Whitecaps Fan Wanders Streets Of Vancouver Looking For Tank

Vancouver, BC - Whitecaps fan Colette Hastings stated that she has been wandering the streets of Vancouver for the past 20 minutes looking for a tank after the Whitecaps asked fans to take a picture in front of their custom tank in order to win a signed jersey from new signing Lucas Cavallini.

“This is my tank. there are many like it, but this one is mine. My tank is my best friend. It is my life.

“I went in front of BC Place and all I saw was an Armored Personnel Carrier,” stated Hastings to The Nutmeg News. “I’ve been looking for the last 20 minutes and I can’t see a single tank.”

Hastings reportedly started a Facebook group demanding access to the Seaforth Armoury as she claimed, “we will storm their perimeter and gain access if we must. Nothing can stand between us and a new signed Cavallini kit.”

Other Whitecaps fans argued with Hastings online that she was, in fact, looking at the so-called tank in the picture as Whitecaps social media devolved into technical specifications regarding Armored Personnel Carriers and whether anything with tracks is simply called a tank shorthand.

“I don’t care what anyone says,” stated Hastings. “I’ll be the first person to take my picture with this APC and I’ll be the first person to storm Seaforth. THE STREETS WILL BE OURS ONE EL ApcQUE OR ANOTHER.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Hastings gathers 12,000 fans to sign up for storming the Armoury but only 10 people to agree what song they will sing when they do so.

New St. Louis Franchise Announces Rebrand Ahead Of 2022 Inaugural Season

St. Louis, MO - Public Relations officials for the 2022 MLS expansion side in St Louis stated that they would be unveiling a rebrand of their unreleased crest and team name ahead of their inaugural season.

Whatever they are doing they need to use some laurels. Never a bad time to include that.

“We felt like the time was right to announce a rebrand of our whole branding,” stated Donovan Williams of the expansion side. “With the upcoming season only a year or two away we thought it would be best to really show fans the impact of this new side moving to Major League Soccer.”

Insiders state that the new franchise will be transitioning away from using the old crest which the franchise will be using 9 months from now as they announce a new, new crest that they will be using 11 months from now.

“Rebrands are all the rage regardless of whether a team needs them or not,” stated one team insider. “We felt like right now was a great time to grab a bit of publicity.”

Brand historians expect that the new St. Louis crest will differ from the old unreleased crest in some way that will likely upset the fans they don’t have that haven’t seen it yet.

“We understand that there may be significant pushback from the fans we don’t currently have on the crest they haven’t seen that will be replacing the badge we never relased that replaced the mock up that was excellent that we decided against,” stated Williams. “We plan on defraying that by showing a bunch of videos of a street artist that no one knows spray painting murals that we paid to commission on public buildings. It’s gonna be great.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the rebrand of the rebrand of the rebrand goes off without a hitch.

Thorns Fan Now Local Expert On Australia

Portland, OR - According to sources, Portland Thorns fan Heather Williams is now the local expert on Australia after spending the past few months tracking players in Canberra, Brisbane, Melbourne and Sydney.

Apparently there are other Australian skylines that don’t have the Sydney Opera House.

“She’s become a fountain of information on everything to do with Australia,” stated good friend Steph Phillips. “At any time she is just talking about W-League games that she watched and random facts about the Australian cities where all the Thorns players are playing.”

According to friends, this obsession with the players overseas has merged into an obsession with the cities and country itself.

“Did you know that Canberra is the capital city of Australia,” asked Williams to her friends during a meet up for trivia night. “Did you know that Canberra is Australia’s largest inland city? Did you know that Melbourne Victory only have 4 points from 4 games and have a negative goal differential?”

Friends also indicate that Williams has been positively evangelical about encouraging friends to watch the W-League as she indicated that it was, “Totally easy to watch live games and all you have to do is subtract the day that you are on from the day you want to watch and stay up until 12:30 am the day of, or sometimes 10:00 pm the day before the day of the game for the non 7:30 pm games and understand that it is on ESPN + with a replay so that when you can’t figure out the timezone you can just cave and watch games the day after they happen.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Williams starts incorporating Australian slang into her repertoire as she rants about bogans.

