433rd Page Of NASL/USSF Lawsuit Documents Contains A Lovely Quiche Lorraine Recipe

NEW YORK - David Howard, a pipefitter and part-time, unpaid, soccer blogger, stated that he uncovered a lovely quiche lorraine recipe hidden on page 433 of the NASL Anti-trust lawsuit that will blow this whole lawsuit apart.

PROMOTION AND RELEGATION FOR QUICHE.

"Some amazing information in the NASL lawsuit documents," tweeted Howard from his account @SoccerExpertNYC. "There's a declaration about MLS trying to buy and kill the Cosmos brand, there's information about the relationship between the NASL and the USL, and there's a lovely Quiche Lorraine recipe hidden on page 433."

Reportedly, Howard stated that while he was first interested by the idea of MLS attempting to purchase and kill the Cosmos brand, he was more intrigued by the preparation that involved green onions over bacon, and then more bacon which really gives a lovely taste and texture to the Quiche.

"It's a delicious quiche, it really is," tweeted Howard to his account shortly after eating the NASL delight. "I just wish that this quiche got a chance on the big stage of American foods and wasn't being kept down by THE GLOBAL CONSPIRACY PERPETRATED BY SUM AND USSF."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the quiche files a lawsuit against the USSF for not sanctioning it as a Division 1 food.

WOSO Blogger Liked Lieke Martens Before She Was Cool

NEW YORK - Women's Soccer blogger Tiffany Osterhaus stated that she liked Lieke Martens before she was cool as the Dutch midfielder won the FIFA Best Woman award.

Martens? I like her original stuff, but I checked out when she released her Barcelona passion play. 

"I really liked Martens when she was playing for Heerenveen back in 2009," stated Osterhaus to The Nutmeg News. "Back then, there were far less bandwagon fans and she was far less exposed in the media. You really had to be a fan to enjoy her first body of work, and the second team she was on was more like her second album which showed her progression into the mainstream."

Osterhaus stated that she noticed more of her friends being into Martens after her time withGöteborg FC, but that she cherishes the time when she was an unknown midfielder working hard for a local Dutch team.

"Sure it's easier to find her work now that she is mainstream and she is now in everybody's BEST PLAYER list, but I miss the time when it was just me and a few other Heerenveen fans who saw her potential."

Osterhaus stated that with Martens winning the award that she doesn't even know all the Martens fans, anymore, and has fallen out of love with her recent work.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Osterhaus states that she has a new obscure midfielder she follows in the lower divisions of German Women's soccer.

Sacramento Republic Fan Appropriately Shamed For Lack Of Belief After Playoff Win

Sacramento, CA - Sacramento Republic fan Tim Jeffers was appropriately shamed by his fellow fans for his lack of belief after Republic won their opening round USL Playoff game on the road against the Real Monarchs.

For a split second it seemed as though he might even be right, the whining traitor.

"All I said was that I thought it was going to be a difficult game and I wasn't certain that the team was going to win," stated Jeffers who was branded a "traitor" by his fellow fans.

Reportedly, Jeffers was attending the Republic/Monarchs watch party when local investigators found several tweets expressing his own personal doubts over the upcoming game.

"Whoa, man," stated local investigator and currently unemployed bar-back Paul Merson. "Tim TOTALLY didn't believe we were going to win this game. What a whiny little fucking traitor."

Jeffers was reportedly paraded around the bar as fellow fans threw napkins and food at him as a sign of his disloyalty to the team. He was given a shame hat and asked to leave the premises. 

"It was the 8th team against the #1 team on the road," whined little whiny whiner Jeffers. "I didn't think it was an act of sedition to insinuate that it might be a tough game," whined the little whiny unbeliever.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Jeffers tweet history is printed out, long form, so that all can see his horrible takes 365 days later.

"It Took All Of Us Working Together To Be This Bad," States LA Galaxy's Sigi Schmid

LOS ANGELES - LA Galaxy coach Sigi Schmid stated, on Monday, that he was proud of the effort of the Galaxy as they worked all season long to become the worst team in the league, in 2017.

STARTED AT THE TOP AND NOW WE'RE HERE

"We had a lot of really great effort from the boys, over the season," stated Schmid to The Nutmeg News. "We especially want to thank Curt Onalfo for getting us started off on a blistering path towards less than one point per game. We can't overlook our midfield and defense for selling out every game to get us to a -22 goal differential."

Schmid stated that he was especially pleased for the home fans as they contributed to the team record this season by watching only 3 wins the entire season, a record for the league this year. 

