Minnesota United Scarf Enthusiast Keeps Watchful Eye On 10 Day Forecast

Minneapolis, MN - Minnesota United scarf enthusiast and soccer fan James Kimball admitted that he has kept a watchful eye on the 10 days forecast in order to allow him to find the appropriate time for wearing his extensive collection of scarves in appropriate weather.

TUESDAY! TUESDAY! TUESDAY!!!!!!!

"I'm only 10 degrees away from not being made fun of anymore," stated Kimball to The Nutmeg News. "Ever since the temps started dropping closer to the 50's I thought that I was getting closer to a time where I can appropriately wear my scarves. It's so close I can touch it."

Despite time pushing ever closer towards the end of the NASL season, Kimball hopes that he can finally book end his season by wearing a scarf to a game where he isn't perpetually sweating his face off.

"It's finally going to happen! I really believe that Tuesday is the day! It might not be gameday, but even if I have to stay up til midnight, I'll finally have a reason to wear a gameday scarf! TUESDAY IS THE DAY (or night)! After that, I'm pinning my hopes on the home game against Edmonton. Let's Go FALL!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Kimball hastens the opportunity to wear a scarf by opening the windows on his car as he drives in circles on Saturday evening in order to get "the chills".

Woman Soccer Player Hates Freedom, Puppies And Murica

CHICAGO - Megan Rapinoe, a woman, basically admitted that she hated the United States of America when she intentionally took a knee during the national anthem at the Seattle Reign - Chicago Red Stars NWSL game proving that she is like, totally, the most godless communist atheist who intends to destroy the fabric of America by bringing Sharia Law, Rob Lowe, Alec Baldwin, and the myth of global warming to Dearborn, Michigan to create a police state for Hilary Clinton goons running taco shops for Illuminati cash businesses who control the hollow earth people who are creating an embassy of the moon for only Huffington Post commentators, or something.

Rapinoe, seen kneeling in the above photo, admitted that she was giving support to another person in a sport this publication doesn't cover so we are ready to just blame her for this whole kerfuffle, in general.

"SHE IS A TRAITOR" stated an anonymous white guy in a truck with "love it or leave it" bumper stickers and a confederate flag attached to his truck bed.

"I used to think she was great, but the USA didn't win the gold medal in the Olympics and that pretty much means I hate all of those players now. I should have known she would do it as soon as she admitted she was a woman. Nothing good comes from that. First they have babies and now they won't stand for the anthem? Moslim conspiracy. Also I found out that she is gay, so by accordance with the Facebook group I get my news from that definitely means I can't empathize with her."

Rapinoe reportedly stated the following to reporters on the scene, "“Being a gay American, I know what it means to look at the flag and not have it protect all of your liberties. It was something small that I could do and something that I plan to keep doing in the future and hopefully spark some meaningful conversation around it," so it is very clear, according to virulent assholes everywhere, that she is commanding some kind of "race-war" to break out, whatever that means. At least that is what some racist guy said on Reddit.

With Rapinoe tearing apart the fabric of American society, this publication was shocked at the reported lack of riots in the streets across the country.

"There's been no noticeable increase in crime, nor has their been any attempt at a coup d'etat by, as you called it, 'power hungry Hollywood socialists who want to employ a logans run thing.' ok?," stated a police officer who didn't wish to be identified but is likely involved in the US conspiracy to cover up the crime wave by agrarian gay and lesbian people hell bent on growing sustainable crops in Oklahoma.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we report on the end of times as we all know it. HOW ARE WE ALL STILL ALIVE? ACCORDING TO FACEBOOK, THIS IS ALL A CONSPIRACY OF PRESIDENT OBAMA! OMG! SEE THIS MEME YOUR RACIST UNCLE THINKS IS REALLY FUNNY! 

Soccer Capital Of North America To Be Settled By Tournament Of Duels To The Death

After an intensive data driven exercise to identify the soccer capital of North America failed, the supporters groups involved in the claim indicated that they would solve the long running debate by a "The Quick and the Dead" methodology of a tournament of duels, to the death.