Canadian Premier League On High Alert For SuperDraft Dodgers

TORONTO - Officials for the Canadian Premier League (CPL) announced that they were on high alert after rumors of MLS SuperDraft Dodgers began to swirl on the internet.

Where have all the flower children gone?

“We are here to welcome them into our league with open arms,” stated league commissioner David Clanachan. “If these League Resisters want to embrace our Canadian lifestyle of peace, hockey, curling, and sometimes soccer we welcome them eagerly into our boundless land from Pacific FC to the Halifax Wanderers.”

Our reporters spoke with one SuperDraft dodger who stated, “there is a fact that roughly 100,000 young soccer players will chose Canada rather than fighting in a league in which they don’t want to play. I crossed over at the Coutts border crossing in Alberta and my voice broke as the border guard questioned my AYSO uniform. However, now that I’m here I can say that I was welcomed with open arms.”

For their part, the league officials with Major League Soccer condemned the escaping players as, “draft evading traitors whose rights in this league will be enforced.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Commissioner Clanachan announces a new League Resister statue at the Ambassador Bridge.

"Why Can't We Make Soccer Less Complicated In This Country," States Man Still Paying Off $1,633 Ambulance Ride

Philadelphia, PA - Soccer fan Anthony Hughes took to the internet to complain about the current state of his favorite sport as he stated, “Why can’t we make soccer less complicated in this country,” while also opening up a browser page to make a payment on a $1,633 ambulance ride he took for a heart attack last year.

“I don’t care if I’m turning purple and clutching at the carpet, you DO NOT CALL THEM. Death is way more affordable.”

“I don’t understand why soccer has to be the way it is here,” stated Hughes as he simultaneously rebutted a number of comments on his Facebook page from parents who refuse to vaccinate their kids and claim he is trying to poison his daughter.

“It doesn’t make sense. We have the infrastructure to really make a splash on the world stage if we could figure things out,” stated Hughes as he tried to argued with someone on Reddit that black people deserve the right to not be killed in their own home by the police .

Hughes was reportedly upset after noticing the problems suffered by leagues, teams and players where it is clear that the game of soccer has settled in with the overarching arc of United States society towards discordant, sometimes depressing but very profitable chaos.

“It seems like all we need is someone who can actually come in with a plan that will emphasize the stability of the leagues and maximize the growth of the sport without compromising the fans that got the sport where it is,” stated Hughes as he attempted to figure whether or not his voter registration was mysteriously purged recently.

“Oh well, I guess it’ll get better after the next election when we get someone that really cares about the game,” stated Hughes as he repeated the same phrase he said recently about the upcoming 2020 election.

The Nutmeg News will always have more on this.

MLS And ESPN+ Announce Holiday Offer Of 15% Off The Number Of Available Games For 2020

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer and ESPN+ announced a Holiday Deal, today, of 15% off the number of games they will make available for streaming if you purchase a year subscription to ESPN+ for 2020 as they attempt to boost their online subscribers

Exclusions Will Apply.

“Give the gift of some live Major League Soccer games (exclusions may apply). You’ll get full access to all games for every team, mostly,” stated MLS director of streaming Ryan Bertrow.

“All our league focus groups indicates that fans want to watch fewer games. We want to ensure that every fan of Major League Soccer has the ability to click on a stream of a game they would like to view even if they can’t actually watch the game because our television contracts or streaming options prohibit the option.”

Fans state that they are excited for the game reduction as they cheer the move that would make ESPN and MLS more money.

“I’m excited for all the time I will get back by all the games I would’ve watched that are going to be locked,” stated one anonymous fan. “It’s really going to be amazing to try to click on a fun match-up, realize I can’t watch it and then switch to a Bundesliga game. Spending time with Munich instead of Chicago will make my subscription that much better.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as this still represents a great deal for all fanbases coming off of FloSports.

USL Winter Summit Day 2 Kicks Off With Conference On Spending Your Per Diem

Orlando, FL - Live from the palatial Renaissance Orlando at SeaWorld, the USL Winter Summit kicked off day 2 with a conference on appropriately getting everything that you can from your per diem as the conferences and meetings ran at high speed.

“and now a cost comparison rundown on the overall per diem value of Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits.”

“Know that while you may not be able to afford everything on room service that you definitely can get some great bang for your buck, if your team doesn’t require an itemized receipt, at the hotel gift shop,” stated Professor Lee Browning who hosted the conference.

