVs in harms way,” stated Billy Harris from Atlanta. “I, for one, hope that they can show us how the targeting system works by using the drone to lock on to a random fan and pretend to destroy one of us for season tickets! That would be amazing.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the league announces this will apply to teams that play in that other country as well.

Area Man Slams Club América As Being Un-American

Boston, MA - Area man Charles “Chucky” O’Connor repeatedly slammed Club América for being, “un-American,” during a verbose Instagram Live post on Thursday.

Stating, “Yo, that shit isn’t from here,” O’Connor ranted on Instagram Live about the Mexico City based side for allegedly not being American after discovering the team existed via a Facebook post by a friend of his during the Club América v Monterrey Liga MX final.

“American teams are in AMERICA,” ranted O’Connor to his cellphone as he paced in front of the couch of his one bedroom studio in Mattapan. “You can’t call a team that plays in Mexico a name like Club America. AMERICA ISN’T MEXICO, BRO. MEXICO ISN’T, AMERICA, THE UNITED STATES ARE AMERICA. It’s in the name, ok? This is some stolen VALOR shit, man. Imma find these guys and crack some heads for the USA.”

According to researchers, Club America was founded in 1916 from two separate teams. The Mexico City side was named by player Pedro Quintanilla who suggested América as the team formed on anniversary of the dia del descubrimiento de América (day of the discovery of America).

For his part, O’Connor was resolute in his righteous anger as he slammed anyone who could let this travesty happen.

“This is why no one watches soccer, man. I’m going to go back and watch the Pats play to make me stop thinking about how angry this makes me.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as good friend Grady Williams tags O’Connor in a highlight video post on Facebook of all Club América goals from 2019.



Recent Picture Of Former Toronto FC Player Reminds Fan Of Own Mortality

Toronto, ON - A picture of former Toronto FC player Jim Brennan reminded TFC fan George Tremblay of his own mortality and the ticking hands of time as he realized that Brennan was signed for TFC over 13 years ago.

Susie Kockerscheidt/Metroland - www.yorkregion.com

“Holy hell…. I HAD HAIR IN THIS PICTURE” stated Tremblay to The Nutmeg News. “Has it really been that long? My god, I hadn’t even met Sarah yet! I was only 28 and living in that cheap bachelor apartment. It was about $730 a month. How times have changed. Jeeze, man I really need to get healthy. God, what is that lump? Shit. Ok, I’m not going to look at WebMD. Ok, maybe I’ll get it …. wait … is that a new mole?”

Tremblay reportedly spent part of his work day on Wednesday looking up memories from 2007 and 2008 as he wallowed in the nostalgia of a team that almost seems wholly separate from the recent success that Toronto Football Club obtained recently.

“Yeah, in some of these old shots you can see us in the stands,” stated Tremblay as he used Google advanced search to narrow down pictures and videos of times now so long ago. “I remember throwing my commemorative seat cushion out onto the field when Danny scored. It was like a rain of souvenirs that eventually we all wished to get back. Recently the only thing I threw was my back… out.

Tremblay indicated that it wasn’t just the players but the fans themselves that made him feel very old as he realized he could see pictures of people who no longer attend games.

“James and Lee didn’t survive as fans after 2012. Larry, there on the right, didn’t survive 2013. I still text him from time to time. He watches games from home when he can. Had a scare with cancer. Long story, but he’s on the mend now.”

With his ticking mortality on display, Tremblay indicated that he’s excited to explain to a new crop of TFC fans what it was like before 2015.

“The new fans have no idea…. NO IDEA what it was like. We wore paper bags on our head and we LIKED IT.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Tremblay schedules time to pretend to get healthy before heading out for some heavy drinking.

Top 10 Most Viewed Posts Of 2019

US Soccer Announces Player-Coach Option For Youth Teams

CHICAGO (and ONLY CHICAGO) - The United States Soccer Federation (USSF) today announced a new initiative of appointing player-coach options on their men’s and women’s youth teams after a number of vacancies were noticed from the U-23 level to the U-16 level.

“It’s time we admit that the players know more than we do,” stated Generalissimo Berhalter. “We are appointing a rotating player-coach that will gain the necessary skills to apply for an A Level license once they graduate the U-23s after 7 years in our program.”