Given that this is MLS, both shooters will likely miss their first shot by a great margin. (photo from @kccauldron)

"THE TOURNAMENT IS JOINED," proclaimed director of The Duel For Soccer Supremecy, Robert Labelle. "We have representatives from Kansas City, Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland, New York, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Montreal, Toronto, and Orlando who are ready to do battle to the death over which place is considered the soccer capital of North America or (also) Soccer City USA, unless it is a Canadian team in which case they will be required to proclaim their dominence in two languages."

Staggered brackets by the tournament officials have resulted in Portland and Seattle meeting in the second round, in an effort to get them both out of the tournament as soon as possible.

"Everyone gets it, Cascadian teams," stated Mr. Labelle. "Even your own papers are insufferable twits. Let's see how you feel about being a soccer capital of the United States with a flint lock pistol pointed at you!"

Weapons allowed for the duel are varied in nature, but include flintlock pistols, swords, daggers, knives, and passive agressive rejoinders about the other cities craft beer industry.

"I didn't know it would be so dangerous," stated fencing instructor and soccer ultra Jesse Bradford. "Regardless, I'm going to end someone over this deal. WE MUST KNOW, and if blood must be shed, then you shall find the end point of my rapier, sir!" stated Bradford before she lofted up a scarf, picked up her sword and sliced the arm off of a dilletante from the Son's Of Ben who were unaware of the No Other Pub that Kansas City has, in a downton location, which gives it a distinct advantange in weighted metrics.

"BLOOD SHALL FLOW, THE STREETS WILL BE QUENCHED, ALL MUST SUFFER THEIR FANATICISM," screamed Labelle at the entrants as the tournament began.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these brave entrants finally solve the long running and highly stupid debate.

Movie Review: "NASL 2: Twice In A Lifetime"

When The Nutmeg News was presented with an advanced screener for the sequel to the original documentary Once In A Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story Of The New York Cosmos, there was consternation among our arts and entertainment beat. Could the second go round of the NASL film hit the same marks of the first?

Well, friends, worry no more as veteran movie critic Harry Rolls for The Nutmeg News movie review site Isn't It Great News has the review.

Harry Rolls - Isn't It Great News

"Batman v Superman. Seinfeld v Newman. Shep Messing v Decency. These are all battles for the ages and all of these reflect the greater battle in ourselves for truth and candor. However, I can say that none of these artifical constructs needed a sequel and so to, do we find ourselves slaving away through NASL 2: Twice In A Lifetime.

If you loved the original NASL you will find yourself bathed in nostalgia for the current time as NASL 2: Twice In A Lifetime takes you back to the golden day of American soccer when everything went up shits creek in the matter of  16 years (or in FC Dallas time, 50). 

NASL 2: Twice In A Lifetime, sadly, is highly derivative of the earlier NASL work including failing franchises, misappropriated funds, overpaid players and poor ownership groups. The impetus for the league seems to be finding new ways to fail in spectacular fashion as the soccer world in the United States and Canada looks on in horror. 

While NASL 2: Twice In A Lifetime adds some new features to build suspense, like ownership groups removing turf in the middle of the night, none of this derails what is a slow trainwreck attempt towards relevency as potentially 4 teams leave the 12 team league at the end of the 2016 season.

NASL 2: Twice In A Lifetime is like that time you were 16 years old and you tuned into Pink Flamingos at 1:30 in the morning at your dad's condo in Ft Lauderdale. Simultaneously thrilling and not at all what you were expecting, the best part was Divine, and you turned it off half-way through. If you are of a certain age where you remember the original NASL 1: Once In A Lifetime, you will likely enjoy the parellels, but for everyone else, this just feels like the same formulaic Hollywood sequel jammed into an already flooded market.

I give NASL 2: Twice In A Lifetime zero panenkas.

FC Dallas Celebrate 100 Years Of Soccer In Frisco

Frisco, TX - FC Dallas announced on Friday morning that they were celebrating 100 years of soccer in the metroplex area as they boldly absorbed every single trademark and game of soccer that has ever been played within a 400 mile radius of Frisco.

Man, those guys from a 100 years ago all look like they were from the 60s. What a time to be alive.