"3 wins and 9 losses at home? Now that's something rare. Sure a lot of clubs want to make the playoffs, but where is the difficulty in that? Winning only 3 games out of 17 at home is more impressive in my opinion."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Schmid continues to sing the praises of Giovaniand Jonathan Dos Santos

Soccer Writer Continues To Conflate Portland And Austin Despite Never Visiting Either City

WASHINGTON - Washington Times Gazette soccer writer Jim "teddy" Teddington continued to conflate Portland, Oregon and Austin, Texas as being, "essentially the same place," without actually travelling to either city.

Portland stole the slogan from Austin so they MUST be the same.

"They both have young people, and they both have old people, and they both have a lot of um........... hipsters.......soooooooo.............. yeah," mumbled Teddington to himself as he finished another column about the bright future of Austin soccer. 

Friends state that Teddington came to the conclusion that Austin and Portland are the exact same city when he saw a picture of a bearded man running a microbrewery in Austin and assumed it was a picture from Portland.

"Beards! Beer! ... um...... BEARDS! It's gotta be the same! No one's realized this before," exclaimed an exited Teddington as he planned a future trip to South by Southwest for some research into brand activation and market penetration of soccer in South Texas.... and some bands, if he has time. "If soccer works in Portland it ABSOLUTELY is going to work in Austin. They are literally the same place. I bet they even would have the same soccer chants."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Teddington turns in another column on "Precourt and Austin: How The Portland Timbers Predicted This."

FC Dallas Order Extra Large Sage Smudge Stick To Cleanse Evil Energy And Stadium Aura

Dallas, TX - F.C. Dallas, reportedly, ordered an extra large sage smudge stick from The Labyrinth Coven in Dallas in order to cleanse the evil energy and stadium aura that followed the team around for the last half of the season.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM SPIRITS WITHIN, DEPART IN PEACE!

"We tried LITERALLY everything else," stated an exasperated Oscar Pareja as he swept the burning sage bundle over the FC Dallas locker room that reportedly carried extra negative energy. "At this point, for us, the only thing we haven't tried is some sage, have a seance and if that doesn't work? Come back in 2018 and just forget about what happened."

Reportedly, team officials are looking into whether Pareja or Clark Hunt inadvertently or intentionally were the recipient of a curse put upon them, or if the problem could be explained by any other methodology that would explain one win in 14 games.

"We aren't certain what happened, but we are employing the finest Bruja consultants in the DFW metroplex to resolve this issue. Our aura's must be cleansed," stated equipment manager Stephen Gotschalk. 

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas align their heart chakra with clear energy crystals to bring a good result.

American MK Dons Fan States, "This Crew Situation Is Why I Only Follow English Football"

Boston, MA - American Milton Keynes Dons fan Nick Devos stated to his friends, "This Columbus Crew situation is why I only follow English football," as he prepared to find a stream for the Dons upcoming game against Oldham, tomorrow.

PART OF THE FABRIC OF THE COMMUNITY

"England would never let teams just move around, clubs are part of the local fabric of the community," ranted Devos to his disinterested friend Paul Philips. "MLS teams are franchises. They are a squad of inter-mural athletes that play against each other in scrimmages. I think anyone that supports teams in MLS is a fraud and probably should just stop watching sports all together. Honestly, I truly think that if you watch an MLS squad you should burn down your house, any other house or bar in which you watched a game, give away all your possessions, leave your family behind and move to the desert to repent for your sins for the rest of your life."

Devos started following the Dons during a brief 3 day stay in the area around October of 2010 when he happened upon a free ticket.

"They aren't the best club, but they are a club and they are part of the local community, and the owner is the owner, and that means that they don't have any weird things that would make them leave. That's English football. It's like 250 years of tradition, or something, over some plastic idiots standing around following an Arby's franchise from their city. I don't care if this makes me sound like a massive asshole, everyone who watches MLS deserves all of this. SHEEP."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr Devos continues to try to sway people to his viewpoint by calling them idiots.

"And I'd Have Gotten Away With It, If It Wasn't For You Pesky Journalists," Cackles Don Garber As He Counts Crew Season Ticket Money

NEW YORK - A monocled and mustachioed Don Garber reportedly cackled, "And I'd have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you pesky journalists," while counting 2018 season ticket money received from the Columbus Crew after green-lighting a secret plan to move the Columbus Crew to Austin over the past six months without having ownership tell the staff of the Columbus Crew who sold non-refundable packages to local fans for a doomed club.

The commissioner of Major League Soccer stated that he was excited to finally rid the league of the Crew so that he could spearhead FC Cincinnati in their place as the club was more exciting to the league and would allow them to divest the supposedly struggling franchise in Columbus to Austin where kids live and like hipsters or something that would make it work.