With USL representatives in town to talk about all the mechanisms of the leagues from League 2 up to the Championship, many first time attendees found that the talk centered around exactly what you were getting for your per diem.

“I managed to figure out that I could skip all my meals except for dinner and then go out for steak,” stated one anonymous USL employee.

“I think I can get away with using my per diem on churros at Disney World. Now all I need to do is get away from this conference on the potential uses of VAR at our levels,” stated an anonymous junior executive with one team.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the next conference starts on, “Grass Stains and You: The Equipment Manager Dilemma”

Confused Robert Kraft Disappointed That New Revolution Training Facility Lacks Massage Room

Foxborough, MA - A confused and bewildered Robert Kraft expressed his disappointment that the new training facility for the New England Revolution lacked a private executive massage room as he discretely asked around for an appointment.

“I thought that owners got perks,” stated Kraft to no one in particular as he quickly called his car service around to leave. “They told me that there would be space available for this kind of thing.”

Kraft was in Foxborough today to open a new training facility for the New England Revolution as he cut the red ribbon and looked around the grounds for all that the 35 million dollar new facility was set to offer.

“So, um, where’s the room,” stated Kraft to Bruce Arena who nodded at Kraft and grimaced as he found a way to blame the confusion on Jurgen Klinsmann. “Wait, are you telling me that we spent 35 million dollars on…. Is this microphone on?”

A inquiry made to the Patriots front office received no reply.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kraft asks his consulting groups to focus on the health and wellness of all employees in the organization from the very top to the executive vice presidents.

Twitter Bio Now A List Of Trendy Soccer Clubs That Fan Used To Follow

Omaha, NE - The Twitter bio of @KerlonIsGod was reportedly found out to be just a list of different trendy soccer clubs that they used to follow.

Is this meta?

“It’s kinda crazy how if you look at the timeline of all these clubs and when @kerlonisgod started following them that they nearly line up with how they were perceived internationally and nationally from a cultural zeitgeist perspective,” stated one anonymous Twitter user who originally pointed this theory out.

“Their bio is almost directly on target with being the end all be all list of underdog, leftist, trendy soccer clubs..”

The Twitter bio of @KerlonIsGod name checks Saint Pauli, Clapton FC, Dulwich Hamlet, Borussia Dortmund, Glasgow Celtic, Rayo Vallecano, AS Livorno, Liverpool FC, Real Oviedo, Detroit City FC, Minneapolis City SC, and Forward Madison.

“I just wanted to find clubs that would identify with the way that I see the world,” stated @KerlonIsGod in a DM interview. “It really isn’t easy to try to keep up with 12 different clubs.”

According to their own estimation, @KerlonIsGod transitioned away from trying to follow the specific results of at least 8 of the 12 teams stating, “I’m really just a fan of their ethos,” to our reporter.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when @KerlonIsGod realizes they are going to need to shorthand all the clubs to fit inside the 160 characters allotted to a Twitter bio as they add a 13th and 14th team to their collection after looking for a team in Hong Kong and Brazil to support.

US Soccer Federation Leadership Team Engagement Workplace Collaborative Task Force Identifies Core Initiative To Drive WINnovation And Corporate Success By Forcing Remote Coaches Into The Office

CHICAGO - During a group conference call with their remote coach employees, the US Soccer Federation (USSF) Leadership Team Engagement Workplace Collaborative Task Force indicated that they identified a core initiative that would drive WINnovation and corporate success by forcing their remote employees to uproot their families and move to Chicago in order work from the office.

Welcome to Hell.

“EVERYONE GETS A SUCCESSORIES POSTER AND NO ONE GETS TO WORK FROM HOME ANYMORE,” stated Janet and Rob Holding of Dynamic Synergistic Integrative Culture Team Building LLC. “We want you all to feel like ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY so that our overall profits will increase because as we all know…. when the company, er federation does well… WE ALL MOSTLY DO WELL EXCEPT ROB WE NEED YOU TO SPEAK WITH HUMAN RESOURCES AFTER THIS MEETING!”

According to insiders with the USSF, the company decided to invest the money they aren’t spending on lobbyists in order to figure out whom to influence legally or politically in order to not pay the US Women on a consulting group to improve the overall corporate culture dynamics of the interoffice fraternity of coaches that they employ on a national level.