"We want to show our fans the deep level of history that we have in our area, and why it is important to not raise the minimum wage or pay players any more money because the players are horrible, little, communist agitating, greedy bastards," stated Clark Hunt, Chairman of Hunt Sports Group.

"The 100 years of soccer in Dallas shows the line of soccer 100 years ago in 1967 when the Dallas Tornado ruled the roost and when the Houston Stars were playing in 1968. FC Dallas is also claiming the Austin Thunder, the Houston Alianza, the Wichita Falls Fever, the Houston Force, the Tyler Lightning and the Amarillo Challengers. Especially, we are claiming the Dallas Sidekicks and the Houston Hotshots, because tens of people have fond memories of them and we are desperate to do anything to connect our history with theirs."

BASIC. MATH.  BASIC. MATH

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as FC Dallas shelves a bunch of scarves for 10 years.

Major League Soccer's New Recruiting Videos Target Perceived Weakness Of International Players

NEW YORK - Major League Soccer announed that their new recruiting videos would target the perceived weakeness of international players in a move called, "negging" in order to make the international players fall in love with the league.

"If you are gonna attract the best, you should crap on them as they leave you. That way they will want to come back"

"We hope to really be able to make the metaphorical panties of international players drop," stated DJ COOLZ FALCONBLA$T, Major League Soccer's manager of transfer acquisitions and funky mixed drinks.

"We use the negging strategy because we have to undermine the confidence of these international players if we want to get them to sign with the league. These players have high confidence and we gotta come in all with the, 'hey baby, you are total shit and you should feel bad and you should come play for Major League Soccer' technique in order to get them in our metaphorical bed. This technique is going to work, we just gotta try it out."

Major League Soccer released their first attempt at post-career negging with the recent video for Nigel de Jong where the league purposefully tore down the departing player in an attempt to make him feel like he wanted back in the league.

"This is only part one," stated DJ COOLZ FALCONBLA$T. "We are releasing a whole video series about current players. The next one after Nigel will be a video aimed at Steven Gerrard in an attempt to keep him from retiring. The title of the video is, 'you ain't won shit, you hack' and it will just show all of his fails including the infamous slip. It's gonna be great."

The Nutmeg News will have more from DJ COOLZ FALCONBLA$T as he shows us a really great passionfruit mojito.

MLS Deadline Day 2016: New England Revolution Sign A Cruller

Foxborough, MA - The New England Revolution announced today that they signed a delicious cruller that the team has had their eye on for some time now.

WELCOME! Can you play defense?

"We with the Revolution wish to welcome this cruller to the organization and hope that it can last longer than an hour in the breakroom," announced general manager Michael Burns.

"We hope that we can slot this cruller into a position between the maple bar and the old fashioned that currently sits right over.... um...... actually... nevermind," stated Burns as he brushed flecks of glaze off his mouth.

Reportedly, the Revolution signed the cruller to a designated player contract provided that it can pass a physical as their press release stated, "For over 10 years the cruller has delighted and entertained in Europe. We believe that the cruller can bring the same level of intensity to our team."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this development as the Revolution look to sign a raspberry danish, as well.

Continent Breathes Sigh Of Relief As Exiled De Jong Serves Out Rest Of MLS Sentence In Turkey

The entirety of North America and the affiliated nations of CONCACAF breathed a huge sigh of relief as news came that LA Galaxy player and all around delight Nigel De Jong was to have his sentence commuted to serve out the rest of his time in Major League Soccer playing in Turkey.

FAIR PLAY!

"Nigel and the League agreed that we would commute his MLS sentence to 2 years of hard labor at a team in Turkey," stated president of Major League Soccer Mark Abbot. "All parties thought it would be best for their respective interests. Nigel gets to live closer to his family and the rest of the players in our league no longer suffer the threat of having their careers shortened by a player who doesn't have the best judgement calls."

Reportedly, De Jong is miffed to leave the sandy beaches of Los Angeles, but would rather play in Turkey than to spend another minute trying to navigate the traffic down to the StubHub Center stating, "Traffic here sucks" before he attempted to slide tackle our reporter from behind as he left the interview.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as players in Turkey prepare themselves for the arrival of De Jong.