"We robbed from the poor to pay the rich!" screamed Garber as he threw a hundred dollar bill taken from a school teacher in Galena at our reporter. "We had no intention of staying in Columbus past 2018 but we sold the tickets anyway! HA HA! Now none of you can get your money back! You are all doomed like your precious club! And I authorized it!  MUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Garber ties Cincinnati's MLS hopes to the tracks as the train of Columbus leaving bears down upon their shared hopes and cackles in glee as fans turn on each other.

DC United Fans Reminded To Not Remove Load Bearing Seats From RFK Stadium

WASHINGTON - D.C. United fans were, again, reminded to not remove load bearing seats from R.F.K. Stadium after the final United soccer game there this weekend.

Thanks for everything, RFK.

"Look, the entire superstructure of the stadium is supported by seats in 110, 109, and 128," stated stadium official Ron Johnson. "If you remove those seats the whole stadium is going to come down like a deflated swiss cheese covered in Raccoon urine."

According to insider sources, the load bearing seats have been reinforced with replaced screws, gorilla glue and duct tape over the year to keep the stadium running. 

"We are confident that we can keep the stadium vertical for the last game, but we would like a chance for everyone to get out alive, so please don't remove the load bearing seats."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as fans attempt to figure out which seat would cause the downfall of the upper decks without destroying the pupusa stand.

Soccer Writers Hold Private Slack Funeral For World Cup Pulisic Articles

Soccer writers across the United States held a private Slack funeral for their future World Cup Christian Pulisic articles as the inability of the United States to make the World Cup in 2018 doomed their future efforts to the waste bin.

The eulogy for the Pulisic columns was given by Dale Edwards of the Chicago Sun Picyuane who was the only member of the group that wore a suit jacket, today.

"Your Eminence, writers from ESPN, SB Nation, Vox, Deadspin, the New York Times, and all unwashed bloggers.

Today we say goodbye to the youngest soccer articles that none of us have written about the rosy cheeked youth known as Christian Pulisic. The world will long remember our love of writing articles about Pulisic as the heir to a weighty legacy; a champion for those who had only known Joe Max Moore; the soul of the future of the United States Men's Team; and the lion of the game against Panama - a man who generated 1000 articles by making one pass himself.

But those of us who loved writing about him because we need content, and ache with the passing of the US World Cup 2018 opportunity, know Christian Pulisic by the other titles he held: Generator of Per Diem, Word Count Increase, Column Space or as he was often known to younger sports writers, 'the chance to get something in print rather than digital.' I, like so many others in the industry, knew him as a click generator and above all, a continuing reason that I am employed.

Christian Pulisic columns were the baby of Freddy Adu and Charles Renken who became the nations restless totem who became the United States rock. Those columns were the sunny, joyful child who bore the brunt of Klinsmann column clickbait, but learned quickly how to brush it off as the clickbait of their own. When they tossed him a ball, six-year-old Pulisic got it and scored and a Washington Post writer obtained a credential for a US Soccer game due to it.

That spirit of resilience and good humour would see Pulisic columns through pain and tragedy, such as the Klinsmann era when we needed something to break up the relentless monotony of biting our ledes.

Our Christian Pulisic columns have gone home now, guided by our faith that we will figure out a new angle to exploit for the gain of our newspapers and the extending of our own careers. May God bless Christian Pulisic and may he generate eternal columns clicks."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Edwards is re-assigned from soccer to cover local high school football.

USL Ready To Start Playoffs With 846 Teams

The United Soccer League (USL) announced that it was ready to start the 2017 playoffs as 846 different teams from across the United States, Canada, Guam and outer North Haverbrook made the playoffs.

"We are excited to welcome Reno 1868, Reno 1869, Reno 1870 and Reno 911 to the 2017 USL Playoffs," stated USL President Jake Edwards. "We are also excited to add Oklahoma City, Tulsa, Norman, Ardmore, Lawton, Muskogee, Broken Arrow, Bartlesville, Avoca and the Circle B Quick Stop FC located in Asher to the playoffs."

Reportedly, the list of playoff teams is so long that the USL is afraid that it may not complete the 2017 playoffs before the 2018 season starts as they stated, "we just need to get these games going so that we can whittle the number of teams down to 10 or so."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the Flagstaff Kachina FC take on Oskaloosa Parks Department AC for the semi north west south eastern regional qualification round.

Austin Soccer Fans Wonder If The Body Is Cold Enough To Celebrate

Austin, TX - Soccer fans in the capital of Texas woke up Wednesday morning wondering if the body of Columbus Crew was cold enough, yet, to celebrate the potential team they are receiving from the bold decision of Anthony Precourt to rip the team out of Columbus.