“The first thing that Janet and Rob identified was that all coaches regardless of skill, family or ability should be based out of Chicago,” stated one anonymous insider. “The next thing they identified was that there needed to be communal go rooms with an open floor design and no walls for personal work-spaces instead of cubicles or offices. The next thing they spoke about was interdepartmental communication and synergistic culture building that could be centered around an inclusive meet space where everyone would have performance reviews in the round with a peer support specialist dedicated to core competencies and influencing corporate culture integration with motivation, advocation and company INreach centered around what is good for the federation.”

According to many reports, coaches with the federation took this news in stride by quitting, but the USSF denied the claims stating that they were still certified as a Great Place To Work by the international consulting firm they paid to do the survey in the first place.

When asked about this new methodology, the USSF responded by stating, “Our coaches love the idea of peer collaboration and working together in an office environment rather than actually being out there with players. We are trying to develop a new curriculum by focusing on removing the connection of the coach with the player and instead focusing on driving home the idea of achieving coaching licenses, taking tests and then teaching other coaches to take tests and achieve licenses and then moving to Chicago. We’ve completely eliminated an unnecessary work from home area project because we feel it severely damages the interoffice water cooler dynamics that help fully mesh our holistic culture approach.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we finish vomiting into a waste bucket at all these buzzwords.

Soccer Fans In Charlotte Excited To Join Western Conference Of Major League Soccer

Charlotte, NC - Soccer fans in Charlotte were reportedly excited at the leaked announcement that the city would field a new team in the Western Conference of Major League Soccer.

“We are thrilled to rejoin our rivalry with Seattle, Los Angeles, and Sacramento,” stated James Harbottle of Eastover. “If you know our pedigree you know that we are a Western Conference city and we plan on being a Western Conference team like Nashville.”

Pundits say that the league may balance itself out by then, but insiders report that MLS is already planning on adding Sacramento to the Eastern Conference in order to balance things out.

“It’s important for the league to kind of be balanced in a way that makes sense,” stated one league insider. “As such, Sacramento will go to the Eastern Conference, San Diego will go to the Southern California x-treme Division (brought to you by Herbalife) and Chicago will eventually move back to the Norris Division.”

With excitement building to a boiling malaise, Charlotte fans began planning on their favorite away days to the city of their former rivals.

“I haven’t been this excited to visit Seattle since the Sting played the Storm back in 2001,” stated sports fan Davis Hughes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Miami prepares to move the the regional south eastern north western conference when the league expands to 400.

Mishit David Beckham Freekick Nearly Ends Up In Miami

Fort Lauderdale, FL - A mishit David Beckham freekick at the new Inter Miami CF stadium nearly ended up in Miami as the ex-Preston North End midfielder and co-owner of the new Major League Soccer (MLS) side broke in the Fort Lauderdale Stadium for the Miami based team.

“Four of the five kicks were absolutely beautiful,” stated one anonymous construction worker. “However, the fifth one cleared the stadium infrastructure and was bouncing down I-95 towards the city of Miami. I doubt it made it all the way, but we are calling it a Miami free kick anyway.”

According to onlookers, Beckham grimaced at the fifth kick as it missed the mark, but was consoled by business partner Jorge Mas who stated, “Now THAT free kick was a MIAMI free kick and don’t let anyone tell you any differently! No one believed we would have a Miami free kick like that 8 months ago and now look at where we are.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Inter Miami CF track the rolling of the ball to establish the homegrown rights for the area.

Social Media Manager Announces 20% Reduction In Overall Job Dread After Acquisition Of Therapist

Des Moines, IA - Carla Overbeek, the social media manager of the Des Moines FC Football Club (DMFCFC), announced from her personal Twitter account a 20% reduction in overall job dread after the acquisition of a therapist.

TODAY WAS A REALLY GREAT DAY!

“I was anxious to an unhealthy level literally every time I picked up a phone to do my job,” stated Overbeek to The Nutmeg News. “However, Dr. Libscomb at the Recovering From Social Media Clinic really helped me walk through a variety of coping mechanisms for the dread, horror, stress, and feelings of PTSD that I was feeling when I logged into the team account.”