USL Secondary (Third Level, Master Mage) Disciplinary Committee Overturns The Overturned Video Reviewed Referee Called Red Card

The United Soccer League stated, on Wednesday, that their secret third level disciplinary committee comprised of ex-mascots and executives from Miami FC reviewed the reviewed and overturned video reviewed referee called red card from FC Cincinnati's game against New York Red Bull II. 

Photo: Sam Greene

"CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY THERE ARE SHRINERS DRIVING ON THE FIELD FOR THIS REPLAY?!"

"Red Bull II requested a review of the review of the review, so in accordance with our by laws we had our secondary but also third level master mage docents review the review of the review and we found that in fact that there was perhaps maybe a red card but not a sending off," stated the league's press release.

While the play was called, then reviewed, then reviewed again and then reviewed again, the USL stated that this didn't prevent them from looking at it again in another few days stating, "We may have our fourth level, (Secret Paladin and Ogre Brute), referee and comittee review the review of the review of the review to come to a conclusion that Mitch HIldebrandt is actually a 23rd level master mason. We don't know. Shit happens."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we finish our initiation.

Seattle T.I.F.O Insipiration Gives Hoffenheim Wings

Hoffenheim, DE - Turn- und Sportgemeinschaft 1899 Hoffenheim e.V., or simply TSG 1899 Hoffenheim (an introduction we shameless copy/pasted from wikipedia) today admitted that their new TL:DR T.I.F.O was inspired by the recent Seattle Rick Roll T.I.F.O displayed by the Emerald City Supporters.

TL:DR

The Nutmeg News spoke to Hoffenheim ultra Reinholt Masner about the inspiration for the T.I.F.O and he didn't mince words, "Natürlich Seattle war die inspiration . Es ist nur natürlich gegenüber jenen Menschen im Norden zu drehen und den Westen , um unsere reinen Wünsche in die Methodik unserer Banner und unsere Anzeige zu unterjochen . Wir entschieden uns für die beste Methode der sehr lange gelehrte Aussagen über unseren Wunsch, wieder zu schreiben gehasst zu werden , und so hat beim Hören von "The Cure " , raubkopien von Morrissey leben , und Stone Temple Pilots , um zu fühlen, als ob wir ihre kanalisieren könnte T.I.F.O

Es war nur eine Frage der Zeit, bis unsere Basis Wünsche auf das Banner kam heraus und wir ihr Design in unserer Design gutzuschreiben. Unsere Designer hat als all die Formulierung auf allen Bannern eine lange Erklärung geschrieben für alle zu lesen, so dass unsere Feinde 1200 Worte lesen können , nachdem wir sie besiegen , um uns besser kennen zu lernen."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as we figure out what the hell Masner actually said.

All Points Bulletin Put Out For Rayo OKC Turf

Yukon, OK - An All Points Bulletin (APB) was put out for pieces of turf that disappeared recently from the Rayo Oklahoma City facility in Yukon, Oklahoma last evening. A Clorophyll alert was sent out to all phones within a 2 mile radius of the Yukon High School and all "vaguely ethnic" people were rounded up as the usual suspects were called for questioning.

SOMEONE CALL GREENZO!

The turf was last seen, "on the ground," according to insiders with Rayo OKC and had been described as being recently depressed during the last home game. Reportedly, the turf was feeling some frustrations after a lack of growth and was considering moving to a new state to start a new life.

Rayo OKC were positive that the turf couldn't have gone far stating, "It doesn't have a drivers license so we are positive that it must have had help. As of now, we are grass-ping for straws."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this after we get over this horrible column.

Chicago Fire Begin Process Of Acquiring TAM For Rights To Bastian Schweinsteiger

Chicago, IL - Fire general manager Nelson Rodriguez announced, today, that owner Andrew Hauptman gave him permission to approach Major League Soccer about aquiring more Targeted Allocation Money for the future rights they plan to give up for current Manchester United player Bastian Schweinsteiger.

Uh, sure.