"I'm just a soccer fan and I don't want any blame at all for the fact that I'm, personally, thrilled to be receiving the cut up pieces of the heart of Columbus," stated Jim Usinger of Round Rock. "Look, we've been through this before. I don't hold a grudge against Orlando for stealing the Aztek's despite never going to a single Aztek's game in the first place. It's just business. So if the Columbus fans want to mourn for the still decomposing body of their team, I'm going to celebrate as we get Precourt Carpetbagging INC."

Our reporters spoke to Austin soccer fan Bobby Thompson who stated, "Originally I was going to get tickets to this USL team, but now I'm all set for MLS. I'm going to buy season tickets first thing. I don't care about Columbus. I'm going to tap dance on their grave when the season is over."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as it happens like a slow motion train crash with nothing to stop it.

City Of Columbus Ohio Hires Bret Hart To Explain Columbus sCrew Job

Columbus, OH - Unable to fully understand what happened in the past 48 hours, the city of Columbus Ohio announced that they hired retired pro-wrestler Bret Hart to explain the Columbus sCrew Job performed by Athony Precourt.

I'm here to talk sCrew Jobs, yes.

"We needed someone who has been through this before," stated Joyce Mayweather, comptroller of Columbus. "So we hired Bret Hart, since he was blindsided back in Montreal by Vince McMahon.

Hart started his presentation by stating, "Fans will have to lose their assumption that ownership is out to help you. You need to put your feelings in a sharpshooter."

Hart then went on to describe the behind the scenes process.

"Precourt is on a heel turn," stated the seven-time world champion. "He was a Face to generate pop, then comes the heel turn to generate heat, then he pulls the heel move of taking the team away from the fans. Then the next move is taking the team to Austin to get to Orlando to create a rivalry with Beckham. The league office hopes that the heat generated by Precourt's heel turn will fill the stadium in the rivalry with Miami. Then comes the DOUBLE CROSS. Eventually Precourt will leave Orlando, just like he left Austin and Columbus, for Detroit and settle the team there to take on all comers, including Dan Gilbert in a cage match for public funds to see who can bankrupt a local school district the fastest."

According to legitimate news source Kayfabe News, they claim this is the dumbest thing they've heard of since the David Arquette won the WCW World Heavyweight Title in 2000.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we explain who Bret Hart is to the children.

Assholes Of North American Soccer: Anthony Precourt

In our continuing series, "Assholes Of North American Soccer," we present the worst people in North American soccer. 

Today the nomination for Asshole Of North American Soccer comes from WT of Galena, Oh.

"My nomination is for Anthony Precourt who bought the Columbus Crew with the intention of moving them, at a later date, to a city that he liked better so that he could make more money. He threatened the city of Columbus, one game before they have a playoff run, to provide him with a stadium downtown or he would move the franchise, an idea that he apparently wanted to do anyway."

Well done, Anthony Precourt and, today, we induct you into the Asshole Hall Of Fame.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE

Anthony wins the title of most hated man in US Soccer for a period of 24 to 48 hours before everyone turns on Don Garber for enabling this.

Orlando Ready For Additional Team After Austin Move Fails For Crew

Orlando, FL - Stating, "We are ready to accept an additional soccer team from Austin," the local Orlando government prepared another stadium financing package to help the upcoming move from Columbus to Austin to Orlando.

Aztek's Soccer! Feel the passion!

"We already were able to find homes, jobs, and a coach for the Aztek's the last time they moved to Orlando" stated city council member Miranda Jacobs. "We will be more than happy to help the next team as they move through to become Orlando City Football Club."

Our reporters were able to speak to an Orlando City Soccer Club fan about the situation and they had the following to say, "Maybe this new team will make the playoffs."

The Nutmeg News will have more on the situation as it unfolds like a drunk billionaire dryheaving on an entire area.

Time Travelling Man From The 1850s Very Upset By Unladylike Behaviour During NWSL Final

Orlando, FL - Stating, "Mimzi shall HEAR OF THIS," time travelling 1850's man Cornelius West of Fallston Maryland admitted his complete dismay at the unladylike behavior exhibited during the NWSL final, this weekend.

I shall inform the town crier to yell out my vengance towards the fairer sex and we shall confine them to a sanitorium!