According to Dr. Libscomb, there has been a severe spike in the number of team and league representatives that she is treating at the clinic as a number of different team representatives need different methodologies in order to cope with the difficulties that come with doing their job.

“We are talking about individuals who are struggling with the fact that they are the messenger of the facts and not the actual person making the decision,” stated Dr. Libscomb. “Recently we had a case study of a social media and digital rights manager for a soccer team in the United States who had a Pavlovian response to the vibrate alarm feature that involved the individual in question having a panic attack every time they heard a low rumble. We are in the process of exposure therapy to attempt to resolve this issue and we are working on exploring personal and work boundaries as it relates to scanning through mentions and comments.”

For her part, Ms. Overbeek states that the amount of time she cries in the process of doing her job has plummeted as she states, “I’m no longer locking myself in the bathroom at the end of the day with a bottle of wine after reading through Instagram comments on the official team page! It’s a massive improvement.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as several times a day Ms. Overbeek explores the idea of moving to a remote part of the world where there is no internet.

Orlando City Announces New Transfer Policy Based Upon Twitter Likes

Orlando, FL - In an effort to attempt to engage fans that are feeling already dispirited for the coming season, Orlando City SC stated that they would base their entire transfer policy for 2020 on the number of Twitter likes that rumors and suggested acquisitions given by fans of the team would acquire.

“This is an entirely new methodology to really integrate our fans into the acquisition policy,” stated one Orlando City insider. “The team will be basing their acquisitions entirely on the whims of the fans. If the fans state that they want a specific player and it gets over 200 likes then we will lodge a bid for that player.. If a player suggestion ends up with more than 1,000 likes then we will lodge a bid that isn’t actually insulting to the team and player in question. If a player suggestion gets more than 10,000 likes then we will use it in an attempt at a viral marketing campaign.”

Fans of Orlando City were reportedly thrilled that the team even pretended to be interested in player acquisitions for 2020 as they quickly started proposing a number of different people for the team to try to acquire.

“Pulido to OCSC!,” stated @TheLIonsRoar

“Messi! MESSI…. MESSSIIIIIIIIIIIIII,” stated @BreKABrak

Sources with the team indicate that they’ve already put in bids for Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi and Chucky Lozano.

“We’ve made our intent known by filing a $1,000 acquisition bid for Cristiano Ronaldo,” stated our source with Orlando City. “We are waiting for a response from Juventus to say whether they’ve accepted our terms.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the scouting department of Orlando City changes their task from scouting players to scouting player suggestions from Orlando City fans.

Aberdeen FC Cancel Minority Stake Purchase After Atlanta United Tries To Pay With TAM

Atlanta, GA - The recently announced purchase of a minority stake in Scottish team Aberdeen FC by Major League Soccer (MSL) side Atlanta United was cancelled by the Aberdeen board of directors after the MLS club attempted to pay the $2.57 million dollars in Targeted Allocation Money (TAM).

Maybe they could change the name to Atlanta United Aberdeen Football Club.

“We asked for the all of the financial documents and payment to be in by the end of the day,” stated assistant to the chairman Glenn Adair. “They sent over a document that stated, ‘$2.57 million of TAM. Plz update spreadsheet.’ This is not how we do things here.”

Sources within Atlanta United indicated that the club ownership were shocked that they couldn’t purchase shares using TAM as they were informed that TAM was good for anything within Major League Soccer.

“They feel that the international soccer community should recognize TAM and GAM as valid currency,” stated one Atlanta United insider. “They want to use any excess of TAM that they received for the Darlington Nagbe trade to defray their overall purchase price. I don’t understand why Aberdeen won’t accept this currency.”

For their part, Aberdeen FC are staying firm as they released a press statement indicating that until there is actual money deposited they will not consider any formal purchase of shares to be ratified.

“After we requested the club to send us actual funds, they then sent us an google document indicating how much TAM they had and adding Aberdeen in as a line item receiving the TAM. This is not how this works. Money for shares. This is not blockchain or crypto currency”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Chicago Fire try to pay for their logo re-brand with General Allocation Money.

Success of Branded Potatoes Leads To League One Branded Vegetable Arms Race

Blowing Rock, NC - Marketers for USL League One side Northern Blowing Rock Tortuga FC stated that the success of Forward Madison’s branded potatoes lead to a League One promotional vegetable arms race as the USL side state that they are considering a branded rutabaga promotional opportunity.