"It was in our best interest to figure out how to leverage the rights to a player we don't have that we aren't interested in acquiring for assets we plan on not spending," stated Rodriguez to The Nutmeg News. "As the worst team in Major League Soccer, we are empowered to act as an intermediary to the exchange of the rights of a player entering the league for theoretical financial assets we plan on either not using later or utilizing for a player that likely will not fully pan out for our team."

Rodriguez stated that while Schweinsteiger was a target of the club, it had more to do with the value of the player than the actual player himself.

"The Chicago Fire don't need Schweinsteiger. Rather Schweinsteiger needs The Chicago Fire to hold his assets hostage until a team that actually wants him pays the requisite ransom."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as something similar to this situation happens.

Giovinco Injury And Piatti Goal Reminds Toronto Fan Of The Ultimate Futility Of Life

Toronto, ON - After an exhilerating day of pre-game beverages, hanging out with friends, singing loudly, watching a beautifully executed T.I.F.O unfold, and seeing her team go up a player in a big rivalry game, Toronto FC fan Samantha Quince was reminded of the ultimate futility of life by an injured Giovinco and a streaking Ignacio Piatti as he struck home the only goal of the 1-0 victory over her beloved Toronto FC on a desperate counter attack.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Fred Thornhill/CP)

"I..... I just cant..... ugh...." stated Ms. Quince to The Nutmeg News after the game was over. "And over there, um..... look, uh.... wow. I mean, it was fun, still. Maybe. I think, yeah......... But wow."

The Nutmeg News decided to reconnect with Ms. Quince after she gathered her thoughts and spoke to her on Monday morning. 

"I still can't believe it, and it was one of those games where we just couldn't convert. It was one of those games where every second the clock ticked along reminded us all of the potential death knell coming our way and then to watch it happen, nearly in slow motion. My god, I'm still not recovered," stated quince as she pensively stared into the depths of her coffee this morning and rapidly moved Giovinco off her fantasy team.

Reportedly, Ms. Quince has found her even keel nature slowly devolve into apathetic disinterest for a morning routine full of the sublimely bland.

"Color has no meaning, there is no structure to life, everything is pale in the shadow of the loss of Giovinco and that stupid game," stated Quince. "I dressed in black today, not because of any reason, but rather to match the mood that I feel deep within my soul. Gio, you must return!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as the attitude of Ms. Quince recovers after discovering that TFC play the Chicago Fire next.

Man Still Cares Which Players Jurgen Klinsmann Picks

Dayton, OH - Part time Columbus Crew fan and full time US Men's National Team fan Wes Dantuluri admitted that he still irrationally cared about which players Jurgen Klinsmann picks for the US Roster depsite his previous claims that he was, "just done".

"NO LANDON DONOVAN?!" - he screamed for the 200th time into the void of cyberspace.

"Ok, I lied, so shoot me," stated Dantuluri to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I said I was done, but then I saw Wondolowski made it on the roster again and I was hooked back in."

Dantuluri claimed that his addiction to so-called patriotic tirades against Der Kaiser was not just fueled by his dead end job as a manager at Food 4 Less on 3rd street and his access to an unlimited data plan that allows him to tweet with reckless abandon.

"WHY. WHY. WHY GOD WHY?" bellowed Dantuluri into the frozen food section as he quickly remembered that his USA Pulisic kit was still on order pending the receipt of his next paycheck.

Despite his seething anger, Dantuluri again proclaimed that he was done and stormed off only to be found by our reporter checking his twitter account 5 minutes later and retweeting criticism of the lineup picks to his anonymous account.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Dantuluri admits he will never be done criticizing any coach of the United States despite not being able to remember the name of the guy who does that stuff for the Crew.

Horrible Website Full Of Talentless Hacks Continues To Lampoon Soccer

Horrible website, The Nutmeg News (which is absolutely chock full of talentless hacks) continues to make fun of soccer despite their inability to actually write anything that contributes to the human experience in a relevant way.

"Hey guys, here's another soccer article about dungeons and dragons. YOU WILL LOVE IT"

Run by illiterate nerds who haven't completed more than 4 juggles of a soccer ball in their life, The Nutmeg News continues to publish absolute bullshit despite the market response of a collective sigh.