"I do declare that my delicate sensibilities are QUITE RUFFLED," stated West out loud to any white man he could find within cane reaching distance, on Saturday. "First you tell me that women are allowed to play sports, then you tell me they are allowed to attend sporting events, THEN you tell me that they can imbibe spirits, THEN you tell me they are allowed to do these things in public and then I am subjected to visions of their sporting brutality and profanity! Next thing I know you will tell me that women received the ability to vote and own property!"

West was apparently quite upset to find that Women in 2017 drink, sweat, fart, play sports, yell, get angry, and swear as he dabbed at his moistened brow with a monogrammed silk handkerchief.

"I declare these things all an abomination and descended upon us by an unrepentant society. We must certail these feminine impulses. I have written a letter to the goodly New York Times to express my anger at these unfeminine women. Certainly men, in this age, cannot accept that women are their equal. It will lead to ruinous vexation!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as West is nominated for State Senator by the Maryland GOP.

Portland Thorns Advance To 2017 NWSL Final Against Western New York Flash

Orlando, FL - After winning the semifinal game against the North Carolina Courage, the Portland Thorns advanced to the 2017 NWSL Final against the 2016 NWSL Champion Western New York Flash as the battle for supremacy in NWSL comes down to one game.

You can't lose the championship if you don't exist.

"There's no better way to end the season than to defeat the former champions," stated Thorns head coach Mark Parsons. "We are excited to defeat the Flash.... er... Courage so that we can face the Flash.... again... for the second time? Anyway, I'm excited for the chance to win a second championship for Portland."

After defeating Paul Riley and the Courage, the Thorns are excited to take on Paul Riley and the Flash with a chance to cement their legacy as the first two time champion of the league.

"We are excited," stated Thorns midfielder Allie Long. "Very excited."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Thorns fans get ready for playing the Flash, again again.

Man Shocked As Club Soccer Still Going On Despite USMNT Exit

Kansas City, KS - USMNT fan Rob Curtis was surprised to find that Major League Soccer was still going on despite the exit of the United States from the World Cup as he turned on his television to see the Houston Dynamo versus Sporting Kansas City.

"They are still going through this charade?" asked a Pulisic jersey clad Curtis as he watched Sporting Kansas City take a lead over the Dynamo due to a Jimmy Medranda goal. "I'm shocked that this is still going on. I just don't see the point. Without the United States in the World Cup I don't see the point at continuing the club game."

Cutis admitted that he used to watch Sporting Kansas City play with a zeal and zest for the game, but with the United States not making the World Cup he just didn't find that passion for the club game anymore.

"Maybe I'll find my love again, but without the United States in the World Cup soccer just seems meaningless. I mean, why watch a club that won the US Open Cup four times, the Supporter Shield once, MLS Cup twice, and made the MLS playoffs six years in a row when I really want to watch the United States struggle to win the Gold Cup, it just doesn't make any sense."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Curtis admits he is still begrudgingly going to the SKC game against the Dynamo on the 15th, but will spend the whole time wondering if there was a way for the US to make it into World Cup, still.

Local Idiot Thinks Things With US Soccer Are Going To Change

Dayton, OH - Local soccer idiot Stephen Magee actually thinks things are going to magically change with the US Soccer Federation (USSF) after the United States missed the World Cup on Tuesday evening.

USA! USA! 

"We can replace Gulati, fire Arena, and start distributing that surplus money to fix the pay-to-play system," stated Magee to his friend Ralph Dubois.

"All we need is for the millionaires involved in the game nationally to somehow grow a moral compass and reach out to underserved communities to get them involved with the game, instead of the current crop of kids who have parents wealthy enough to pay for their soccer habit. It'll be EASY!" 

Reportedly, Magee went to bed with a smug feeling of superiority knowing that he solved all the faults with US Soccer in one night, provided that the rich people involved with the federating feel happy about cash redistribution.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this an ardent Magee is shocked when he wakes up and Gulati hasn't resigned. 

United States Women's Soccer Demand That United States Men Take A Pay Cut

CHICAGO - In a letter delivered to the Chicago headquarters of the US Soccer Federation, members of the Untied States Women's National Team demanded that the United States Men take a pay cut after missing the FIFA World Cup.

"Clearly the men have not delivered like we have," stated members of the 3 time World Champion (and current defending champion) United States Women's team. "We demand equal pay for equal results and the soccer that most of these men will be doing next summer is playing FIFA."

According to insider sources, the letter was signed by a number or prominent players who were instrumental in winning the Women's World Cup, something that the US Men haven't even sniffed, over the years.

"We produced 3 World Championships and 4 Olympic Championships in the same time-frame that the men have done absolutely nothing," stated the letter. "It is high time that the men are compensated commensurate to their level of play, which is poor."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the men try to argue with semantics, straw-men and well-actually statements.