Soccer Capital Of North America To Be Settled By Tournament Of Duels To The Death

After an intensive data driven exercise to identify the soccer capital of North America failed, the supporters groups involved in the claim indicated that they would solve the long running debate by a "The Quick and the Dead" methodology of a tournament of duels, to the death.

Given that this is MLS, both shooters will likely miss their first shot by a great margin. (photo from @kccauldron)

Given that this is MLS, both shooters will likely miss their first shot by a great margin. (photo from @kccauldron)

"THE TOURNAMENT IS JOINED," proclaimed director of The Duel For Soccer Supremecy, Robert Labelle. "We have representatives from Kansas City, Los Angeles, Seattle, Portland, New York, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Montreal, Toronto, and Orlando who are ready to do battle to the death over which place is considered the soccer capital of North America or (also) Soccer City USA, unless it is a Canadian team in which case they will be required to proclaim their dominence in two languages."

Staggered brackets by the tournament officials have resulted in Portland and Seattle meeting in the second round, in an effort to get them both out of the tournament as soon as possible.

"Everyone gets it, Cascadian teams," stated Mr. Labelle. "Even your own papers are insufferable twits. Let's see how you feel about being a soccer capital of the United States with a flint lock pistol pointed at you!"

Weapons allowed for the duel are varied in nature, but include flintlock pistols, swords, daggers, knives, and passive agressive rejoinders about the other cities craft beer industry.

"I didn't know it would be so dangerous," stated fencing instructor and soccer ultra Jesse Bradford. "Regardless, I'm going to end someone over this deal. WE MUST KNOW, and if blood must be shed, then you shall find the end point of my rapier, sir!" stated Bradford before she lofted up a scarf, picked up her sword and sliced the arm off of a dilletante from the Son's Of Ben who were unaware of the No Other Pub that Kansas City has, in a downton location, which gives it a distinct advantange in weighted metrics.

"BLOOD SHALL FLOW, THE STREETS WILL BE QUENCHED, ALL MUST SUFFER THEIR FANATICISM," screamed Labelle at the entrants as the tournament began.

The Nutmeg News will have more on this as these brave entrants finally solve the long running and highly stupid debate.