Where the MAGIC happens!

“We see the branded team vegetable market as a massive growth opportunity,” stated director of marketing Dan Smith. “First we start with Rutabagas, but who is to say that we don’t sell branded carrots, branded heirloom tomatoes, branded bok choy, branded organic squash, branded organic non-gmo watercress, branded sunchokes, branded eggplant, and branded pumpkins. Just think about branded beetroot, branded cauliflower, branded courgettes, BRANDED CUCUMBER, branded leeks, tubers, and kohlrabi. We could offer a microscopic branded pea cut cut with a tiny laser! The sky is the limit, honestly.”

According to Smith, the thing that will set them apart is their use of actual branding irons on the vegetables.

“We are building a set of custom branding irons to emblazon our logo on the side of any vegetables that we get. Then we will upload the options to our website and BINGO, you get a giant amount of official Northern Blowing Rock Tortuga FC branded Radicchio for your salad and ballad dinner party.”

With the vegetable arms race heating up to a fervent boil, other teams in USL League One are considering even more promotional opportunities.

“We are trying to corner the women’s market with our new line of branded Feminine pads, tampons and diva cups,” stated the marketing manager of Eastern Fredonia Olympia AC. “We want to be known that we are sympathetic to the needs of our ever expanding fanbase, some of whom want to connect their menstruation to their sporting teams. When you think of your monthly cycle, think of Eastern Fredonia Olympia AC!”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the League One promotional arms race reaches a fever pitch and then Nick Hornby writes a book about it.

Chicago Fire Announce They Will Rebrand Team As NPSL Affiliate Of Vancouver Whitecaps

CHICAGO - The Chicago Fire, today, announced a stunning rebrand of the Major League Soccer (MLS) franchise as they boldly laid out the conversion of the team from Major League Soccer franchise to a farm team for the Vancouver Whitecaps that plays in the National Premier Soccer League (NPSL).

Conversion over the years from the Whitecaps to their defunct USL side to the Fire.

“It was important to let our fans know that it would not be business as usual for the Chicago Fire,” stated general manager Nelson Rodriguez. “2020 will be the last season in Major League Soccer for the Fire as we transition into an NPSL side for the 2021 season. Our fans will enjoy the fact that finally they get to watch a team get relegated, just like Chivas USA. And look how that worked out for them!”

According to sources within the team, Rodriguez and new owner Joe Mansueto’s plan for the struggling franchise was to abandon their lease in Bridgeview, move to Soldier Field for a year, and then transition to playing their games at the Chicago Soccer Fields Stadium, Arena & Sports Venue in Melrose Park, Illinois

“We cannot continue with business as usual,” stated Mansueto to the last 15 Fire fans that haven’t had their passion for the team ruined by the idiotic and shameful decisions of those in charge over the past 22 years. “It is important for us to be affiliated with a side that allows us to grow our brand and maximize our investment.”

Fire fans were reportedly upset by this new situation as they lashed out online. We reached out to Vitor Wiśniewski who stated, “Oh………….. just fuck everything. I’m going back to drinking”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Fire work on alienating the last fans that they still have in order to focus their attention on the fans who don’t even know they exist.

"Lack Of Charter Flights Hurt Season," States AYSO Team

Manchester Township, NJ - Players for the AYSO team Manchester Township United spoke out to the press, today, on the difficulties of the previous season and stated that the lack of charter flights hurt their ability to recover and perform at their best leading to the disappointing season for the 10 year old players.

“Children in European youth teams do not deal with the distances that we have to cover to play,” stated Nadim “Bubby” Kandulapati. “I am expected to perform at a high level for my team, and provide the link up play we need to be able to dominate teams like Toms River Liverpool FC. Except that I can’t do this due to the fact that the travel time has left me so spinny winny crazy that I can’t accurately name all the Teen Titans in Teen Titans Go, right now.”

Kandulapati was not the only player to speak out as Jimmy “Squeeks” Davidson stated, “ Bubby is right! The lack of charter flights is really hurting our performance. We have games on the weekend and we are expected to be back in school on Monday. We can’t even handle the course load. Between the sprint drills, power lifting and agility work I’m having difficulty with math. We need charter flights!”