"We are RARING to go, with TENS of clicks," stated The Nutmeg News Junior Editor, Senior Editor. "Just wait til we get to the playoffs. We are going to write a 10,000 word article on Warhammer 40k, playoff rankings and luchadors. It's gonna be LIT! (people are still using that, right?)"

Reportedly, despite a sharp uptick in TNN employees removing the company experience from their Linked In profile, The Nutmeg News has still been able to attract multiple interns from the outflow processing center of Juvenile Detention Centers around North America.

"We are very, VERY big in the Illinois Department of Juvenile Justice," stated Geoffrey Brandice, who once failed to remember that Mexico is part of North America. "We are going to really pick up some clicks when the inmates at max-sec finally understand we are speaking their language. We have nowhere else to go. This is the hellscape of unemployed layabouts with nothing better to do!"

The Nutmeg News will have more on ourselves as we continue to pat ourselves on the back.

Liga MX Fan Served Dose Of Knowledge By College Freshman Who Just Got Into Soccer

Austin, TX - Despite watching Liga MX, and his family team Cruz Azul, for nearly 20 years, Raul Hernandez was reportedly served a big dose of knowledge by University of Texas freshman Brad Hightower on Sunday.

"I dropped a knowledge bomb. You can trademark that. And that guy? he should know, because I found out about it on Wikipedia yesterday."

"I told that bro whats up with his league and with his team," stated Hightower to The Nutmeg News on Monday. "I got all real on him about the structure of Cruz Azul and how they are lining up, their history in the league, pretty much everything I learned on Wikipedia in the past week."

Hightower noticed that a detail about Cruz Azul was wrong in a facebook post that Hernandez re-posted from elsewhere, so he took time out of his busy schedule playing FIFA in his dorm room to lambaste the long time fan about the intracacies of his team.

"I didn't want to do it, but I had to. He had to know he was wrong. I took that tiny nugget of information that I got from the internet and I put it in the olive oil press of my mind trap and squeezed it until I hit pure nutrient gold. Raul is going to thank me one day," stated Hightower.

The Nutmeg News will have less on this as Hernandez rolls his eyes, moves on with his life, and sits down to watch Cruz Azul v Atlas on Saturday.

Desperate For American Grassroots Authenticity, Man Removes Every Form Of European Imitation From His Gameday Repetoir

WASHINGTON - Desperate for American grassroots authenticity, D.C. United fan Samuel Billings has removed every form of European or South American influence from his gameday repetoir stating, "I have ascended to a purely American form of soccer support"

"This is the only football that matters, anything else is a European affectation."

Billings stated that he stopped singing during games, as that is a European and South American affectation. As well, he stopped bringing instruments, stopped painting tifo and no longer pays any dues to any supporters group.

"First I had to remove the words kit, pitch, football (as it pertains to soccer), wanker, bloody, vamos, somos, lads, tifo, and shit (without utilizing 'a' or 'the' in front of the profanity) from my vocabulary," stated Billings to The Nutmeg News. "Then I forced myself to sit in absolute silence during games as I scoweled at the field and did nothing but drink horribly overpriced beer. After that I transitioned to not attending any soccer game willingly as attending a soccer game is a affectation and appropriation of an English game foreign to this soil. I decry everyone's attempt at painting what should be called banners, and do not wear Adidas, or any clothes that are not made in the United States by a United States company with ideas only generated by fans who are born and raised in the United States."

Billings admitted that doing all of these things means that he no longer attends D.C. United games, nor does he watch soccer games, nor does he follow any soccer team at all stating, "the only team I follow is the Washington Redskins because there is no American appropriation of European values in following the National Football League. Instead what we have, by following real football with other red-blooded Americans, is an American appropriation of indigenous native names and identity to the point of racist imagry like Chief Wahoo, which is completely fine and unremarkable at all for an American not copying European or South American culture to do."

While Billings admitted that he missed going to D.C. United games and seeing his friends, he said that his ability to shun all things that would make him an affectatious soccer fan is important to his ability to claim American grassroots authenticity.