US Soccer stated that they would be selecting the player-coach for each team via Rock-Paper-Scissors competition as they indicate that competitiveness and strategy must be essential for all coaching appointees.

“We don’t want a weak coach coming in here throwing paper when what we need is a coach who knows how to dominate with scissors,” stated Carlos Cordeiro. “We understand that our U-16 players requested the ability to throw dynamite and while we respect their initiative we need them to stay within the framework of the guidelines given to USSF coaches on page 32 of the A level exam which dictates that dynamite is not allowed within the laws of USSF Ro-Sham-Bo.”

For their part, US Soccer announced that the youth teams for the US Women would be appointing one player coach from one team to manage all eight levels of divisions from U-16 to U-23 as the USSF shot down the idea that they are dividing talent unequally.

“We can only supply the women with one head coach as the revenue doesn’t indicate that they should have more. If they want more than one 16 year old coaching the 23 year old team they should get in line and sue us with the rest of North America.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the appointed player/coach for the U-17 men’s team considers a one time nationality switch to literally anywhere.

American Liverpool Fan Spending Most Of His Time Telling Everyone He Was A Fan Before 2018

Denver, CO - Troy Williams, a Liverpool fan from Denver, stated that most of his conversations about Liverpool over the past week centered around him telling everyone that he was a fan way before 2018 as he tried to calm the suspicion that he is just a typical glory hunting American fan.

“Yes, they’ve been doing great, but I must tell you that I was a fan before 2018 and it hasn’t always been this easy,” stated Williams for the 32nd time this week to a stranger he met at a watch party for the recent Liverpool v Wolverhampton game. “Trust me when I tell you it hasn’t always been winning points and collecting trophies, oh no.”

Williams reportedly spent the entirety of his Christmas visit to his in-laws house telling his brother-in-law how difficult it was just 5 years ago as he nauseatingly recounted the 2014-15 season with intense details.

“And then we barely qualified for the Europa league that year, it wasn’t all blood and thunder and glory like it looks like now. Bear in mind that no true Liverpool fan will feel comfortable with this lead in the league until the day after the season ends and the defeat in London to Aston Villa in April in the FA cup was truly an awful cherry on top of a supremely difficult year way back then,” stated Williams as the eyes of his brother-in-law Robbie glazed over after innocently asking, “how’s that soccer thing going for ya?”

As Williams pointed out to our reporter he steadfastly remained a fan of Liverpool since randomly picking them as his team on FIFA 2012 as he pointed out, “we weren’t favorites THAT year, oh no. We weren’t running out Mo Salah and Sadio Mane, oh no. If you look at my old game saves you will see the difficulty we had with the squad depth that year after we only finished in 7th.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams asks for an editorial on our publication in order to really let everyone know that he was a fan before 2018 and that he isn’t another glory hunting fan.

Family Announces VAR Will Mediate Holiday Disputes

Seattle, WA - The Thompsons, of the Capitol Hill neighborhood in Seattle, announced today that all holiday disputes would now be judged by VAR as they finished the installation of high framerate video cameras throughout the external and internal areas of their house.

“We needed to announce the law change before the extended family arrives on Monday,” stated Katie Thompson to The Nutmeg News. “And we are excited to take the human judgement out of the equation as it relates to important plays and family conflict.”

Sources within the family indicate that The Thompsons ran a test program of VAR over the Thanksgiving holiday as they attempted to work out any issues involved with rolling out the system for the upcoming season.

“It was important for us to have a period where we used the technology out of season to verify that it would work,” stated family Commissioner Linda “Grandmother” O'Hara. “VAR was officially used for the first time to instruct a referee on whether Aunt Phyllis actually brought a dish to share or not. The casserole dish she claimed was not given and credit was removed.”

The Thompsons indicate that they’ve instructed the original family referees to consult VAR on the case of a dispute over recipe infringement, excessive political fouls, penalties related to oversharing, red cards given for violent and unnecessary flatulence, rants that start with “back in my day”, offside calls relating to cousin on cousin interaction, conversation own goals, and mistaken identity stories.

“We utilized Gift Credit Technology last season and reports were highly positive,” stated O’Hara. “It really helped identify which gift giver scored and whether there were any secondary assists.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Cousin Denny Lindholm stages a series of extraordinary in-livingroom protests over VAR decisions regarding the ownership of peanut butter cup THC edibles.