For their part, the administration staff of Manchester Township United stated that they recognized the issues facing travel times for their young charges but cited a lack of funds as the primary reason for the Charter Flights Kerfuffle.

“We already have our season rates at $2000 just to join and that fee only includes the 432 games we play, a borrowed kit, one container of blue powerade drink mix, a package of 3 year old orange wedge candies, and a silver flask filled with fireball for all the parents who have to stand out in the rain,” stated team director Bill Hughes. “We don’t even have the money to pay a coach. In desperation, we asked the strength and conditioning coach for the local high school football team to do it as a favor for one year. One of the dads watches a lot of soccer on the weekend so he is relied on for the tactical game plan.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the members of Manchester Township United push for free agency.

Area Man On Month Number Six Of Subscription To ESPN+ Originally Purchased For US Open Cup Games

Tampa Bay, FL - Tampa Bay Rowdies fan Philip Freeman is reportedly on month number six of a subscription to ESPN + that he started to watch the US Open Cup game the Rowdies played and lost against Oklahoma City Energy back on May 28th.

THIS IS THE SUBSCRIPTION THAT NEVER ENDS

YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS

“I’m definitely going to cancel it this time,” stated Freeman to The Nutmeg News as he became distracted by a meme account on Instagram.

Friends state that Freeman boldly proclaimed that he would only be signing up for the free trial to watch the US Open Cup games and that he definitely would remember to cancel the monthly subscription service. However, according to his bank statement, Freeman is now on his sixth month of the service with no end in site.

“I’m definitely going to cancel it this time,” stated Freeman as he clearly forgot the fact that he already stated this to our reporter earlier in the interview as his attention shifted and then focused on a repost on Twitter of an Instagram repost of a Tik Tok video making fun of Facebook users.

“Yeah, totally though, like I said, I’m definitely going to cancel……… um… oh man, check this shit out,” stated Freeman who shared a poorly constructed meme about people creating poorly constructed memes.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Freeman talks himself into using ESPN+ for Bundesliga games in 2020.

Article About Soccer Player's Favorite Restaurant Fails To Answer Any Of Man's Questions About The Entire Scope Of Alleged US Soccer Corruption

Denver, CO - An article about the favorite restaurant of soccer player Dimitri Gudjohnson reportedly failed to answer any of Jerry Stewart’s questions about the entire scope of the alleged corruption of US Soccer as Stewart harangued journalist Harry Neil on Twitter about his obvious bias.

“Artists Interpretation”

“HOW COME U DIDNT COVER CORRUPTION BETWEEN SUM AND AYSO AND USSOCER LEADING TO BERHALTER BOYS REGIME,” stated Stewart to the Twitter account of Neil as he re-posted the story for his afternoon readers. “MLS $HILL CANT ASK THE HARD Q.”

According to Neil, he frequently fields questions about his partiality, character and moral flexibility if he posts anything that would be considered a personal interest story about soccer players.

“Not all my stuff is going to be a hard hitting expose,” stated Neil to The Nutmeg News. “Nearly everyone in the soccer writing community is barely hanging on to their job right now for a variety of reasons. I once had a piece on a Rapids player cancelled after the team felt that they wanted an in house reporter to handle it due to concerns about previous criticisms I wrote online. It’s almost like some of these critics haven’t dealt with the behind the scenes machinations that go on in getting information, stories and breaking news.”

For his part, Stewart indicated that he didn’t care about any of the things that Mr. Neil stated as he emailed our reporters the following response.

“HE IS PART OF THE CONPRICAY TO DEFRAUD THE AMERICAN PEOPLE OF REAL FOOTBALL AND THATS WHY NO ONE TRUSTS JOURNALISTS ANYMORE. NO ONE WANTS TO READ ABOUT POOJOHNSONS FAVORITE RESTAURANT. WE WANT TO READ ABOUT FUNDAMENTAL CHANGES BEING IMPLEMENTED AT THE INTERSECTION OF US SOCCER AND THE AYSO THAT WILL MAKE OUR COUNTRY INTO THE GREATEST ON THE WORLD STAGE AT WINNING WORLD CUPS.”

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Neil’s report on the financials of NPSL teams garners a paltry 1,000 views.