"I refuse to steal from other cultures," stated Billings to our reporter. "America isn't a melting pot of cultures, It's about not allowing other cultures to influence the cultures we already stole from that we now claim as our own... or something. I'll figure it out, but I do know that I have 120 years of history telling me that hating soccer is the only true American attitude towards soccer that should exist and that real Americans watch their sport (football or baseball) in painful, stonefaced silence while getting absolutely shithoused drunk on terrible beer."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Mr. Billings tries to figure out if the jingoistic aspect of rooting for the United States National Team allows him to violate his rule of not rooting for any soccer club.

Hope Solo Suspended From Massive Friendly Against Thailand

The United States Soccer Federation announced today that Hope Solo would be suspended for the vitally impactful and unbearably massive friendly against Thailand on September 13th, 2016. 

"We know that Hope has an extremely busy schedule over the next six months of sitting around recouperating and playing some games for the Reign, but we informed her that she would not be able to play in the only two friendlies we have scheduled for the next six months and whatever games we were going to drum up for cash," stated Jill Ellis, head coach of the United States.

"It's a tough time for her to be certain, because she was desperately looking forward to playing in front of a 1/2 filled stadium in Ohio as the United States absolutely thrash Thailand."

Calls to Solo to confirm were not returned, but those that know the athelete say that she is taking the suspension hard as one anonymous friend stated, "She defintely seemed like she might be mad, but after she found out that she won't be missing any meaningful games, she realized that this just gives her a good amount of time to sit back, play a game for the Reign and relax."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as Solo suffers the extreme punishment of missing these utterly meaningless, international friendlies.

USL Notifies Robbie Rogers That He Faces Six Game Suspension For Snitching

League sources from the United Soccer League (USL) told The Nutmeg News that officials from the USL have notified Robbie Rogers that he is facing a suspension for lodging a complaint about the abusive and hateful language that was repeatedly used against him by Orange County Blues FC midfielder Richard Chaplow.

You folks at the USL are really bad at this.

"The fact that he complained about this situation made us have to actually convene a council and figure out a disciplinary measure. The whole thing is really annoying," stated chairman Rob Hoskins. "It's not like we can do anything about what our players do, so we would rather that Robbie just put his head down and ignore everything that was happening so our lives could continue uncomplicated."

While Rogers is only on loan to the USL to recover from a recent injury, the league none the less notified Rogers that he was potentially looking at a 6 game suspension under the "no snitches" act. The USL, as well, notified Chaplow that he would be suspended two games as league representatives stated, "It's only a personal attack with hateful language. At least he wasn't abusing a referee. That would be unconscionable. Abusing someone cause they are gay? What are we to do? The USL roundly states that verbally abusing someone due to their sexuality is not NEARLY as bad as telling a referee he is shit."

"We love all our players equally," stated Hoskins. "You know what they say.... hate the sin but love the sinner, so it makes sense that we must punish the sin."

The Nutmeg News cannot confirm which player Hoskins was talking about as his media handlers shut down our interview immediately after this.

Carli Lloyd Delays Return To Off-Season Training With, "That Stupid League Thing"

United States international Carli Lloyd stated that she plans to delay her return to off-season training with, "that stupid league thing," after closing out her 2016 soccer season at the end of the Olympics.

Carli Lloyd celebrating at the end of the 2015 soccer season.

Lloyd announced that she will not be back with the Houston Dash immediately following the 2016 Olympics as she doesn't feel the need to start her program of getting back in shape for the upcoming professional season of Women's World Cup Qualifying League.

"The WWCQL is the most important thing for me, but I don't want to go straight back into offseason training mode right after the Olympics," stated Lloyd to The Nutmeg News. "It's important to take a break from the training and rigors of the pre-season with the whole Womens Athletic League or whatever that stuff is called."

Lloyd additionally stated that she was frustrated with the demands put on her for her pre-season training with her NWSL team in Houston. 

"The Crash have just been all over me to get back on time, but I told them that my real season hasn't begun yet, so I'm just planning on taking some me time before I get back. I only need to start playing when the US Women get back into qualifying for the Algarve Cup or the Women's World Cup. That's when the season begins. Otherwise this whole thing is just pointless running around on a hot field for a bunch of saps stupid enough to actually pay money watch us play."

The Nutmeg News will have more on this when our twitter account gets blocked.